I am at a weird place right now.
I don't know how to write this, so I'll just spit it out.
I had started going to school so I could become a zookeeper... but I'm having trouble with the science classes. Growing up, science is where I excelled, but I was strongly discouraged from it, so I had to study what I wanted to know in secret. I thought when I got to college it would be easy... but it's not. That was fine at first, because nothing worth doing should be particularly easy anyway... but it's taking a toll on my mental health. To the extent that I keep crying during my chem tests. Tears should count as extra credit damn it. I can't keep up, and I can feel it slipping through my fingers. I'm clawing at it, but all I'm getting is clumps of hair.
I went to the student access center and was talking to the coordinator there, and she asked me what my back up plan was, and what else I might be able to do... and I said writing. She looked at my transcript and saw that all of my As come from English courses. She asked me if I would consider English as a back up plan, that may be they had a career field I could consider.
So I started looking into it.
Well, I've been doing some work with my therapist, and I've been talking to my husband and I've been doing some thinking...
I still don't know.
One of the major hurdles I face is a class known as "O-chem" and I'm told it's painful to chem majors. It is a required course. I am barely scraping teeth in the chem courses I'm in. I'm shit your pants terrified of O-chem.
I've also been considering the fact that I'm not in physical shape to be doing the zoo. I mean, technically, I have three years to start to exercise and get in that shape, but my body is... awful. I get SO winded trying to walk between classes, and I walk at my top speeds and everyone else strolls past me like I'm not even moving. It's very discouraging.
Then there's the drive. I've been driving since May and it's not really all that bad, but I refuse to get on the highway unless I have to, it scares the shit out of me. And the zoo is down the highway and across the bridge. I'm near hyperventilating just thinking about it.
So, I've taken another piece of advice and gone to the career center and set up a seminar at the end of March to see what my options are.
What I really enjoy doing right now? Writing "For the Whored". If I could make money on "For the Whored" I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do anything else. I write on it between classes. Let me tell you, it is a new degree of entertaining to type sex scenes in a public place. I don't know why.
I want to finish my novels, I want to get "Lilah" done and out there, but I have no idea how to finish the last chapter. I want to write this epic battle between the evil overlord and the kingdom, but when I try to write, it just sounds like garbage to me. I just don't know how to finish it.
I have all these stories in my head, and I have so much to write, but I just don't know how to get it out.
Which is why they suggest taking English, that maybe I will get help from there.
I don't know what I want to do right now, or how I'm going to do it.
My husband suggested I take o-chem with a couple of English classes, but my advisor says that I need to take o chem and a prerequisite bio class in order to take further classes.
I'm looking at the list of courses I'd need to take for my biology degreee, and I'm seeing maybe 3 classes that actually interest me. But I'm looking at the list of English classes and thinking "oo maybe that one!".
I just want to be successful. And what I mean by successful, is to get a job doing something I love, and not regretting the choice I made. I did that with my first degree. I got a degree that was blindly easy to do, and I regret it to this day.