Put the eX back in X-mas*

Oh look I got exactly what I wanted this year... you. Get in the fucking car there are at least 200 returns to do tomorrow... yes, you are sleeping the in the fucking car! Yes, I am aware it is 10:29am MT Standard Time!

I somehow broke her heart and fucked it up for myself people. You know we should really have more options when dealing with the m'ladys. A punch could be combo-ed into a hug, but words cut to the soul and no amount of them can take just a few back... unless you can time travel back to when you could call a girl fat and when she got all pissed off you could say you meant P.H.A.T. Phat. She would kiss you on the cheek and jerk the steering wheel violently to the right and into oncoming traffic... or was it into the McDonald's you just fucking passed whilst saving yourself for the 3rd time today with the tried and true PHAT not FAT apology...

Anyway a little something for you....

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Ever have a spur of the moment activity like an argument, before injecting your morning, bathtub-made Halo Gamer Fuel and it was awkward af and full of irredeemable regret? Maybe, if when you barely audibly mumbled that gramma was a "son of a bastard bitch" you would have both started laughing diabetic-ally... I mean hysterically... and shook hands like Dutch and Dillon.... That's if you didn't start mumble-crying hysterically first... that was after the 2nd ambulance arrived... but before the 13/10 anime version of your mom (thanks gramma dressed like Tifa) was brought in to talk you down from drinking a whole bottle of pepto bismol whilst you threatened to land "vertebrae first" from a pre-school swing-set?

Well it's nothing like that. We just come back 180lbs soaking wet and dripping wet with EXP (which stands for EXPerience, EXPertise, an updated EXPiration Date addressed to you from the Grim Reaper himself, maybe... you have some EXPlaining and chewing bubble gum to do and you are all out of ass or I don't know your new EXPerian Credit Report (and it's bad or good depending on how fiscally responsible you are). On the day of our appointment, we arrive 15 minutes early to pay Dr. Quinn Octopus Woman here a twice re-scheduled surprise visit on our own terms... yes, rectal thermometers and the Saiga12 Shotgun (in our first hands on use of the weapon I might add) are covered under the umbrella BYOB agreement.

Oh and it's not 99% night-vision and flash-bang blindness this time around... and somebody took a dump in my controller's analog mechanism... so I'm fighting the control irl, as well. I wonder if I follow around Microsoft's Hideo Konami-san and repeatedly whisper-shout "thicc" or "kawaii" or cut a hole at the bottom of my pockets and in his native Wakandan dialect, imply there are free game ideas inside... PS: the ideas are Metal Gear Solid 1 part 2, Metal Gear Solid 2 part 2, Metal Gear Solid 3 3-D part 1, Peace Walker Texas Ranger: First Blood Part 2, LEGO P.T. . Metal Gear Solid 4-D Chess Master 3000: Subsumption DLC OST ...etc... If he would give me the one he has stuffed in his back pocket?

*No irl females were assaulted or called fat in the making of this article... was there ever any doubt? That would be more evil to do to a person on Christmas Day, than Christmas itself... i used to play for the pork team more seasons on than off... that isn't my sort of insult either.