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About Deviant Reynold James DaltonMale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 11 Years
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Aldym and Dokoto by Freyad-Dryden Aldym and Dokoto :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 12 32 Lelia Pucciani by Freyad-Dryden Lelia Pucciani :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 4 2 Hestia by Freyad-Dryden Hestia :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 9 4
Literature
Moana Doesn't Know What It's Doing
I’ve developed what I call an “Apathy Curve.”   This represents the amount of I-Don’t-Care a movie has to overcome before I will bother seeing it.  The reason I have this apathy curve is because for the past few years movies have just left me feeling apathetic about them.  At best, I find myself saying “I have no desire to see this movie again,” and at worst it’s “I wish I’d never seen this movie in the first place” (see Jurassic World).  And this applies even to highly polished movies I enjoyed at the time.  I had fun during Iron Man 3 and The Force Awakens while watching, but afterward, felt no desire to see them again.  They left no impression on me, and gave me nothing I felt made it worth spending time on a second watch.  Meanwhile, movies like Spider-Man 2 and Empire Strikes Back are films that I sometimes find myself feeling like I need to watch again despit
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Literature
Husks: A Treatise on the Abyssal Qlippoth
From the earliest days of humankind, we have understood that the universe we know, The Egg of Time, is but a tiny part of a much greater over-universe.  The most ancient book of holy scripture, the Book of All Creation, upon which all major human religions are based, describes the Egg of Time as being formed from a great abyssal space.  From this alien realm of unfettered chaos, the Elder Gods created the realm of Gaea and all the divine realms that make up our cosmology.
Aside from referring to the abyssal realm as a plane of chaos, we have no meaningful descriptions of that nether realm beyond the borders of our known universe.  Diviners claim that this is because no meaningful description of the Abyss can really be given.  It is, they say, a place where the laws that govern our universe do not apply in the same way, making it a shifting, ever-changing void where nothing known to live in our universe could survive.
And yet, something lives there.
Ancient
:iconFreyad-Dryden:Freyad-Dryden
:iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 1 7
The Puck by Freyad-Dryden The Puck :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 2 6 The Eldritch by Freyad-Dryden The Eldritch :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 2 7
Literature
Cold-Blooded: A Treatise on the Serpent-Folk
Much attention is given to the four Great Races of Gaea – the locathah, the dragons, the fey, and the humans – but in the secret annals of history, spoken of only in rare, often expurgated occult tomes, there are mentions of others.  Most well known is the aboleth scourge, which finished off the locathah in their final, decadent century of existence.  There are others, some of which have survived to this day: the reclusive amphibian race known as the anurans, the bird-like Tengu of the Far-West, and many countless others that have never spread as far, or been as successful as the Great Races.
Among the most obscure are the serpentfolk.  Aside from mention in a few rare occult texts, we can find no evidence that they actually existed on this planet.  The scientific community’s stance on their existence, should its members even be aware of them, is that they are probably a myth invented by primitive humans, but if this is so, then why have no folktal
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Victory! by Freyad-Dryden Victory! :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 2 3
Literature
Two Brothers At War
Luther
Lawful Good Intermediate Deity, Fighter 20, Paladin 20
Medium-Sized Outsider
Divine Rank: 15
Domains: Good, Law, War
Holy Symbol: A sword with an eye in the hilt.
Salient Divine Abilities
Alter Size: Luther may change his size to any category from fine to colossal as a free action.
Divine Shield: As a free action, Luther can create an invisible shield that protects him and his equipment from damage for ten minutes.  The shield will block 150 points of damage before collapsing and will block any source of damage, even another deity’s divine blast.  He can create a shield fifteen times per day at no mana cost.
Area Divine Shield: This functions as Divine Shield, except as follows.  Luther may create an invisible flat barrier up to 150 square feet in size, or hemisphere or spherical barrier up to 15 feet in diameter.  He can place the barrier anywhere within his line of sight and can allow the shield to move relative to an unattended object, or a wi
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:iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 0 15
Luther and Typhus by Freyad-Dryden Luther and Typhus :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 4 12 It's Made of People! by Freyad-Dryden It's Made of People! :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 0 0 The Eater of Worlds by Freyad-Dryden The Eater of Worlds :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 4 4 Trump vs Clinton by Freyad-Dryden Trump vs Clinton :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 3 19 Laurelei and Kotter by Freyad-Dryden Laurelei and Kotter :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 3 5 Jabbing by Freyad-Dryden Jabbing :iconfreyad-dryden:Freyad-Dryden 2 0

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Freyad-Dryden
Reynold James Dalton
United States
You know that guy? The one who was always sitting alone at the edge of the playground during reccess in elementary school? The one who talked to himself and giggled sporadically all the time? The one who all the teachers smiled at and praised as an imaginitive child because they were all really thinking "OMG, this kid is BAT-SHIT CRAZY!!!"?

Hello.

Current Residence: The thirteenth layer of the abyss, called Utah
Favourite genre of music: Classical
Favourite style of art: surealism
Operating System: Linux
MP3 player of choice: Join the Pirate Party
Shell of choice: Blue Spiked Koopa
Favourite cartoon character: Pinky
Personal Quote: "I'm schizophrenic. You don't have an excuse."
Interests
I think should not have gone quite so detailed as I did about certain things in my last journal.  Normally after I write a journal entry, I spend an hour or so looking over it, removing things that shouldn't be there that slip in while writing in the moment.  But that flowed out so fast and so hard it put me in a bad emotional state and before I could collect myself, my dad showed up (coming in without knocking, naturally; parents . . .).  Hit submit and closed the browser before I had time to think about it.  And then I was so busy putting on a happy face for my dad, I didn't have time to think about what I'd written.
Next day, spent all day moving in the last pieces of furniture into my apartment (it was only a couple of things), replacing a broken light fixture, and, incidentally, my mother showed up and was there for six hours - at first putting in shelf-lining (something I easily could have done myself) and then feng-shui-ing my apartment to her liking.  I had to feng-shui it a bit to get it back to my liking afteward.  Dealing with her was exhausting and I just went to bed.
So, it really wasn't until this morning that it really sunk in what I'd put out there.

For anyone who read it and might be worried, I want to clear something up.  I'm not in any danger of suicide, or doing anything else distressingly permanent.  If I've managed four years under the intense stress of . . . well, everything, without shooting myself, it's highly unlikely to happen now that I'm away from the most direct and upsetting stressors.

But to answer what is probably the follow-up question: No.  No, I am not okay.  I'm in a very deep, very painful emotional malaise and could probably qualify as being chronically depressed, given that it's been going on for four years.  As is normal for depression, it's not all the time.  I have good days.  But the bad periods go on for weeks at a time.  Crushing, soul-eating weeks where nothing feels like it's worth anything.

And I've avoided confronting the cause of this depression by burying it with rage.  I raged at my mother for her psychological manipulation, raged to the point that the simple act of her calling my name illicited ferocious, whispered curses at her very existence.  I raged at her hoarding habits that ended up confining me to my bedroom and roughly four square feet of free space to move and work in, with everything else in the house being piles of clutter literally (as in the dictionary definition of literally) from floor to ceiling.  I raged at her always taking in my sister's increadibly unruly and poorly behaved kids all the time (because she thought she could be a better mother than my sister could; she is and always has been about controling everything).  I raged at her constant recriminations aimed at everyone else, blaming others for what she herself did to all of us.  And I raged at my dad for not having the courage to even attempt to put a stop to it, even though we could all see it was ruining her health and sanity - to say nothing of everyone else's.

Rage.  Constant rage.  Such constant fury is not good.  Not emotionally, not physically.  Biologists have proven that stress and anger can negatively impact your health and, boy, can I feel it now.  My mom's hoarding probably played into it as well - afterall, we haven't been able to properly clean anything because of all the junk; dust everywhere.  But I think my decline in health over the last couple of years is probably more linked to my unrelenting anger at my whole situation.

Misplaced anger, in fact.  Because the only purpose it served was to keep me from confronting my own self-loathing.  I don't have many friends.  I'm an introvert by nature, and as a child, I quickly became the target of bullying and abuse in school just because I was weird.  I never made many friends as a result, but over time I developed a deep pride in believing that even if I had few friends, I was a good friend to those I did have.  It became a huge part of my personal sense of self and how learned to accept the fact of being socially ostracized.

And then suddenly I wasn't a good friend anymore.  And because of it, I had no friends.  And my ability to trust my family was shattered.  I am alone, with no one I can talk to.  Because I wasn't the person I thought I was.  I wasn't a strong, trustworthy friend, I was a pathetic child desperately pleading for mother's aproval.

Four years of rage allowed me to hide from that.  I could shift blame onto someone else, and it was all the easier to do because she was always giving me constant reminders of why I was so angry.  So many things I could be angry at.  But I'm away from that now.  I've only been away a week, but already, just being away from those stresses, being away from the uncleanliness, away from the constant interruption of sleep from screaming babies, away from conversations that start with back-handed accusations 80% of the time . . . just being away from all of that has got me thinking more clearly.

I haven't logged into DA in months.  I wanted to focus on getting myself moved out, I thought.  But in truth, I hadn't logged in because I have nothing of value to share.  I haven't written any stories in years.  I've written a few pieces that I guess you could call role-playing aids, or maybe brainstorms, and I've written some weak, fragmented, self-indulgent shit not fit to be shared publiclly.  But stories?  Actual narratives that have some personal meaning to me?  No.  Nothing.

Logging in leaves me feeling ashamed.  I'm producing nothing of value to anyone, so why should I even bother to update anyone.  What do vague suggestions that I might, maybe, be able to get back into things do for anyone other than allow me to persist in deluding myself further?  I'm not writing.  And I don't know if I will be writing again at any time in the forseeable future.

Because I no longer have any confidence in what I write.  Because I have no more sense of self-worth.  Because I am alone.

But maybe . . .

I'm not okay.  But that little outburst, that harsh, straight-faced acceptance of what I refused to acknowledge . . .  For the first time in years, I fell asleep easily, and my sleep was unfitful.  I don't feel better, but I feel . . . calm.  I'm not hiding from myself now.

I'm not okay.

But maybe I can be in the future.

--------

I'm gonna stay on break from DA still.  I may briefly check in now and then, but I'm not going to be posting anything.  I may privately reply to any concerned inquiries if I get any.  But logging in regularly serves no point.  I don't have anything to share, and logging in just reminds me that I don't have anything to share.  I may need to start up therapy again, because I don't know if I can pull myself out of this on my own anymore.

I'll update again, if I feel I have something worth updating you all with.
  • Listening to: Pink Floyd - The Wall
  • Watching: This just in! TV still sucks!
  • Playing: Who has time for games anymore?

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Freyad-Dryden has started a donation pool!
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I want to run a contest for my Gaea Project, which among other things, is my attempt to help the talented artists of the internet who would otherwise go unnoticed gain some extra exposure to the public.

I would like some points to offer as secondary prizes for this contest and would appreciate any assistance from my fellow deviants.
Thank you.

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Comments


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:iconnaoguiarts:
naoguiarts Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2018   Digital Artist
Hello dear! :hug:
How are you?? :la: I hope you have a wonderful 2018!! :hug:
Reply
:iconfreyad-dryden:
Freyad-Dryden Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2018
I may be.
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:iconbengtzone:
Bengtzone Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017
Returning the favor, huh?
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:iconfreyad-dryden:
Freyad-Dryden Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017
Always.
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:iconbengtzone:
Bengtzone Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017
Thanks
Reply
:iconnaoguiarts:
naoguiarts Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2017   Digital Artist
Hello dear! :la:
Cake Icon  I hope you have a great bday!! :la: :hug:
Reply
:iconfreyad-dryden:
Freyad-Dryden Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2017
Thanks.
Reply
:iconnaoguiarts:
naoguiarts Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2017   Digital Artist
You are very welcome dear! :hug:
How have you been? :la:
Reply
:iconfreyad-dryden:
Freyad-Dryden Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2017
I'm doing okay.  I graduate next month!
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconafoxnamedcoyote:
AFoxNamedCoyote Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2016  Hobbyist Artist
Hi! It's really been a while, hasn't it?

Hope you have a happy new year! ^^
Reply
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