If this had been a year ago, I would have been lurking this site, ashamed and confused. A year ago I didn’t know a lot of things about myself, including my sexual orientation and even my gender identity. I thought I was totally cis and straight, and I was ashamed of it. Because it didn’t feel right and it didn’t feel good and I hated the way other people saw me because of it.
Now I know that I’m actually genderfluid. I saw it in myself since I was a little kid, but brushed it off. Now that I can actually recognize it, it’s easier. I don’t like to make a big deal about it, and I don’t want to change anything of myself through medical stuff, so just continuing to use she/her pronouns is totally fine. Don’t worry about it. Even if I’m having a “dude day” I don’t want to make people change how they see me. Obviously this isn’t for everyone, and all genderfluid people should be respected no matter how they choose to present, but this is my personal way of dealing with it.
I’ve also come out as bisexual to my friends and family. Though it may be closer to polysexual? I’m still not sure on that one entirely. Androgynous people are pretty too. I have a boyfriend of 5 months and no plans to ever date a woman or anyone else, but it’s still something I had to deal with. The idea of being with a woman was terrifying to me, simply because I wanted to give birth someday. Now I know that’s silly, and women are suddenly much more attractive?? Needs more thought lol.
I am a white passing half Mexican genderfluid woman with ADHD and trichotillomania, committed to a boyfriend but attracted to more than just cis men, in an environment that is safe for me, and I still have trouble accepting all of me. If you are in a position to let others see who you are, it’s okay if you aren’t okay with showing them yet. And if you are not in that position, you are still 100% valid. No one is allowed to tell you that you are not.
Well, guess fucking what. It is July, 2017, almost exactly ten months after I made this ^^^ journal, and, uh, I was totally fucking wrong. But that's okay. It happens. Long story short, I'm trans. I'm a boy. I'm a bisexual transgender boy dating a transgender lady. And I couldn't be happier.
I realized there was still a lot of pain here, when I was hiding under the genderfluid flag. I was so afraid of being a boy. I didn't want to be. I wanted sooooo hard to be a girl, I needed to still be a girl, at least sometimes. Part of that was due to the man I was dating. He was heterosexual. I... am not a woman. But I wanted to be, so badly, to assure him. But every time he asked me if I was trans, I couldn't give him a straight answer. There was always this fear of "but what if...?" Turns out I was right to think that. The other part of that was to assure my mother. I'm the eldest of three, and the only one assigned female at birth. My mother gave me a beautiful, unique, meaningful name, and I still struggle with the fact that I cannot continue using it. And I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to give it to my future child for the same reason I don't want it for myself. It's... It's so girly. I love it but oh my god. I wanted so bad to be my mommy's beautiful little girl that it just tore me up by the time I realized how wrong I felt.
I never knew as a kid. I was for all intents and purposes, a normal cis little girl. Not every trans person knows, but not every trans person has no idea, like I did. Now when I look back, there's some stuff that was obvious, makes me go "how the fuck did I think I was cis????", but back then, I thought girls just... did that. Like, when i was eleven, I took an after school swing dance class. There weren't enough boys in the class, so I was one of the kids chosen to dance a male role. I remember thinking "Yes. Goooood. I didn't want to dance the girl part anyway." Sure, the spinning bits were fun on the ladies' side, but something in me just really wanted to be seen as a boy dancer, not a girl dancer. That's just one of many examples, but it's the one that sticks out. And still, I had NO CLUE.
So there you have it. I'm a boy. My name is Alder, but you can call me Freddy if you like. It's very nice to meet you all. Let me know if you have any questions, I'll gladly answer. Thank you.