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:iconfnokitty:FNOKitty posted a status
Sorry for being inactive about half of the time, school is becoming more important and I'm probably going to stay after school to 6 pm everyday I can to catch up on work so I can pass... Well this is what happens to me for being a fool and believing in making others happy and focusing more on art and this place...which I don't and will never regret, because I meet really nice people, made friends, had an actually worth while year, and much other things... I may of basically screwed myself over, but dang it was it worth it... I actually have dreams and hopes now... I kinda gave up on hopes and dreams that I had... and made even better ones.
I have a dream that someday I'll make a small community, maybe a art studio of sorts, that I run with people I made friends on here.
That I can give to others and let others rise, to be big enough for that. Like I have the financial ability to give gifts and support other artists that deserve it.
I dream of just being someone being able to do what he always wished to be since his childhood... Someone able to help others, someone able make others smile, someone...to be able to depend on...
Oh how the years have changed me... how life went by like a dream... how confused I was and still am about things...
You know, about two or three years ago while I was in 9th grade, I would still cry when I felt guilty, like the kinda guilt you would feel like a small child that you knew you done something wrong, and would even admit to it... Now? I hold back my tears about everyday... it... doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel right to hold back crying in the way I'm doing.... but I want to stay strong... everything I allow myself to fall, the people close to me would worry and make it seem like a bigger deal, even though I'm already used to falling, I can just get right back up quick enough... but it seems that it's now taking longer each time, but since people are around, I can get back up faster still... but... I can't exactly share that side that much... the side that people smiled more at... the child that hold respect, generosity, kindness, honestly, innocence and things like that.... I mean I still hold those things l, but having to have a different personality to fit being who I should be... it's conflicting, draining, and... it numbs my true self, my true feelings, who I really am... You can still see it...every moment I seem overly happy and kind... that's the true me shining through... But now I feel like it isn't exactly me since I have to adapt being a grown up now... Though I have been refusing that, and in school I do act my true self and make others smile... the responsibility and gravity of reality has been damping me to having to put on a mask at times... I just want to be myself, do what I love, and somehow make life work with my ideals... my dreams and hopes... anyways just ignore this if you want... think it's not true if you want... but the burning feeling in chest tells me different... then again I'm just a fool.

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