I made a big mistake or instead allowed it to happen.
For those of you who only know me by a few actions or by just a name, not many of you know what happens behind the scenes. I wanted that to stay that way, but right now I'm faced with facts that may silence me for the longest of time or completely.
It would be rude to allow that to happen, even though I'm in no means am a significant presence, I have done some good and people look up at me for being kind. It puts a smile on my face knowing that I'm able to bring smiles to others, even if it is but a moment.
But I shall continue on the actual matter of why I'm writing this.
I made a mistake out of being recklessly lazy and unresponsive to what I should have been working hard on, college.
The reason why is because part of me didn't care about life or rather I don't fear too much of death. Honestly, I somewhat wanted to die early even with the many goods in my life, all I just cared about was making a difference, spread a bit of kindness and joy then dying soon enough because I grew up believing I didn't matter.
Why? Because my childhood was of me being lonely, outcast, bullied, and other things. You can get the picture; it was enough to break a part of me, as I can't seem to feel love like other people seem to feel, can't seem even to love my parents the way I wished I wanted to from being isolated for so long, and many other things, but even then I became who I am with those events and future ones that helped me such as the people around me nowadays.
I still care, I still love, I admit I'm not the best, but I do my best, even when I act and am a fool. I smile with pain and smile with joy while I'm both the fool and the wise man.
Writing this is making me tired as I had little sleep after my mistake, the mistake of not turning an assignment which is leading to events of me walking around the dorms late at night, stress cleaning at 4 am in the morning. Leaving me to a day of going around the campus getting information to prepare myself after being told I have to drop my class. Under normal circumstances that wouldn't be the end of the world, but I'm under financial probation and dropping a class means going under suspension, as in I have to pay out of pocket and what not if I want to finish and have a chance to earn back my financial aid.
The point is, things can go either way, but I'm not going down without a fight in trying to redeem myself. I know I'm going to have to work, but that is life, and I would have more of a purpose to work hard.
I already talked to everyone I need to understand the situation at hand, from the financial aid office and people of the like to talking and starting the process of finding a job in the office that helps for that.
I may go back to working at my first job which was had very friendly people or find work on the island near my town or find work through the office. I'm just getting ready to buckle down and do what needs to be done.
As it rains with heavy tears outside, set in a mood as I write this, it leaves me thinking will I keep this mind that I am in, ready to take the world on even with being tired, or shall I fail once more?
...The only way I shall fail is if I lost sight and forget what I have still, I still have a chance and all the tools I have gained with my time learning. I need to try... and hopefully, I can accept others help and ask for help when I need it for I grew up being quiet and fearful of such actions.
I have dreams still, and those dreams have me again putting smiles on others peoples' faces. Even when the thunder of the rains may scare me and cloud over my mind, I'll be doing my best, this time for sure.
And sorry if things are not consistent, I am running on one hour of sleep and trying to get this done so I may move on- as in with stuff I have to do, not from this site as a goodbye, for I do care and love this place and the people it has. I want to be able to still share and enjoy things with others, whether it be art or talk or any other thing.
Until that is, I checked DA a happy smile and giggle emerged.
People commented happy birthday to me even though I was not active as much as I would like.
At a glance, you'll be right to say it may be few but expecting nothing at all makes it worth everything when things are uncertain.
So thank you, everyone, to those who I know or not, whether you are active in showing support or lurk around. I thank you all for everything.
Now, for my usual thought rant, so feel free to go by your day if you don't want to keep reading. Anyways, have a great day!
I dislike the changing tides of time, knowing that I have to deal with having to learn how to be a responsible adult when all I want to do is give to others, lend a hand, spread a smile and so on...
There is so much to this world that even though I like knowing more than one side of things, it crushes me when I try to apply that to my adult life. All the noise, anger, sadness, fear, and drama that affects life, everyone's life... It's very tiring as it drowns out the good, the happiness, smiles, the caring, and love.
What I learned is that there is more than one side of a person, one for each side of life, the good, the bad, the scary, the need, want, and so on...
As much as I want to be more than one side... It tares me apart. It exhausts me. It makes me want to hate myself.
...It makes me want to die.
Even though I'm strong, I don't have the strength to do what I once was able to do anymore... it has damaged me to where I don't honestly feel at peace or feel like I belong anywhere with all my being... To tell you all the truth, the only reason I want to be able to have more than one side is so that I can understand and communicate with more people. So others won't feel alone if I can help them...
I can say I succeeded in that goal, but I can't stretch myself anymore, and now I accept that fact. I'm happy that I was able to learn the skills and things I have now, but the traveling days are mainly over.
Where do I plan to settle down? Around the art community, the friends I made, the people that I'm in good terms with, etc.
I want to focus on four or five things.
My personal life as in college in my career of Digital Media Design.
My art life as in the art community and getting better.
Growing as an adult, person, friend, and so on.
Being able to feel like I belong.
And finally... Grow up...but never forget my heart, my mind, my soul, my sight.
I've slowly been poisoning myself with what I thought was making me happy, neglecting what needs to be done, and overall just neglecting my responsibilities.
Trying just to let the world fade away into the background as I enjoy what I thought would keep me happy even though I knew I shouldn't... Though not everything I was doing was a waste and some things were good for me, but I still forgot what's in front of me.
I know I can still save myself but I let myself down and yet I feel no shame but regret that I've been pushing behind me. Choking on said regret as it overwhelms me.
My biggest regret is how I keep people away from a certain distance so if things go wrong, I won't hurt losing them or if I one day break I can at least hope that my departing words from being who I once was don't carry to much weight, even though I do cherish them.
And now, I wished I had someone who would know me at a deep level that could see through the masks I put on at times and straight up make me talk. A someone who can let me rest my shoulders and lend their shoulder to me. Just someone I won't be scared to tell them what is weighing me down without the fear that I feel like a burden and is willing to take that burden with me when they see I can't do it alone.
And yet... here I am alone even with friends around, though mostly with friends that I just have fun with or I've been too proud of how I've come so far with only myself and refused to share my burden with the friends I been there before who I know would help me in a heartbeat if they can.
Maybe in due time when I finally learn to stop believing that dealing with things alone is the best thing to do... Heh.
Even though I yearn to hear, someone's voice telling me you're not alone... I'm here for you.... and isn't afraid to be stubborn whenever I try to shrug it off or insist I'm alright.
I may like being alone, enjoying the quite, and admittedly sing whenever I'm in the mood to sing whether it be from happiness or sadness. But I know the truth that I need someone around so I can do my best.
Anyways, I'm going to give up on some things that have been weighing me down... such as gaming... to a degree, my non-important goals that admittedly involve gaming. Well you get the point, but really I just want to put my sights back on my career I'm in college for, art, the friends I made on here that have been good to me and be a better friend if I can, and overall just get my life back on track... though I going to have to remind myself to look at this when I do lose sight again...
Things such as being an adult that's going to college, along with the things I have to do before hand, and things like how I'm feeling. By that I mean I haven't been feeling the best to be truthful, I've been talking down to myself, feeling anxiety as I worry if I'm not good enough for the chance of higher education, if I'm going to graduate instead just flop, and other things. I would go far as to say I may be even depressed as I don't feel like myself with the things I used to enjoy so much, but then again I haven't been able to be my true-self in a long while. Doesn't make things better that my parents are out of town doing something while new things arise that they could help me with, I mean this new world, this new life is very intimidating to me, to someone who likes to take things at their own pace. When things get too much to me I usually just kinda curl up and while away time doing something that distracts me. It's kinda how it's mostly always been while growing up since I didn't have many friends, wasn't very open to my parents, but I did enjoy being around teachers or adults that cared more than just doing their jobs, I wasn't more open to me, but I wasn't lucky with kind adults in my life, I'm pretty sure I would much much worse right now.
Anyways, as I'm having conflict within myself I can't help but also think of the people I affect while being like this. It puts guilt to me as I don't have the courage to talk up. Because time flows and the world never stops, and the people around us think about their ever changing life around them. Such as the friendships they made, the trust, the memories, the care.
I hate to admit it but I'm not always aware of things, as I forget how to feel things that make us human, as feelings go numb. Aloof. I would become detached, but I'm still aware, and always thinking how they would feel, how they would think of me with how I suddenly go quiet. I am very aware that I may be straining relationships of trust and care that took time to develop, and I have no excuse.
I have no excuse even with how I may be not at my best, to neglect the responsibilities like how I have been, is wrong. As long as I'm aware with good enough mind to act, I have no excuse and take the consequences of my lack of action.
I know how to get better, I know what I need to get better, I need to stop letting myself fall.
I lack friends I once knew, the friends I used to have fun with, and I think that is what has me this way. I have no way of letting out the same energy and personality when I have fun the way I used to, to be able to just talk and be silly around.
I do have friends, some very good friends, friends I'm glad to have around that pretty much keep me sane on these days, but not exactly many of what I yearn to have once more, friends that I can just be silly around, with the same interests of mine with playing games. I've mostly just been a friend to allow a shoulder to lean on, but I don't have the strength I once have, my strength comes from others that give me hope, that allows me to smile and temporally forget how the world can be so dark... so cold... I need to see light to help others... A simple message, smile, talk, or really anything can make my day. Allows me to be strong enough to endure and charge forward with courage in life.
Anyways, I think I shall stop speaking my mind out on this now, I feel much better when doing these, letting out thoughts.
Now I'll try doing what needs to be done right now, I'm going to use what strength I gained here to do some important things.
Each part brought to me what I needed to be whole, to compensate for each major weakness I had, to fill in roles that I had to part take...
Now I know why I am feeling the way I am, I had no respect for myself, my whole self, and I wasn't fully true to myself...
I need to remind myself now these things that before was so natural... But I feel that they forgive me for the most part, well I hope so anyways, I'll probably be asking them for it and to help me feel whole while my world is still being shifted heavily around me.
Life was more simple (while confusing and hectic in a way) as I just look out the windows, enjoying the rains carry me to peace in my mind since really there wasn't much to do.
I remember how I had little, but I was content, had little to worry about other than being alone and having something to do... Come to tink of it I thought little of life... even with all the trips to the doctor and a couple of hospital trips, I thought little of it... I thought all of it was normal really, thinking little of the details...a blessing really.
Nowadays I think too much or too little of things as there is so much to do with such limited time, and yet... since I think little of my life after the constant battle of words in my mind of thoughts of who and what I signify along if I'm right or wrong... I do fairly little for myself... I do little to find the will to do things for myself than compared to my will to care for another... and because others care about me, I will myself to care about myself.... just enough to not think of doing something stupid and to get by in terms well being...
If you wonder why I'm like this, it's because as I got to where I am in terms of a person, with experience and knowledge, I started to firmly believe in some things that weigh me down.
I firmly believe that I'm slow, forgetful, stupid in terms of decision making for myself, don't try hard enough, and now... I'm forgetting even faster, my attention span is getting shorter it seems, I'm not doing too well as I'm allowing myself to fall like the droplets of rain from clouds.
I'm honestly considering some awful things that I hope I won't do... and yet I treat how things are going at the end since I don't want things to end... my current life... all I come to know.... a school life with having family around... friends, all the teachers and staff that I know... I don't want to lose it all... I guess that's why I'm allowing myself to fall because I'm not ready to move on even though it's to the best of my interest to pass and go to college, even if I believe my lousy lazy habits will make me fail there... and that is an expensive fail and I may end up with debt to pay back the government for using their money only to waste it and fail, which is why I got discouraged and partially caused me to be like this in such a situation.
Usually, it's the month to cry as I move on to another grade, missing the teachers I know and what not, but I'm already at the end of the road for being in the same town I grew up... I don't want to leave... I'd like to stay in what I know after growing up in such a confused dream like the mess it was, yet it wasn't really a mess because even while I was pretty poor as a child back then, I always had family around.
I realize how much I took that granted now since I never gave it a thought before, the only reason I'm not more depressed and troubled I am right now is because unlike other unfortunate people, I actually had a loving family, I just never learned to fully love and appreciate that fact with all my heart... That is one of my biggest mistakes along with not being able to grasp the full extent of how people may care and love for me with how distant I may have grown to be after being outcasted in school with how I was.
If I had to guess, it was mostly because everyone was busy and doing something else for the most part along with how learning English made a line between me and them (until more later in my life when my stepfather who would later be my father under his name as he adopted me, with my mother still there as his wife, which is a great miracle that I don't appreciate enough) , therefore isolating them from my life as I do quite a bit, which is saddening as I ended up being drawn to video games and other things that distracted me for so much time, ended up as one of the few things I can focus and concentrate on with a great familiarity doing.
One of my biggest regrets is that I've been a coward as I been only wanting to stick to what I know and feel comfortable all the while I always neglected to ask for help as I feared and didn't want to bother others, thinking it was selfish asking for help. That is my biggest mistake as I never thought forward for myself, and in the end, now that I can see how much that has hindered myself, my life for the transition for the next stage of my life even while I know I may not be ready before, I feel like now I am ready although I already messed up.
Funny how my birthday is in May, the time when so much happens, a month to be happy with a birthday, a month of going to the next grade or as it should be now, the next stage of life and college, the month of a day dedicated to mothers, to me having such an amazing mother, the month that my parents also got married and life changed for the better, as I now have a better life.
So much to be happy about that I can't help but smile, even while it is also the most depressing month of the year, as I miss the teachers and staff of pass grades, along with friends I have no ways to contact to whenever I get out for summer, the month of testing, the month of being forced to think of the future, the month when I face my depression at it's fullest as I would cry the most.
I spent all my years living in this mostly confusing dream-like life, believing that I not good enough, thinking firmly as I am told and told again that I am slow, forgetful, dumb with my decisions and not worth others people time.
And if anything even though I would smile and seem happy, I think I been depressed for most of my life, maybe that's why I lose interest in things fairly easily almost every day, why my appetite would be nothing for weeks a time, have problems with concentration and paying attention, why I get nervous or bothered easily doing social things even though I got better with that, but still like to isolate myself from people and other symptoms that seem to of gone unnoticed since I would always shrug it off with the way I act with being a hyperactive person to which I take medication for.
I even consider suicide as an option for the future even though I have much to live for and having many people care about me... I consider it since I don't want to deal with the future and the consequences of my flaws and neglections, and with it being easy as downing a bottle of pills to overdose and do who knows what with what I take, it's on my mind more.
I even think other very bad thoughts like doing something stupid to end the life I have like hoping to either join the military to something that can get me killed in action or truthfully even though this would cause many heads to turn, get some kind of weapon, do some kind of crime and hopefully end up getting shot, that would be a quick enough way to die... even though I shouldn't and probably wouldn't go the criminal route like ever, yet I still consider it, I still have a strong hate and burning fire inside me ready to release the wraith I bottled up against humanity giving me the mindset that wouldn't be afraid to kill until I started seeing life and people aren't that bad... and apparently with how I am experts tell I have a higher chance of doing such things even with the kind of background and life of having many friends and peers.
Especially with being a childlike, happy go lucky kind of guy who likes and draws cute things and being calm and easy to make things seem happier and less serious than they may seem, but as you can see with the things I write, I'm not all sugar and rainbows, behind the fog of happiness is a person with much on their mind along with problems.
I just hope you look past what you just read that I'm still a person, that I still want to be a good person, that I still want and wish to make others people lives easier, that I wish I could financially give support to others, that I want to build up into something to do so, that I want to stay humble even while I may be selfish wanting things just to give to others, like how I would spend most of my money to give things to others instead of saving it, that I still have hope to do those things even when I grow up, that I forgive many with problems they may have that others look down upon and how they are the way they are, how harshly they may be for the moments they lash out from stress or other things. That I believe that the world can be a better place if we tried and even if not, we can make a better little world where things seem less horrible if we take care of each other as friends and family... that each and everyone who gives a thought for others is worth it... even though I'm as happy and bright as I may be depressed and dull inside.
May is the month which my tears rain with memories.
I'll be honest, I been taking this life I have so graciously been given, that I hardly think of the lows since I look up to the good of things I have most of the time.
Admittedly, I been taking things mostly for granted as I neglect myself. I neglected taking care of myself as I shrug off forgetting to take medications that are required to stay healthy and to the point, alive.
For that reason, I have gotten very sick that if I didn't have a doctor to go to, I'd more than likely be dead, but even that I take granted and shrug off... Even if my loving parents get worried and try to talk sense to me that I have to start learning to take of myself.
I know they love me, do their best in raising me and helping me to where I want to go.
It brings tears to my eyes that deny crying since they don't letting tears stream down my face now, as they hold back as so have I been doing.
Throughout most of my life, everything has been a curious confusion, life felt like a dream as constant change and adapting to things, such as meeting different people, going to place to place for a good part of my life.
Not having good enough chance to get used to the bombardment of experiences lead to me retreating to things I was used to, such as keeping to myself and daydreaming, isolating myself to not be a bother, and other habits since I wasn't really taught to be productive with my time or other things since the person who cared for me the most was my mother, who was very busy most of the time, making ends meet, taking care of me, and getting me to appointments that I needed to go to, along with learning the medical side of things as to understand what was going on with me and how to take care of me and my health.
For the most part, life was an ever-changing peaceful mess as I didn't worry too much about it, which was good for my mental health now that I think back to it.
But really, having to have multiple people take care of me as my mother was pretty much in a hectic life balancing things since she was the parent mostly taking care of me since my birth father was mostly gone working on a boat such as a shrimp boat, so I didn't get to see or spend time with him much.
What I'm saying here, is that it was a mess for building any character or any decent personality as I was just mostly trying to make sense of things as I would mostly be at home, with mom at work when she was cleaning some nice elder person's home, or at a baby sitter's home, being taken somewhere for my health problem, and what not.
All the while things weren't really being explained to me, so I wasn't learning how life worked or developing important skills since no one really had the time to do so with me.
All I was really taught was to behave myself, try to waste time, stay where I should be, and you get my point.
But I still loved my life and wouldn't change it...because I'm different from it.
As it may be I've been underdeveloped, and neglected on things, ever since enlightenment stuck on me along with other things, I've been able to get a hold of most things now ever since my father who has adopted me under his name after marrying my mother, things are much better and life feels complete along with stable.
Even while I changed for better, what I grew up knowing in early life has me where I am. With habits that hinder but excels certain things.
Even if I neglect myself, give up fairly easy when it comes to dedication to long time goals, and space out often all the while my attention span isn't the greatest. I was able to progress other skills such as learning how to be mature and considerate faster although that may be questioned with how carefree and happy go lucky I may be.
Though asking for help from others isn't my greatest suit even when it could of greatly help me many times.
The reason being, after a certain point, after being confused and put down from learning a different language that my mother knew and effectively putting a damper between me and her since I won't know everything she says with ease as I do with English.
It doesn't help that since I acted my true self and didn't filter my thoughts, as in if it would make others question me, I was kinda made fun of, picked on, kinda outcasted for being myself... I still don't regret voting to watch Dora the explorer over batman since it's the few sources I learned from and satisfied my curiosity with how life works, before I watched animal planet and discovery, along with the history channel.
Also because I didn't want to be a bother and thought asking for help was being dishonest to how I did my work and what not.
Not asking for help really was a huge problem and has hindered me, although I did grow to hold things in and endure.
Be it still bad, it still leads me to the path I was on, though if I of actually learned how to ask for help, I know for sure I'd of been a more academic focus person and maybe of been in the top ten, but I don't regret it.
As of why I don't regret, it's because I wouldn't be where I am with my current mindset. I wouldn't be more focus on being more courteous and understanding. I wouldn't have been as open and acceptive, although that still needs work on some things. I wouldn't have been as giving to others. Overall, I wouldn't be who I am, who I want to be.
And sure, it is risky investing in such skills in this world and at this time, but it makes me happy and feels nice inside when I share and make others happy and understood.
I do want to make that my life somehow. Even if it is very risky thinking so. I do have a fair chance at college, but with the way I am right now, staying up talking and doing stuff with others doing things I love that seem to make others happy, along with how neglecting I am toward myself... I think it's best if I don't go since I know I'll just mess it up.
I mean, I would love to go, to meet new people, make new friends, learn new things and so on with the perks of doing so... But I'm not prepared, not organized, and don't have the same drive for learning as I'm more focus on art, reading, writing, and other such things. Not to say that they're different, but as how classes are teaching with the new blended learning as to how it was before, now I have a distaste for doing it now. But truthfully, also the fact I been wasting valuable time on doing things such as playing games, reading nonschool related material, writing things such as what I'm doing right now (which helps me with my mind), doing art, and spending more time being on the internet meeting people, making friends, making others happy, and other such things instead of studying and doing school work...
I don't really regret it as I have impacted others even if it was something small... I just want to be a good person.
I don't really regret because I am content with it even if I pretty much screwed myself over in retrospect, I mean, right now me passing high school is also questionable with some courses such as economics class. Call me a fool and call me whatever you would like to call me, but I rather know I have done something that affected others than of focused on myself, I mean even most of my classmates on grade level seem happy and have respect for me.
I know they would even help me out if I asked for help... yet I don't... I mean I'm even friends with some of the top ten students, and I have every kind of option for help available to a student to pass and go to college... the counselors, teachers, a person from GEAR UP who is certified to give help to students getting to college by helping them do things for college as well informing them and their parents on what needs to be done and what to be mindful of.
And with all that help blessed upon me... and yet... I did not take advantage of it... To you, it may sound like I'm just lazy and such... which is true, but I also didn't want to deal with things, I just want to be happy and live out life doing what I like.... and escape reality, as I'm still confused, discouraged, and don't have much direction... and when I stop smiling and having reason to smile... reality knocks on my door to remind me, that this all will end one day...the happiness shall run dry and thus time shall be limited to work and less fun... and I curl up into myself, anxiety, panic, madness, anger, sadness, everything that has been bottled up, start to leak and pour out... a spiral of my inner mind and not having enough power to bounce back with a smile as fast as I would like... I would be distant, null, and seem even more distracted as I try to piece my mind together... I would seem less enthusiastic about things... My appetite diminished... and depending on how I deal with the fall, I can either bounce back easy enough... or fall lower and take longer as I allow darkness and bad thoughts into me... Even now, I'm kinda null. I wish I could feel things as sensitive as they were before... and at times I would when my mind is free of its shackles and worries, when it's at it's happiest with lessening worry and stress... but one of thought of "Hey shouldn't I be worried about something?" and it starts to fade and I sigh as the raw feelings go with it as well as my true self... what I was before I had to put up walls and another personality to shield my heart...and after that, a personality of enlightenment to help steer me and keep me from thinking thoughts of darkness along with anger... to balance the three is something, at least one would always mostly be the smaller piece of a pie...
I don't know if I sound crazy or not, but right now I don't care really.... maybe I'm just using a sad excuse to justify myself...
Whatever the case may be, it's all up to your interpretations to the understanding of your mind, to paint whatever color you want me to be, to think of me as any shape you cut me out...
That's how the world seems to be for me... and for that reason, I rather throw such tools out my book and see people as their own, to understand a person base on who they really are instead of how they seem... so I can understand the misunderstood, the neglected, the ones who shadow themselves because how the world is... wouldn't it be a lovely world if people were more like that, but it seems that things such as a shortage of time prevent things like that... this world runs fast and I go slow... to enjoy the things others pass by without a glance... but even then, I ain't the best and make my mistakes, and yet some people would judge me as a perfect person instead of just a person...
Sad is it not?
Yes, I would sadden when I'm not able to bring someone up as I refuse to be useless and unable to help.... especially if it's someone I know and am friends with...
Though as I have different personalities and state of mind, I may not always be at the best for things such as this paragraph here, for it's when I feel mellow and/or ignited from talks of views and how the world may be.
But really this has been drawn out far too long and must come to a close for it to be posted.
From thoughts to paper, and paper to here... I hope the ramblings of this young close to being a man has interested you or entertained you at the very least.
May you have luck and look up with your head held up high in this world we call home, even if at times it feels otherworldly and unwelcoming.
You can fight it my child.... just smile... breath... we are here for you... I sense your tears behind those eyes, ready to cry... you seem to keep yourself from having them come out... you are strong, but don't forget your not alone..
...am I right...am I wrong... did we do good...?
Yes we did good... you did good... don't worry yourself too much right now my child... just rest... you seem tired...
The reason being, I rather live where I grew up than be somewhere else unless there is a good reason to be elsewhere. I live in a good size town that is next to a resort town on an island named South Padre Island, but that is not the reason why I rather stay. The reason being I love the town I’m in and want to live where I grew up, if I can make a decent living then I’ll be more than content with life.
There are many people who would love to travel to see the world, for either adventure or to get away from what they grew up with.
I, on the other hand, value my memories and the somewhat calm living of the town, it could be better yes, but I began life poor so it wouldn’t be too much to handle as long as I have my stuff.
Besides, in truth, I lost a good faith in my dreams and hopes and rather keep living within memories, to wake up in a familiar town in where one has lived for almost their whole life isn’t bad if it stays as a nice town.
I say that because with how the world progresses, buildings, homes, and other such things keep being built on the land shared by nature and us to a subtle balance is something I want to stay in. It is nice just looking down at the water, remembering everything that has happened up to the present… thinking about it brings tears to my eyes because that is probably the only thing I can hope to stay the same in a world of change and uncertainty.
If I do have a family, I’d like to show them the land by the water I lived on, I want to walk them by the side of the road I walked by so many times, I want to tell them the many things I remember about the town and what has changed…
I don’t have too much faith in myself, in my hopes, in my dreams after growing up how I did and the experiences that shall go unheard to others, but I rather live my life on the land I always called home, even if I may be called a fool for doing so, instead of following opportunity, but I kinda gave up on myself, allowed myself to fall and I half-heartedly doubt I’ll live the life I dream and wish… I dare to dream it, I do but I’m easy to give up on things, to think lowly of myself, and think I should just be living the same way I was born to live, poor. But at least it would be in the town I call home, so I can look at the water as I remember my whole existence for what it’s worth. Tears in my eyes, a hard lump in my throat, and subtle regret as I tell myself this is how I’m meant to live… with no grip on my dreams or hopes as I go alone down this path I wrongly want for myself, because even with everyone I made friends with, all the good and hope that might shine on me, I rather just give up as my bad habits of not calling for help, not wanting to bother anyone, thinking lowly of myself over the years of being an outcast and thinking myself in this hole in which I know I can get myself out with being bright enough to know so, but doing nothing as I won’t face the fact that I can… because I learned and want to feel like I don’t matter like I am worth little...for the bittersweet pain and tears that come with it are one of the few things that comfort me as I don’t call for help…
I’m a mess that feels he should accept that he is nothing… but in the end I know I should not hope such things, I deserve more, I done little to amass such wrong to deserve such a fate, as I hoped and dreamed of being just big enough to make others happy, to enjoy seeing smiles, be someone to look up to… to have someone to call my own… in the end I still hold onto it, may it be faintly or tight, I still dream, I still hope, I still want even when I say no to myself…
I want all that in the town I grew up in… Port Isabel, the town I started life in and want to end at.
I am struck with, a wound opens to the heart and mind.
We respond to being struck
Though we are at conflict at one another now…
As one claims to blame ourselves and accept it, another objects and claims the one who struck us is just as Guilty for not trying to resolve the issue that had lead to the breaking point. A soft and trembling voice speaks up… “I might not be grown up like you and see what you two see...but the feeling of this failure and loss… I want to cry, for no matter what, even if they did nothing on their part, they needed help… I wished we gave them help…”
Silence followed, as no one really wanted to speak out at the moment…
The Protector had a bittersweet feeling, he was proud of the little one, yet he wanted to have his point of the guilt, for it will be but a memory that shall haunt the room…
Enlightenment smiled gently at Innocence, calming him down a little before he spoke himself.
“As I agree, and we should strive for better action I must bring attention that it won’t be easy. For the time is what we need to use effectively, a task we have been neglecting, have you not?” As he said that, he looked at the writer with a small frown...before speaking once more. “ I know how things may be, and I am the embodiment of reason and peaceful action, along with other things… I ask not out of spite as I care dearly about you as I do with our lovely little Innocence over here along with my friend who I helped know as the Protector, but please hear me out… Can you not look down at yourself, and give up as you have been knowingly doing? May you not look away but instead remind yourself so you may take action? I know you can do this, as I helped you to become such a lovely soul…even when you argue that you are not…” A tear goes down his cheek as he continues to look at the writer, though now he smiles… seeming to have a shine in his eyes as he has pride at what he has accomplished…. “I see you smile… you know I’m right… I take pride in you as you do with us… You haven’t let go of Innocence yet...caring for the child that we all love, allowing his strength flow with all of us.”
He looks at the child, who smiled back, with tears in their eyes as well. Enlightenment took a deep breath as to keep himself in cheek, not wanting to be too emotional, he chuckles at the writer's description before looking at them once more.
“Not that I wouldn’t mind, but it’s my job to keep a clear mind, and as for any reader who happens to be looking over this, may you not think of him too much as a softly, even though he is a fluff ball when you get to know him a certain way….hehe, look he is blushing now, see?” Enlightenment gave a bit of a sly smile at what the reader can’t see, which is the writer- “You know you can just give up the professional aspect to this, come on, we are all a family here or do you want the Protector to talk about something you rather keep hidden?” Enlightenment spoke as he interrupted….me... ‘Fine, though I love narration, so if you don’t mind I shall continue it.’ The Protector laughed at the writer before speaking himself. “I love how you think, and you actually listen, even though you could have not wrote what I would've said, I see you are committed to this at least child.”
The writer blushed a bit, smiling at the part of himself, which is the Protector- before being disrupted once more- “Can we stop using our titles, I rather have my desired name used, and I think as well as the others.”
‘Fine, as you wish Sir Night~’ The writer spoke a tad teasingly, finally giving up being all to professional at narration the breaking of a fourth wall ‘though does that really apply to the mind? No, I guess not as you- I mean I am pretty much talking to myself.’
Night and Kitty laughed, along with Fluffy smiling happily, doing a bit of a bounce of happiness at how things are happy now.
‘Though nothing has changed and we all haven’t done much at the situation before hand, I guess we could end things here for now.’ Everyone in the room nodded, for once in a good while the writer then went back and put the question mark in the title to make this all more accurate since everything went off track.
The writer then racked his neck at feeling stiff from how long he has been looking down from his writing, a question arises and the writer looked to any reader who has read this long.
‘May I ask of you something, or maybe more than just one thing… Uh… how do you think of my writings? Would you like me to write more of this and things I have done before?’ The writer points at his journals that he has posted, feeling a bit of pride at all of them as he wrote with his heart on all of them, even feeling a bit of an indescribable feeling as he looks back at many memories between the time of each one of them… he frowns a bit before continuing speaking to you? ‘I realized how...rude and possibly stupid of me to ask someone who might not even be here… or might think how weird I am for this all… I just got carried away… I’m sorry for that…..’ The writer sighs at realizing he dreams too much…and that the reader can’t really respond at this very moment of writing… though he continues to write even while he feels like crying a bit… though can’t as he refuses, even as he really yearns for it…
‘Oh...I’m sorry...I…’ The writer sighs, but something happens…
The writer does not write everything, but the sight of Fluffy hugging the writer gives him hope, giving a smile to the little one before the writer telling thanks to them. ‘I shouldn’t be sad or be talking myself down from expecting myself to be able to handle it for I think I am strong enough...heh..’ The writer smiles happily, from speaking his mind...and also being able to eat the holiday meal from yesterday when he helped to cook in culinary class, he feels warm inside… ‘Sorry, but I’m just happy right now, I have been all over the place for a while in terms of the mind, and this writing is really helping me along with other things.’ The writer looks back at his pages he has written on, he marks a note to change the title again later on so this all won't be confusing to the readers when they post it… The writer looks at any reader who may still be here…? ‘Uh...as much as I would love writing this...and a-all...actually I guess I can continue my questions, one of them being should I make an ask thing for Fluffy, Night, and O-Kitty? I would love to do something like that, make art to go with that… though putting text on it will be hard-ish as my digital drawing program doesn’t have any text tool...so maybe draw on paper or something? Besides from that… Uh...Thank you for going through this, i-it would make me happy if you consider commenting… whether it be telling me your answers, telling me something else I’ll be sure to respond… A-And if you want to note me, t-to get to know me or a part of me or whatever really… I’ll most likely respond, though I can’t really say I will respond, I am only telling the truth… I would do RP's and mainly just chat with people I feel comfortable with... ‘ The writer blushes as he speaks his mind out, seeming a bit nervous at the end of what he said… The writer decides to end this in a bit… ‘I really don’t want to stop...but I have to...uh see you later?’The last thing the reader sees is that the writer getting tackled hugged to the ground by Fluffy, the writer giggles and hugs back the child, the other two, Night and Kitty come in hugging him as well… a big group hug...no...more like a family hug...filled with smiles, hopes, and dreams...the en-...To be continued…
In an uncertain forest there once was a small dull campfire with stones to hold it in place as well as the bright of day.
None paid much attention to it for there wasn’t much use of it until the sun set and the night arises with its beauty but with a chill at its wake.
Those who grew used to the cold or didn’t mind it went soundly asleep.
But what of those who couldn’t sleep soundly and were all but awake in the cold?
They were beaconed to the fires’ light, as dull as it may be, it shone its light through the entire forest with a gentle glow as to not to wake any sleeping soul, not that it could shine brighter since it could not… and when they came, the fire kindly gave its warmth proudly.
Some gave thanks, and some did not, the fire didn’t care as long as they were warm and happy until they went asleep.
Dawn broke the horizon, a new day. Time to wake and be lively once more.
“Another day, another day, they leave and do what they must, and I’m here to ensure to keep my flame lit until night breaks so others may stay warm…To endure...” said the fire, but he has grown used to this, he might be happy but also sad as few feed the fire who openly gives, to which he is to stay dull, sometimes he can’t keep everyone warm for that, and grows sadder that he can’t grow more…
But he never asks for help… “That would be rude of me...I know I may need help...but what would they think..? Plus who really would give back to such as me, I only have any use in the night...I am dull and I know fairly little compared to all those I keep warm… They are all bigger than me and seem to inspire those around more than me as well…” The fire said to itself quietly as so no one hears. In truth, the fire does not speak out most of his thought. Disappointment fills within the fire at his weakness… So strong to keep burning, yet not strong enough to ask for help...
- Listening to: Pandora
- Reading: Robert Frost's Poems by Louis Untermeyer
- Watching: My life in general
- Playing: Nothing at the moment..
- Eating: Cookies 4 dinner...
- Drinking: Soda
I feel like I should confess… That I...feel myself wanting more...and at the same time not… As I grown in silence and fear as I was an outcast for a good amount of my years… I want to be noticed, I want to talk, I want to be told lovely words of encouragement...I want to have what I’ve been neglected… But I actually have grown within that time… I have grown to appreciate the grown ups that been in my life, respect them, learn from them… So I grown fast, developing with good morals...and the want to make others happy… to make that a goal…
Though the lack of social growth hindered me… as I sought my own happiness in the silence… which lead to the development of a few things… a deep passion for playing video games… admittedly an addiction, loving to read and learn from stories, videos, teachers…. And allowing myself to be lost in a world of fantasy instead of being caught up with reality. ( Every time I remind myself of that, I mentally slap myself…) I tell myself to wake up and smell the ashes, to realize that not everything is alright… but I don’t want to wake up… I want to dream...and wish and feel that it can come true… that everything can be made right…
But I know it’s not, I know I’m not what I want to be completely… I acknowledge the words I been told while I was an outcast as fact… that I’m stupid… and I would tell myself that as I do mistakes and other things… though I know I’m smart… I am… I am smart, lovely, and such as so…but...
I grew to be understanding and accepting… but I’m too accepting in an aspect!
By accepting the darkness...the corruption...madness...all that should not be so easily so for it is a double-edged sword...as it allows me to understand and be unclouded for those who make mistakes and do regret and want to make up for it, and I’d give them another chance… the consequence is that I can easily look over such things and not care for those who I deem unworthy...to those who don’t listen to reason and such at all, not caring for the other as they disturb and annoy with their unrelenting folly to make things easier for themselves without giving anything back...and then when something more arises or they are displeased with what results they get for they want whatever they want perfect, they do it again...going to extremes in their world of theirs to get what they want ..call me either wise or bias but in truth I can’t be oh so forgiving and happy to those who think the world revolves around them so u and only they should benefit...whenever one bothers one of those who been kind to me or me in such ways, I want to slap some sense into their thick skulls...and deep inside...well let that be my own thought to myself… All in all...I would look down on them… also, that part of oneself that makes you act when these things happen has been taken away and now I have to think more to keep in check...as I would ignore him...Night...the part of myself who reminds me and warns me and is part of looking down to those who we deem unworthy...right now he looks down at me with disappointed eyes as I’m acting as a fool in his eyes, but I love him, yes, but I’m a fool to be truthful… I am just a fool who gives all and more with a smile until there is no more…
I dream that I can combine my love of things into something to use as a tool to live and be happy… that I can be big enough to be able to use more of my time to give back...to the community and to people who need support… to friends and family as well… for I believe friends are family as well… and we should help each other instead of staying in silence or argue with one another… I also want to volunteer my time and money to causes, people, and groups to make a difference in this world… even if it’s small compared to this mad world we live in…
I want kindness in a world of madness… to grow seeds of kindness so it can grow into a tree of love, in a world where many seem to argue and anger turns into sorrow as they don’t think about tomorrow… I want to spread the love to coast to coast like butter on toast, to grow the tree of love, so one day we can sit under the shade of it and smile, to support one another, and it all starts by planting the seeds of kindness…
In truth...as all this is good, I can’t help myself but feel selfish as I dream of becoming big enough… as I’d be using what hopefully others would give to me so I can continue to do what I want to dedicate myself to...to help and support people….I know it will be a bumpy road and I shouldn’t expect it to be all too comfy if things don’t go to plan… as it may be wayward, but I want to make this my life and matter… I want to sacrifice myself in this way so I can allow seeds of kindness to grow in this mad world with confidence and support that they need.
The reason I say selfish is because...I need help to do such a big dream… to do it as much as I can...and I kind fear of asking it..., and dedicating that time in the world we live in where there pretty much is strings of responsibility always on us, mainly financially… and even though I’m sure my parents will support me if I have enough support as to show them it’s a living that I can work on and be happy with, by the time I’d have to get out of the lovely school of knowledge and teachers I wished I can spend more time in their classes, but I should be aware of life as they won’t always be there… I mean I will be working yes, hard so I can give gifts and spend time with people I have made friends with, and hopefully enough time on my hands to find more people to help and support…
Honestly speaking...I want to do streams and things like that, interact and talk with people, and maybe live like that… I feel like I can do that since many people in my school like me and call me cute, and a good person…. sooo...maybe… I can only hope...but I have my eyes on making people happy… I love giving back… so if I could make it work… with help… I’d be happy to put my life to this, and do all I can...to support others…
Of A Wandering Soul
I am lost… right now I have an idea, a big dream, and a small little group along with some hope...but do I fully expect myself to accomplish my goal and dream? In all honestly, not really, ...not without help anyway... but I want to give it my all...even though I get tired easily right now, I want to learn to endure more… so others may smile, so I can support more… for I am weak and strong… I’ve grown numb in a way… to grow stronger but at a steep price… so I will ask for help for I understand I need help and support… As I’ve grown to understand, but the thing is I have been more concern about others, and not myself, as I been spending more time and effort to support and make others happy, instead of keeping my other responsibilities in cheek...such as my sleep, my grades, and other things I’m too lazy to think right now, all of them been suffering quite a bit…. Worst of all I don’t seem to care about it all that much… since I’m still happy...more than happy as I been making friends, giving my support, and making them happy, and that's part of my dream and goal that I have grown happy to complete, and that’s all I care about.
Though I know doing this is stupid on my part and should stop doing such unstable system for the risk and penalty is very high if I continue to do so but I dangit, this is what I want to live and die doing, I know I can dedicate my life to this and be happy as my soul feels calm and content doing this, I’m passionate doing this! For when I talk about my life, I want to say I mattered, as I was an impact to people's lives in a good way! I want this to be my life, my story, and meaning! I know my current way is too much for me right now, as I am yet to develop and grow enough to support this, and right now it can screw me over.
But I been fortunate, as I am alive, when I could've easily died many times, from my first moments could’ve been my last but I was fortunate to have a doctor to diagnose me with something close enough. (It needed further testing, and just fairly recently it was accurately diagnosed) As I was missing a glucose in my blood cells that made them die quicker than the average person, and that’s something serious for someone very young, and later on I would get my spleen removed, which did make my life more stable, at the expense of having a weaker immune system, so being sick can be dangerous.
I could of broken my head open the one time I fell and hit the back of my head on a cement floor, though I was hurting, gasping for air, I somehow was not out, though I would walk away with a small bump and a little patch where hair won’t grow, it wasn’t serious enough to be sent over to the hospital...even though it was about 5 feet or so I fell… Taught me to not monkey around after that. And many other things as well.
But enough of death… when I said I was fortunate, I mean it, even though I would be an outcast for a good amount of my life as I said, I had a loving hard working mother that I couldn’t thank enough. I might have had my blood father leave about when I was 5, but it was on a good note, so I love him in my heart still… after that I became an outcast in school and so I would socialize with adults more, and grow slowly into who I am, I found grown up from my school's very fun to listen and learn from, though it was a small town, and the schools actually cared who they hire...so that may be it, and I grateful for that. It wouldn’t be until around I’m 8 or between 10 I would meet my stepfather who would, later on, adopt me under his name, he really changed my life for the best, and honestly I wouldn’t be here without him, no really, I’d probably wouldn’t be writing this to you, as I wouldn’t be in such a comfortable position life wise, and still be living in fear and as an outcast still. Though he isn’t in his prime anymore, as he been through a lot, he served so he is a veteran, he broke his back, and some doctors along the way weren’t really doing their best job as they just prescribed medicines that were conflicting, making his life worse, and a few times nearly killed him, and those moments were scary as heck...even worse he has been screwed over as he was arrested because supposedly he didn’t pay child support but he did, so he got out, his account got hacked, and amusing story he was on the phone with the bank and the women on the line asked him if it was him on another phone asking for something of a withdraw… that is very stupid. But he got that fixed... these are the things I should be more aware...
But life was still good, I was content….and I'm sorry...for talking so much but I am happy to allow others know that I’m more than open, to show how grateful I am… and really I just want to dedicate my life to giving back.
I know others may call me a foul at me being fairly happy-go-lucky, have a big dream and dare to hope.But if there is a will there is a way, and as long as I have hope to fuel to go forward, I’ll do it the best in my way… and I will finally be asking help when I need it… so let me dare to try, try, try again for kindness in a world of madness.
Let me dedicate myself to be more selfless for those in need, let my smiles be yours, let anyone learn happiness from me, and if you can lend me a hand, help me if you can, I'll be so honored, even if its something small as saying thanks.
I know I may tire, fall, and fail, but if I have hope and another chance, let me try, try, and try again.
No matter what may come.
My mind is not putting this together.... I am a meh, and...well how did I get here...? I mean I'm not really anything right now, but I am more then I thought I'd be... and well... I don't know.
May anyone please explain to my kinda broken mind, please? Right now I'm lost...
I have also gotten the chance to become certified in both Photoshop in graph design and Flash in animations, or really it's just animations-but never the less, in this year. All for free to take the test how many times I can to become certified as provided by my school, and I'll take this last shot to either be with a least one but I'm shooting for both!
So I'm buckling up and going full steam ahead on a bet to become a artist and make a living for myself in the work of arts!
I'll probably be uploading on and off as I'll be studying even more vigorously, or maybe a bit more with the more art stuff, who knows.
Wish this daring idiot good luck!