I'm going to be straightforward about this, and come out telling the truth.
I made a big mistake or instead allowed it to happen.
For those of you who only know me by a few actions or by just a name, not many of you know what happens behind the scenes. I wanted that to stay that way, but right now I'm faced with facts that may silence me for the longest of time or completely.
It would be rude to allow that to happen, even though I'm in no means am a significant presence, I have done some good and people look up at me for being kind. It puts a smile on my face knowing that I'm able to bring smiles to others, even if it is but a moment.
But I shall continue on the actual matter of why I'm writing this.
I made a mistake out of being recklessly lazy and unresponsive to what I should have been working hard on, college.
The reason why is because part of me didn't care about life or rather I don't fear too much of death. Honestly, I somewhat wanted to die early even with the many goods in my life, all I just cared about was making a difference, spread a bit of kindness and joy then dying soon enough because I grew up believing I didn't matter.
Why? Because my childhood was of me being lonely, outcast, bullied, and other things. You can get the picture; it was enough to break a part of me, as I can't seem to feel love like other people seem to feel, can't seem even to love my parents the way I wished I wanted to from being isolated for so long, and many other things, but even then I became who I am with those events and future ones that helped me such as the people around me nowadays.
I still care, I still love, I admit I'm not the best, but I do my best, even when I act and am a fool. I smile with pain and smile with joy while I'm both the fool and the wise man.
Writing this is making me tired as I had little sleep after my mistake, the mistake of not turning an assignment which is leading to events of me walking around the dorms late at night, stress cleaning at 4 am in the morning. Leaving me to a day of going around the campus getting information to prepare myself after being told I have to drop my class. Under normal circumstances that wouldn't be the end of the world, but I'm under financial probation and dropping a class means going under suspension, as in I have to pay out of pocket and what not if I want to finish and have a chance to earn back my financial aid.
The point is, things can go either way, but I'm not going down without a fight in trying to redeem myself. I know I'm going to have to work, but that is life, and I would have more of a purpose to work hard.
I already talked to everyone I need to understand the situation at hand, from the financial aid office and people of the like to talking and starting the process of finding a job in the office that helps for that.
I may go back to working at my first job which was had very friendly people or find work on the island near my town or find work through the office. I'm just getting ready to buckle down and do what needs to be done.
As it rains with heavy tears outside, set in a mood as I write this, it leaves me thinking will I keep this mind that I am in, ready to take the world on even with being tired, or shall I fail once more?
...The only way I shall fail is if I lost sight and forget what I have still, I still have a chance and all the tools I have gained with my time learning. I need to try... and hopefully, I can accept others help and ask for help when I need it for I grew up being quiet and fearful of such actions.
I have dreams still, and those dreams have me again putting smiles on others peoples' faces. Even when the thunder of the rains may scare me and cloud over my mind, I'll be doing my best, this time for sure.
And sorry if things are not consistent, I am running on one hour of sleep and trying to get this done so I may move on- as in with stuff I have to do, not from this site as a goodbye, for I do care and love this place and the people it has. I want to be able to still share and enjoy things with others, whether it be art or talk or any other thing.