fledermaus

So I like the feedback here, I really do, but I'm left largely at a loss about how to deal with it.  Some I had things to say about, and I may not say it right away, but that's because I have a tendency to think about things too long, and then they fall out of my brain but its crowded and a jumbled mess in there.  But after the second "Thanks!" reply I start feeling disingenuous and stupid, and start rethinking my determination to go through my comments and do things about them.  Looking at your pages, yes, of course, I'll still do that- I have a huge long list now of Explorer favs of dev/art people to look back at some time at my leisure, so I can make decisions about who to get notifications on, and who to just watch now and again.  You see, I'm also a packrat, and have a tendency not to clean out my messages, so its a great big mess of goo in there right now, and that is not unusual.

Tack on a lack of social skills, and I'm not sure how to deal with it all so other people understand that I am not snubbing them, or, alternately, being an attention seeker.  And by a lack of social skills, I mean "Hi!  I'm the poster child for social anxiety disorder!" and I completely base social reactions on what other people do, so it takes me a while to figure out what the social norm in situations I'm supposed to follow is.  People have difficulties carrying on conversations with me, because I simply do not know what to say (I am better than I was).  It is not that I don't want to talk to people, I just don't carry conversations, because I am quite out of practice on what people even actually talk about.  This has led to every boyfriend to call me "emotionally distant" but be completely wrong as to the reason why (I'm not afraid of showing it, I just don't know what is appropriate in situations, and I don't want to commit a social faux pas- which would embarass him just as much as me.  Every girlfriend I've had has been another story, but then, they've all had somewhat the same problem).  But this leaves me wondering, do I appear desperate for attention by going through and posting one word replies to all my comments, instead of simply wishing to acknowledge that I do indeed read them and pay attention?  I do not know.  When it comes down to it, I rarely even know how to post comments to people when I see something I like- simply "Neat!" or the like seems, well, lame, to me as something to say, so I often try to hold off until I am wittier or more interesting, and that day never comes, of course.  I deal with replying to my own feedback in much the same way, putting off until tomorrow what I ought to do today, because I am generally at a loss for words.

So I tend to keep myself to myself, in ways that people would see, but I always have my eyes and ears open.  I don't advertise, I am very much a place people have to find, and that's how its always been.  Perhaps in your travels to this out of the way corner you found something pleasing, perhaps not- when it really comes down to it, I do things for myself, and I share them simply because it is almost as easy as simply not.  Sometimes it even convinces me to do something new, which is always good.


On to something somewhat related, but completely different- criticism is interesting.  I've noticed two things about art critics (by which I mean the ones who point out flaws [real and imaginary] and talk about how they don't like things, not those who provide real feedback)- 1) they usually aren't artists, and I've gotten nothing but constructive from the few who have posted criticism here, which is an entirely different animal, because this is an art community, and 2) the better the art, the harsher the criticism.  The might even stoop to constructive, if they say anything at all, to people with simpler art styles, but they will tear about any little thing better artists produce- including making concious stylistic choices on the part of the artist into flaws the artist didn't see.  Its a strange phenomenon.  These same people won't dare say a negative word to "professional" artists who are getting paid, they only feel the need to critique people who are doing it for fun.  It is refreshing to find a cozy little corner where this microcosm of the jealous side of human nature is not as apparent, and for that, I thank deviantart (which I always half read as devian tart first, but that may just be my affection for tarts showing through).