And now, some amazing works in my Favorites folder that are begging to be seen:
This content is intended for mature audiences.
or, enter your birth date.*
Yep. I went there. Not without help, mind you. A male coworker who met his fiancee through online dating persuaded me to try it.
So I chose one well-known site and filled out a profile. I used the Batgirl t-shirt picture of myself as a profile picture. I'm not attempting to come across as anything I'm not, so my answers to the questions were laden with Rima's blunt, swear-filled sarcasm:
Yes, I mind if you're messy. You're a grown up, pick up your shit.
No, I don't like to be humiliated in the bedroom. And DAFUK is wrong with you people???
Sure, I meditate. If by meditate you mean close your eyes, listen to music, and let your mind wander. I don't, however, get in lotus position and engage my perineal muscles.
I admit that answering these questions was 75% of the fun. The other 25% was perusing the men's profiles and cackling with unbridled glee at their idiotic answers. I thought for sure that my profile description and answers would deter any pencil dicks from contacting me.
Yeah, I was wrong.
Granted, most of these guys probably don't even read the profile. They just click on the pictures they like and send messages like, "Heeeeeeey, girl, what u doin? You r hot"
Occasionally, however, a guy does take the time to read my profile and I'll get messages that praise my sense of humor and wit. Sometimes the men match me with their own wit and sarcasm. Those guys are awesome.
THEN there are the other guys, who really, really need therapy. Here's a quick rundown of my favorites so far:
- ANY man who posts a picture of himself shirtless. Double points for the guy who is shirtless AND holding a puppy. Because, hot damn, dude is determined to get laid.
- The 40-yr-old who posted a picture of himself at the doctor's, in a paper gown. His caption reads, "Getting an STD workup. YOU should do it TOO!"
- The supposed firefighter in his red helmet, covered in soot and sweat, and shirtless (yes, he's hot, but that's completely besides the point).
- The greasy-haired Soap Star named Alfredo who writes only in poetry.
And the messages I get... The messages! Some of them are downright hysterical in the most depressing way possible. Because this is what's become of romance, people. Romance is dead. Want proof? Join an online dating site.
Incidentally, the milkshake guy is 21. Which makes me 15 years older than him. I have one word: NO.
Dafuk?? For the record, there is NOTHING on my profile that would indicate I prefer "rocker types." I'm not even sure what a rocker type is, to be honest. I can't help but imagine a current-day Gene Simmons all decked out in KISS paint and in saggy leather pants. Sounds like homeboy needs to take care of some insecurities before he starts trying to pick up women, huh?
Have a good week, ya'll. I'll keep you posted.
I don't normally make resolutions, but this year I have one: To be more productive in all aspects of life that make me happy. And that includes art.
For Christmas, my brother and his wife got me a Cintiq pen tablet. Talk about a wonderful gift. I realized that folks like my work and recognize my talent, and that alone inspires me to create. Thank you, all of you, for supporting me and being such wonderful virtual friends.
I'd like to send some special love to -- We love you, sweetie pie. Hang in there.
Be patient with me as I fave all your gorgeous artwork and get back into the groove. Let's tear 2015 up!
It's no real secret that I love this holiday. It's not that I'm obsessed with death or anything, or that I even enjoy being scared (too badly). But some small, childish part of me relishes the dressing up, the excitement, the cool, crisp air of autumn, the twilight fading to a night lit by an orange moon and flickering jack-o-lanterns.
What can I say? I'm a kid at heart.
Enjoy the fantastic Hallow's Eve 2014 works below. Whether you prefer your Halloween macabre or Disney-ish, there's something for all tastes.
Seriously? When did I lose the ability to navigate my fork to my mouth? AM I THREE YEARS OLD? DAFUK????
And it's one of my favorite white tees. MOTHER EFFER.
DEEP BREATH. I'm okay now. I'm okay. I think....
So this year I am dressing up as....
A female Assassin. From Assassin's Creed. YEEEEAAAAAHHHH BABY!
My costume won't be as cool as that one, AHEM, but it'll work. Because I'm resourceful. Don't worry, I'll take pictures. If I'm not too drunk. (Am I the only mom who fills up a super-sized thermos of beer to go trick or treating with her kids? Yes? No? Maybe? SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP.)
Rules of BEING TAGGED:
(I changed the rules... why? Because I'm a rebel, that's why ) --> I think this was Tammy's insert, btw She's so freaking awesome.
1. Share ten things about yourself.
2. Answer the ten questions asked to you and invent ten questions the people you tag have to answer.
3. Tag whatever number of people you want.
Ten things about myself. My God, what DON'T you people know yet???
1. I hate lipstick. Or lip gloss. Or any goop that goes on women's lips. I never wear it. Other makeup? I'm okay with. Lip goop? NO.
2. I used to play tennis.
3. And I used to fence foil. Don't f*ck with me.
4. I will eat anything once. Except insects. I draw the line at insects. :bademoticon:
5. I snore. Yeah, you got a problem with that???
6. I'm a wee bit OCD about bodily hygiene. I wash my hands until my skin cracks.
7. I LOVE people who have a sense of humor.
8. I think is one of the most awesome artists on DA.
9. JESUS CHRIST. AM I AT TEN YET???
10. I'm SUPER impatient. When I want something, I want it NOW NOW NOW NOW! :bademoticon:
AND NOW, FOR THE QUESTIONS:
1. If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?
Do I have to pick just ONE??? I want to learn how to fight like a
2. What would you name the autobiography of your life?
A Funny Thing Happened Today....
3. What do you miss most about being a kid?
The absolute joy at the simple things: A ladybug landing on my arm. A rainbow. SUNSHINE.
4. If money was no object, what would you do all day?
Uh... What I'm doing now?
5. How would your friends describe you?
Funny. And tough.
6. What movie deserves a sequel?
I can't think of any. Sequels, in general, SUCK>
7. If you could project yourself into the past, were would you go?
Holy crap. DO I HAVE TO PICK JUST ONE TIME PERIOD??? So long as you can guarantee I can come back... The Middle Ages.
8. If you were in a witness protection program, what would be your alias?
Fucked Up One.
9. What songs are included on the soundtrack to your life?
Anything by Hybrid. With a few tracks from Maroon 5.
10. What is your favorite movie line or scene?
"You learned to dance like that sarcastically?" - The Other Guys
Alright, MoFo's. My victims:
1. What's your favorite kind of food?
2. What's the one request you will ALWAYS turn down?
3. How old were you when you lost... YOUR MIND?
4. What's the worst gift you've ever received?
5. What story does your family always tell about you?
6. How old were you when you became an adult?
7. Is a picture worth a thousand words? Elaborate. You have 20 seconds.
8. Where’s Waldo?
9. If you could have sex with one person on DA, it would be...?
10. If you could tell Rima how insane she is, you would/would not.
Well, I was set up on a blind date with him by my friend, Sara.
I mean, I had THOUGHT Sara and I were friends. Until Seth. And then I told her the story of what happened, and she *kind* of acted like she'd anticipated it. Which made me wonder about how "well-meaning" Sara had been to begin with.
Our sorority formal happened to land the day before my 21st birthday. And Sara was absolutely outraged that I wasn't going. But there was no chance in HELL I was letting her set me up again. So we compromised: I would go to the formal—stag. She seemed cool with this (thank Jesus).
So, the night of the formal rolled around, and a group of us went to dinner in downtown Philly before heading to the party. I was the only "single" girl there, but it didn't bother me, because my alternative was sitting in my closet-sized room eating Doritos and watching Seinfeld reruns (or WAIT, were they the actual runs??? OMGGGGGGG). Sara and her date sat across from me, and Sara introduced us. His name was Mike, and he was an Italian Stallion. I mean, he was HOT... until he opened his mouth. What came out was the most horrific, godawful Brooklyn accent I had ever been subjected to. It actually hurt my ears. As I downed my glass of wine, I decided that AT LEAST he was nice to look at.
The alcohol loosened my tongue, and I asked, "So, Sara, is Mike your boyfriend?"
She laughed and blushed. "No, nononononono." She patted his arm. "We're just friends. Right, Mike?" When he smiled and nodded, she added, "But he speaks Italian! Mike, speak in Italian for Rima."
Oh, Jesus. I braced myself for the horror of hearing that Brooklyn catastrophe, but what emerged was a sound so beautiful I was shocked Brooklyn Boy could utter it: "Quest' la vita e qui il gioire, un' ora di abbrezzo e poi moire."
Okay. The Italian Stallion was hot so long as he didn't speak English.
By the time dinner was over I was fairly buzzed. We made it over to the formal event and, to be honest, most of the evening was a blur. Then, at midnight, I suddenly turned to find Mike standing beside me, smiling. "Yo, Rima. So. Since it's midnight and all, I thought I could be the first one to wish you a happy birthday—with a kiss."
I cringed ever-so-subtly at his accent, then replied sweetly, "Only if you ask in Italian." And never speak English in my presence again.
He grinned. "Posso baciarti, bella signora?"
I shrugged. "Sure!"
The only thing I really remember about that kiss was that, at some point, he broke away and murmured, "I can do better than that. Can I try again?"
Me: "I guess so, just promise you'll only ever speak in Italian to me."
He laughed. "But you won't understand what I'm saying."
Me: "Yeah, I'm cool with that. Really."
Anyways, this kiss apparently was epic, because by the time I opened my eyes and looked around, THE WHOLE ROOM was looking at us. And, needless to say, I kinda freaked out. "Uh, Listen, Mike, I need to find Sara."
I rushed to the bathroom to pee, but go figure, Sara was there. So I swallowed hard and said, "So, Sara... You were serious at dinner, when you said you and Mike were just friends?" Because I just sort of made out with him. In front of the whole goddamn sorority.
She gazed at herself in the mirror. "Yep. Just friends. Not interested in him at all. Why?"
I forced a grin. "Weeeelll, becauseIjustkindakissedhimandareyoumadatme?"
The smile fell from her face. After a moment, she said, "Oh, no worries. I don't care at all. You can have him."
Oooookay. I wanted to believe her, but something about the way she said it led me to believe she actually did care.
Needless to say, I avoided Mike after that incident.
The next day, I heard that Sara rushed back to her apartment, grabbed all of Mike's clothes and lacrosse gear, and threw it all into a dumpster. Then, when he returned to get his stuff, she made a HUGE scene in front of the whole neighborhood, hitting him and screaming obscenities.
Oddly enough, she wasn't mad at me. Mike, on the other the other hand, joined Seth in the list of "Men Who Avoid Rima Lest They Get Their Asses Kicked."
OMG. I LOVE that emote. You have to watch it go through the full range of emotions before you'll understand why. THAT LITTLE EMOTE IS ME.
I was nineteen or twenty, I think. I had just broken up with my two-timing boyfriend and my well-meaning friend, Sara, was determined to set me up on a blind date. Because as we all know, blind dates are the BEST way to find true love. SNORT.
To make matters worse, after conning me into a blind date with her friend, Seth, Sara kept reassuring me that he was "so nice. I mean he's a doll. HE'S SO NICE."
Now, I don't claim to be a psychologist, but in my experience, this kind of insistence is not a good thing. Because it means he's ugly. (Oh please, as if you weren't thinking the same thing. If he were good-looking, Sara would insist that he's SO HOTTTTT! Amiright?)
Well, my weekend nights at the time consisted of watching Friends reruns (or was it the original runs? Omigod I'm so oooold) and eating Twinkies alone, so I reluctantly agreed.
Seth was nice. And he tried his damnedest to be funny, which was awkward, because he totally wasn't. He wasn't ugly, per se, but... Look, dude reeked of desperation. He may as well have been wearing a sign that read, SLEEP WITH ME PLZ, I'M REALLY NICE.
So at the end of the date, which couldn't come quickly enough, he walked me to my doorstep and I groaned inwardly, because I knew what was coming. Poor Seth was going to try to kiss me or something like that because Seth can't read body language to save his life, and I was going to have to reject him as NICELY as possible.
Sure enough, at that very awkward moment, Seth said, "Rima, I had such a great time tonight that, at this point, I'll take anything from a handshake to a hand job."
Me & friends:
Yeah, Seth never talked to me again. Hope everyone's having a good week.
It's been so long since I've been a part of the DA photo manipulation community. I miss it dearly. And Nick's passing really hit home with me. I went back through the messages he sent me and started crying. Because really, compared to Nick, what do we have to complain about? People are nasty to us, sometimes things don't go our way. But Nick... Well, he was always good to us, wasn't he? Whenever we feel down, let's remember him and his courage.
And now, a long-overdue feature. You all deserved this six months ago.
<da:thumb id="478541216"/> <da:thumb id="478877901"/>
I know I forgot a ton. I'm half asleep and hungry.
DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.
- John Donne
RIP Nick Stone
I suck as a Deviant. I realize this. It's been WAY too long since I've connected with all of you and browsed your artwork. I know this. That having been said... the past three nights I’ve had variations of the same dream: I’m in a crowded public place, like a mall or a busy street, when I suddenly realize I’m naked. So I scramble to find something to cover up with as a crowd forms around me, and people are gasping and pointing and laughing…
I’m pretty sure the dreams have something to do with, oh, I don’t know, my book release, and the fact that people I will never meet are reading and critiquing my book. This is some tough shit, guys. Still, I am never above some shady self promotion, and should mention that my book is going for 99 cents until next week. www.amazon.com/Knight-Assassin…
Okay. I promise that as soon as the crazy dreams stop, I will come back to DA and, you know, PARTICIPATE. Have I mentioned that I love you all? I love you ALL.
I'm finally able to browse through all your amazing works, dear friends, and realizing how much AWESOMENESS I've been missing this past couple weeks! It will take me months to catch up, there are so many gorgeous works in my messages. And I'm frustrated that I missed out on all of it, because I was too busy obsessing over early reader reviews of my book.
Just so you know, the artist community is SO MUCH MORE FORGIVING than the reader community! Holy shit, I'm not even kidding. My ego has been trashed to hell by book bloggers in a way that NO DEVIANT has ever done, regardless of what they thought of my work. I've always received constructive criticism from people here at DA, and if there was ever animosity, it was because someone thought I had stolen their work or idea. But blatant bashing of my creativity? No. Never. And that is something I am having to learn to to accept as a writer. And motherf*cker, it's hard. I've found myself in tears more often this week than an entire year!
In any case, I have a new appreciation for artists. I love you all, for your support and your kindness. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
*I must add: Thank you to Ellysiumn for keeping my bullshit in perspective. Raz, you are an amazing human being, and a SURVIVOR.
HI YOU GUYS!! I've been a terrible Deviant and haven't been on here in a while. Give me time, I'll answer all of your beautiful comments, I promise! I've been promoting my book Knight Assassin, which comes out March 4th. I've also been, you know, working. And taking care of my kids, who need to eat EVERY DAY. Can you believe that sh*t?
In any case, I thought I'd give you the lowdown on my book, to see if any of you were interested. Knight Assassin is being marketed by my publisher as "young adult fantasy." Whatever -- it's mainly historical fiction with magical elements, and it's pretty damned ADULT in content. Be forewarned: It's dark. There is nothing light and fluffy about this story, and it's not for readers seeking a light, cheerful, fluffy read. I got my inspiration from video games and comic books, so you be the judge. Not to mention, I'm all kinds of messed up in the head. Anyways, here is the cover, designed by one of our own, KellieArt
Good effing question! So here's the deal: I submitted it to my publisher, who thought teens would be more likely to pick up the book if the girl's face was visible. You know, so they can identify with the character, or some sh*t. And since I'm not a marketing expert, I went with their votes. Ultimately, however, I love KellieArt 's version and think it'll do well.
Another question you might be wanting to ask is, Why didn't you make your own cover? Another good question, my clever little friends. The answer is: I didn't want to. How do I explain it so that it makes sense? Had I made the cover, too much of me would be on display for criticism. I can't even tell you exactly why I feel this way; I just really needed someone else to make the cover.
In any case, Knight Assassin comes out March 4th and if you're interested in purchasing the ebook for the measly price of $4, please wait until the release day to do so! (It ups my Amazon street cred. ) Here is the link. The print version will be available one month later, if you prefer hard copies.
Okay, what do you guys think???
Photomanipulation Tournament 2014Something awesome this way comes!!!!
We are excited to introduce our newest photomanipulation challenge to the community. This is a series of battles to determine who can out-manipulate the other teams. This is a super long journal, but please take a minute at least to skim it and find out what this exciting challenge is all about. If you want to register, there are instructions at the bottom.
We are seeking prizes! If you are able to help, please leave a comment on this journal or contact Aeirmid.
What is a manip-off?
The manip-off is a series of "battles" in which rival teams/individuals challenge one another to reach beyond their photomanipulation skills and create something awesome. It's a battle to the death, and only one person or team will emerge victorious. We are looking for photomanip "champions," so there are three "rounds" of manipulations plus a championship round to choose a winner.
First I'd like to apologize for not answering all your beautiful comments yet. I literally glance at my messages and want to hide, I have so many to reply to. And to make things worse, I have a "day job" I've been neglecting in order to putz around on Photoshop, and my work is piling up. So have patience with me!
And speaking of my comments, I'm surprised how many guys made flippant comments about my work and "girl power." Like, for instance, "Yeah, of course she gets a DD, it's all about women's empowerment and stuff."
Oh, yeah, that "women empowerment" bullshit that makes crappy work get noticed. This *is* 2014, right? Do I really have to apologize for making art about kickass chicks? In an age when women are war heroes, Nobel Prize winners, astronauts and presidents? I thought we got over that shiz ten years ago.
I've got two daughters. I'm not going to Photoshop the hell out of women's bodies so that they look like society's ideal. I'm not going to make art in which women are lying around bleeding, crying, or just looking gorgeous for the sake of looking gorgeous. When my girls look at my art, I want them to feel fucking EMPOWERED, the same way guys do when they look at images portraying men. I'm not saying art can't show weakness or faults or all that. I'm saying that there will be no inequality in the way men and women are treated in MY work.
And now that you've put up with my rant, I gift you with a GIRL POWER feature!
And my latest work...
She's looking at you, bitches