Ya'll who watch me may have noticed a severe lack of art for a good chunk of time. I've not quit doing artwork. I've not stopped uploading to DA to instead upload on a different platform. 

On May 30'th, 2018, I got a letter back from Social Security about my application to get Disability. I've been fighting to get Disability now for over 2 years. Last January, I had a hearing in front of a judge on my case. I presented her with a manilla envelope FULL of information defending my claims. Paperwork from a mental institute, a letter from my therapist, a list of my medications signed by my psychiatrist, paperwork showing how much money I owed Genoa (a supplier of medication), an eviction letter from my landlord in regards to my mental instability and how hard it is to live with me, even my W4's showing how little money I make each year (less than $10,000). 

I've been declined for Disability many times, but still I fight for it because I know that I NEED to be on it. Everyone around me knows I need to be on it. However... May 30th's decline was so earth shattering and soul crushing... that I haven't recovered from it even to this day. 

I went to my hearing well washed, kept together, and ready to answer the judge's questions. I held myself together, trying not to break down in front of her so my defense could be heard. I told her about how I use art and video games as coping methods for when I get anxiety or panic attacks. That I live with other people and have a job that I go to every day save for Thursdays and Sundays. 

All of that... was used against me. 

Because I came in well washed, kept eye focus, spoke clearly, and can draw and play video-games, live with others (that I tend to avoid by staying in my room all day), have a job (I have no choice with that. Even if I was living with my mom, she would never allow me to be jobless), I was deemed well enough that I didn't need to be on Disability. Mind you, at that point, on January 19th (the day of the hearing), I had already called off 12 times from work in 2018 ALONE due to my mental instability. I even told them about that. Told them that last year alone I called off over 20 times because of it. There was a man over the phone that was a professional with disabled people or whatever, and he even stated that someone who calls off 3 times every month is deemed an incapable worker. 

According to them, I am healthy and perfectly fine and I don't need help. 

Reading that broke me. It broke my hold over myself. I have panic attacks more frequently now, anxiety attacks almost every week, and my biggest coping method for them, my art, has been stolen/stripped from me entirely. I can't even force myself to make a sketch without struggling to make even a single line. 

I don't know when I will break from this. I don't know when my ability to draw will return to me. I don't know if what little bit of my remaining stability will stay or go. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm broken. 

I'm still fighting them. I won't stop. But I have no hope that my continued fighting will get me anything and it's wearing me down more and more each day. I want to draw so fucking badly but... I don't know how to anymore. It's not art block. It's lack of motivation... lack of hope... lack of willpower... 

I just wanted to let ya'll know I haven't stopped submitting art. That I haven't given up on DA. It's simply just that... I feel like my soul has given up on life. 

I have commissions I need to do and I've been trying to do them ever since I got paid. I go to try and sketch every day, force my hand to the tablet, force my mind to focus... yet I still wind up just staring at the screen in frustration because my arm won't move. I'm not going to give up or stop though. I promised the commissioner I would get the art done and I will keep to it. I just... I just don't know how long it will take me. 

I want to draw so badly. 
I miss it so much. 
I pray that it returns to me soon.
I don't know how much longer I can continue on living like this.