I think it's a good time to share a story. This isn't one I've written. This is the story about my week. You see, I'm going through a lot. I know that's not unusual for people. Everyone goes through a lot of crud in their life, but I feel the need to talk about it because it's talking about something that not many people do: depression. I've dealt with depression many times through out my adult life. I've been through a lot of crud...a lot of stuff that I tend to hold in and hat I'm just now starting to open up about and connect with others about, others who have been through similar experiences.
My wedding is in four months. I'm filled with both excitement and trepidation. I know that Brian is the man I'm meant to be with. He takes amazing care of me. He listens to me, even when I'm putting myself down...when I'm having bad days. He deals with my depression the best way he can from the outside: by loving me and supporting me. It's hard to explain to others the feeling that go on inside me. He tries to understand; he really does, but it's hard.
But anyways, as such, we are in full planning mode, which is very stressful. Earlier this week, we decided to go shoe shopping for me. Here is what I posted on Face book about it:
Seeing and reading this is kind of timely for me. You see, yesterday we went shoe shopping for me. I wanted a new pair of sandals and to look into a pair of shoes for the wedding. I also wanted a pair of ankle boots I had seen on the website, but sadly, those were not meant to be. Due to various things, I have to get flats and wide width. This makes it difficult to find decent shoes at times. I had already looked at the the bridal shoe offerings online, and while I hadn't been impressed, I was hoping maybe there would be something different in store. There wasn't. All the flats offerings looked like crap, while the heels looked gorgeous and pretty. In the end, I got two pairs of the same sandal, one in white and one in black.
But this made me depressed and it snowballed into a bigger thing. I ended up breaking down on Brian twice last night. Not only am I under a tremendous amount of stress with planning the wedding and making sure we can pay for it all, but with school, my health, and going through the bankruptcy. To add this on top of it, and I just don't feel pretty...beautiful. With all my health problems and the machines/meds that go with them, I tend to feel like a freaky monster of nature. I was wearing one of my soft, elastic headbands yesterday with some bobby pins to hold it in place because my hard headband has been making my headaches worse, but all I could think about was people seeing me and comparing me to Richard Simmons like my brother did one time, and it hurt. No, I shouldn't worry about what others think, but I do. I want to look good when I go out. At times it feels like the only thing I can control.
It's hard when I have days like this. It can be devastating when little things can have such a damaging effect.
This post was accompanied by a photo French model Tara Lynn and an inspirational story. That's not pertinent to this journal, but if you would like to see it, you can go here
. As you can see, it was a rough experience for me. I was doing a bit better Tuesday, then Wednesday hit...
I'm in the process of going through bankruptcy. It's a long story, but the fact of the matter is that it is a necessary part of my life right now and it needs to be done before Brian and I get married in August. I'll be better for it in the long run. Wednesday, I was all set to work on classwork (my Final Paper is due this week), and I received a call from my bankruptcy lawyer's office assistant. (Note that I have two lawyers because I am still trying to get disability for my health issues.) She was quite rude and harsh over the phone, insisting that my student loans were income and wouldn't explain more when I asked her about it. She pretty much gave me a "it just is!" answer, which I found unsatisfactory. So instead of going to our eight-year-old nephew's Earth Day play (where he was a spider), my fiancé and I made a trip to my bank to get paperwork, and then to the lawyer's office to give them the paperwork. Luckily, the lawyer was still there, and after the meeting she was in, was willing to see us without an appointment. She explained why we had to have that information and that while my student loans technically do not count as income, we have to account for it due to some court stuff. She relieved some of my stress and answered my questions. I was also able to tell her my feelings about the assistant, which she chalked up to a bad day, and I get that, we all have them, bt it was nice being able to state my problems.
All of this has made me very depressed this week. Add to that that it is technically Finals week, and we get even more stress. I also turn thirty-two this weekend. So I'm questioning a few things...like if I'm doing the right thing pursuing the degree that I am; is being an author really the path that I'm supposed to be following; am I doing the right thing? I feel like a failure because I'm having to file for bankruptcy. I feel like a failure because I don't get a lot of people commenting on my work here or following my page over on Facebook
. I know I shouldn't be worried about that and I should write for myself, but this is a competitive business, and my classes are teaching me that you have to have a platform, otherwise publishers won't look at you. I try to build my platform. I post, share, and what not, but it feels like no matter what I do, it's not enough. I'm just at a loss as to what to do and it leaves me depressed and questioning myself.
I love to write, but is that enough?