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Description
One of those things I know I need to work on in the same vein as this comic
I have a problem where I assume any mistake I make will be greeted with anger, tears, and abandonment. This is because all mistakes I made growing up, no matter how slight, were treated in the same way. With anger, frustration, and weird threats of expulsion from family or attacks on my humanity. That became my internal dialogue, one I still live with.
Nowadays I can recognize this self-depreciation for what it is, but it doesn't keep the emotions at bay. Since this is my self-view and what I assumed everyone reacted like as a child, my gut reaction to any mistake is to think the other person is having a secret nervous breakdown. Which makes me freak out, thinking anger, frustration, and abandonment will come next.
The logical response, according to what I've been threatened with and my brain's negative assumptions about my own self-worth, is to simply leave everyone alone until my presence in their lives returns to zero. So that I needn't "inflict" myself on people and continually make them upset. Because that's how I view myself, as a hair's breadth away from causing a disaster at any given moment.
For those among Internetland, this isn't healthy behavior. If you think you're worthless, useless, a thing to be tossed aside once you commit some foul like milk gone bad, I want everyone to remember that is NOT normal. Whoever keeps telling you that you're not deserving of any relationship and that you should just remove yourself from the equation to prevent people from getting upset, they're WRONG.
Mistakes are for learning. They're not life ending. They teach you what's ok and not ok and normal people don't go into frothing tantrums if you don't say the right word at the right time. That's how you grow.
I'm currently in the process of getting help for my problems. I hope you guys also find help and reasonable people.
I have a problem where I assume any mistake I make will be greeted with anger, tears, and abandonment. This is because all mistakes I made growing up, no matter how slight, were treated in the same way. With anger, frustration, and weird threats of expulsion from family or attacks on my humanity. That became my internal dialogue, one I still live with.
Nowadays I can recognize this self-depreciation for what it is, but it doesn't keep the emotions at bay. Since this is my self-view and what I assumed everyone reacted like as a child, my gut reaction to any mistake is to think the other person is having a secret nervous breakdown. Which makes me freak out, thinking anger, frustration, and abandonment will come next.
The logical response, according to what I've been threatened with and my brain's negative assumptions about my own self-worth, is to simply leave everyone alone until my presence in their lives returns to zero. So that I needn't "inflict" myself on people and continually make them upset. Because that's how I view myself, as a hair's breadth away from causing a disaster at any given moment.
For those among Internetland, this isn't healthy behavior. If you think you're worthless, useless, a thing to be tossed aside once you commit some foul like milk gone bad, I want everyone to remember that is NOT normal. Whoever keeps telling you that you're not deserving of any relationship and that you should just remove yourself from the equation to prevent people from getting upset, they're WRONG.
Mistakes are for learning. They're not life ending. They teach you what's ok and not ok and normal people don't go into frothing tantrums if you don't say the right word at the right time. That's how you grow.
I'm currently in the process of getting help for my problems. I hope you guys also find help and reasonable people.
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Comments13
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Hey I know this is in october but this worries me hon!! 
This is heartbreaking and I'm concerned now. But I'm soo soo happy though you reached out to us through art as I sure as hell did not see this side of you. I thought you were extremely confident and never ever saw this.
Thing is, I think a lot of people may feel or mistake you as the person on the left hand side. I view you as being quite logical and that you sometimes actually correct things that you know through your research is wrong. I never personally questioned you and instead thought that this was self assuring to not speak against you.
I am therefore very very surprised that you feel this way. I hope I didn't contribute to your feeling this way as I really love your totally different way of arting and being! Just because I don't understand it completely doesn't mean it's bad or wrong. And someday you could explain to us what you like when doing this and the joy you had in creating it.
Anyways, I think a lot of us are intimidated by not only your talent but your intelligence. We don't function at the same level (I sure as hell don't because my brains were fried due to arting so damn much) and often times I do like the derpy cliche things because I need a break. Art is fun but I drive myself hard. Very hard and I'm really sleep deprived at times and just don't want to think too much.
I'm working on foundations now which are frankly put, very generic, very realistic and very DUH obvious. Why I'm working on it is because when I go into the industry I cannot afford to lose any audience from confusion via creatiity and wild designs. Only after the foundations are more solid can I push my designs. And sometimes I look at your art to get my artistic creative rocks off because some of the things I do may feel like watching paint dry. (who seriously wants to draw 30 spheres on tone paper?)
Anyways I'm again functioning off of little sleep but I want to make this clear that you are NOT worthless ok? I always thought you were extremely creative and that someday you would carve your own niche and style from what you're exploring.
I'm again so glad and happy you explained yourself through art. It's a common language and I now totally understand your true feelings and want to give you a big ol' hug. I wish I knew how you felt as I seriously thought you were happy and confident.
This is heartbreaking and I'm concerned now. But I'm soo soo happy though you reached out to us through art as I sure as hell did not see this side of you. I thought you were extremely confident and never ever saw this.
Thing is, I think a lot of people may feel or mistake you as the person on the left hand side. I view you as being quite logical and that you sometimes actually correct things that you know through your research is wrong. I never personally questioned you and instead thought that this was self assuring to not speak against you.
I am therefore very very surprised that you feel this way. I hope I didn't contribute to your feeling this way as I really love your totally different way of arting and being! Just because I don't understand it completely doesn't mean it's bad or wrong. And someday you could explain to us what you like when doing this and the joy you had in creating it.Anyways, I think a lot of us are intimidated by not only your talent but your intelligence. We don't function at the same level (I sure as hell don't because my brains were fried due to arting so damn much) and often times I do like the derpy cliche things because I need a break. Art is fun but I drive myself hard. Very hard and I'm really sleep deprived at times and just don't want to think too much.
I'm working on foundations now which are frankly put, very generic, very realistic and very DUH obvious. Why I'm working on it is because when I go into the industry I cannot afford to lose any audience from confusion via creatiity and wild designs. Only after the foundations are more solid can I push my designs. And sometimes I look at your art to get my artistic creative rocks off because some of the things I do may feel like watching paint dry. (who seriously wants to draw 30 spheres on tone paper?)
Anyways I'm again functioning off of little sleep but I want to make this clear that you are NOT worthless ok? I always thought you were extremely creative and that someday you would carve your own niche and style from what you're exploring.
I'm again so glad and happy you explained yourself through art. It's a common language and I now totally understand your true feelings and want to give you a big ol' hug. I wish I knew how you felt as I seriously thought you were happy and confident.