Rogueport Direct Mail - Issue 3 (November 2016)

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Rogueport Direct Mail

Issue III – November 2016

Thousand-Year Door protectors protest site destruction, sales pitch

Hordes of toad, goomba, bandit and craw protestors stood ranting in front of the fabled Thousand-Year Door Wednesday in defiance against the Pianta Syndicate and Don Frankie Pianta who wish to excavate the mighty door itself for the highest bidder.
Many argue this is a direct violation of the memory of not only old Rogueport and the ancient history sealed within the current Palace of Shadow, but also is a disgrace to the heroics famed Mario and his friends displayed years ago in their battle against the X-Nauts, Bowser’s forces and the Shadow Queen.
The Don is of a different mindset: “We only want to benefit the town of Rogueport with this auction; the town’s economy has been fast declining with our port becoming obsolete, so we made this drastic business decision in the best interests of all people,” he said.
Protestors dissented from this stance however with one mouse piping up during RDM’s underground press conference.
“Heck, we’ve already been living in poverty for the sake of nothing!  At least now, we can honor the people who saved our cruddy town by staying so poor.”
Professor Frankly disagreed with the wishes of the Pianta Syndicate for different reasons.  His main worry is a loss of historical value in the site if its prized artifact, the magical door, were to be removed forever.
“I really think it’d be a shame if our Thousand-Year Door were to be removed so hastily and without consideration of our present people and overall world history.”

General White loses it in cannon test that backfired

General White of Fahr Outpost had been detained for mental illness in recent years, many attributing his erratic actions and obscenities to old age and a shortening fuse.
His eccentricities reached new heights this month when, with his still unwavering personality and charisma, he led an entire squadron of bob-ombs from throughout the Mushroom Kingdom to test the notable Fahr Outpost cannon.
“I didn’t think it was a big deal.  It was fun!” was all White had to say after having tested the cannon improperly and without supervision.  The uncalculated explosions ended up doing extensive damaged to the surrounding village and shot White and some of his fiery supporters into the neighboring Beanbean Kingdom.
Fresh from his crowning, the new King Peasley expressed his frustration with the situation and swiped wildly in the air with is rapier upon the throne, shouting: “If only Luigi had been there to stop them!”

Excess Express takes first extended vacation in history

Always the dependable mode of transportation for rich folks in the eastern Mushroom Kingdom, the Excess Express enjoyed sleek-moving vistas and luxurious leisure for its passengers until just this past week.
After an apparently unknown parasite infestation, the long-time engineer was forced to stop the Excess Express’s operation to figure out what was wrong, a decision that surprised many.
Detective Pennington, a usual aboard the train, provided his own theory for the temporary shutdown: “Shadow creatures?  Ghosts?  No.  The culprit must be…lost punis!  Sneaky buggers!”

It’s Over!

We finally made it to our last issue of the rebirth of Rogueport Direct Mail!
Even though our staff and time were both cut short for other projects, we were happy to do our best with what we had to provide you with the biggest news updates in the port town of Rogueport and the surrounding areas of the Mushroom Kingdom.
As I said, some of our staff are moving house, so perhaps you can expect to see our direct mail initiative visit another bustling center of intelligent life very soon!
Until then, keep reading, loyal viewers!  It was our pleasure having you as subscribers!

Published by the Rogueport Restoration Committee
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