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Cecil versus The Sphere

By ErinPtah
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A riff on Novakova's comment from chapter 4 of Always Fine. (The fic is a series of connected vignettes, so you can read the whole thing or take this chapter as a standalone.)


Cecil is still making some effort to filter his toxic state of mind when he's is on-air. But at this point, it's way too thin to fool anyone. ("I'm going to move soon. This is a choice that I feel good and hopeful about! Never mind that, five minutes ago, I wasn't even pretending to care if I survived the next two minutes, let alone the next two weeks.")

So when the mic shuts off? No more filters. Not even the tiniest effort to pretend he's in a healthy state of mind. He's just gonna grin a Kevin-sized grin and fling it all out there.

And whatever happens, happens!! (ʘ‿ʘ)



(I keep saying this, because it keeps being true: This headspace is not normal. It is not objective. It is not something you have to settle for. You can get help. You can find a way to be okay again. You deserve to be okay again.)




Tumblr: Reblog from here, don't repost.

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Transcript

The Sphere comes
To judge the hip
To devour the unfashionable
And I am not afraid
Because I...
I DON'T CARE
I didn't dress up
I DIDN'T EVEN GET DRESSED
These are the clothes I slept in
It's been days since I showered
EAT ME IF YOU WANT TO
NOBODY'S GOING TO MISS ME
Friends in town haven't helped
Boyfriend hasn't cared enough to visit
Used to feel hurt by that
Now I rarely feel anything at all
SO IT'S FINE
If I survive, I'm moving to be with him
If I don't, I DON'T
IT'S ALL FINE
IT'S ALL JUST FINE

(Okay, I can't eat this guy. Every thought of his is so toxic, it would give me indigestion.)
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Comments7
anonymous's avatar
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kitkatbun's avatar
I understand this feel so much, where you're just kinda numb, and you're laughing but nothing's funny and you're not sure what you feel let alone how you should feel. And idk that you added in your notes that it isn't something you have to settle for is really nice! And just I like how you captured this.
ErinPtah's avatar
Thanks =)  This episode set off a lot of feelings for me.
GuesssWho9's avatar
I guess Kevin-grinning is better than crying?

. . . I rarely feel anything at all. Sounds familiar.
ErinPtah's avatar
Ohhh, no. This kind of grinning is what happens when you go past crying. When there aren't enough tears to express your sadness, so the only way to cope is to shut off your feelings and stop caring about anything.

Yeah, Kevin and Cecil both get lines like that. It's distressing! (And Cecil has loving friends and family who can bring him out of it...but not Kevin.)
GuesssWho9's avatar
Poor Kevin. I hope someone helps him out.
anonymous's avatar
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