"On Shiny Round Things"
That doorknob over there--on my door--sure is shiny. I mean, who ever thought of coloring doorknobs some terribly cheesy shade of "gold"? Does it make me look any richer? I can just hear the guests raving, "Have you seen the doorknobs in this house? I've been permanently blinded!" The thing's bound to get smudged with fingerprints anyway with all the handling it takes. Heck, its shape is pathetic too, what, with its sickeningly circular body that protrudes from another cone-like disc of the same figure. With all this circle business, it's a phenomenon how people can actually grab hold of the knob, let alone turn it! Oh, and don't get me started on those push-button locks. Again with the circles... Why couldn't I have had some triangular purple velvet knob installed? Maybe then even the locks wouldhave to be a little more creative. Though it is a bit clever--the inner design of the lock, I mean. With the first push, the contraption becomes unable to rotate from the other side (as if it could be gripped in the first place). As soon as the knob is twisted from the inside, entrance is once again enabled. Of course, what perpetually circular monstrosity can be fastened to a door without equally monstrous "brass" screws? Ah, but here comes its first inconsistency: the grooves inside the screw are angular! Finally, it is realized that round things don't become grappled as easily. Unfortunately, the grappler is but a tool to attatch a futile piece of junk to a wooden thing.
God, I wonder how these Earthlings can live like this. If only everyone was a Martian!