electricjonny

Yesterday, back in 2016, I had my last drink of alcohol.  That means that today, the 27ᵗʰ of November, I've spent the last two years sober.

When you are a part of Alcoholics Anonymous, you can pick up sobriety coins.  Typically done for each of the first twelve months sober, and after that, once every year.  When you pick up a year (or a multiple year) coin, you usually hear people shout “How did you do it?” and very often, “Why did you do it?”

For me, the How part is pretty straight forward: I didn't drink any alcohol for these last two years.  But the Why part is much more important and significant, for me (and others.)

For most of my life, I've looked for the easiest way out.  The shortest way to do things and get by.  Very often, that was simply by not doing anything and just ignoring it.

I've also been depressed for most of my life.  I've been seeing psychologists since nearly as far back as I can remember.  I've never had much self-confidence or self-worth.  Then I discovered that alcohol took away most of those inhibitions and let me not fear those socially awkward moments.  I didn't have to run from social fear, so I could get behind alcohol for that.  Soon after that, I found that alcohol covered up most other fears.  And feelings.  Alcohol is great at letting you put a time-out on being human, at least for a few hours.

But as you might know, you can't run from the world.  You can't hide behind that false mask of the person you think you are while drinking.  Unfortunately, it's only after I've been sober for this long that I'm realizing this.

The Why part is big.  I could write pages and pages on it.  I could also write pages and pages on why not, but I won't do that now.  Simply put: I'm starting to have a real sense of self-worth.  I'm confidant in some parts of my life.  I've realized that this world is much more dynamic and has many more conclusions than the simple “Good” or “Bad” or other absolutist and extreme ends that my mind tends to think of.  This world is huge.  And I've also learned that we're all just tiny parts of this enormous machine.  No one part is doing it right or wrong.  We're all just here, trying to do our best, to keep this thing called life going.

At times (maybe even most times) I've have a better sense of myself and what I'm doing here.  That feels good.  A deep down good that is more real than any drunk time in my past.  I've had a much more genuine and deep sense of self-worth and appreciation of things.  In short; I often prefer my sober life.  I prefer to live sober and have this life than my lonely life drinking, and can see a lot more potential with this new way of thinking.  Not that's it's been rainbows and butterflies these last two years.  Fuck no it hasn't.  My sober life has been a fuckload harder and more difficult.  I've experienced more hardships and pains that I even thought possible.

One of the greatest things about my life, now, is that I have friends.  I can go to them for help and support and feedback.  And having people in your life is essential.  Maybe you “normies” are going “Well duh, you idiot” at that concept.  Well, this is all new to me.  I guess we'll see how things go from here on out