Kelim and The Necromancer: Finding Finderu
"I'm fine," Quaraun muttered, without looking up to see who was talking to him.
The albino Moon Elf wizard wasn't fine, in fact he was hurting quite a lot, but he'd rather not talk about how he felt just now. The bandit had hit him hard on the jaw, and he'd landed even harder on the stone road. He wasn't sure who had hit him or why. He was a stranger in this town. Had entered the market looking to buy something to eat and had not expected to be randomly mugged. The city guards had seen the whole thing and ran after the attacker. The mugger got away without taking anything.
"I know. Thank you for telling me what I already knew."
"What are you doing?"
"Trying not to pass out."
"No, I mean... what happened? Why you bleeding?"
"Bullies don't care."
"Bullies are cruel."
"You want to explain that better?"
"I'm sick of Elf hating bastards at every turn. Wizard hating wretches are just as bad. It's like this every where I go. Elves and Wizards aren't welcomed anywhere. And I'm both. And I'm fed up with the way people treat me. I can't go any where these days."
"You a Wizard?"
"Yes. And I'm tired of being beaten up for it."
"Someone beat you up?"
"No, I just like randomly laying on the ground with a split lip for no reason."
"You're dressed like one of those rich, upitty aristocrates. Not a good thing to do around here. Lucky they didn't brain ya. Probably thought you were carrying a lot of gold coins."
"I am carrying a lot of gold coins."
"Your kind of stupid aren't you?"
Quaraun looked up at his conversation companion. It was a Goblin.
"Who the hell are you?"
"Just a random stranger."
"Great. Wounderful. Think you could help me up?"
The green skinned Goblin helped the little Elf Wizard stand.
"You got long hair,"
"You keep stating the obvious."
"How do you walk without tripping on your hair?"
"The same way I walk without tripping on my dress."
"Why you wearing a dress?"
"I'm an Elf. This is how we dress."
"Do all Elves have hair like that?"
"No. I don't cut my hair."
"Because I'm a Wizard. I haven't cut my hair in 300 years."
Quaraun looked around the market square. There was no sign of any other Elves or any one that looked remotely like a Wizard either. That was troubling. It usually meant the Guild's agents were in the town. He set out about his business, but the Goblin followed him and continued to pester him.
"Are you a male Elf or a female one?"
"Will you stop annoying me?"
"Do I have to?"
"You kind of stand out. I mean... look at you."
"Have you never seen an Elf before?"
"We don't see many Elves around here."
"I wonder why?"
"You're kind of bitchy aren't you."
"Oh, I don't know. Let me think. I walk into town and get punched in the face. I think I've earned the right to be bitchy, don't you?"
"I didn't hit you."
"No. But it's not the first time it happened. I'm tired of being beaten up by bigots, in every town I go in."
"Who beat you up?"
"I don't know. But when I find out, I'll have their head."
"That's a strong reaction, don't ya think?"
"I've taken heads for less."
"You don't look big enough or strong enough."
"I'm bigger then you."
"Barely. You're a full head shorter then every Human in town. I thought Elves were tall?"
"I'm short. Now go fuck off."
"Why you dressed like a prostitute?"
Quaraun glared at the little Goblin.
"I am not dressed like a prostitute."
"Could'a fooled me."
"Is there some reason why you're yapping at me?"
"Thought you looked like you could use some company."
"Do you want something?"
"No. I just saw a male Elf in a slutty pink dress, laying on the ground with a bloody face. Thought I'd stand here yapping at him. Don't often get a chance to talk to an Elf. They're kind of rare."
"Do you know nothing about Elves?"
"Nope. Like I said, we don't get many Elves around here."
Quaraun brushed himself off, pulled a small silver hand mirror out of his bag of holding and began re-applying his make-up.
"Are you just going to ignore me now?" The Goblin asked.
"I'm an Elf."
"You're not an Elf."
Quaraun put his mirror and make up away and started walking. The Goblin walked along with him.
"You didn't answer me."
"Meaning I don't want to talk to you."
"You're not an Elf."
"I don't talk to non-Elves."
"You had to talk to me to say that line there, you know."
"Why are you following me?"
"Nothing else to do."
"Stop following me."
"Just because we are both going the same way, doesn't mean I'm following you."
Quaraun angrily flung his pink feather boa over his shoulder, turned around and walked in the other direction. The Goblin changed directions as well.
"You're still following me."
"Of course I am."
Quaraun stopped walking.
"I've never seen no one like you before."
"Of course you haven't. There isn't any one else like me."
"You got a name?"
"I seem to recall you not giving me yours."
"Xandri Witsnot the Goblin."
"Do you expect me to tell you my name now?"
"You don't have any manners do you?"
"Not when I'm forced to talk to Gobins, I don't."
"You could at least tell me your name."
Quaraun continued walking.
"Like the Necromancer?"
"Are you... you are wearing pink. Are you the Pink Necromancer?"
"Yes. I am. Now leave me alone."
"You're Quaraun the Insane?"
"I'm not insane. I don't like being called that."
"You're like... a Di'Jinn, aren't you?"
"Yes. I am a Wizard of the Di'Jinn Order."
"So you grant wishes?"
Quaraun stopped walking again.
"You got a wish you want granted?"
"No. Not me. Got a friend who does though."
"Really? Doesn't every body?"
Quaraun looked around hoping for a side treet or a tavern or a dark alley, anything really, just some place he could slink away from this annoying Goblin.
"Yeah, but this one's different."
"They always are."
"No, you don't understand. He's in love."
"Love. Bah. I'm sick of love."
"You? Ain't love your thing? I always heard..."
"My lover is dead. Get on with your story. I haven't got all day, there are heads waiting to be severed and I might add your's to the list of heads I need to cut off today, if you waste too much more of my time."
"Well, it's Kelim see...."
"My friend. He's a Pixie..."
"Pixie? Good god. Faeries. That's the last thing I need."
"And he's gone head over heels for Ofelia."
"No. She's a Flower Fairy."
"Flower Fairy. So he wants to father half-breed mongrels, great."
"You one of those purists?"
"I'm an Elf."
"So Goblins are clearly stupid."
"Uhm... okay... whatever. Anyways. Her father has got her set up to marry this other dude, see?"
"She doesn't want to."
"She wants to marry the Pixie."
"No. She doesn't know he exists. That's the trouble, see? She's in love with this other dude."
"And what do you want me to do?"
"Well, Kelim's shy..."
"Of course he is. Why else would he need a Di'Jinn?"
"But he's also a Pixie and Finderu doesn't like Pixies..."
"Finderu?" Quaraun muttered the name quietly.
The Goblin continued talking about Kelim and the Flower Fairy and the upcoming wedding but Quaraun heard nothing else the Goblin said after the word Finderu. When the Goblin finished, Quaraun addressed him, more calmly and less arrogantly then before.
"What has Finderu to do with any of this?"
"He's Ofelia's father."
"Is he? Fascinating. Finderu has a daughter. I didn't know that."
"You know Finderu?"
"Oh, you could say we're old friends. I some business to attend to with Finderu. I didn't realize he lived around here."
"Are you a Guild member?"
"I'm a Wizard. What do you think?"
"It's illegal to practice Wizardry without being a member of the Guild."
"I know. Finderu loves to remind me."
"Yeah. He made that rule or something. He's always talking about it."
"Finderu. Founder of The Guild. Here. And he doesn't like this Piixie you say?"
"No. Won't let Ofelia near Pixies. He's one of those radicals. Don't believe in interracial marriage."
"Well then, we'll have to fix that. You tell your friend, Kelim, come find me. We'll see if we can't set him up with Finderu's daughter."
"Where would we find you?"
"Well, I was on my way to visit Ghirardelli."
"The Swamp Hag?"
"But she's a Witch."
"I thought Wizards and Witches didn't get along?"
"Oh. No. We don't, but...I... I have business with her.... uhm... her head needs fixing. If Kelim wishes to speak to me, he can find me there. I'll be there a few days."
Kelim Meets Quaraun The Insane
First draft/sample chapter from the soon to be published novel.
NOTE: The scenes and chapters featured here, are from the unedited first drafts, and NOT from the finished published novels. This was done because many readers had asked to see what the first drafts looked like to see how different they were from the finished product. Because these are from the unedited first drafts, they contain spelling and grammar errors, typos, and sections that are still unrevised. These errors are corrected in the final published editions.
More sample chapters can be found here: (note, while these chapters are linked in chronological order, they are not continuing one to the next, they are chapters spanning from Volume 1 all the way to volume 119, of a series that has 130 novels/volumes.)
- Chapter 1: King Gwallmaiic & The Sacred Pink JellyFish (Chapter 1 of the entire series)
- BoomFuzzy's Gingerbread House From Hell
- The Dying Elf, Gibedon's Head, and King Gwallmaiic's Elf Eating Mansion
- Santa Claus: Lich Of The North Pole
- An Elf Gone Mad: The Rise of The Pink Necromancer
- I Loved My Children, But I Loved BoomFuzzy More
- Finding Finderu
- Pocket Lich Unleashed: Quaraun Murders Findaru
- Captured By The Lich Lord
- An Elf and a Lich in the Gingerbread Pit
- The Lich's True Form Revealed
- Bullgaar the Vulgar
- The Enchanted Map
- Waiter, There's a Head In My Soup
- The Orcs and The Necromancer
- The Valley of the Katopas (Part 1)
- The Valley of the Katopas (Part 2)
- The Beginning of the End
- The Witch Massimara Of Mount Yenka
- Psychotic Dead Things
- Six Days Earlier
- There is no Mournful Lamb Inn
- The Swamp of Death
- The Dungeon Master & The 1974 AMC Gremlin
- Introducing GhoulSpawn
- The Demon Cultists & The Coming of The Darkness
- EelKat and The Kats of Planet Ptarmagin
- The Moon Elves of Ivujivik
- The Return of ZooLock The Great
- The Gremlin's Warning
- A Field of Poppies On The Road To Witch Pond
- The Road To Witch Pond (Part 2)
- The Road To Witch Pond (Part 3)
- Santa's Dead Floating Body
- GhoulSpawn and Quaraun Trapped With A Phooka
- The Banshee Sisters: Bean-Nighe and Ben-Neeyah In the Swamp of Death
- A Fourth Letter To Home - The Masochistic Elf With Stockholm Syndrome
- GhoulSpawn and Quaraun Trapped With A Phooka
- The Strange Village or I Love The Smell Of Decomposing Bodies In The Morning
- The Golden Rooster
- Meeting Mallac
- Serial Killer At Large
- The Summoner of Darkness
- Corsets, Elves, and Undead Faeries.
- Visiting The Scene of Murder #1 With An UnGelded Stallion
- I Never Wanted To Be a Wizard
- Sheep Again
- Back At The Tavern and Still No Shrimp
- A Tavern Scene Part 3 - Quaraun, Unicorn, GhoulSpawn, - Time Travel, Chastity Cages, and Whores
- Tumbling Down Stairs With Slutty Elves and Angry Liches
- Where Are You Hiding That Horse?
- The Hostess Twinkie Aisle of Biddeford WalMart
- Quaraun Meets HellBorne The Evil
- The Map of the Town
- Quaraun Meets BatDude & Pigeon Poop Boy
- Pepperell Square, Saco, Maine, In The Year 2525
- No Goldfish, Today?
- Chocolate Covered Elves
- Evil Elves
- How To Kill A Lich
- The Lover's Triangle
- At Gremlin's House / Kill The Baby
- I Am Not GhoulSpawn
- Santa's Letter to Satan
- Going North To Head South
- In Black Tower
- You've Only Known Our World Through The Eyes of a Madman
- "Sold! To Zebulon, for two million dollars."
- The Last of The Moon Elves
- FarDarrig and The Baby That Never Should Have Been