Kelim Meets Quaraun The Insane
"What if she recognizes me as one of the ones who stole a piece of her fence?"
Kelim stopped walking and sat down on the grass. His head was spinning. He felt he was about to faint. The ground was still cold. The snow was mostly melted and flowers peeking up through last fall's dry leaves. Kelim lay on his back in the cool young spring grass and stared up at the tall towering pine trees. A sickly sensation of Vertigo sunk in his stomach as his gaze followed the trees up their 150 feet of height. Little brown birds ran down thick bark, head downwards and peeking under the cracks looking for ants. Kelim wondered how they did not get dizzy or fall off from the blood rushing to their head. He was getting dizzy just thinking about it. Kelim closed his eyes, but that did not make him feel any better so he sat up and looked out across the swamp in stead.
"I gotta do this."
Kelim hated coming out into the swamp alone. The water was black and sickly looking, not the clean, healthy, clear water anyone would want to drink, it stank too.
Ghirardelli wasn't Human. She wasn't a Faerie either. Kelim didn't know what she was. What was a Swamp Hag anyways? A Demon? He didn't know. He didn't really care. He just needed to think about something other than the fact that he felt like vomiting right now. Most of him just wanted to run back to town. Kelim looked out at the swamp again. Some places where the edge water sat still, there was a brown rusty coloured gelatinous foam coating the leaves and sticking to twigs. That icky looking sludge seemed to be the sources of the smell.
Kelim got up and started walking again. He had to hurry if he wanted to talk to the Necromancer and still have time to get back through the woods again before dark. He walked round the edge of the water knowing that the Swamp Hag's house was around here somewhere. The forest was getting deeper and darker. The trees closer together. The deeper Kelim went into the forest the cleaner the swamp looked.
The swamp widened significantly now, the water at its centre more like a shallow pond, but still black from the thick peat floating at its surface. Tall grass and prickly spiky vines grew around the water's edge. Kelim suspected he was coming to the end of the swamp as he could hear the sounds of running water.. up ahead. He had yet to find the Necromancers" home which was travelling him. Did he not live in the swamp after all?
"A woodpecker screamed from a rear by hemlock as if to answer.
"Don’t be silly," Kelim scolded himself. "It’s probably all just a stupid rumour, anyway."
Kelim passed the glade in front of the large thatched roof hovel of Ghirardelli the swamp hag. A tall stockade fence surrounded the entire place. Kelim stood, counting the missing panels that created gaping holes in the ancient wooden fence.
"She's a Witch, and she has a Necromancer staying with her. Why do I let Winsnot talk me into these things?"
Kelim counted the trees to keep himself from feeling like he was stuck in a nightmare. He tried to convince himself that he was just getting worked up over nothing.
In the far corner of the swamp an old hovel was half hidden in the shadows of tall trees lined up behind it. It was the only sign of any life, so he strolled over, trying to look casual. He hesitated a second before knocking on the door, and at the second knock it swung open so suddenly it made him jump back.
A pale skinned Moon Elf with long silken bum length white hair, large brilliant icy pale blue eyes, and dressed head to toe in eye popping bubblegum pink robes, embroidered with huge platinum beads and magenta silk hearts. The Elf's opaline skin stood in pale evening light, shimmering like moonlight on freshly fallen snow. Kelim had heard Rumours that moonlight had this effect on the skin of a Moon Elf, thus their name of Moon Elf, but he'd never before seen it. This eerie prism like glow hovered over the Elf's frosty white flesh, making the Elf look as though it had been carved out of ice. The effect terrified Kelim, who had heard rumours that the High Elves had a deep dislike for every race other than their own. Kelim had never met an Elf before. Common Elves were scary enough, but the High elves were terrifying. Ruthless, brutal, emotionless predators. Kelim knew the stories. Sharp fanged, blood thirsty beasts that had fallen from the sky and were trapped on Earth against their will. No blood relation to the Common Elves. No blood relation to anything Earthly. Aliens from another time, another world, another galaxy. They hated being trapped on this alien planet, they hated all life on Earth. They kept to themselves and shunned all of Earth's inhabitants. The High Elves were rare and rarely seen. So rare that rumours claimed them mere figments of the imaginations. And yet, Here was a High Elf. One of those rare alien vampires, standing face to face with Kelim.
Kelim stared at the Necromancer, uncertain what to say. The Moon Elf was looking at him with an expressionless face. Kelim had not expected the pale Elf to answer the door. He was taken by surprise at this. This was the Swamp Hag's house after all. Why would a stranger answer her door? And while this was clearly an Elf, he was uncertain if it was the Wizard or not.
The pink-clad Elf didn’t say anything, and Kelim wasn't sure who he was addressing. He had come here looking for an evil male Necromancer and was staring into the cold dead eyes of a female prostitute instead.
"Uhm... my name is Kelim?" It came out as a question, more than a statement.
The thin albino Moon Elf just stared down at him and said nothing, which was making Kelim nervous.
"I'm a Toadstool Pixie."
"I can see that."
The Elf sounded bored.
Kelim was taken back slightly by the Elf's voice. It was the deep voice of a male, but he could have sworn the Elf standing before him was a female. It looked like a woman. Dressed like a woman. The tightly corseted pink dress, with long flowing furisode sleeves. The Elf's eyes were kholed with black, lips painted blood red, and fingertips glistening with pink jewel encrusted gold claw tips. Sparkling pink and green watermelon faceted gemstones glittered from the many rings pierced through the Elf's foot long pointed ears. A couple more jewelled rings were pierced through the side of his nose and glistening silver chains draped from the rings in his nose to the rings in his ears. Many dainty charms of silver, decorated with more tourmalines, hung from the chains connecting his nose rings to his ear rings. His long silken white hair hung down to below his waist. If Kelim had meet this pink gowned, bejewelled Elf on the streets he would have sworn she, er, he, was a prostitute.
"Uhm...I...I'm looking for the wizard called Quaraun."
"Well, you've found him."
"Are you Quaraun?"
"I am he," said the Moon Elf, as he stretched one arm out straight and leaned on the door frame, indicating he was unconcerned by either who or what Kelim was, and barring the entrance to him home at the same time. He slowly began drumming his long thin fingers on the door. Kelim couldn't help but notice the Necromancer had multiple large sparkling diamond and sapphire rings on every single finger.
"I'm sorry...you look...uhm...I thought you was a... Are you a man?"
"I'm an Elf."
"Are you a male Elf?"
"If you mean, was I born with a cock and balls between my legs, yes.”
“You look like a...”
“How I choose to dress, whether it matches the gender I was born as or not quite frankly doesn't concern you, now does it?"
Kelim looked down at his feet and began twiddling his thumbs. Talking to strangers made him nervous.
People with any authority made him nervous.
Wizards made him nervous.
Elves made him nervous.
Effeminate men in pink sequined dresses with lots of feminine jewellery made him nervous.
Quaraun the Insane was all of the above. Quaraun was making Kelim more nervous than he'd ever been before.
He couldn't think when he was nervous. Kelim didn't know what to say next. He really hadn't thought this part through. It had taken all the courage he could muster just to walk out into the enchanted forest in the first place. He'd almost turned back several times while going through the frozen swamp. And now here he was at the front door of a strange looking transvestite Necromancer Elf who was in all likelihood, far more dangerous than Finderu the Masked. Kelim felt faint.
"What do you want?" the Moon Elf demanded, sounding a more than little hostile.
Kelim looked up at the tall cross-dressed Elf. Quaraun wasn't tall. In fact, he was short. But Kelim was shorter and Quaraun seemed taller than he was, by the way he carried himself. Quaraun lowered his eyebrows, into a guarded expression which said to Kelim "You better have had a damned good reason for disturbing me. I mean business." The Elf was clearly was growing impatient, and his icy blue eyes were cold and staring and served as a sufficient warning to scare Kelim into losing whatever courage he had mustered up on his way getting here. Kelim was suddenly struck by how much taller than himself the Necromancer was, and how very short he suddenly felt standing in front of Quaraun. Kelim felt as though he was closing up like a telescope growing smaller and smaller the more the Necromancer stared at him.
"You're uhm... I... uhm ... I ... you're uhm..."
"Spit it out, I haven't got all day."
"You're... you're... what are you?"
"Which what am I are you referring to? My being an Elf? Or my being a transvestite?"
"Either one, I don't like you talking about."
"You don't get many words out do you?"
"Uhm... I... no..."
"Xandit Winsnot the Goblin sent you didn't he?"
"Uhm, yeah, kind of..."
"Kind of? Either he did, or he didn't."
"You are Kelim?"
"You're in love with Finderu's daughter."
"Yeah... uhm... sort of..."
"Don't waste my time, Boy, what do you want from me?"
"Well... I... uhm... I... well...I... I thought... you know... that... uhm... maybe... people are saying you... I was just thinking... you know..."
"Spit it out, Boy, I haven't got all day. I am rather busy and I do hate being bothered, especially by Faeries. Faeries are so annoying. I can't stand them, they're nothing but trouble, every last one of them."
The Necromancer sounding increasingly annoyed which frightened Kelim even farther.
"People around the village are saying you grant wishes and stuff for people who desperately need your help," Kelim said, now speaking as fast as an auctioneer, "I guess I just came to find out if it was true."
"Grant wishes? What am I, a Leprechaun? I don't grant wishes."
"They say you lived with the Di'Jinn and you got powers like a...like...a..."
"I am a Wizard of the Di'Jinn Order. We are the masters of magic. The most power Wizards in the world. None compare to us, not in power or skill. That we are capable of making the impossible possible is not wish granting, it's us doing our jobs. You want to call it granted wishes, so be it. What is you damned wish?"
"I... uhm... how many wishes do... uhm... we... I... get?"
"How many wishes?"
"You certainly have trouble talking don't you?"
"Can I have three wishes?"
"What do you think I am? A genie in a bottle?"
"You can have a many wishes as you can afford. But I'm not cheap. Not many people can afford me."
"I have to pay you?"
"What? Do you think I just hand out magic potions for free?"
"I... uhm... I never thought about it."
"No one ever does. Everyone expects us Wizards to be making spell and crafting magic items. No one ever wants to pay us for the work now do they. And people wonder why my head collection gets added to so often."
"You buy my services and then decide you don't want to ay me, I'll take your head instead. You'll never cheat another wizard again, that's for sure."
"Do you cast love spells?"
"I cast all spells. Anything you want, I can do. I didn't earn the title of being the worlds most powerful wizard for nothing, you know."
"But you specialize in Di'Jinn magic?"
"Isn't that wish granting?"
"Well, what is Di'Jinn magic then?"
"For your information, I make bottles for putting things in. You got an enemy you don't want around anymore, I got a bottle you can put them in. Keep them in your pocket and they'll never bother you again, and you'll always know where they are. Anything you want to keep safe and out of your hair, I can make a bottle for you to put it in. If you have a dragon bothering your village and you are too kind-hearted to kill it and want to relocate, I can make you a dragon bottle..."
Quaraun pulled a small bottle from the beaded heart shaped bag that hung from his belt. Quaraun held the small heart-shaped glass vial filled with shimmering green goo up into the light.
"I like dragons," the pink Necromancer continued. "They make good pets and even better weapons. I've had this one for decades. I got her from Fire Mountain. She's a DracoLich now. I turned her into a Lich before putting her in the bottle. She does all my killing for me so I don't have to. Keeps her well fed and I don't have to worry about what to do with the bodies. Dragons, Liches, Demons, Genies...anything you have, you want put in a bottle, I can make you the bottle for holding it. That's what I do, Pixie."
Quaraun put the small glass bottle of shimmering green goo back in his bag.
"Of course it's not limited to bottles. I make boxes and bags as well."
He pulled a small vial that resembled a perfume bottle filled with icy blue liquid, from his pink bag.
"I can even take an entire village, houses, people, trees and all and lock it away in a bottle. Let time forget about them. Like they never existed. Wiped off the face of the earth forever. Until such a time as I decide to let them go free."
Quaraun put the small glass bottle of icy blue liquid back in his pink sequined heart shaped bag of holding.
"That is my speciality. But I'm a Mage as well. I study all classes of wizardry, witchcraft, sorcery, and hoodoo. I don't think, there's anything I can't do. At least there's nothing I have tried yet, that I ever failed at."
"You do sorcery?"
"So's Necromancy and I'm a Necromancer."
"You're The Pink Necromancer."
"You're not a Guild member are you?"
"No. I'm not."
"Finderu will be furious."
"Leader of the Guild. He's already furious. Price on my head gets higher every day."
"You're wanted by the Guild?"
"I'm the Guild's number one most wanted criminal."
"You sound proud of that."
"I am. While they've hunted and murdered every last Sorcerer and Necromancer on the planet, I continually elude them and now I hunt them."
"The Swamp Hag is one of the Guild's board members."
"Then what are you doing here visiting her?"
"Expanding my head collection."
"And you say you desperately need my help?" The deathly pale Elf titled his head and raised an eyebrow. "I am somewhat surprised at the thought of a Pixie seeking help from an Elf. Last I knew, Pixies didn't like Elves and wanted us all dead. And Pixies aren't known for needing help from anyone. Their Fairy Glamour tends to serve all their needs.""
"Well, yes." Kelim hunched his shoulders and ducked his head down in a stance that said 'Don't hit me.' "I...uhm...I...I don't do magic. It's...it's not...not a skill I have...it's..."
"Talking doesn't seem to be a skill you have either."
"Well, yeah...that's...that's...that's kind a...kind of the problem, why...why I'm here...I..."
The Moon Elf stood back from the door a bit and gestured his jewelled hand for Kelim to step inside. Kelim hesitated a moment, but then decided it was now or never, and stepped into the mossy snow covered hovel.
"I have work to do. I kind of need to do it. I'll do it while you talk. Considering how long it takes you, if I wait for you to finish a sentence, I'll never get anything done. Go sit down over there and see if you can tell me what you want in less than an hour."
The inside was neat and smelled of fresh pine, green herbs, lavender, and cedar wood chips, it didn’t look worn down and neglected like the outside and the rest of the area. He took a closer look at his host, and noticed that even though he had pure white hair, his skin wasn’t wrinkled, almost like he was hanging in between young and old and Kelim the Toadstool Pixie couldn’t decide which he was.
"Where's uh...what's her name...the old swamp hag that lives here?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Never can remember how to say her name."
"She's temporally incapacitated at the moment."
"I suppose decapitated is a better word. You'll have to do with talking to me. How may I help you?"
"Where's the... uh... uhm... the.."
"Do you talk like this with everyone?"
Quaraun pulled a gold throne from his bag and flung himself onto it's fuchsia velvet pillows.
"The Goblin was right, you really do have issues talking. You'll never get a woman if you can't get to the end of a sentence."
"Where's the Witch?"
"Ghirardelli?" Quaraun looked around the room as though looking for something, then looked back to Kelim. "Oh, I left her laying around here somewhere."
"Can I talk to her?"
"I thought you wanted to talk to me?"
"Mean. And. Scary."
"I'm scary? Hahaha! Oh. That's hilarious."
Quaraun stopped laughing and became serious again.
"You could try talking to her. Won't do much good. She won't answer you. You'll definitely need a Necromancer to help you communicate with her. I suppose it's a good thing I'm here then."
Quaraun, pulled a small red bottle from his pocket and held it up to the light, peering inside.
"What do you want?"
"Well, I kind of need a wish granted, sort of..."
"A wish? Are we back on the topic of wishes again?"
"From Ghirardelli? Or me?"
"Well...you...people around town talk, you know and they say...they say...well...you're like...like the most powerful wizard on the planet....and....and I have pr...problems and people told me...I...I...I should...I should come to you while you was here, because you travel and..."
"So, you’ve come to make a wish? Throw a penny in the wishing well? Maybe you should be wishing for the ability to speak." Quaraun chuckled at his joke. "A moment ago you desperately needed my help, now you seek to make a wish. Make up your mind, Boy. Wish or help, what do you want?"
"Well...uhm...how are they different?"
Quaraun's pale blue eyes widened, then narrowed as he scrutinized the young Pixie.
"You don't see them as being different?"
"Well, no! Should I?"
Quaraun walked slowly around the Pixie, examining his shimmering green and gold butterfly wings. Quaraun did not like Fae. Good Fae. Bad Fae. Light Fae. Dark Fae. Water Fae. Mountain Fae. Trooping Fae. Solitaries. It didn't matter to him, the size or type, he didn't like them. Any of them. At all. He pondered the possibility of explaining to a Fae the difference between a wish and being in actual need of help, but concluded that he had yet to meet a Fae capable of logical thought or reasoning, and so trying to be either logic or reasoning with one, was absolutely pointless.
"No. I suppose not. Fae have no logic or common sense in them at all. Ants have more intelligence. So you desperately need my help with a wish then?"
"But I just... said... well... yeah...uhm...yes?"
"Alright. What is it then, this wish that you so desperately need my help with?"
"Well, you see, there's this...this...uhm...well... there's a...uhm...a....in the village...she...uhm..."
Kelim blushed and stared at the wooden floorboards.
Quaraun shook his head. "It's always a girl. It's beyond me what you see in females. Nothing good about any of them, far as I've ever been able to tell. All they are good for is making babies and I can't see that that's very useful."
"Pixies," Quaraun muttered to himself, as he made his way across the room to a shelf with more small glass bottles on it. "I hate Faeries. Pixies no better than any other Fae..."
"Are you talking to yourself?"
"Oh course I'm talking to myself, I'm insane, remember? And there's no one else with a brain around here for me to talk to, now is there?"
"That's exactly my point."
"You're mean, aren't you?"
"I'm an Elf."
"You don't have to be mean."
"I'm the Grand High Emperor of The Triple Planets, I can be whatever the Hell, I want."
"Have you ever even talked to an Elf before?"
"No. We don't see many Elves around here."
"I've noticed that. Is it any wonder why, with Finderu around here?"
"I don't like Finderu, do you?"
"Good, then we're on the same page. Now what do you want from me?"
"Can you cast a love spell on Ofelia?"
"Cast a love spell? You don't know anything about magic do you?"
"Wha...what do you mean?"
"Magic is great and dandy for what it does, but magic has its limits. Things it can't do."
"So you can't cast a love spell?"
"That's not what I said. I'm a Wizard of the Di'jinn Order, I can cast any spell. I'm just not sure if you know what you want."
"I want a love spell."
"Do you even know what a love spell does?"
"It makes someone fall in love with you."
Quaraun shook his head.
"Why must I work with idiots and fools?"
"I'm not an idiot..."
"Well then, you must be a fool."
"I'm a Pixie..."
"And I'm an Elf."
"So you're the idiot who came to me for help, because you couldn't find anyone else with enough brain to help you."
"You know I'm right."
"Bit of advice, Boy, don't argue with an Elf, especially not one who is also a Di'Jinn. You're lucky I don't cut off your head and stuff you in a bottle."
"Why would you do that?"
"Because I'm a Di'Jinn, it's what I do."
"Putting heads in bottles?"
"No," Quaraun pulled a severed head out of the pink heart-shaped bag of holding hanging from his belt. "I keep the heads in my pocket. I keep the headless bodies in a bottle. Keeps them from getting back up and walking around. They need their heads to be resurrected, but not their bodies. A talking head can't go nowhere without its body. They are stuck here with me for eternity. Each has their own bottle. This one is Ghirardelli's."
"You're holding a head."
"Of course I am. I'm a Necromancer. Did you forget that?"
"You're... you're..." Kelim stared bug eyed at Ghirardelli's head.
"Yes. I am. I didn't used to be. Pity. That what love does to you, you know? Did you know I'm the victim of a love spell? I'm very good at love spells. I cast one on myself and my lover, centuries ago, but he died and now I'm insane, and cut off heads. Still think you want a love spell cast on you?"
Quaraun stared at the head, holding it face to face with himself.
"What's love have to do with... with... that."
Kelim pointed to the head.
"She hated BoomFuzzy."
"She helped Finderu found The Guild."
"I don't understand."
"I don't expect you would. You're neither Elf, nor Wizard."
"Did you kill her?"
"I'll kill you too, if you don't stop arguing with me."
Quaraun put the head back in his pocket.
"Why did you do that?"
"I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact of my being insane."
"You really are insane, aren't you?"
"No. Actually I'm not. And they don't call me insane because I collect heads because most people don't know I do that. They call me insane because of the way I dress. Now do you want your love potion or not?"
Kelim blushed again.
"Shy one, aren't we?"
"Always bargain during the harvest season. It's the wrong time of year for love spells."
"What?" Kelim felt confused, as though he's missed something.
"Tis planting season, not harvest season and you are bargaining for a great cause..."
"A great cause?" Kelim didn't understand. The Moon Elf seemed to be speaking only half of what he was thinking. Either that or he was insane and not capable of thinking too clearly. Kelim didn't think he had ever met an insane person before so he wasn't sure what to expect from this man who was rumoured to be insane.
"Love is a great cause. Perhaps the only cause truly worth fighting for," Quaraun stopped what he was doing and turned to the Pixie. "Would YOU fight for love?"
"Uhm is not an answer. You hesitate at too many things, Boy."
The Elf snapped his perfectly manicured fingers in Kelim's face.
"It's a simple answer, Boy, yes or no. There's nothing to think about, no ahhs, errs, or uhmms, it should be just automatic: yes or no."
"I'm just a boy, you know!" Kelim pouted. "I don't know all the right answers yet, I'm not some ancient wise old Wizard who's spent a lifetime studying brick a brack tomes."
"You think I'm old?"
The Necromancer stopped what he was doing, stepped back and stared dumbfounded at the Pixie. His voice sounded wounded, and Kelim instantly regretted his sudden outburst. He had not intended to hurt the Elf's feelings. And clearly this was highly narcissistic, egotistical Elf suffering from some seriously vanity and pride issues. It occurred to Kelim that calling the Elf old, could ruin his chances of getting any help from the Elf.
"I... I'm...I'm sorry, that didn't come out right. I wasn't thinking, I..."
"You seem to do a lot of that."
Quaraun turned back to a shelf full of strange looking curio objects. Jars of bird's feet and lizards tongue and such other things.
"Lack of thinking is a serious flaw on your part. Of course you're a Faerie, so what else is there to expect? It's why you're here is it not? Hasty thinking, don't know what else to do, ain't got enough sense to jerk yourself off, cum on your feet. Oh noooo. Got a little cunt ya want to be fucking. Can't find a way to fuck her, so let's run to the local Wizard whom we think is more powerful than the Wizard whose daughter I want to fuck."
"I didn't say I wanted to..."
Quaraun turned and stared at the young Pixie. He didn't need to say a word, Kelim could see from the look on his face, that Quaraun was accusing him of lying. Kelim hung his head and looked at the large wooden table.
The Moon Elf strode across the room and flung himself into a large throne like chair. He sat there staring at the Pixie waiting for him to say something. Seeing that Kelim wasn't going to speak, the Necromancer wet back to talking.
"Of course that says something about Finderu, doesn't it? Big bad powerful Wizard, and he can't handle his own daughter. That's what comes of fucking girls. You end up with a pregnant bitch and babies to raise. You lose your focus. Finderu was never a contender for World's Most Powerful wizard now was he? And he can't stand it. So what does he do? Organized a group of bloodthirsty militant Wizards to band together and kill off every last Wizard who is not a member of their group. Then they take over the government. Crown themselves law of the land and forbid all types of magic they are too incompetent to practice themselves. Kill off anyone who can practice the advances arts. That's what the Guild is, Kelim. That's the kind of Wizard Finderu is. And me, being the most powerful Wizard of them all, he's got more prizes on my head than any other Wizard. Have you seen the wanted posters lately? I doubt he even as half the money he says my head is worth. And you come along, want to stick your prick in his bitch’s cunt, and who do you go to for help? The person Finderu hates most of all. Me."
Quaraun held up a wanted poster with his face on it.
"You know these pictures don't do me justice. I should do a sit down with their artist. Pose for my wanted poster. Now I ask you, does this even look anything like me?"
Kelim looked at the wanted poster.
WANTED: QUARAUN THE INSANE: Wanted for Necromancy, Demonology, Sorcery, Black Magic, murder, rape, buggery, sodomy, cross-dressing, bathing more than twice a year...
There were more things on the list, but Quaraun rolled up the poster and stuffed it back in his bag, before Kelim had time to read the rest.
"I am the most beautiful Elf the world has ever seen. Look at me! That artist, clearly never saw me. How does Finderu ever expect to capture me if he can't even find an artist that can capture my beauty?"
"You're very vain, aren't you?"
“You would be too, if you were as beautiful as me."
"Ofelia is as beautiful as you."
"No one is as beautiful as me."
Kelim slowly lifted his eyes to meet those of the Necromancer. Quaraun was sitting very stiff, leaning forward with his thin elbows on the arms of the chair and his long bony fingers crossed in front of him. Kelim thought the Elf looked very smug and regal, almost kingly, well queenly, the guy was wearing a pink dress after all. Kind of hard to take a fearsome Elf like Quaraun totally seriously when he was sitting there sparkling from head to toe in pink sequins. But still, his cold eyes were formidable and warned that this was not an Elf to be reckoned with.
"I love her. To me that makes her more beautiful than anyone."
"Well, you know what they say. Love is blind."
"Are you going to make a love spell for me or not?"
"You do understand, Boy, that these things always come with a cost. Don't you?"
"How much do you want?"
"I'm a Necromancer. Only thing I ever want is souls. Souls and heads. Heads and souls. They are very valuable. And hard to come by. You pay with your soul or you pay with your head. Either or both, I don't care which."
The Moon Elf laughed wickedly, "I'm supposedly insane, what did you expect?"
"How much does a love spell cost?"
"I already told you."
"No, you didn't. I need to know how much to pay you."
"I’m not talking about money, Boy. I have plenty of money. Here!" Quaraun reached into his bag and pulled out a handful of gold coins and tossed them across the room in Kelim's direction. "Take some coins. Buy yourself a mansion. Let Ofelia marry you for money."
Kelim stared at the gold coins, now scattered across the floor.
"I can't take your gold."
"Why not? I don't need it and I've plenty more where that came from."
"Where'd you get it?"
"I killed a dragon. I have a dragon's hoard. I own a volcano filled to overflowing with jewels and gold."
Quaraun slid off the huge pink cushioned gold throne and glided back to where Kelim stood. Kelim leaned over cock-eyed trying to see if the Elf's feet were touching the ground or not. He seemed to be floating several inches off the ground, but Kelim couldn't tell as the pink silks were fluttering on the ground and the Elf's feet could not be seen.
"Take the gold, Kelim. Buy the whore. Better than a love spell."
"But I want her to love me."
"And you think a love spell will do that?"
"I love her..."
"Do you even know what love is?"
"Of course I do!"
"Love is a deep and important thing. It lasts forever. I loved once. I still love. But my lover is dead. But love, true love is forever. It never dies. Souls can reach across time and space and touch each other, long after death. He is long dead, but I can still feel soul. Forever's a long time, Boy. If you truly love her, you'll still love her, when she's dead and gone, and you won't replace her with another, because love doesn't do that. Only lust replaces a lover because lust isn't love. Love is loyal. Love is devoted. Love is faithful. Love is forever. Do you love her or do you lust after her?”
“I love her.”
“And yet you don't know her.”
“You never meet her, even.”
“How can you love someone you never meet? Never talked to. Don't even know. That is not love. That is lust. You lust for a pretty thing. You want to stick your cock in her and once you've done that, your burning passion for her will die and you'll find another. Love doesn't do that.”
“I love her.”
“Are you sure? Do you wish for love or do you just wish to be fucked? If you want to fuck someone, go fuck a whore. There are plenty of them in this godforsaken town. They'll take your money and show you a good time. Get your itch off your chest and out of your pants and let you think more clearly when your saluting cock ain't leading the way."
"I'm not...I don't..."
"Not what? Not low enough to fuck a whore? Don't need to fuck a whore? What are you? A eunuch? I know you're not a eunuch. You know how I know you're not a eunuch? Because I am a eunuch. I have mastered the art of ignoring any need or desire for any man or woman of any kind. That's why I'm a powerful wizard. My mind isn't clogged up with petty, useless desires for sex. The only thing that leads a man to a woman, is his dick. Not his head and certainly not his heart.”
“My... my... I... ain't...”
“Your dick ain't leading the way? Ha! Do you have any idea how many horny men come to me, thinking they want love, begging for love, pleading for love, when all they really wanted was to shove their dick up her skirts? Once they are done fucking her, they'll dump her and leave her, ain't got no more use for her once they've emptied their aching balls into her. That's all they really wanted. They didn't care about love or commitment or forever. They couldn't tell the difference between love and lust. Why don't you cut off your balls and see if you still want her then. A love spell lasts forever, Boy. Be sure you ain't just lusting after the pretty little bitch, because you'll live to regret it if you didn't really love her and you went and cast a love spell to bind your soul to her."
"Too much for you to wrap your mind around, Boy? You know what? I don't think you know what you want. I think you should go home, stuff your hand down your pants, relieve the tension you're feeling and see if that helps you to think more clearly tomorrow. See if you still love her, once you discover you don't need her to make your little baby factory work, you can do that all on your own, seeing how you are too good for the likes of a lowly whore."
"Do you go to whor..."
Quaraun glared at Kelim and the Pixie shut his mouth.
"Do you know what a eunuch is? I don't have sex anyone. I repress all desires. I'm a Wizard of the Di'Jinn Order, you might do well to learn what that means. You want a Di'Jinn Wizard casting a love spell on you? Ha! I don't think you even know what a Di'Jinn is. What we do. Our spells aren't cheap."
"I said I'd pay..."
"I said I'm not talking about money, Boy. Every action has a reaction. Every spell has consequences. Magic's not a game. Not a toy. And neither is love. The price is very high, and you'll get EXACTLY what you wished for, whether what you wished for is what you wanted or not."
"I want her to love me."
"Love you? Heh. Yeah. I can make her love you. Just make sure that's how you word it when you drink the potion. One word out of place.... I won't be responsible for what happens. And you'll sign a contract to make sure of that. A Cupid Spell is what you are asking for. I'm not sure it's what you actually want, but I'll make it. It'll take time. You come back to me, next week. I'll have your spell. And the contract for your soul. She'll love you forever, whether you love her back or not, and I know love, Boy, and I know, you don't love her, but you're just like the rest. You won't listen to reason. You'll have to learn the hard way, the nature of love. And how long forever really is. But it's your life and you can do what you want with it. Who am I to stop you? You go home. And if next week, you still want the spell, I'll be here with it."
Kelim and The Necromancer: Finding Finderu
First draft/sample chapter from the soon to be published novel.
NOTE: The scenes and chapters featured here, are from the unedited first drafts, and NOT from the finished published novels. This was done because many readers had asked to see what the first drafts looked like to see how different they were from the finished product. Because these are from the unedited first drafts, they contain spelling and grammar errors, typos, and sections that are still unrevised. These errors are corrected in the final published editions.
More sample chapters can be found here: (note, while these chapters are linked in chronological order, they are not continuing one to the next, they are chapters spanning from Volume 1 all the way to volume 119, of a series that has 130 novels/volumes.)
- Chapter 1: King Gwallmaiic & The Sacred Pink JellyFish (Chapter 1 of the entire series)
- BoomFuzzy's Gingerbread House From Hell
- The Dying Elf, Gibedon's Head, and King Gwallmaiic's Elf Eating Mansion
- Santa Claus: Lich Of The North Pole
- An Elf Gone Mad: The Rise of The Pink Necromancer
- I Loved My Children, But I Loved BoomFuzzy More
- Finding Finderu
- Kelim Meets Quaraun The Insane
- Pocket Lich Unleashed: Quaraun Murders Findaru
- Captured By The Lich Lord
- An Elf and a Lich in the Gingerbread Pit
- The Lich's True Form Revealed
- Bullgaar the Vulgar
- The Enchanted Map
- Waiter, There's a Head In My Soup
- The Orcs and The Necromancer
- The Valley of the Katopas (Part 1)
- The Valley of the Katopas (Part 2)
- The Beginning of the End
- The Witch Massimara Of Mount Yenka
- Psychotic Dead Things
- Six Days Earlier
- There is no Mournful Lamb Inn
- The Swamp of Death
- The Dungeon Master & The 1974 AMC Gremlin
- Introducing GhoulSpawn
- The Demon Cultists & The Coming of The Darkness
- EelKat and The Kats of Planet Ptarmagin
- The Moon Elves of Ivujivik
- The Return of ZooLock The Great
- The Gremlin's Warning
- A Field of Poppies On The Road To Witch Pond
- The Road To Witch Pond (Part 2)
- The Road To Witch Pond (Part 3)
- Santa's Dead Floating Body
- GhoulSpawn and Quaraun Trapped With A Phooka
- The Banshee Sisters: Bean-Nighe and Ben-Neeyah In the Swamp of Death
- A Fourth Letter To Home - The Masochistic Elf With Stockholm Syndrome
- GhoulSpawn and Quaraun Trapped With A Phooka
- The Strange Village or I Love The Smell Of Decomposing Bodies In The Morning
- The Golden Rooster
- Meeting Mallac
- Serial Killer At Large
- The Summoner of Darkness
- Corsets, Elves, and Undead Faeries.
- Visiting The Scene of Murder #1 With An UnGelded Stallion
- I Never Wanted To Be a Wizard
- Sheep Again
- Back At The Tavern and Still No Shrimp
- A Tavern Scene Part 3 - Quaraun, Unicorn, GhoulSpawn, - Time Travel, Chastity Cages, and Whores
- Tumbling Down Stairs With Slutty Elves and Angry Liches
- Where Are You Hiding That Horse?
- The Hostess Twinkie Aisle of Biddeford WalMart
- Quaraun Meets HellBorne The Evil
- The Map of the Town
- Quaraun Meets BatDude & Pigeon Poop Boy
- Pepperell Square, Saco, Maine, In The Year 2525
- No Goldfish, Today?
- Chocolate Covered Elves
- Evil Elves
- How To Kill A Lich
- The Lover's Triangle
- At Gremlin's House / Kill The Baby
- I Am Not GhoulSpawn
- Santa's Letter to Satan
- Going North To Head South
- In Black Tower
- You've Only Known Our World Through The Eyes of a Madman
- "Sold! To Zebulon, for two million dollars."
- The Last of The Moon Elves
- FarDarrig and The Baby That Never Should Have Been