I haven't been uploading stuff for a few reasons: being on Tumblr too much, and because I've been feeling crappy lately. And, strangely enough, the two are related...
Tumblr is a depressing place. In my opinion, at least.
For one thing, all the feminist posts, etc get very tiresome, even the ones I agree with (because I just see them so often it drains me lol).
For another thing, I don't think I fit in at Tumblr. I don't really want to fit in (because I don't really like people there) but I still feel alienated, y'know?
Third of all, I see some amazing art on there, which makes my art look like shit (as if I didn't dislike my art enough) in comparison. I see better stuff on Tumblr then on deviantART which is so weird, because dA is actually meant
Fourth, Tumblr is so fucking addicting! And it's not fair because it makes me less progressive in life, and the content probably isn't very worth my time. The thing is, with Tumblr you pretty much have to be online 24/7 because of the way it works. For Tumblr users here, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't use Tumblr, well, too bad I'm not explaining. Too tired.
...So that's why Tumblr is related to me feeling like crap. Yay.
But, I guess it's not really Tumblr's fault? Well, I'm not blaming it in the first place because that would be so hypocritical lol. Anyway, I feel like my... "sour-mood-ness" is getting worse for some reason. I've been trying too hard to separate myself form others, I suppose. It's quite sad.
I blame my past, though. I've learned a lot of things about society the hard way, and I'm not about to let them take advantage of me again. Like they say, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice..." you know the rest. I know you're supposed to forget the past, but I just explained that I've learned things from it that I'm not about to forget. So...bleh.
Actually, I lied, I do forget the things I've learned, and it never comes out good. "Forget about your past," they say. Bah.
Whatever. I have no friends, so I think this is just a journal to myself. Sorry for feels, but...wait, ok, why am I apologizing?? Wait a god damn second, do you realize? I can't talk about this shit to literally anyone. Not a single person. For most people, it's the same reason why I can't talk to them about it, but for others it's just a different reason, but either way I still can't. Sigh.
I know I sound like a drama queen, but not only can I not talk about my problems, I can't even talk about the things that make me happy to other people because they don't understand those particular things. And I'm not desperate for friends, either, I'm desperate for people who are worth my time! Call me picky, but if I'm not picky I become sad or angry!!!
And the worst part of all of this, is that I'm just a teenage girl living in the suburbs who doesn't have any real problems. I don't get abused. I don't struggle with grades. I don't physically harm myself, and I'm not suicidal. I haven't been diagnosed with depression or even anxiety. And, even if I was, it doesn't matter because I don't have it as bad as most people I know! If I was happier I could help those people instead of complaining about my nonexistent problems! So why aren't I happy??
I can't even think of someone who doesn't have it worse than me. And even some of them can still be productive and optimistic. And part of the reason I'm saddened is because I worry so much about my friends, but I can't help them very much because I don't know jack shit about what they're suffering through.
And, sometimes, I even wonder if they don't like me enough to accept my affection. That sentence made it sound like it's their fault, bit that's not what I mean. Like, just because I consider someone my "friend" or even my "best friend" it doesn't mean they feel the same about me. In fact, chances are they don't. Because I am extremely flawed. In every way. Just try me. Just say, "No you're not flawed in this one thing—" and I will interrupt you with, "Nope. I'm bad at that too. Here's proof. *shows proof*"
...do you see how long this is? It's because I've been holding that back. All of it. Fuck. And I still can only type this stuff, I can't say it out loud, because I suck at talking. Whatever. I'll probably regret it all tomorrow as usual.
And, honestly, truly, I would love if people read this whole thing. And cared. Because I'm an attention whore. There, I fucking admitted it. Supposedly, it's not bad for humans to want attention like this, but I get negative consequences from doing this, so...proved that wrong. I guess. I don't know, I'm tired, ok? This is literally my only way to vent, so bear the fuck with me, please.
Ok, I think I, done. Bye. Oh yeah, have a good day, too. Hopefully better than mine.