Seme handbook / Uke survival guide

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:iconukeboxplz:Uke Survival 101

1. Everybody in the entire world has gay inclinations. Have a high school crush of the same gender? Go ahead and confess! If he doesn't feel the same way about you already, the depth of your feelings will soon sway him.

2. No matter how much your seme down talks, punches, verbally abuses, physically abuses, or rapes you, never doubt his feelings for you for an instant. That cast on your leg is just how he shows you that he loves you.

3. Doctors always do perverted things to their patients. I don't trust mine anymore! >o<

4. All co-workers are gay for you. The one being friendly? Definitely. The one ignoring you? Uh-huh. The one who glares at you nonstop? Probably out to kidnap and/or rape you. The workplace is a sexually charged environment.

5. High schools are dangerous, dangerous places for a growing uke, too. Everyone's gay for you. Students, teachers, school doctors... only the old cleaning lady might be straight. Might. But, then again, "she" could actually be a "man" with a clever disguise on trying to gain your trust.

6.Don't trust guys in uniforms--whether they're high school, military, or police. Uniforms are a threat to your chastity, young uke.

7. No matter how many bad experiences you will go through, you will continue to be just as naive as you were on your first day out of your mother's uterus.

8. Do not, I repeat: do NOT, pick up any strays. You think you're being a Good Samaritan, but they'll refuse to move out, then you're stuck with an extra mouth to feed, and they probably (see: definitely) have a bad yakuza past behind them that you'll be dragged into as a hostage. And, oh, you'll probably end up discovering that you're gay.

9. Your first love LASTS FOREVER. Doesn't matter if it was ten years ago or when you were still in the womb--chances are that if you just an't forget this guy, who probably protected you from bullies and scary dogs, he's your one and only.

10. If you're an uke, you're destined to blush. A lot. Doesn't matter how old you are, doesn't matter how COLD you are--if your seme says anything remotely romantic, if your seme looks at you, if your seme thinks about you, you're gonna have a full-body blush.

11. All American males--straight, gay, or otherwise--will, undoubtedly, greet each other with a big, passionate smooch on the mouth. It's just friendly!

12. During a spontaneous bout of woohoo, you will always be naked (socks are optional depending on your seme's mood/fetishes), and semes are almost always fully clothed.

13. It is impossible to "switch it up". Once and uke, always an uke. Forget ever topping. Semes may love their ukes a lot, but not enough to bottom. Ever.

14. Ukes are world champions on getting teary-eyed (this, of course, to emphasize a quintessential uke trait: vulnerability)

15. Sorry, young uke, but your semes cure to just about everything is rape sex. Poor uke has the sniffles? Sex! The uke has a broken leg? Sex! The uke got raped by the seme's conniving archrival? SEX! If one could package this treatment and sell it as a cure-all, that person would be a millionaire.

16. 90% of the male population from ages 10-40 is gay. The remaining 10% still has yet to come out.

17. Unfortunately, rape or any form of sexual assault is a typical back-story for any uke. Ouch.

18. Your seme knows what's best for you no matter what. He won't let you go out and meet a fellow male friend? Good, he was probably going to try something funny with you anyway. He kidnapped you? It's for your own protection. He's a sociopath serial killer? It's to rid the world of crazy loons who may hurt you in the future. He raped you? IT'S LOVE. No questions asked.

19. No matter how hard you try, if you're an uke you will most likely end up as a 1950s housewife. But your seme depends on you. He may never admit it, but it secretly makes him very happy to see his toilets shining from all of your cute hard work. Good job.

20. No matter how careful your seme is, if he's a dangerous guy/has any enemies at all, chances are that you will be kidnapped and held hostage. And, while that happens, your captors will want to have some "fun with you" due to your cute looks. Alas, there is no way to prepare for such an attack, young uke, but don't be alarmed: Your seme will always save you before your kidnappers can rape you.

21. If your seme has a rival, he will fall in love with you. Try to act shocked when you discover this.

:iconsemeboxplz:Seme Handbook

1. Semes don't eat cake.

2. Rape = Love
The more you love your uke, the more right you have to rape him.

3. If you can't make your uke come just by licking his ass, you suck in bed.

4. The number of dildoes that any average seme owns (for his uke)
would put any sex shop to shame.

5. Semes will hardly ever have sex completely naked.
That's an uke thing.

6. The car you own is a BMW, Mercedes, Porsche, or any other extra expensive make.
Also, a seme's car will defy the laws of physics by being larger inside than on the outside to allow for comfortable uke-smexing.

7. Regardless of what kind of seme you are, you love to talk dirty during sex.

8. The cure for rape = More rape
If another seme kissed, touched, or looked at your uke, get rid of his mark by replacing it with your own.

9. You can forgive your uke for anything.
It will either lead to sex (of the make-up variety) or more sex (as punishment).
Either way, you win.

10. No matter how much your uke struggles, you can always tie your uke in a compromising position in five seconds flat.
If this was a contest, you'd win first place hands down (or tied).

11. It doesn't matter if your uke is as dumb as a doorknob and irritating as hell, you still love him because…you're a seme and that's what semes do.

12. Smexing your uke with his glasses on is the ultimate goal.
If the uke takes off his glasses before/while you smex him, you have failed.

13. You can't afford to smex your uke with your glasses on because if that happens, you can't be sure if the uke loves you or the glasses.

14. Ukes ooze pheromones.
Chances are you can't sense them; equip all possible aggressors among your underlings with gas masks just in case.

15. Semes hardly ever sweat during sex.
Ukes, on the other hand, produce copious amounts of fluids of varying origins.

16. Never let your uke do any work!
It's the uke's job to lie on the bed, it's YOUR job to make him feel good all night.
(If your uke hasn't come at least five times, you're doing it wrong.)

17. Everybody is out to rape your uke.
You've got to protect his chastity by guarding him day and night!

18. SAS = Semes Always Swallow.
Spitting out semen is for wusses.

19. You don't have to think too hard for the perfect birthday present for your uke - just do him eight times in a row.
On the other hand, the only acceptable present for you is your uke wearing an apron and nothing else.

20. Selective hearing is a necessary trait in a seme.
When your uke says, "no", what you hear is, "Please ignore my tears, resisting, and all that jazz because, really, I want you to continue."

21. It's perfectly normal to be able to pin a uke to the wall using only one hand to grip his wrists.

22. After sex, you always wear the pajama pants.
Your uke will wear the shirt, lest he wishes to tempt you again with his perky pink nipples.

23. Want to know the meaning behind your uke's words? Use your handy uke-tionary.
No, I don't want this = Fuck me
Stop it! = Fuck me
I need to sleep = Fuck me
What's for dinner = Fuck me

24. Ropes materialize out of thin air.
Don't worry about stashing ropes or ties around the house - if you've got your uke under you, you can just pull a rope from sub-space to tie him up.

25. A seme must have different colored hair to his uke.

26. A seme always needs to have some rope with them.

Since this journal has been rising in popularity over the years, a lovely deviant, Madmenmen, was so kind to credit me by blogging this into french- so sent your love if you are a french blogger/fallower! :heart:…


I've gotten several rant comments over the years, and I feel like I need to put this here or I'm just going to be prompted to take this whole thing down. I DO NOT CONDONE ANY FORM OF ABUSE!!!! (mental, physical, emotional, or sexual) I also do not condone others for doing that, if you are a seme or uke or even a seke in the real world, this isn't how it works, always respect and love your partner or the one you're crushing on. No bathroom attacks! Bad! -slaps your nose with a rolled up newspaper- this compilation of anime and manga rules I have collected across the far reaches of the internet is to poke at the nose-bleed moments in the yaoi/yuri community. They aren't realistic rules. It is for the silly amusement of anime logic, read this before sending me a comment on how horrible this is- cause it's a damn joke. Instead of ranting at me or other people, try spreading random and loving compliments to make someone smile cause you don't know what people are going through and that one smile you give can keep them from losing hope. And if you actually care about preventing real abuse, do something about it. Support a hotline, go to rallies, go to make a difference in any way you can. People who control their partners such as making them cut off contact with friends and family, and actually don't take no for an answer for sexual activity, make their partner feel worthless, or even injure them, or feel entitled to do what they want to someone else, that is not real love. That is abuse and every one wither it is m/f m/m f/f or any other pairing, so keep a look out for those things. And as for the compliment stuff. Here, I'll give you one, yes YOU!

You're a beautiful person and I'm so happy you chose to look at something I worked on- I hope you always find a reason to smile. Now go hug a kitten! Sit on a blanket, go to your girlfriend/boyfriend and kiss them on the cheek cause they're just so sweet, and for dog's sake, go ask your crush on a date- something casual like playing video games together with popcorn and hot coco! The worst they can do is say no. DO IT!!! :stare:

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