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The Call of Cthulhu - Pages 72 - 73

By DrFaustusAU
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H.P. Lovecraft's The Call of Cthulhu (for beginning readers).

Last: [link]

Previous: [link]

(This is the updated version of pages 48 & 49 here: [link] )
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© 2012 - 2020 DrFaustusAU
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anonymous's avatar
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Kyonarai's avatar
KyonaraiHobbyist Traditional Artist
I love this. Planning on buying a copy for the kids.
seadog-driftwood's avatar
The last two lines, I think, need a little bit of polishing: "I now beg you" seems weak, and the "with" in the last line just doesn't fit grammatically.

Here's an idea I had. I'm not completely comfortable with the start of the last line, especially the semantically loaded word "heaven", but the penultimate line feels better.

"All these terrible truths, I beseech you: don't share,
for these horrors from heaven, our psyches can't bear."
MysticDarkBlueMelody's avatar
The rhythm on the last line is bugging me...it seems like it should be "cannot" instead of "can't" due to syllables, but you probably had your reasons for writing it the way you did.

Keep up the great work! :)
DrFaustusAU's avatar
DrFaustusAU Traditional Artist
Hmm...

Are you reading "psyches" as one, or two syllables?
MysticDarkBlueMelody's avatar
Oh. One. Oops, that's it. XD

You definitely have a good sense of rhythm and word. Props to you for putting this much work out there, and not only completed, but improved upon as well! Can't wait to see more of The Tomb. :D
DrFaustusAU's avatar
DrFaustusAU Traditional Artist
Thanks for enjoying it!
Dvaing's avatar
Addendum:

"and with all my papers, please exercise great care." Personally seems better.
Dvaing's avatar
I feel like this phrase, just like one earlier, catches the rhythm off guard.

"I've discovered too much of what man should not know, and the cultists are out there somewhere spreading woe."

If it were changed to something along the lines of "and the cultists are out there, somewhere spreading the woe." It would keep the beat/sentence very firm, especially for reading aloud. Not sure what your opinion is.

Cheers,
anonymous's avatar
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