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To help with my ping issue?

Ughping by Dreamsverse

That's my ping test, and yes, it's stupidly accurate.  Like, I can access webpages and watch youtube just fine.  It's when I try to play online or even call someone (Though it's normally only my younger brothers who are in the same freaking house, but it happens even when I talk with people farther away) that I lag all over the place and cause lag for my brothers or we blip out when trying to talk to each other.  
(Also as you can see, it spikes in regular intervals.)

All the solutions I could find online where to try plugging my computer to the router, but I can't.  My computer is stuck on the this desk and the router is a good 10 feet away.  (Yeah, the router is down here with me.  I'm literally the closest to the stupid thing :I)  I know that we kinda really need to call Xfinity (our ISP or whatever they are called) and get a replacement.  I tried unplugging my wireless USB connector thing (it's Netgear A1600).

Like, I want to stream again.  But I'm sure I wouldn't be able to :U  I want to be able to play games online with my younger brothers again (like even just minecraft on openlan, so it's just within the network but nope.  I can't even do that OTL)

This has been happening for the last half year or so.  And the shitty part is, my brothers can play just fine with each other (one of them on the other desktop and the other on a laptop, but needing wireless.  Everything is wireless.)  It's so freaking... frustrating, and my dad can't seem to figure it out either.  So I'm going to turn to you guys and see if you guys know anything.

(Though I really wish my parents would finally call to get the router switched out.  It's pretty old now from what we gathered from talking to an Xfinity person in Walmart or whatever :U)

Also I'm sorry.  I'm not the most tech-savy so... Yeah 8,I;
I saw this and wanted to give it a go /o/  Because why not?  It's Pride Month :U  rainbow heart {big} 

1. what’s your gender?
- Genderfluid.  Yep

2. what are your pronouns?
- She/her works.  It's what I used all my life, and honestly, I don't want my gender and my pronouns to be a pain in the ass.  I'm cool with she/her even when I'm more male or both or neither.  It just keeps things simple.  And I like simple in this aspect |D;

3. is your family accepting?
- Yeah.  It doesn't change anything about me or how I interact with them.  I also don't try to put any pressure on them about my gender or sexuality either (see above.)

4. what do you wish you could tell your past self?
- Uh...  "It's okay that sometimes.. you wish you had a dick.  And that sometimes, you wish you had a flatter chest.  And that it's okay to feel the complete opposite later.  And it's okay that you feel unattatched to any feminine or masculine thing and that it really doesn't matter that much.  Just do what you like and enjoy what you like and live on."  Or something like that.  It wasn't a huge issue for me... I never suffered gender dysphoria really or anything.  I was more like "Yep.. I'm still me either way.  Cool."

5. what is your sexuality?
- Bisexual/ Pan-curious.  Like, I do have preferences :U  And I do like my guys but damnnn there are some ladies I'm like <333  Yes please.  But I do know I lean a bit towards the masculine peeps, but seriously, some feminine peeps are just When the Deviation/Art/Upload is Just Right (icon) 

6. favorite color?
- Blue blue heart bullet Bullet Blue Blue Marble Pastel Blue Star Bullet Paw Bullet Light Blue (Outline) - F2U! Pixel: Blue Stary :bluewhitefire:   :droplet:  Though, honestly, I love a lot of colors.  So  anwhatevers.

7. sun gay or moon gay?
- Uhhhhhhhh I don't get this reference >3>;;  But I love the moon so, that?

8. when did you find out your sexuality?
- Oh uh.  Hmm.  When I was... 15?  I think that's when I understood it the best?  Like I dunno.  Around that time.

9. how was your day?
- Busy.  I dunno why or how I'm still awake but here I am, being a night owl when I should be sleeping and getting back some sleep energy I've been needing for a while.  We were out pretty much most of the day before supper.  Busy busy busy. (Then I watched Annahilation and it's a pretty good movie.  Disturbing and a bit spooky and gorey but I liked it.  And here I am now, being stupidly tired and not going to bed like I could be.  I make good choices.)

10. do you have any gay friends?
- Uh.  8I  I dunno?  Does my sister count?  She's gay and possibly engaged?  That situation is weird though and not my place to figure out.  But I don't really seek people out for their sexuality >3>;  That'd be weird.  And I don't think them being gay, straight, a, or anything else should determine if I'd be friends with them or would affect our possible relationship or anything :U

11. what’s your favorite hobby?
- Drawing, writing, sleeping - dreaming, making up more stories and characters, video games, watching movies, listening to music, pretending I don't exist, reading, eating... >3>  All good stuff.

12. who’s the best gay icon in your opinion?
- Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hmm.  I know two peeps I really like their arts and such that I look up to for inspiration.  beedalee-art and dyemelikeasunset.  (Not gonna tag them, that'd be weird.)  I love their art and such ♥  And I think their relationship is amazing and beautiful.  But My looking up to them because of their sexualities or anything?  Nah.  :U  Idk why I would do that >#>;;;;

13. which pride flags do you like the most design/color wise?
-  Uhhhhh, I dunno man.  There's a lot of them.

14. are you openly out?
- Yeah?  But again, I don't go and shout it to everyone?  Like if they ask, then sure, I'll answer.
15. are you comfortable with yourself?
-  Yeah :U

16. bottom or top?
- No idea.  I've never gotten that far with any relationships.  I /think/ I'd be a bottom?  And maybe try top?  Idk man 8I  Don't ask difficult questions.

17. femme or butch?
- Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I'm probably more feminine most of the time (Or no.  Most of the time I'm probably neither or both but next would probably be feminine).  But I do have my more masculine times and such.  You know.  That genderfluid thing is a thing.

18. do you bind?
- Bras count?  But I don't do it with the intention of what binding is.  I just gotta contain the lumps 8I.. sometimes. >#>??  (Though TMI moment:  I have gotten more comfortable bras in the last month or so, so I've been wearing bras a lot more often.  Before that, I really would just rather not.  Sometimes I still would just rather be braless |D)

19. do you shave?
- Kinda?  I don't like shaving.  I wax instead.  Waxing is longer lasting.  I DO shave my armpits when it gets annoying.  I Have waxed my legs, and my lower legs don't really grow much darker hair anymore.  I never want to shave or wax my knees.  I think my knee tufts are cute 8I;;;  I do need to wax the back of my thighs again though >3>;;  I don't wax or shave the nethers |D  Fuck that shit.  I DO wax my shoulders.  My shoulders are like... 8I  wild.  It made me really self-conscious.  I also am super self-conscious of my mustache area OTL.  And I have neckbeard that I wax and try to get rid of OTL.  I'm a hairy person -lays down-.  (I also do nothing to my eyebrows :U  I don't get the "omg your eyebrows are on fleek stuff."  Like what?  >3>;  They be eyebrows man.

20. if you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be?
- Pfff Uh.  Man, I'm just not going to answer this.  (hint: almost all my monster babs I keep making up.)

21. do you have a partner (s)?
- Nah.  

22. describe your partner (s)?

(Get it?  There's nothing there because I'm not with anyone)

23. have you ever dated anyone of the same sex?
- Yep.

24. anyone of another sex?
- Yeppers

25. pastel gay or goth gay?
- >3>  Why are these gay again?  Anyways, I like both pastel and goth stuffs soooo ye?

26. favorite dad in dream daddies?
- Never played /o/

27. tell me a random fact about yourself?
- I hiccup randomly.  Sometimes it sounds fucking adorable and I wish I had a mic on me when it randomly happens.  Othertimes, it's like I'm some demonic dinosaur back to devour everything.  (Also it's almost always loud.  Sometimes it's quite >3>; )  My hiccups tend to happen if I laugh too much (wow.  But these aren't normal hiccups so shush) or if I talk too much.  (or if I just happen to breathe a little bit weird for just a little while |D )

28. do you own any pride flags/merch?
- Nah?  I'd rather get other stuff.  

29. have you ever been to a pride parade?
- Nah :U  1.) I don't think I'm anywhere near them and 2.) too many people man.  -slinks around in the shadows of her room-

30. any advice to someone who isn’t out or who are exploring themselves?
- 1.) don't let people mediate how you should be.  If you are (for example) a Transman, and still really love feminine stuff, go and be happy.
2.)  Just... enjoy what you love and be what you want.  Again, don't let people mediate what is and isn't you.  If you identify as something, and other people are saying that's not how that identity should be like/act like, fuck them.  
Don't gate keep and don't let others gate keep.  It's fucking stupid.
Alrighty, so I've been trying to convert to Sai2 (since my pieces sometimes end up to be way too big for Sai to handle.)  Everything was going pretty good, still trying to get used to the differences between Sai and Sai2 but there's one thing that I just can't get used to.  

Whenever I move my tablet pen/mouse around the canvas, there's a slight lag that happens and it makes doing anything on there almost impossible.  This doesn't happen on Sai.  I tried downloading the latest version of Sai2 and everything but it still persists and it's not from memory or CPU usage.  

So, so any Sai2 users out there, do you guys know how to fix it?

(I made a video showing what I mean.  I recommend a higher quality to see it better.  I also had slowed down the speed in the second half since it's easier to see then.)

So, I've been trying to make nice examples for a commission sheet and I realized I've a lot of different ways of how I like to draw chibis... So I was wondering...  Why not ask you guys for characters for me to test out which style(s) I'd wanna offer to you guys to give me some of your character for me to chibi-fy /o/

If you're okay with that that is.
(Essentially they be chibi requests open for me to try different chibi styles on).

  • I want to say one (character) per person, and only your original characters (no canon characters or fancharacters).  Mainly because I want to submit everything that I do just here.
  • Also nothing NSFW
  • And it can be anything: anthro, feral, human, something else.  I'll do my best /o/
And I might pick and choose (depending on how many I get and such).
But yeah, I think it'd be really helpful \o/

(BUT YEAH, Link me to the character you want me to draw /o/ )

I got a lot of characters so /o/  Thank you~!

EDIT: >3>;;  Maybe I should have mentioned that you'd need to be a watcher or something >3>;;;  Like... that'd be nice.

I just wanted to let you guys know that I've only 3 chibis left out of the 8 I decided to do.  /o/ So I should be done either tonight or tomorrow uwub
As in artwise.  I've been pretty curious about this, because I'd love to see what you guys think?  And what these people do and make and such /o/
[ Me ] Hey, Listen!  Ko.... Fi? by DreamsverseHeya guys~!  If you didn't know, I have a Ko-fi page /o/
I have also set up requests/donation requests there for Pokemans ♥  It's been a while since I drew some Pokemon and I thought it'd be cool that if you wanted, you could send in a donation with a Pokemon name for me to draw \o/
(You can also donate for how I execute the drawing /o/  Two ( 2 ) Coffees for a chibi of the Pokemon or Three ( 3 ) for a drawing of the Pokemon in my normal style/non chibied \o/)  Otherwise if you donate a coffee then I'll get to decide how I want to draw the Pokemon.  You can also send in saying "shiny" or send in a Pokemon I've already drawn. (Also please only give me one Pokemon name at a time.  This is also not for fancharacters/designs either.)

Here's an Example of what a 3 coffee donation gets \o/ (And another example ♥  Thank you for donating super much ; 3 ; <33333 )
[ KoFi ] Munna by FandomKisses [ KoFi ] Flabebe by FandomKisses

Of course, since these are just requests, you can also comment here, or there with a Pokemon you'd like me to draw.  (Donation ones will take Priority, just to let you know ; w ;`)

But I figured it'd give me a valid excuse to get to draw some Pokemon babs and help in the money department.

If you look on there, I HAVE set up a Goal for my Dentist Appointment at the end of the month.  That'd like... help and such if you donated |D;;  If not then it's ok.
You guys just be cool /o/

Gotta Draw them All~!

:star: NEW! :star: 
Hello guys~!
I wanted to add in another fun thing that I've been contemplating on doing through my Ko•fi!
On Toyhouse, there was a thread I had enjoyed joining in.  It was a "Create a Character" thread.  The person above you would comment with a sentence or two (maybe an image or something to help be inspired from) and then you would draw them a character.  Pretty simple~! (That and I really like making characters >u>;b )

I want to follow those same rules, and make you guys characters~!
Just to clarify the rules though:
  • No closed species or not universal species ( Universal species are like dragons, goblins, etc.)  I will not draw/design anything from "open species" creators on dA/FA/etc.  Mainly because 1.) it's not a species I can interpret and work with how I see fit and 2.) I'm getting a donation for it so essentially your paying me and I don't have that permission from these creators to do.  However, you can feel free converting it into a species (with permission from the original creators' of the species or whatever rules they have already).
  • One a few descriptors.  No more than 2 sentences, and an image (of something to draw inspiration from).  You can make your description as little as "angel, punk, hot pink."  Or even just let me go wild with a single word theme!
  • This is NOT somewhere where you describe your own character for me to draw.  Sorry.
  • You get to keep these characters!  However, you may not resell them for more than what you donated for, and you may not use them commercially without contacting me first.
  • PLEASE leave me a way to contact you (for example, you say your username and what site you are on.)  
That's pretty much it on the rules!
These will be colored sketches~!  For example, here's all the ones I made from that toyhouse thread: Click here for the Stash Link (There ARe some WIP shots in there as well oops...>3>; )

!~These are for 3 Ko•fi donations~!
I know, I was surprised myself, but I believe I finished my TOS.  (It might be needing adjustments but I'll have to figure that out as I go.)


Please read the TOS.  It answers a lot.
Template Provided at the End of my TOS!

I'm only going to take like... one kind of commissions at the moment.  Mainly because I have no idea what you guys would like to commission from me?
And I know... like... half a year ago, people expressed interest in...
[ Me ] Holographic Dreaming by Dreamsverse [ Em ] Holographic Autumn by Dreamsverse
[ Youtubers ] Holographic Pinkstache by FandomKisses [ Youtubers ] Holographic Loud Green by FandomKisses

THESE HOLOGRAPHIC-Y Headshot "icons"

These will be 10$
You'll get a big size 1000x1000pixel, and a smaller size if you want to use them as an icon or something.  I don't recommend taking them any lower than 100x100pixel, however, if you're wanting to use it for a 50x50pixel icon, I'll do my best to try to make it work.  (If I can't get it to work well, I'll let you know.)
(If you want a size in between the 1000x1000pixel and the 100x100pixel, just let me know.  No problem /o/)

If you are wanting to add in an accessory (like in  [ Youtubers ] Holographic Loud Green by FandomKisses with Jack's little sepctic eye Sam) it will be an extra +3$

ALSO, the cool thing about these are....

You can get them animated too!  (For an extra +7$ /o/)
These will be, no bigger than 400x400pixel and no smaller than 100x100pixel.  (You will get both of these sizes.  If you want a size in between as well, just let me know.  No problem again/o/)
For example: 


Please note me if you're interested.
Also, it'd be a good idea if you have a color tone/range/warm or cool idea for your character to mention them.

EDIT://  I know all of my examples are of humans, but I can do anthros and ferals and whatever else there is too.

If you want other kinds of commission types, please feel free to grab a sample out of my gallery (from any of my accounts) and link it here saying you'd want to see it as an option.  (You may feel free to inquire about other kinds of commissions now if you'd like. )
I just wanted to give you guys a reminder that I have other accounts on here.

:iconfandomkisses: is my fanworks account and my main RP like groups account~!

:icongoomama: is my adoptables account~!

:iconitwoi: is my stocks and other people can use stuff account~!  It has a lot of free to use (for noncommercial use) things right now, which are great for sprucing up your pages~!
- plays Link opening a chest sound-clip-

It's Moe's Toyhouse Page~!
I've worked really hard on this (at least on and off >3>  Because... you know... life and other things needing to be drawn)

Please look at it QAQ

Also if you want the code I made on your characters' profiles, I've no problem in sharing it, as long as you leave my credits at the bottom of it.
In fact, Here's my code  I ask you don't overly edit it?  And, again, don't remove my credits on it.

(The only thing I didn't get done with it was getting all her pictures logged onto it)
SHhhhh, I know I should have put this in the last journal but I didn't know what to put then yet.
And I know I'm early.  So Then I could add more later, yes.

New Years Resolutions/Hopes and Dreams for what I hope to achieve in 2018

  • Get to 200lbs  (or at least meet the 70lbs loss goal [since I upped it from 50 to 70 in my last journal] before June/July.  I'm at 40ish+ right now.)
  • Do the simple things consistently:  Shower Daily, Brush Teeth Twice a day (or at least daily), make my bed, clean room weekly ( dusting, vacuuming, and picking up. ), keep things organized. [I have... a hard time getting myself to do these things.  Sometimes I just don't see the point; other times I just feel too bleh to.]
  • Draw Daily (even if it's only for a few minutes.  Just a little bit at least everyday.)
  • Get back to tracking my food intake/calorie counting
  • Stop hurting, as in, my legs.  Right now my knee is in pain.  and my other foot has been in pain for the last 2 months and makes going on my walks hard :C  Stupid heel and stuff -sobs-
  • Read more books 
  • ACTUALLY, WRITE MORE TO MY STORIES (instead of just making more -sobs-)
  • Get a job (even though I'd rather not |D;;; )
  • Finish TOS and start taking commissions (good luck to me in actually getting any /o/  But doesn't mean I shouldn't try)
  • Do a comic (and not just Freak's Journal... which I've only one of those done right now shh.  Even if the comic is just a short story, I'd be happy with that).
  • Learn how to Gamemaker Studio
  • Try to finish big projects/illustrations
  • Finish at least 10 character pages (I'm almost done with Moe's /o/)
  • Try to reply back to everything,  (unless the comment/thread/conversation is at a logically end.)
  • Help out with family/around the house more (because I can always do more 8,I)
  • Try to talk to more people, at least especially people I know.  Possibly.  This is one I'm not going to force myself for.
  • Get Em to come visit -sobs-
  • Continue to avoid Drama problems.  I don't need that shit.  Unless it's like... story... or rp or something.  That's cool.

I'll add more if I think of any more/when I get back because I have to petsit job thing do >3>;

It's never too early!  -divas-

No, but really, I wanted to do a reflection right now.  I was doing a walk right now, which I did a mile and a lap (while listening to a few of my favorite upbeat/happy songs) in 30 minutes or so; it gave me a bit of time to just think while being vibed with goodness.  

I thought a lot about how my year had gone and why certain things didn't/won't really change and what is changing (and if it was for the better or for the worse.)

The first thing, that probably would work best for an art site, is about my art and writing and where I want to go with it.  My dream has never changed.  I still want to make stories, draw art and write these stories, and share them.  However, this past year has been a slow one, though I am grateful I'm getting a bit better doing anything compared to 2016.  I'm out of college, having graduated a year ago.  So having this year without the stress of classes probably helped me a lot in actually being mostly active. I've also figured out a style that I'm pretty dang happy with:  from the lineart to how I structure faces to how I color (though I felt pretty happy with how I colored for a little bit.  Just refining here and there.).  I've also figured out a way to be happy with drawing on paper again.  (I do promise to make a sketch dump of what I did get done in my sketchbook at some point.) I still don't draw a LOT in my sketchbook, but I'm comfortable in sketching in it now.  ♥  Still, there's no way I'm getting anywhere done with my ever lasting dream with how slowly I've been going.  For a while, I was really beating myself up over it.  I've come to the conclusion that I just need to be more chill with myself on how much I do and such.  I sketch a lot, (unless I'm really into a game then... oops.), it just doesn't tend to get shown as much because I really just want to show my finished works.  Which is why I've dedicated my twitter to posting WIPS or sketches sometimes.  It's something that I can do pretty quickly on there, compared to tumblr which I feel like I need to keep organized with tags and such.  (My <a wytiwyg="1"">tumblr (which you can find the link to my art tumblr on this page) has become more like another dA, where I only want to post my more finished work and such.  Which is fine. I don't mind.)

I've also realized there's no way for me to actually live off of my work right now.  I'm too immature in that aspect.  I've not been writing like I should be.  I'm not getting comics planned out.  Nothing.  Though, again, I'm being a bit more chill with myself because I know I'll get there.  I've already started to make a step towards that direction of sharing my stories and such.  I've recently acquired Gamemaker Studio 2 and I know I have one for sure story idea I want to execute through it.  I'm going to first make a dummy game (featuring my Hubbleton characters) just to use it as a "I'm learning and want to apply what I learn through experience of creation" kind of thing.  So I'll hopefully get that done in the next few months.  It depends.

And by, it depends, is how my living situation or such goes.  Right now, my dad's deployed (though we will get to see him soon, so that'll be cool~!).  I've been stepping in to help Mum.  Family is big for me right now.  I've not a lot of people I'm really super comfortable with here to do things with or anything outside of family.  (And no offense to anyone that I know who lives around me or that I've met in college and such.  I'll touch on my thoughts on this more later on.)  I also really want to be in my little brothers' lives.  I'm not super close with any of my sisters.  Both of my sisters have moved out already, but even before that, I wasn't really close to them.  In some cases, it was a bit stressful in a not great way.  A lot of this year has been just helping with family and doing a lot of things with them, honestly.  They've been super supportive of me and what I do.  They even have kinda adjusted their eating with me as I try to lose weight.  (Which, I've lost about 40 pounds or so.  My goal by next June/July was 50 pounds, but I think I'm going to just up it to 70 pounds.  I think I can make it >3>;  )  I really owe a lot to them and I've focused a lot of my time trying to help them out when I can.

As I was walking, I was thinking on my relationships.  I have my relationship with my family, which is pretty strong to the point I'm really comfortable with myself around them.  Then my other really solid relationship is with my bestie, Eessosis (which is why I talk about her the most.)  I feel, for the most part, really comfortable with her, though I'm hoping I'm still really comfortable around her in person still.  I don't normally get to see friends again after moving.  It'll be weird.  (Such was my life as a military brat.)  

I realized that I really don't connect with other people and I realized a few months ago that it's stressful.  But I came to understand that I'm actually pretty fucking scared to really connect with anyone anymore.  I've been hurt and hurt people.  I had taken a giant break from people, and now I've gotten to the point where it's really hard for me to open up.  Like I want to, and I really try to.  This journal's a perfect example of me trying to open up to you guys.  But I think these kind of things are pretty easy for me to write because it's just me opening up to a space.  I know I don't have a lot of active supporters/commentors.  So the fear of this actually sparking a conversation/socialization session is pretty little.  Not a lot of people tend to come to me to talk.  (Which used to bother me, but I've come to find it to be pretty relaxing.... not that I don't want people to try?)  When people DO try to initiate a conversation with me, I freeze up.  It's like I can never figure out what to say.  Even on just "That's really cute!" or whatever comments on my images causes me to freeze up still.  It's pretty embaressing.  I've gotten pretty chill for the most part, and in some cases, a bit more confident.  And I'm forever sorry for being a piece of shit and not replying back sooner or being able to hold a conversation.  I WANT to. I genuinely do.  It's just something I need to work on.  Or I need to sit down and tell myself that I don't want to connect with anyone really (which sounds bad, but really it isn't.  My "wanting" to form connections of something pretty solid so I can feel really relaxed and comfortable around the other person has me looking at most comments as "this has a 50% chance of spawning into a conversation that might cause a connection" instead of just "hey that's really nice."  It makes me feel rude to not try to hold a conversation... when I'm sure more people are probably just wanting to say what they thought of a picture or whatever.  I end up really beating myself up, because this want I half personify on the other person.  Which is bad.  And shameful.)

What's worse is that I DO have some connections/socializing I try to do with my lovely pathfinder group (whom you should go love.  these guys are the best: 113420 , rakadishu , Myan149 .  Go give them love.  They deserve it.)  For example, I really like these guys.  They are super kind to me.  They are patient and pretty chill with me.  But I feel stupidly guilty because I feel like such a problem.  And I know they tell me I'm not, and I DO believe them now.  It just can't shake the feeling yet.  I've not played a game with them in months, and I know its my fault.  When I'm busy, they aren't and when they're busy I'm not sometimes and it's just a butt :U  But there's also the other side of it where I know it's okay, because we can play again at some point.  (Unless they don't want to anymore because it's been so long, then that's completely fine.  I understand that.)  We can be patient and until we can all play together sometime and such.  I'm pretty sure they are cool with that.  It's mainly just a war within myself that I have to keep reminding the negative nancy side of myself to chill out.  (SERIOUSLY though, you guys are great.  And I'm sorry that I don't talk much.  I've still the problem with convesations and such yeah OTL....)

And I've got a connection that I desperately cling to with Yufika and GrazArts . These two peoples are the best, go toss love at them too.  And I love them alot. But I still struggle to get myself to actually talk.  (Like I have a letter thing going on with Yufi and I see the PM.  I know it's there.  And everytime I see it it makes me stupidly happy.  But then I'm like...   "Ahhhhh---- -freezes- Idk what to say."  I SWEAR I WILL REPLY TO IT AS SOON AS I DON'T FREEZE UP LIKE A DINGUS  And I've not spoke with Graz in a while.  And I had asked for a haitus on our RP like... a year or two ago that I still want to get back to at some point but I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to.  Because, holy shit, that's a long time to wait for an RP reply.  - lazes-  (Seriously, I'm sorry to you two a lot QAQ ;;  You guys are great.  Just being cool. Yes.)
And like.. there's other connections I'd like to hopefully build/rebuild and such.  Butjust... uhhhhhhh

I know, with these cool peoples, all I really need to do is sit down and just... chitty chat with them.  I just wish I didn't freeze up and then end up feeling super tired trying to talk.  They are cool, and I wanna talk with them.  Work with me, me >:C
A lot of this is just my own problems.  Like, it's really not anyone's problem but mine.  I'm just glad that I can work on pinpointing on my problems a bit more.  I feel like I've gotten a bit better at it.  There's times where I can sit down and just reply to comments.  Or even better, when I can comment on other people's stuff pretty easily.  So I give that as a mini triumph.  I just hope it grows.  And I just ask for patience with talking with me. I'm trying to get back to most everything eventually and not just... delete a comment or anything.  I'm getting there.

Emotionally and mentally I've been doing a LOT better.  I'm eating better (kinda herp herp), and the excercising has been great for my inner being a lot.  I feel more.. Up than I do Down. (Or at least neutral-up.)  [ In case you didn't know, I've developed a personal scale to measure how I'm feeling.  Up-Up, Up, Neutral-Up/Up-Neutral, Neutral, Down-neutral/Neutral-down, Down, Down-Down.  It helps me a lot, especially on Down days.  I can just take a breath and just tell myself "It's just a Down day."  Up= Positive/feelings/etc. moods and Down = Negative moods/feelings/etc.  I've figured a healthy range for normality is Up to Down-Neutral.  Down days are ok only once in a while.  Too many of those are bad and I have to figure out a way to fix whatever is causing consistent negativity.  Down-Down days are like... full blown depression.  I DON'T want those, no more no thanks.  Up-Up days are dangerous.  They tend to happen when I'm really tired or emotionally unstable.  ]   Anyways, I'm feeling better with myself.  I'm smiling more.  I'm more willing to do things.  Which is helping everything above.  I still struggle to get myself to ensure that I'm in a better state though.  Like showering.  Right now, I've not showered for two days again.  It's sometimes hard to convince myself to do it.  (But I know once I do, I feel better... And I'm off to shower at... yep... 2 in the morning, go me.  There goes my sleep schedule :U)

All in all though, this year has been, for the most part, on an incline to better.  /o/  I'm just sorry I'm forever slow still. Hopefully that'll change as I go.  (Unless I end up with a job.  Then... I might be slow as hell still. HRMMMMMMM)


1.) Cute art.
2.) Awesome designs
3.) Cool person.

And they are doing a raffle for their watchers... which you should check out >3>  And their stuff.  Because you should be watching them already, duh :iconfliphairplz:
It seems like Kitsudon is having a bit of financial problems /o/ so, go commission her ye. Her art's really pretty.

I have realized I've not made a monthly thing/update since the first one and this journal is very much not that again.
Instead I just wanted to let peoples know that I have some adoptables over on :icongoomama: that would be cool if they got homes and such >3>;

(Holy shit these guys have been around since 2014 herp):
 Micey Things [OPEN] by GooMama
Foxy Floofy [ OPEN ] by GooMama
Bunny Hands 1 [ O P E N ]! by GooMamaBunny Faun [ Open ] by GooMama
Sewn Imp  [ OPEN ] by GooMama
And then I just added this guy~!
Dragon Fly Cat [ Open ] by GooMama

So... yeah \o/  Just kinda advertising myself.
I want to make more adoptables but like >3>;;;  I need to actually sell some or something.  Or else it's kinda pointless for me to put so much work in these guys, ya know?
I know CheruCheriPie kinda has a thing where she does this lil status update on life or whatevers and I've been thinking, maybe this should be a thing I do too?  Especially since I seem to always be not active and not social.

(Also if you don't know I might just end up rambling in these as well.  Like below.)  

Like, I want to be more social.  And I've been thinking on as to why I get so anxious about replying, or just anything socialize.  At first, I thought it was just because it's way out of my comfort zone.  I've figured I'm an introverted person.  Other people have said I'm just shy.  Other people say I have social anxiety.  Might be all of them, or none of them, I dunno.  All I know is I have a hard time replying to things, or holding conversations with people, both online and off the net.  The only people I have no problem with talking with and spending time with are people I know well:  my immediate family and my bestie, Eessosis.  I talk to them all the time. So it's not like I'm /not/ social.  (Though there are times where I just want to not talk to anyone and I tend to go read a book or put on a movie or something.)  But anyways, I've come to realize that these people are my greatest social supporters.  As in, once they aren't in the picture (online: they aren't in the chat room/ offline: they aren't close by), I immediately feel exposed and vulnerable;  this causes me to try not to open myself up to other people.  

Like, I have this really amazing pathfinder group of people, okay?  And I LOVE playing with them.  I think they are the coolest people and it's super fun hanging out with them.  But I completely freeze up all the time, to the point that I can't get myself to reply onto the discord chat we have (especially if I don't see it right away, then I really have a bigger hard time.)  And I honestly know that these people are great and I shouldn't freeze up like this around them.  And yet I still do.

I know that this has gotten worse as time goes by, unless I have moments like these where I just don't care (or I feel too good to feel that anxiousness take over), where I have no problem rambling about myself.  (I actually like talking about myself -divas-.  At least, I've come to realize this.  However I don't always feel super comfortable doing so. So I tend not to.  And as such, I tend to put myself down for it.  Not, like, purposely.  Just I know I'm not a super interesting person.  Hell, most of the time I'm just in my room being a dork, not much to go off of there.)

I know I shouldn't feel like this.  Because it's stupid.  And I should be going around more confidently.  But I really am not that confident a person.  And I'm also trying really hard not to get super attached to people who might just... poof, for one reason or another.  Or to get really really hurt again.  I really don't want to go through getting hurt badly again. Especially since I've been doing really really well with myself.

I feel a lot more happier. Like, I have this scale on how I rate my days:
Up Up (or more Ups if it needs it)
(Up Neutral) Neutral (Down Neutral)
Down Down (or more Downs if it needs it)

For me, Up to Down days are normal and needed.  I can't be happy all the time, or so happy that I'm stuck in a weird overly confident/excited spot.  That can be dangerous for me, and other people.   However, so Up Up moments are healthy too.  As the opposite, I shouldn't be stuck feeling bad for a long time, or horrible for a super long time either.  It can also be dangerous/unhealthy for me and other people.
So most of the time, I tend to be have a Neutral day.  But I've realized my Neutral days can also lead into a "blankness" for me emotionally.  I used to hate feeling really "blank."  However, my "blank" or lack of emotions has dwindled a lot now.  I tend to feel content more than anything.  Or just, comfortable, or safe.  Relaxed.  

I feel that's a good spot to be.  And I worked stupidly hard with myself to get myself in a better emotional state; I'm proud of how far I've got in the last two years.

I just know, socially, this will take me a lot longer.  I can do the brief, "Have a good day" when I buy something or whatever.  But other than that, it's so terrifying?  I can't think of the best word for it.  I want nothing more than to vanish into a wall or something.  (And I've also looked back on myself when I was younger and this has been a thing for a while, but it was never fully this bad.  It got to this bad, but never stayed, ya know?)  

It'll just, take me longer to feel more comfortable with being more social, especially with people I don't know that well or am that actively talking with.  But I know there was one thing that I used to do a lot that helped me break out of my shell a bit more: streaming.  
When I would stream, I would feel anxious, but it was something that I managed to deal with.  And when I would stream more often, it felt like the people who came to my streams and would chat and such were super supporting and such.  Not just of my art, which I'm glad there are some people who enjoy what I make, but of me personally.  Like, I didn't have such a hard time with talking to people after a while when I streamed.  I think this is the step I need to make again, streaming, to help with my social-troubles/energy.  (I also think I have low social energy still but that's fine.)

My only trouble is, I have no idea when to stream.  My days tend to be like this:
Wake up (8-10am)
Go to neighbor's and let out their dog [It's a kinda job so woo |D] (10-11am)
Come back, have lunch/Or walk first (11-2pm)  (In this time, I might actually just talk with Mum or something or play some Skyrim or Draw or Watch some Youtube/TV as well.)  (This is also the the time that if  Mum wants to do some shopping, I go to help her.  
Go back to neighbor's and dog again (2-3pm)
Come back and help with boys if needed, otherwise I have some time to myself again (unless we all go somewhere, which can happen) (3-5pm)
Help with supper and eat the supper (5-6:30pm)
Go and water plants (though  I dunno if we are going to anymore now.  Mum's tired of having a buttload of veggies that we can't eat and we can't seem to find anyone to give them to) (6:30-7pm)
*Watch AGT (On Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  I spend this time with Mum ♥) (7pm+)
Time for myself/help get boys to bed (7-9pm)
Go up and spend some time with Mum again/away from the computer (9-10/11pm)
Get to bed because I tend to be tired (11-12/1am)

And during all those times I have to myself, especially after the boys come home, I might be get peoples coming to me on and off.  (There's a lot of times where I say I spend time with Mum.  I know.  But I know she's lonely a bit right now with my dad being deployed.  She only gets to talk to him for 15 minutes in the morning and another 15 minutes at night each day.  So I try to keep her company sometimes.  Even if it just means I'm sitting in the living room with her watching TV while she plays solitaire on the computer.  She ends up getting a random thought and starts talking about it.  Or we make plans for supper or anything like that for the next day.  Things like that.)
I also don't feel like 2 hours is enough time to really stream.  Especially since some of the art work that I want to be working on takes me 10 hours minimum to work on.  And I want to make bigger pieces.  

...  (I have to go shower really quick while I was in the middle of writing this and I forgot a lot of what I was going to type. HRMMMMM)

But yeah uh.  
Less rambling about all that? Perhaps?  Like, I feel like I was trying to justify myself after rereading some of the stuff I just wrote up there.  It's just been on my mind a lot, and I think dA, and places like dA, are effected the most because of my lack of socializing.  Either way, it's just my ramblings, so feel free to not focus on it.  I'll be continuously contemplating my social skills and such.  All my ramblings up there was just what I've been noticing and pinpointing in my thoughts as I try to figure out a way to feel less... pushed in the middle of a spotlight when I try to socialize. |D;

BUT LET'S ACTUALLY GET TO THE MONTHLY UPDATE THING, YEAH?  I think I'll do these on the 8th of the month, if I keep with it. That's the same time I weigh myself each month to see how I'm progressing with my weight loss.

WHICH IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW, I've been working hard on losing some weight.  I know a couple times in the past I would attempt to lose but then I would give up.  However, I've managed to have a plan on what I do that got me to actually see myself lose some quickly, but not too quickly (since that's unhealthy, ha).  
My main rule:  1,000 calories (though now I'm lenient if I go over a little bit, but no more than 100 calories).
My second rule, that Dad had helped me get into before he left:  I have to walk for a while. 
My third important rule that I had to follow:  weigh myself every month (on the 8th) at the same time (1pm) and record it
My last optional rule:  I'm allowed to have 1 cheat day once a week if I want.

At first, everything sucked and I hated it.  But now, I'm not always hungry, and I can walk farther and faster without 1.) my feet being in pain and 2.) getting tired so fast.  
I had started off walking slowly with my dad every day in the morning around the block, which is a half mile just about.  I had hated it and my feet would be in hell it seemed.  However, now I can easily walk it quickly.  (Though since my first walking partner is in the middle of nowhere and my second walking partner (my little brother) has elementary school again, I tend to just walk on the treadmill which is boring as hell but whatevers.)

After doing this, I've become much more confident (though I'm still a coward for the most part and I try to avoid my problems, sorry guys).  I also don't really see that much of a difference but Mum says she can see a difference.  I can only tell (not using a scale) is that a lot of my clothes are... uh... much looser XD.

I started May 8th on this weightloss plan I made for myself at 311lbs.  (Yes, now you know >3>;)  Now, in my last recording I have in my notepad here:  I weigh (on September 8th) 271.6 lbs.  And I'm still losing.  It's averaging about 10 pounds a month.  My over all goal for next May was to have lost 50 pounds.  (I'm already at 40 so woo, my goal will most likely met ha.)

I can't wait to wear some cute stuffs /o/  Or just get different things.  There really isn't a lot of stuff I'd wear right now that comes in "my size."  Most of it doesn't fit right, or I just feel like I look stupid in it |D.  But I have some clothes I had kept from years and years ago that I'll get to wear again.  And some of it is ♥  I can't wait to wear things and not be super self conscious about what's actually visible.  Like, don't get me wrong, I don't think everyone my size is "bad looking."  And I know I should be comfortable with myself, but I just... am not?

Like, I want to be able to go on a hike to take pretty pictures without being stupidly out of breath.  And things like that.  It's embarrassing for me for what I want to be able to go out and do.  I'm just glad I'm getting results for my hard work to get into a more healthy state physically (I'm obese guys.  It's pretty damn hard to do the things I wanna do).

Big people love though, for those who love themselves on their size.  But if you don't love your size, go ahead and work on it.  No damn shame.  Not everyone has to love what they have at this moment.  (And no, I'm not being "influenced" but the beauty thing or whatever.  I don't want to look like most of those beauty peoples.  I'll still be "fat"  I just won't be obese. -divas away-)

I'm really ecstatic though.  I got some goodies from Japan, which I don't know if I've told you guys about.    One of my dad's coworkers over there got some goodies from his wife (who's stationed in Japan).  This guy shared with some of the other guys, including my dad.  As such, Dad asked if there was a way to send me a box of goodies ♥  They have my eternal thanks ahh ♥  

Also, for supper a couple days ago, I got the boys to make riceballs with me :dummy:

(That one is my second one.  It looks bad, but it was yummy as hell >:C)
We had BBQ pulled chicken to put into the riceballs.  My older little brother, Ian, had some inside his.  My younger little brother, Joel, just wanted a plain riceball.  Which was fine, it was more for the experience of making the riceballs.  Ian tried some seaweed with his and liked it ♥  (And the seaweed was actually good quality stuff so it didn't taste like crap, so double ♥ )  It was yummy, even if it was messy and not the best looking.

I ALSO got some of my Christmas stupidly early.  I had gotten myself a lot of Undertale goodies ♥

I got most of what I picked out.  Some of the other things is Preordered so I won't get them for a bit but yessssss.  Now I can leak my love of this game into my physical presence, instead of just gushing at Em about it forever on and off.
-yesses forever into the distance-

UH....  I also have gotten into Skyrim again.  Anyone who has me on steam (which if you want to add me:…  I don't talk much on there.  I also will ask you to NOT give me games.  Please ask first.  I also will not be giving out games unless I really want to.  Don't ask.) can clearly see how much I'm into that game.  I love Skyrim a lot too.  It's also one of my favorite games >3>  Yes.

If you haven't heard, I've started a group :iconthestateraportum:  I've been working on the map at the moment, and it's really hard.  Maps are hard guys.   But most everything behind the scenes (writing wise) is done.  We just have to rewrite it to make it not look like a bunch of notes >3>  But right now I was just working on arts.  It'll take a little bit to get up and running, but once it does, it'll be a pretty relaxed group.
I've been wanting to kinda get back into RPing.  (And to reply to the one RP I have that's been in Haitus for months now because of me.)  And like, I just wanted a chill place.  I also know that Em, who's co-founder of the group, also wanted a relaxed chill group as well to also help her get back into RPing.  So it's like, perfect ♥  
I can't wait to make even more since that's exactly what I should be doing and place characters into there. ♥

But I can't think of much else to put into this possibly monthly thing that I might or might not do.    I've been working on this for the last 3 hours (showering took some time and Mum needing me to help).  I'll try not to ramble AS much next time?  Or just toss out a lot of thoughts that have been circling in my head possibly?  I dunno.  I'm doing pretty good.  Wish I knew what we were doing for supper (I've not eaten Lunch yet so....  >3>) 
I'm sorry art takes me forever.  
That's something I need to get back into as well.
(And sorry for taking forever to reply to comments.  I... I'm trying.  I promise.  And that note.  I will reply back.  I swear.  I just dunno when).



Em and I... we wanted a chillax place to possibly RP and such and just... have a good place to be. (And I miss RPing... I kinda wanna try to get back in it.  But have a better hold and a better balance of RP and everything else I want to do).
So we figured we'd just make a group, why not?

This group is my baby right now and I'm working super hard on it and I love it ♥
This place will let anyone make anything, from humans to robots to fantasy things to whatever you design, to live together and allow to interact with other people.  No activity checks, no big money systems.

Hell, you don't even have to be super into the RPing thing.  If you just want a character to have a home and this place'll work then woo \o/

It's still very much WIP at the moment.
Right now we need to finalize rules, make a discord chat, finish art, make the writing nice and not all notes like. 

But this group makes me super happy and I can't wait ♥

(Also, I'm really sorry there's like... nothing there.  It really is being done and such.  And I REALLY want to finish it and make this group a thing... even if people don't join >3>;  It'll be nice to finish a thing again yeah?)

(A-and the only reason its on here is because it's like... completely original character stuff and I can do most anything?  And it's mainly just a setting ye)
I stole this from TwistedDisaster ... I might have done this one before. No idea.  But I had looked at my comments, and then became a coward so I saw this and here we are.  (I swear... I'll reply to comments... I will.  And notes and just... everything.)

1. Preferred Name:  Dreams

2. Age: 24

3. Mental Age: All the ages.  It really depends on who I'm with, the situation, how I'm feeling, etc.

4. Height: 5'5"

5. Birthday: February 6th

6. Longest Relationship:  
    Longest Relationship: (LIFE) my parents
    Longest Friendship: (9? years) Eessosis
    Longest Relationship (as in with dating and such:  (little over a year) Was with my last ex

7. Crush:  I'm kinda keeping to myself, not chasing anyone.  Unless you mean all these monster babs I keep making then... Mall these monsters and aliens and such ♥

8. Pets: I have four cacti and a bamboo plant. Does that count?

9. Country / State: Amurica / Utah

10. OTP: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk man.

11. Eye color: Blue

12. Hair color: Brown (seriously, I don't get why people call me blond.  My hair is brown like, hello.  Blond is not this color |:U )

13. Fav food: 8,I  I've a lot.  But I'll say pizza <3  

14. Food you hate:  -slams hands down- Ketchup >8C

15. Fav Song: UGHHHH I CAN'T PICK.  UH.  I'll link to a couple. 

(I can seriously go on for a while.  I'll stop here)

16. Song you Hate:  Anaconda - Nicki Minaj.  Uh- there's a few others but that's the most recent one I remember/twas reminded of.

17. Fav Animal: 8,I  This one's hard tooo... Uhhhhhhhhh- Snails, Snakes, Cats, Octopuses, Lots of others

18. One Wish: (I just typed out my dream.  A wish though uhhh) To get a flying licences.  I LOVE planes and flying <3  I just know jack about planes and how to fly them.  (I'd be totally happy if I could just learn how to fly though without planes.  That'd be cool.)

19. Kik Name:  No idea what kik means.

20. Relationship Status: Single

21. Fist Kiss:  Most likely in kindergarten or something like that.

22.  Pronouns: She/her works.  

23.  Sexuality:  Bi, Pansexual-curious

24. Gender: Genderfluid (or more like I don't really give two shits about my gender.  It's anything and everything or just one thing or another.  I don't really care that much.  Genderfluid works well for me).

25. Type of Attraction: The attraction kind.  Idk man.

26. Someone you Love: My family, and my bestie

27. Someone you Miss: I miss people but I miss them more of how I knew them before shit or moving or whatever.  I miss my bestie, even though I talk to her all the time on skype (I miss hanging out with her and such).  

28.  Someone you Hate:  I don't like to hate people. But I have a STRONG dislike of a few people.

29. Fandoms: UHHHHHHH  Idk man?  Lots of things?  You'll just have to ask me.  I CAN say I'm not part of the Steven Universe fandom, My Little Pony Fandom, or the Homestuck fandom (ESPECIALLY these last two).

30.  First Fandom: Pff.  Pokemon.

31.  Fav TV show: I don't really watch a lot of TV... So... uh.... House Hunters, Chopped, America's Got Talent, Pitbulls and Parolees, Lost (even though I don't watch it on TV really.)  Uh... that one face painting one?  I dunno, I just watch what interests me.

32.  Fav Movie: Essentially all the Studio Ghibli movies.  Phantom of the Opera, Harry Potter UHHHH Lots others that I'm struggling with remembering this morning.  I like a LOT of movies.

33.  Fav Book:  Again I have a lot, but I'll go with Fablehaven.

34. A book you Hate: I'm a picky reader kinda.  Or more of a picky writing style reader.  I don't really have a book I hate I don't think?

35. Inside or Outside: Inside, unless it's raining or thunder storming.  Then I wanna be outside ♥  Or night time.... Sometimes it's nice to go outside and lay in the grass and kinda nap in the sun though >3>

36.  Jealous of: Uhhhhhhhh  I might say "UGH I'm so jelly!" but seriously jealous?  I dunno.  I'm envious of some people's skills or whatever but not really... jealous.

37. Do you Bind:  Nah, I don't bind, if you are meaning like... chest binds and such.  Or putting a binder thing on my stomache or whatever.  Either way (even if I'm saying it wrong) I don't.

38. Do you want to bind? Nah, I'm good.

39.  Star sign: Aquarius

40.  Nick Name: Dreams, Dreamsie, Drem

41.  Snap chat Name:  Don't got a snap chat.

42. Books or Wifi: It really depends.  I like Wifi.  But I like books.

43. Bff: Eessosis

44. Most Used App: If you're talking phones, I don't have apps on my phone.  Too old a phone.  If you're talking about how Windows 10 calls all programs apps (which is stupid but whatever), then probably Sai.

45. last test: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh,  Maybe a test in College last year?

46. Ever fallen in love:  Yeah.  I'm a bit of a stupidly hopeless romantic.  I've been working on that.  I fall in love stupid easy.  I'd rather, now, just get to know the person first and fall in love that way.  Be a close buddy of mine first, please.  So you can see me for me and then decide, and the same for me to you.

47. What Attracts you: Uh.  People who stick with their dreams (are we talking about people?) Like seriously, it's absolutely amazing and inspiring for myself to keep pushing for myself.  (That and some monster/aliens ♥ ha).

48.  would you change your sexuality if you could? No?  Why would I?  Especially when I'm just like... "Yeah cool /o/"  Like I have my preferences on what I want sexually (or I think I do.  I dunno.  I've not experienced it at all sooooo-)

49.  Hugs or Cuddles:  Hugs?

50. Ask me a Question:  What sound do you want to be in your life forever?
And to anyone else who celebrates July 4th for any reason :dummy:

But I'm actually here for a deeper journal chat |D

So, if you guys didn't know, I have like... a buttload of characters (original and fanmade).  At least 300, I think...  Maybe more or less.  But I'm almost constantly keep making more.
And if you didn't know, I've actually wanted to draw them more (epsecially my original characters.)  However, as you can see, I don't tend to draw them much.  I settle on just drawing doodles of me, and sometimes Em.  Or just some really random stuff.

I've developed a guilt and regret of not drawing my Original characters.  However, this feeling stems from a guilt and regret of not being able to draw all of them and all their stories.  I have at least 12 big main stories (and then lots of little stories...)  To counter this bad feeling, I've made it a habit to just not draw anyone or work on any story.
So my big question to you is how do you manage to just pick one character or one group of characters/story to work on?  Or just to get into drawing anyone in general?

I know another part of this feeling is stemmed from no one knowing these characters and no one really is "WOO YEAH IT'S -insert name here-!"  Kinda thing.  Which I do understand that if I drew someone more often, people will get to know them more...  

I dunno.  Advice on getting yourself excited about drawing your own characters?  
Like, I love these guys.  A lot.  I love their stories.  I love their personalities.  What they look like (even if I'm going through and updating their designs sometimes).  Like... these guys are my best friends when I'm alone.  Or when I don't know anyone.  Both original and fanmade (though, again, I want to work on my original stuff more. )  I just :,C  I feel so bad |D  It feels like they are all reaching out to me when I sit down and decide to draw my original characters and then I just feel overwhelmed and super guilty :C  Because they all deserve to be loved and drawn ; 3 ;

BUT if you don't have any idea what to say for that stuff.  How are you in general?  What have you been up to?