It has been over a year since my last journal entry, and much has happened since that time. Here is a brief overview for those who are curious.
- I created a tulpa with my own sexual energy, fell in love with her, started a blog called, "Romance Beyond Reality" to detail my experiences, finally disconnected myself from the tulpa and freed both of us from an unhealthy relationship, and have since taken down that blog and started another one.
- I started another blog which is still up called, "A Different Path" where I share any spiritual Truths I have learned.
- I got a guitar, was taking singing lessons, and while I like to sing and was glad to be able to try a good guitar I discovered that neither of these paths was for me at the time.
- I left my former Christian religion for good, and as this was right on the heels of the experience with the tulpa It was almost enough to end me. It is INCREDIBLY hard to remove a part of your identity from yourself, especially as I had been a Christian for 20 years or so. I had to overcome the fear of hell and the less than ideal viewpoint of Heaven. But when I finally freed myself of this I truly felt free for the first time in my life.
- Many, many beliefs and thoughts, what I call programming, have been dropped or changed. The process may continue for the rest of my physical existence as far as I know. But I let go of anything that holds me back from my spiritual growth and quest for Truth.
- Most relevant for this site is that I have finally embraced my inner artist. For years I would draw stuff, do various things on the computer, but never allowed myself t think of myself as an artist. I was not open and receptive to this part of myself. Part of my art is writing, and I burdened this aspect of myself by think of it as my only salable skill. In other words I was trying to write to earn money. But I have finally freed myself of these things. I tiold myself years ago, after seeing a dragon that my cousin, then Brad, drew that there was no room for another artist in the family, or I couldn't do that, or something. But I have released myself from this too. So now I am free to draw, to write, to take pictures, to level design, to model, even to program, with no expectation of anything from my work. I am free to simply enjoy the process, and if it happens that the result earns me money, awesome, because I will be doing what I love to do and getting paid for it. But I will not be doing what I love to do to earn money. The focus is different, on the process and doing what I love to do rather than on earning money and supporting myself.
Which brings me to what I want to talk about this afternoon. I have been reading Juila Cameron's, "Sound of Paper." I think that book, along with Louise Hay's, "You Can Heal Your Life" and others are what has brought me, finally, to the point of opening. I was living in denial of myself, at war with myself. I would do art but not see myself as what I truly am, an artist. I was closed to my true nature, and I, as well as my art, suffered for it. Now I have done some amazing art, the photography here attests to that. But that is gold dust compared to the huge nuggets I can now produce. What art is allowed to flow freely through you, without judgment, without criticism, the result will reach in and grab those who see it by their very heart and souls. You know when you see art like that. It speaks to you, it draws you. If you have never read any of Julia Cameron's books pick one up and start reading. Do not judge your writing by hers. That is not what I am asking you to do. Instead notice how she writes, how the words speak to you. It was one of the first things I noticed. I am a very well read person, and I know I write very well. But Cameron's words are flowing freely through her to the printed page and you can see the dramatic and drastic difference. Now we are simply talking about being aware and noticing her, the tendency is to judge or criticize, do not give in to that! I am just using this as an example. Cameron is open and receptive to her artistic self, expressing itself in her writing.
If you are here chances are you are also an artist. You may have one or many mediums. The question, again without judgment or criticism, that I want you to ask yourself is, "Am I Open?" Are you allowing art to flow through you? Or are you constrained or blocked in some way? Because the pressure from that can twist your art and make it smaller, and I do not mean in a physical sense. Spend some time thinking about what you love to do. What, like me, you may have been doing all this time yet never allowing you to think of yourself as an artist. As if it was some dirty word. Bad programming is everywhere here and you may get it from all directions. "Most artists never make any money..." or "Such and such's work only became valuable after he or she died..." or "You can't support yourself by drawing pictures!" Bullshit! It's time to draw a line. I know you may love some of these naysayers, but you have to draw a line. The Truth is you can succeed as an artist, you can be wealthy, you can support yourself, and this can all happen coincidental you your art, in other words you can have these things with your focus being solely on enjoying your unique artist expression and experience.
The Truth is the reality you experience, right now, in this moment, is the very reality you created for yourself. You probably didn't even know you were doing it, Your reality that you are experiencing right now is the results of the beliefs you have adopted, the way you think, your perception of reality, and other related factors. Think about what you believe about yourself and your art. Ask yourself, "Is that my belief? Or did I get that from my parents? Or my teacher?" I think you will be surprised to learn that the majority of your beliefs are those that you adopted from your family or those who raised you, your religion or non-religion, your education, and the views of society. Others have been telling stories, and those who raised them probably told the same stories, and now you tell these same stories, about yourself and life. But that is all they are, stories, no more real than an issue if your favorite comic book. Good bad, right, wrong, wealthy, poor, God, Satan, etc. are all human constructions. They only exist because people believe they exist. The more people that have poured energy into these beliefs, especially bleeding and dying for them, the stronger they are. But they are not the Truth. They just appear to be.
So then, how do you create this life you want for yourself? It is very simple, as anything that is Truth usually is. If you, like me, have been raised in a mindset of scarcity, lack or limitation you need to let go of those beliefs. For me when I find an belief I want to be free of I simply release and let it go to the Source. I don't follow a religion. The Source is just another name for whatever energy created all of us. For you that may be God or the Big Bang or your Higher Self. Whatever works. Let it go and stop thinking that way. This may take time, because it took time to program yourself to think that way, so it makes sense it will take time to program yourself another way. Whenever you start to have some limiting thought catch yourself (be aware of it), without judgment or criticism (OI can not emphasize this enough) and say to yourself something like, "No, that is not true. I am connected to the Source (or God, or my Higher Self, or whatever) and its supply is infinite, so there is no lack. The Source provides." Don't use my exact words here, adapt them so that they speak to you and your unique belief system, if you have one. Now you also have to feel this, feel assurance, confidence, because certainly when you thought the old way about limitation or lack you felt small, powerless, unsure, worried, etc. You have to feel in your body that which coincides with your thoughts you are programming yourself to think.
That's the first step, the next is to stop repressing yourself and be open to your unique artistic expression. What is it you enjoy doing? What is it you do a lot of but are not acknowledging or honoring? My example was art in general. I would do all these artistic things yet never think of myself as an artist. I did not honor this aspect of myself, I was closed off. What are you closed off to in yourself? What are you closed to that? Chances are you will track it to some belief, you may not even remember the whole story anymore, but you are still following the same old script. I see a picture of a dragon that my cousin drew years ago. Maybe there is an image, or a moment, you can trace back to? Find that, play it through, just observe. Feel whatever you feel when you see that. Be aware of what thoughts come up with the image or whatever it is. May even be a smell. That thought stems from a belief, and that belief is what you need to release and let go. This process is very hard to explain and I still don't entire understand it. I can only express to you in words what it was like then and what it is like now. Then I was closed, limited, constrained, not true to myself, not believing in myself, not being honest with myself, not being who I truly was, not acknowledging this true nature, not honoring myself. Now it is the opposite. I am open to myself, unlimited, free, true to myself, I believe in myself, I always strive to be honest with myself, I always strive to be who I truly am, I acknowledge my true nature and I honor myself.
Now you see the Truth, you feel it, you know it. May the Truth in these words, like a tiny seed, grow and bloom within you, opening you to yourself, to the things you love to do, to your unique artistic expression, your unique way you honor and praise the energy that gave you life, whether or not you believe in it. May you be open, reception and free. I look forward to seeing the products of art flowing through you, unfettered, unrestrained, completely and totally free. May that flow become a river of creativity for you! May you both daily in the joy of your unique expression! May the waters of your artistic endeavors quench the thirst of all those wandering a desert of a meaningless and unfulfilled life! May it become an oases in them for anyone else lost in the same endless sands!
I used to say that, "There is no point in living if you don't enjoy life." But now let me say, "The point of living is to experience life." Be open. Be receptive. Be yourself. Write and live your own stories, not someone else's.