End of a Saga

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Follows After: 

There's a tldr summary of the story below~ 
Just keep scrolling, it's down there, I promise xD

Trigger warnings: Mostly just stressed sads

     
    Things weren't as bad as Chris thought they'd be after dumping Fang. There was the immediate guilt and regret as expected. At first, he hated that Fang didn't even call or text him. He took Fang as the desperate type that doesn't take no for an answer. That's how he had always come off. That's how he always was around Chris like he was never taken seriously. And let's be honest here, Chris could be a bit of a narcissist, even if unintentionally. The silence was eerie. Did he actually kill himself? Wasn't wildly out of question with someone like Fang. Police never showed up to ask anything, surely Chris would be a prime candidate to ask for more information. Or maybe that's how little he and Fang really knew each other. Maybe no one had found his body yet. Maybe that's what Fang wanted him to think so he'd be the one to come crawling back first.
    While that thought lingered, it faded from the front of Chris's mind. More like, it was pushed back as he readied himself to leave RidgeRunner behind and all he knew growing up. There was only one other major move in his life and that came shortly after his accident. They had moved from Iceland to the United States just months after. Abi was just an infant at the time; she had no memories of Iceland or what the move was like. The experience did prepare Chris to uproot and call elsewhere home but didn't make his nerves any calmer. He still had lingering guilt that made him uneasy.

     Dave knew something had happened but he couldn't tell to what extent. All he knew was Chris was behaving differently than what had become usual. He wasn't as put off or abrasive. Dave dearly hoped that meant he had seen the last of "Fang". But he learned not to ask. Chris made the request not to speak of it anymore so Dave honored that… as much as it killed him inside not to know. For now, he was eager to rekindle their relationship while it seemed Chris was more open to Dave being around him again.
    Chris flinched, hearing Dave approaching but not expecting him to slap some kind of pamphlet in front of him. He glanced up to see some smarmy smirk on his face before grabbing the pamphlet to see what he was boasting on about now. "Uh, no," Chris snorted.
    "Consider our chances, Christopher," Dave encouraged, tapping the pamphlet again.
    It was a flier for a horse show. It had all the usual showjumping classes of various levels and ages. At the bottom, circled and underlined in pen was the team relay event where teams of two ran different parts of the course one after the other. Fastest team won. It was just for fun and boasting, of course.
    "Considered and the verdict stands," he straightened up, crossing his arms, leaned on the fence and facing Dave, "No. You're so slow."
    Dave feigned being offended (a little bit was honest shock). "You are gravely mistaken, my boy. I've been holding back…"
    Chris rolled his eyes but smirked. His attention drifted back to the pasture where a small herd was in turnout. Mostly older horses, retired from their illustrious careers, now prime candidates for lower levels, beginners, lessons, and permanent retirement. Among them was Hakuna, now recovering from his recent gelding procedure. Chris had put it off longer than he intended to but he was putting his indecision aside from now on. He had to stop getting choked up on this horse. Dave wasn't the only one holding back.
    Chris looked back to Dave who was still going on about which horses they could take. He was even offering his prize mare for Chris to ride "if he dared". The one he had "borrowed" without asking thus inciting an indefinite ban from all of Dave's horses. In a way, it did help to make Chris become more independent, having to get his own horses from then on.
    "Dad," Chris finally cut him off as he was going on about some riding schedule about the barn that would ensure Dave wouldn't interfere with Chris's schedule. "I already took a different job. I'll be moving at the end of the month."
    Dave was absolutely quiet. He gave Chris a stern look up and down. A different job? Dave's shoulders sagged, despite trying to keep up a neutral poker face. He found it hard to respond earnestly. "That's… you've chosen already? May I ask where?"
    Chris nodded, leaning his elbows on the fence while watching the horses or whatever was out there. He didn't expect Dave to rejoice once he knew it wasn't going to be RidgeRunner. He had probably been dreaming of it for years now. Why did he love so unconditionally? "Pemberley-"
    "William Darcy," Dave sighed, filling in the rest for Chris. He leaned over on the fence too, needing a moment to collect himself. The man with the world in his hands. No doubt he had been courting Chris. As often as Chris showed there, it's no surprise he had a strong connection there. Dave inhaled and straightened back up again, putting on a slight smile, trying to be positive. "Now that is somewhere you're going to prosper, I have no doubt. Mr. Darcy has a very respectable foundation. You will… you-" Dave sighed again, absolutely failing to conceal his disappointment any longer. "I'm sorry, Christopher. I'm very proud of you and your choices. It's my own aspirations sullying this moment that we should both be rejoicing. I sincerely apologize."
    "It's fine, really," Chris shrugged. "I'd be more offended if it didn't bother you. At least I know you're still being my dad and not just some salesman after my assets." Chris glanced over to Dave, seeing him smile like a dork. Chris felt really bad for him. As much shit Chris put him through, he still gets giddy when he shows barely an ounce of familial affection.
    Chris sighed this time, his smirk fading away, looking away from Dave. "I thought it was the best choice for everyone…"
    Dave raised a brow, catching the term "everyone" immediately. He came from a family that picked their words very carefully. "It is the best choice for you, as well, is that correct? This should be in your best interests. Who else is in the picture, here?"
    As Chris predicted. Dave caught on right away. "I can't stay here anymore," Chris explained quietly. He knew Dave was going to ask why next. Was he prepared to give that answer? Feelings he had been holding onto for over a decade. Feelings that had festered for years and had turned into this wound that wouldn't heal over his heart. Probably what led him to be so unhappy all of the time and so quick to snap at people that got close. He didn't want that anymore. He saw what it could do to him. He never thought he was capable of being someone that would resort to hurting himself like that. Even if it was just punching his leg, maybe that wasn't such a big deal to some. But it was the fact that he couldn't even stop himself until it hurt. That's what was scary. What would that look like over time? Would it still be punches? Would he still stop once it started to hurt? He didn't want to know.
    Dave did want to ask why he felt this place wasn't a good fit for him but he didn't think asking point blank would get a response, not a good one anyway. Instead, he just made sure to come clean and be honest with Chris. "If I've overstepped my bounds and made you feel unsettled here, I sincerely apologize."
    "That's not it, Dad. You'll be an overbearing helicopter parent even from the grave," Chris rolled his eyes but cracked a smile.
    "Only because I love my children so dearly," he said tenderly. "No matter where you go," he added to be sure he didn't think he was trying to keep Chris grounded. He just wanted to understand his reasoning.
    "I know." Not like Chris could say it back. The word "love" hurt too much. It made his chest tighten and his stomach roll over. Chris closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath in to hold back the raw emotions. If he could rip the bandaid off on Fang and break that apart, he could do the same here. Cut everyone off he could hurt. "You are one of the reasons I want to leave. But," he added quickly before Dave took that the wrong way, "not because you stick your nose into every facet of my life. You think we aren't used to that already?" He smirked again.
    Dave had his eyes locked on Chris, watching his body language. It was something heavy he didn't want to talk about. He had seen it many times in the past. First when he was very young and had done something he shouldn't have done like spilling a drink or breaking something in the house. Then he recognized the way he pressed his knuckles down on the fence like how he would when Dave would ask what had happened during the accident. How he pinched his lips together before ultimately sighing and dismissing whatever it was on his mind.
    Only this time, Chris let the words go. "I'm tired of being a problem here. Just," he held up a hand to stop Dave from interjecting, "Shut up for a second. Kate doesn't need to sneak around me. If she wants to come see her horse, she should just come see her horse. I messed up with Fang. I really only hooked up with him to annoy you. Mission accomplished," Chris muttered quietly. "I'm sorry for that. It was seriously stupid. I've been a bastard to you for a long time now. And I'm sorry... I've been a problem for such a long time now-" Chris choked up, tightening his fists more, clenching his teeth together. He hated this. He could finally declare what a piece of shit he really was despite denying it for so long.
    Dave was drifting somewhere in space. Where was all of this coming from? What had happened to him? He had been so guarded and reserved for so long, he forgot how emotional his boy could be. No one believed him that he was such a sweet young boy full of life and vigor. He hadn't been that Christopher for years. Dave felt like he had stepped through time and there was his baby boy, feeling like he was in some kind of trouble because he messed up. "No, no, no, Christopher," Dave whispered quietly, wrapping him in a hug. It was a lot harder to get his arms all the way around him, but it still felt right to hold him close. Dave wasn't going to let him cry alone this time.
    The tears didn't really come until his arms pulled him in. It acknowledged the hurt and they rolled down his cheeks. Part of him was embarrassed and ashamed, the other part torn up, once again looking for someone to latch onto. "I know what I've done to you," he cried into Dave's shoulder, trying to keep himself together. "It's my fault everything changed. I was stupid and got hurt. And that changed everything. You gave up everything because of me. You didn't even want us to go back to riding. You treat Abi like she's made of glass. You won't even let Daniel near a horse. All because of me. You think I didn't hear you and mom arguing? I took everything away from you, I didn't think you were ever going to ride again. And then you just…changed."
    My God, this is what he carried for all those years? It pulled Dave's heart into pieces. How did he ever get these ideas in his head? "Christopher James," Dave bit back his own tears, being the grounded one here. "The only thing you did was make me appreciate our family more. I was scared," Dave admitted. It felt wrong to say. Dads weren't supposed to be scared when their children needed them to be strong. "I didn't want you to know how scared I was. I…didn't change my riding style because I wanted to be a better role model…"
    Chris wiped his eyes, stepping back and furrowing his brows. Yes, he did. He jammed his philosophies down his throat that he shouldn't be riding like how Dave had been. "You did it so I wouldn't get hurt again, I know."
    Dave shook his head, this time he pinched his lips shut. He looked from the horses in the field, back to Chris. He wanted to come clean if Chris was doing the same. "It's because I didn't think I could ride again…" He lowered his chin, feeling ashamed to admit it. "You were much braver than I was. When I told you maybe we should find a new outlet, that was because I was scared to ride again. You don't know what you looked like when I found you, Christopher. The things that went through my mind when I felt all hope drain away. Why would I want to continue down this path if this is what it led to? My child; hurt and I wasn’t even there for you when it happened. I changed everything because I was hiding the truth from everyone."
    Chris absorbed the new information. Something he never considered. Dave was right that his kids thought he was a strong father, inside and out. That's why he was so particular about everything they could and couldn't do. But he never considered Dave actually wanting to quit riding all along. "So…then why did you keep doing this then?"
    "Because your mother knew I could get over being scared but I'd never get over letting you down. So you see," Dave fussed with his mustache before leaning on the fence, facing away from the pasture. Seemed they were both bad at this kind of sharing. "When I suggested we stop riding… that was just because I was hoping you'd want to do that with me, maybe you were as scared as I was. But I saw how much it hurt you. I let everyone else form their own narrative, including you, because I was more afraid of what it would do to you if you knew how much I never wanted to look at another horse. So… I had to find a way to get my confidence back. I just kept thinking if anything happened to you again or if that had happened to me and I wasn't there to raise you, to be some kind of role model - I had failed you."
    "Why didn't you just say that…" Chris asked. The moment it left his mouth and Dave glanced to the side at him… Chris knew that was a dumb thing to ask. He nodded, hanging his head too. Why was it so hard to say these kinds of things to people they loved? "I had no idea…"
    "The feeling is mutual, Christopher," Dave agreed somberly. For ten years, Dave had wanted to know what changed in Chris. And now that he knew what he had thought this whole time, Dave felt like he shared in that guilt. How different things might have been had they had this conversation years ago…
    Chris wiped his eyes again, just to be sure they were dry. That was one thing his father never shamed his children for. "...thanks…for doing that. For getting back to riding. Sorry I didn't understand it."
    "It's quite alright, Christopher. We both thought we had the answers. I do understand why you want to leave, however."
    Chris straightened up a little, "Don't think it's because-"
    Dave waved a hand. "No, no. I think you should do it. There is a lot weighing on you here. More than I realized. I do disagree, however, that it is best for everyone here. I will always be here for you." He smiled and picked up the pamphlet that had been lost in the emotional display. He handed it back to Chris with a grin.
    Chris took it but shook his head, "Still not happening. I'm moving that weekend."
    "Then the next time," Dave rebounded.
     Chris smirked, "Yea, I'll think about it. In the meantime, get faster.”
    "Deal," Dave agreed.
    "And…I need to ask one more thing of you. Hakuna…" He gripped the fence railing, looking at him laying in the grass so peacefully unaware his existence was entangled with so much turmoil; feelings only humans were burdened with. "You have to take him back from me," Chris strained to say, feeling a lurch in his stomach. He might be the last thing that was keeping Chris so grounded in the past. "I can't even ride him. I can't…"
    Dave studied Chris's emotion across his face before turning to look at the field of horses. "He is getting on with age-"
    "That's not the problem," Chris explained bluntly. "You were able to overcome your fears. At least, deal with them. Me…I can't. I've tried." After the last panic attack and outcome around the horse, Chris knew it was too deep rooted. Maybe if Hakuna were eight years old again, maybe Chris could convince himself to keep trying. But the horse was nearing twenty. What was the point even if he could get on him again? It wasn't like he'd have an illustrious career. It wasn't like Chris needed some kind of internal victory. It wouldn't fix anything. It wouldn't change anything. Not really. A dumb kid riding an old horse. The world wasn't going to stop in its tracks and congratulate either one of them.
    "I have to let him go. Would you please take him back?" Chris hung his head, maybe feeling shame first. He felt like a little kid asking his dad to take his horse back that he bought for him all those years ago. But he also felt the guilt that he couldn't see it through to the end. There was no reason why he couldn't keep Hakuna just as he was; a glorified pasture ornament and occasional lesson horse. So why let him go?
    Dave wondered the same thing as he hesitated to answer. For years now, he had pushed at Chris to get rid of the animal. If he wasn't going to make use of him, sell him off. No sense in hanging onto him. But after their confessions, Dave felt torn for the first time. Hakuna had been a kind of source of guilt for Chris all this time.
    "I need you to do the right thing for me," Chris continued. "I don't care what you think that is. But I…I can't do it," Chris admitted quietly, feeling so small and insignificant. He knew he was just passing the responsibility off to someone else. Dave could have Hakuna euthanized and at one point Chris really thought he would and he fought him so hard on that. Dave could sell him. He'd be gone forever. Probably to someone who could actually use him and appreciate him. And Chris had been too selfish to do that. Couldn't even give him away to people he knew he could trust. So there he lay in a pasture, getting fat and out of shape, rotting away.
    Dave finally sighed and nodded. "I will see that he's looked after. You don't have to worry over him any longer. I can do that for you, Christopher." He rested a hand on Chris's shoulder for a moment. His poor boy. He might have his mother's cold personality but he had inherited Dave's soft heart.
     He felt that was the opportune moment to take his leave again. As much as he wanted to stay there in that moment forever, he didn't want to sully the moment either. Let beautiful things stay beautiful. They both had a lot of sobering up to do over their perspectives. They both needed space to grieve. Hopefully, the final stage where they could put it all in the past and move on. As much as Dave would miss Chris dearly, this was a good thing. Somewhere he could really focus. Somewhere all of these hooks weren't waiting to pull his heartstrings. He had healing to do just as Dave did too.
    It was time for the next chapter for the both of them.


(3441 wordcount)
she big, but she wholesome(ish)


tldr;
--Chris is leaving and going to Pemberley 
--Dave is bummed but supportive
--Chris got really sad and shared why he wants to leave
--Chris always thought it was his fault Dave got all boring 
--Chris thought he was weighing Dave down all this time 
--Dave big sads
--Dave actually didn't want to return to riding 
--Dave had to put on big boy pants and be brave daddio for children; that's why Dave was boring - he was spooked <//3 
--Cue the "omg we're both stupid" realization 
--Chris also gives Hakuna back to Dave; he doesn't know what to do with him anymore
--Dave is good dad and takes him back, he'll make that decision
<3 

Previous: Shut It Out || Next: TBA

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. 
I killed Fangopher. So all I could scrape together was wholesome Dave and Chris FINALLY having the talk. "Why are you an ass to me?" and "Why are you so strict?" finally put to rest. This has been a long time coming. Finally, they can see how dense both of them are x'''D Like father, like son. Maybe they can be friends again, one day :'''D Doubtful, BUT WHO KNOWS. 

Also, hey, Chris has a "job" at Pemberley~ Woohoo~ I'm gonna love competing against my own stables lmfao Y'all know I love it lol Big thanks to decors for the patience while my boyo has been slooooooowly aging up xD This plot has been in the works for SO LONG. We're here! : D

Anywho, have a sweet Hakuna <3 Now gelded and officially retired from any kind of illustrious career. What's the next phase for him? Who knows. This may be the last piece of art we see of him. Maybe not, but we all know Dave isn't going to ride him (again) xD That is yet to be determined. 
The rainbows for what comes after the storm and the clouded breath for the boys finally taking that sigh of relief as clarity settles. 

I'm fighting the good fight for Fangopher next year.  
I don't know how I'm going to pull it off, but I've given up on CPR and I'm studying Necromancy at this point. >:""")  


Hakuna/Chris/Abi/Dave/Kate/Fang/Daniel/Art © Drasayer 
William Darcy © decors 
No specific ref for ponio~


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