DM gazed at the barrier that now stood between him and that world. "No. No, no no, NO! NO!" He began pounding on it as hard as he could. "NO! NO! NO!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "IT ISN'T FAIR! I BELONG HERE, I BELONG WITH THEM! OPEN, GODDAMMIT!" Again and again his fists slammed against the barrier, causing ripples, but the barrier never even budged. Tears streamed down his face as he pounded weakly, whispering "Open...open, god damn you...let me in...it's not fucking fair...Please...let me back in...I'll do anything..." He sunk to his knees. "Please...don't leave me alone...I have nowhere else to go..."
Well. What can I say that hasn't been said already? History repeats itself. If you'll recall my previous journal a long time ago, ancient history, about my banning from SweetFurryHotel, then you can probably guess what kind of situation I'm in.
I've been banned from another community. I won't say which one, to spare them any trouble, but let's just say it was a community I really wish I was still part of. It's caused me to ask more than a few questions about myself, where I stand on how I interact with people, and how easy it is to lose that which is important to you.
It's simple, really. With a mere click of a big red angry button, you are forcibly expelled from somewhere, and people move on and forget about you in just a few days' time. It's almost funny how quickly the exchange happens. Something so permanent...done so quickly. It's like a lethal injection. It only takes a few seconds to kill you, but the poison hurts like hell, and in the few seconds you're still alive, I'd imagine you want nothing more than to die. And no matter how badly you want it to stop, or how you bargain and beg and plead for your life, the poison will always kill you. Social rejection, I've found, is exactly like this lethal poison. Only, in my case, the poison never actually kills me. It relapses through my veins time and again, repeating itself over and over.
One community. Poison relapse.
Two communities. Poison relapse.
Five communities. Poison relapse.
And then when you can take no more, you realize a truth about the poison that you've been dosed with: you injected it into yourself, of your own free will.
It is hard for me to understand other people's feelings. It is hard for me to react to social cues, and it is hard for me to interact with other people without shifting into being offensive. And time and again this has fucked me. There is something wrong with me. Something I keep slamming my head against but cannot be resolved. I am not a good person. I am not nice to other people, I am not kind or considerate. It does not come naturally to me. And what's worse...I don't know if it ever will.
I have searched online on how to become a better person, and how to sympathize with others, how to carry a normal conversation, how to act like a normal human being. But despite all my efforts, I have been told, whether I want to hear it or not, that I am a failure, or that I'm awful, or any various other insults and comments.
Whether or not these are true is irrelevant. If I am giving them a reason to say such things in the first place, then there is a problem.
I have no friends.
I have no social groups.
I know no one in the world outside of my family.
I am too introverted and socially awkward/repulsive to make any friends.
My greatest fear is that I will die without anyone ever having liked me. I am now twenty years old, and am turning twenty one in June. The relationships and friendships I had the opportunity to make in school, I never got the chance to, for reasons I'll not go into here, but know that my childhood and education were far from normal. In just ten short years, I will be thirty. And then, in ten more years I will be forty. Soon I will be seventy, or eighty. It took me twenty years just to learn how to behave like a normal person. How long will it take for me to create strong, defined relationships? Thirty years? Forty? Eighty (if I even have that much time left?)
The point I am making is this. The world isn't fair. It sends things at you that you are unprepared for, things that make you want to die. And believe me, I have considered suicide on multiple occasions. The only reason I do not is because I am not willing to do that to my family. I have seen how it destroys the people around the victim. The world, including or even especially the internet, is no place for people with problems. And unfortunately, I have too many problems. I believe this is why I keep getting removed. Because my problems leech onto other people around me, and no one is willing to accommodate my problems.
And why should they?
It's not their problem to solve. It has nothing to do with them. It is none of their business. Their life cannot stop for me. And I don't intend to make it so.
But as it stands right now...I am unable to solve my own problems. I am either not mentally fit to solve them, or whatever I am trying isn't working. I believe it's a combination of both. And this is why I am unable to make social interaction work for me. I have too many problems. Problems that affect me to my very core.
If you are a member of any community I have been removed from, I wish to extend an apology for my behavior. I will not request a second chance, because I do not deserve one. Taking a step back and self-evaluating has taught me that I am not worth a second or maybe even a first chance. I'm too much of a danger and a bother to the people around me.
So, take this journal with a grain of salt, because by making it, I'm forcing you, the reader, to solve my problems too. Consider me a beggar, clad in filthy rags, crawling up to you and asking for spare change. That's essentially the reality.
At this point, I have nothing else to say. It's been said, through and through.