~ FINAL FANTASY XV - SQUARE ENIX
~ LUNAFREYA NOX FLEURET
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DEPRESSION : IT IS POSSIBLE TO RISE UP AGAIN
There’s 2 years ago, I wrote here a journal entry where I was talking about the major depression I went through. I talked about everyting that I lived because of that and how it was so difficult to deal with. In fact, I never even thought I could I live something like that in my life.
Today, I wanna talk more and once again about it. I already wrote stuff about my symptoms and else which you can read here :
~ It is Worth It.Since a few years now, I realise it got easier to talk about what I would like to talk here.
Since a few years now, I am finally able to say; "Yes, I am better and I wanna be ready for my futur".
Those words...are not so easy to think or to say but before everything, they are really hard TO DO.
Yes. We can think and say everything we want...it will not be easy the say to do what we think or say at the end. To be honest, I even think it is fucking hard and it is perfectly normal not to succeed when you try in a first place. But to try is already something hard too. We would like to try but we cannot. Not today. Not even tomorrow and to think about the future can be the worst pain ever.
Yes. For 6 years now, I have been diagnosed with a depression. To tell you the right words in my case: "A Major Depressive Disorder".
I have been diagnosed 6 years ago but the disease was already here in me a few years ago before those 6 years so it started earlier with some symptoms which I was not
It Is Worth It (French)Depuis quelques années maintenant, je me rends compte qu’il est devenu plus facile de parler de ce que j’aimerais vous parler ici.
Depuis quelques années maintenant, je peux enfin dire ; « Oui je vais mieux, oui, je suis prête pour mon futur ! ».
La réalité veut que ces mots ne sont pas facile à penser ou à dire….mais avant toutes choses, ils sont surtout très difficile à FAIRE.
Oui. On peut penser et dire ce que l’on veut…mais ce ne sera jamais facile de faire ce que l’on dit ou pense. L’action est difficile. Pour être honnête, je pense même que c’est TRES difficile et que c’est parfaitement normal de ne pas réussir quand l’on essait dans un premier temps. Mais essayer est déjà une chose difficile. On aimerait essayer mais on ne peut pas. Pas aujourd’hui. Encore moins demain et penser au futur peut être la dou
For 7 years now, I have been diagnosed with a depression. To tell you the right words in my case: "A Major Depressive Disorder".
I have been diagnosed 6 years ago but the disease was already here in me a few years ago before those 6 years so it started earlier with some symptoms which I was not able to understand or even to ACCEPT.
To sum up, this depression started to settle when I was 15 years old. I have been diagnosed when I was 20 years, maybe a bit more. After that, a lot of things happened. Some days where it was ok, other day when nothing was ok. And, of course, a looot of relapses and other troubles about my health which were very hard to deal with especially with my studies and responsibilities.
Yes, it is really difficult for people which never lived that to understand why it is impossible to shoulder our responsibilities when we are ill this way. I remembered I was scared to live and to shoulder everything. Culpability was very strong in my head but I could not do otherwise. It was impossible.
Because, major depression is truly like vicious circle when you can’t get away from. It is truly more than just sadness. It is something really deep where you can’t even see the depth…because the depth seem to be further when you think you touched it.
Some people believe it is enough to go out, take a breath and else…like the best cure for depression….but they are completely wrong. It is not enough. If it was enough, depression would not even exist. But it does and it is truly something hard to get away from.
I did get away from.
I feel so better today.
I still have my treatment…but I do feel very better.
And I would like to tell you, everybody who are suffering from that, that it is truly possible to get away from. To see the light again. To raise up again.
Of course, it is a very long path and it is really different for everybody. We all feel the pain differently according to who we are. Some people seem to believe that some stuff they are living is always worst than anybody else…but nothing is truly worst or better. It is just difficult to live through for the person. We are all different.
I believe depression has some symptoms which are very similar for everybody. But the way we’re going to feel them or to suffer from them will be different for everybody. The most important thing is not to know that there are „worst“ situations or best situation than yours….but to know how you can live through them and what you can do yourself to get better somehow.
Because I truly know we have our weapons to get better. But to find them or even to build them, we have to accept we need help and we need accept what is happening to us. Because yes, it is really difficult to say; „I am not ok. I need help“. It is like we all have a pride…but pride does not mean anything when we have too much wounds in our soul and heart. There comes a time when we need to rest for understanding what is happening to us.
It is a bit like to have a broken leg; Do not try to run, it won’t work, ya know? Allow your leg to recover, and than, walk, and than, run. EVEN if it seems to take forever for you, it will take the time YOU need for recovering, healing yourself.
We always say life is short; I would say it is long enough to take some time to rest and to recover from our own wounds. To live a life when we are broken is not worth it. To live when our light shines bright is really better and is worth a lot.
I know what I am talking about. I lived through this.
At that time, I decided with the help of my relatives and my friends, that I needed to see a therapist. That’s why I started seeing him. Ho I guess I have been lucky to find an awesome therapist…I always think he saved my life somehow. Today, for some reasons, I see another one, but it is still great.
So, for getting better, at first, try to see with our relatives or friends or people you trust, a therapist. They are truly helpful and not only people who are sitting on their chair and are looking at you with no words. It exists a lot of different therapy. Try to find yours! The one which will be helpful for you. But don’t do it alone. Try to seek help. No matter what.
One oft he worst trap with major depression ist the loneliness; You always think you are alone…but in reality, you are not. It is a vicious thought which is in your head like a poison. The worst thing is, you actually believe it. So you will be in a condition which is called „victim“ and it is really hard to get away from it. You do not listen to anybody. You believe that nobody can help your misery. You think you are alone and stuck forever and you cannot get away from it no matter what you do.
But….you are not really alone. Actually, you can seek help. You can DECIDE to seek help. You have the RIGHT to ask for help. You have the right not to be ok. To say „I am not ok at all“.
I only know when you accepted that you are not ok….then you allowed something to start getting better. The path for recovering started.
At that time, when I have been diagnosed. I know I stopped my studies because nothing was ok. I really needed to rest. I remembered my mum and my sister helped me a lot. Some of my family relatives did not understand my disease. Not at all. They were like: „She needs a wake-up call“. But…that was the trap! If you tried „to shake me“…that was where you could lose me forever.
I did not need that. I needed to rest at first. You know, when you have a major depression, it it really hard to face ourself. It is even impossible because something in us is really scary and it is different for each of us.
I know the « break » took 1 year at first and after that, we tried to find something to keep me active somehow. Well, it seems weird to say….but actually, tob e active can help a lot to get better. Yes. People who are suffering from depression are struggling with something strong: Tob e active….because they want tob e active! But they cannot do it….at least, not at the beginning. But then, when you accepted you are not ok…it is possible to open a door to that ; To be active.
So at that time, we decided that I should work with children. I started working in a Kindergarten with 2-3 years old children. Of course, it was not that easy at all. It was even really difficult….but I remembered…something started getting better anyway. Tob e honest, I must thank heaven to have allowed to do that anyway and to have met some lovely people who helped me.
I always think I have been lucky somehow…but it does not make the path to recovering less difficult. It was hard, a long path when I was always about to lose hope.
But I did not lose hope.
So to see my therapist, to get a treatment (really important, I don’t think we have to be against the medicines for a depression….it is really important and they do help, trust me) and to try to keep myself active were really important to me. In fact, to see what could keep me safe and up was really important too.
That’s why I suggest people to have a look on their life and to check what keep them alive and well. We all have things which is called « pillars » in our life and IT.IS.REALLY.IMPORTANT. It is hard to keep them when you feel you are about to lose them….but….if you feel the slightest drop of light in a hobby or else…which is able to keep you safe….just take it and keep it as it was the most precious stone in the world.
If I am talking about all those things…it is because I keep seeing people who are suffering from that…
and I want to tell them….that it is possible to get away from it. It is possible to raise up again. It is possible to recover and to reach a day where you’ll be saying : « Ho, I am ok ».
Like I love saying:
I could not tell you why I decided to love the life one day.
I could not tell you why I decided to love who I am.
I could not even tell you why it is so important to love who you are and to love the life. Why we must live no matter what.
I only know...
...When you are able to see the beautiful smiles of your family, of your friends, of people around you and of yourself in the mirror.
When you are able to see the sunrise each morning and you are able to write a new page each day.
When you are able to stand on your two feet and make your dreams come true.
When you are able to build who you are step by step.
When you are able to believe in you...
When you are able to accept...
...It is worth it.
I wanna tell you people,.
You can recover. You can get better.
Keep seeking help. Don’t believe that you are alone. You’re not.
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