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Officer Brenda

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Officer Brenda "Badass" Batson. The terror of the Diamond City Police Department (get it? "DCPD"? lol).

Before Officer Brenda arrived Diamond City was a wretched hive of scum and villainy. The police were overworked and understaffed. Every member of the city government was in the pocket of the mob, right down to the postmaster. And citizens lived in fear of the criminals who freely walked the streets at night.

Then along came Officer Brenda Batson, hailing from parts unknown. With her drum magazine assault rifle, Dragunov sniper rifle, combat shotgun, and her trusty 9mm pistol she embarked on a one-woman mission to clean up the streets...by any means necessary!

Don't let that cheerful smile fool you. She's got nerves of steel and the eyes of a hawk. On her first day on the force a perp tried to run from her. She dropped him at 100 meters with two pistol rounds through the backs of his knees, then calmly walked over to where he was writhing on the ground in pain, stepped on his neck with her six-inch heels, and politely asked him to surrender.

And yes, that is the uniform she wears when fighting crime. It's not a regulation uniform, but her superiors don't dare reprimand her for it.

Officer Brenda Facts:

- A mob hit squad once tried to break into Officer Brenda's apartment and murder her in her sleep. They were never heard from again.

- Officer Brenda does not wear body armor. Bullets are naturally afraid of her.

- The psych ward of the Diamond City hospital has an entire wing set aside for suspects who try to resist Officer Brenda's interrogations. They spend all day screaming "That's all I know! That's all I know! DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN THAT'S ALL I KNOW!"

- Once the mob tried to assassinate the Chief of Police by poisoning his coffee. Officer Brenda saved his life by sniping the bottom out of the cup from her apartment window. From 1500 meters away. While eating breakfast.

- They say Officer Brenda had asthma as a child. Then she kicked asthma's ass, ate its raw flesh, and ran 200 miles off the energy it gave her. In high heels.

- Officer Brenda has injured or killed more suspects in the line of duty than any other officer. But she has never been cited for police brutality. The courts have officially ruled anyone who goes up against Officer Brenda as a suicide.

- Officer Brenda adds ground glass to her food. For the flavor.

- Officer Brenda always smiles. You don't want to know what happens if she stops smiling. You don't want to know...

- On weekends Officer Brenda indulges in her favorite sport. Shark-punching.

- In the winter Officer Brenda carves ice sculptures. With a flamethrower.

- A vampire once tried to drink Officer Brenda's blood. He exploded.

- Officer Brenda was once bitten by a werewolf. The werewolf was cured instantly.

- Chuck Norris has a poster of Officer Brenda in his bedroom.

- Officer Brenda is forbidden from participating in the Diamond City Independence Day fireworks display after her first contribution destroyed the football stadium.

- Bruce Lee is not dead. He's been on the run from the law ever since Officer Brenda found out he smokes cannabis.

- No amount of preparation time will ever allow Batman to defeat Officer Brenda.

- Officer Brenda once challenged the Hypnotoad to a staring contest. And won.

- Officer Brenda enjoys the sparkly vampires of Twilight. She wears their skins as jewelry.

- The reason there are no more dinosaurs is because Officer Brenda had it up to here with their shit.

- Officer Brenda knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

- Jack Bauer has saved millions of lives on at least 5 occasions. Officer Brenda thinks he's an underachiever.

- Ever wonder why so many young men die in their prime? Officer Brenda doesn't.

- There are 206 bones in the human body. Officer Brenda knows how to break all of them. Even the little bones in the ears. Especially the little bones in the ears.

- Officer Brenda snipes the outer planets of the solar system for fun. This is why Pluto is no longer a planet.

- Lesbians are women who have met Officer Brenda.

- Officer Brenda has a hot body, but she won't hold it against you. That would be unprofessional.

- Officer Brenda sleeps with a pillow under her gun.

- Officer Brenda is the reason Jack Sparrow's rum is always gone. Officer Brenda does not approve of alcohol.

- The reason America hasn't won the War on Terror is because Officer Brenda is terror incarnate.

- Officer Brenda can clap with one hand.

- Godzilla attacked Japan because he heard Officer Brenda was building a beach house on Monster Island.

- Jesus has a WWOBD bracelet.

- A rogue unicorn once thought it was a cool joke to keep poking Officer Brenda with his horn. It is not a coincidence that unicorns are now only a myth.

- Officer Brenda likes to knit sweaters in her spare time. And by knit we mean kick. And by sweaters we mean bears.

- Officer Brenda knows all the digits of Pi. She won't tell anyone, because those mathematicians are getting lazy.


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Do you know any Officer Brenda Facts? Tell them in the comments.

EDIT: Added a shotgun. Because Officer Brenda needs a shotgun.

EDIT2: Someone pointed out that the barrel of the assault rifle doesn't quite line up with her left hand, so I repositioned it so it did. I also cleaned up the area under the right arm.
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Comments9
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Jozilla877's avatar
Ladies and gentlemen we have the r63 Chuck Norris!
-Officer Brenda is the first discovered 100% cure for cancer; she just has to walk into the room and those rogue cells start behaving.
torgon02's avatar
-Someone once told Officer Brenda that you can't change peoples hearts with a gun to which she replied "obviously you haven't tried firing it"
-When Officer Brenda catches a cold, she puts in a choke hold until it learns it's lesson
-Charlton Heston won't give up his gun because he needs something in case he runs into Officer Brenda
japookins's avatar
i like the pose and expression ^^
Doornik1142's avatar
Thanks :D

Do you have any Officer Brenda Facts to share?
japookins's avatar
other than i love a woman that knows how to use a gun >..>
something about a woman in uniform ^^
Kethrian's avatar
Oh, this'll be easy to add to! I've just gotta reword some "scrapperisms".

- Officer Brenda attacks once, and half the gang collapses in fear.
- Officer Brenda has found six different ways to dismember violent criminals with a ceiling fan.
- Officer Brenda would sooner attack Jell-O than eat it, it just won't stop jiggling...
- Officer Brenda celebrates Thanksgiving Day by giving thanks for the bounty of thugs she is about to bring in.
- Officer Brenda thinks bathroom breaks are a waste of precious killing time.
- Officer Brenda shoots her enemies so their bodies make designs as she plows through them.
- The last time Officer Brenda went to confession, she said, "I have killed many sinners, no need to thank me."
- Officer Brenda considers arch-villains a warm-up.
- Officer Brenda brings her own body bags.
- Officer Brenda stopped caring why there is a hearse constantly following her.
- Officer Brenda has wiped out an entire building full of criminals while the SWAT team was still talking about tactics.
- Officer Brenda knows violence isn't the answer, she got it wrong on purpose.
Raver1357's avatar
Officer Brenda shot twenty-six criminals in her first week, with a single bullet, fired once.

Officer Brenda doesn't own a car. She prefers to ride grizzly bears.

Officer Brenda beat Zangief at arm wrestling. With her big toe.

Officer Brenda is a virgin. Not from lack dates, but anyone that sees her naked has an instant orgasm so large that their lungs collapse.

Officer Brenda managed to sit through every single episode of The Office.

... That's hardcore.
Doornik1142's avatar
Heh. That virgin one kinda torpedoed an Officer Brenda Fact I just thought of.

- Only one man on Earth has managed to please Officer Brenda in bed. Robocop.
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