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Going into the new year I expected it to be a bad one. It seems I was correct to assume so. 2018 has been nothing but garbage so far not only with all the drama going on online but also for me at home. I had a rough start to college back in the fall, not getting the highest grade in one of my classes, but fortunately I haven't failed anything. Sadly, I was informed that I wasn't eligible for financial aid and ended up getting dropped from all of my freaking classes. So last Friday, I spent so many hours wandering around my college campus trying to get this taken care of with getting permission from instructors and filling out all the forms.

I managed to get back in, and started doing the assignments that I was able to view after that. Everything was going great until last night when I was working on an assignment. I had just finished it and was getting ready to turn it in (all of my assignments get turned in online). I clicked on the courses tab of the  website and my classes weren't on the list. I checked the page after to see if that was just a small error, but no, ALL of my classes were gone AGAIN. This meant I had to take care of this crap a second time.

After a long phone call this morning, I had to go back to campus and wander around trying to get permission from instructors and complete a form for the second time this quarter. Sadly, the instructors weren't on campus but I was able to get their permission to get back in after someone on staff gave them phone calls. I turned a second add classes form into the office today and I'm now back in. I'm still a little upset that several hours were taken away from me (which I was supposed to use to clean at home) because my status wasn't checked before the drop. It wasn't even just me that was dropped, several others were to but for a different reason: apparently, some glitch in the system caused several others to get dropped.

But enough about school. What else is going on with me? Well, since it's a new year, I have some new things planned. On my YouTube channel I got some collaborations planned and I don't usually do stuff like that. I have an idea of what people I want to work with; I just have to see if they'll say yes. There are different types of content planned too. For example, last year I said I was considering talking about anime on my channel and have some things scripted already. I can't make any promises for when any of my stuff will come out because honestly, I don't know when the stuff will come out. This applies to my YouTube channel and even the visual novel I announced a while back, "Fixing Things".

At the moment, I am still unsure as to whether or not that will be the final title or if this year will even be the year it comes out. If I make a decent amount of progress, I'll probably make some kind of announcement by the end of the year. But what can be said about it that I haven't really said before? Well, I'm not entirely sure. I'm a bit hesitant with sharing details on major projects like this. I've even considered releasing a demo but I fear if the majority of people that played the demo (if it were released) ended up not liking it, I may have to re-write the majority of the script and as much as I believe that I great amount of effort will [usually] result in something good, I don't want to have to start all over or come close to that.

In the end, I just want to finish telling my story with my characters. I've already completed most of Act 1. Now I'm working on Acts 2+, where things will get more serious. There is some filler in the game, but let's be honest, what visual novel doesn't have at least a little bit of filler? Even Katawa Shoujo had scenes that didn't contribute to its plot. However, I intend for most of the game to have something to do with the story. In the end, I'm not sure how the game will look. I'm not sure what UI it will have or if it will even have the same sprites. I could live it with what it has now if I feel I like it enough. I already know I'm not changing the music. Anyways, I think that's it for now. I'll try to keep everyone updated on what's going on with me whenever anything comes up.
  • Listening to: Etrian Odyssey 2 Untold: The Fafnir Knight OST
  • Reading: Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
  • Watching: Gabriel Dropout
  • Playing: Etrian Odyssey 2 Untold: The Fafnir Knight
  • Eating: Mini Tacos
  • Drinking: Water
It's certainly been a while since I've done one of these updates and a lot has happened since then, so I figured now is as good a time as any to say something. I had one of the longest summers that I've ever had, not only that but it was one of the worst. Every day was another day of screaming at my younger sisters who I am ten years older than and wondering if I would eventually lose my damn mind. I even hit some days where I had been feeling worse than ever and often found myself lying down for several minutes doing nothing on multiple occasions.

Over the summer, I tried doing a YouTube video schedule where I would put out three videos a week. It was going fine for a while but then one week I ended up getting sick and was only able to put one video out that week. It wasn't much later that I started dealing with some personal shit that led to me making an update video with details on what was going on and why after that I would be taking some time off from YouTube. In the video, I mentioned how at home it didn't matter how hard I worked on anything; it was just assumed that I was screwing around 100% of the time.

My family doesn't understand anything about me. They often think they know what's going on, but they're wrong. Always. One of these things is the fact that I have OCD, which causes me to perform certain actions. The first part is that I wash my hands frequently and am often told that I use too much soap or take too long to wash my hands (for the most part, I can't really argue with this), however they don't understand why I do it or why certain activities make me feel like I have to wash my hands. My OCD doesn't stop there. If I've performed an action such as turning my computer off or even washing my hands, I have to keep checking to make sure I've actually done that. Even if it's obvious and there's clear evidence left behind, I'm still checking.

While on the subject of hand-washing, my hands have another issue: a rare condition known as Cutaneous Adherence Syndrome. The condition causes my hands to feel sticky all the time and no matter what I do I can't get the feeling to go away. I've been to a dermatologist more than once and most of the stuff he suggested didn't work. Eventually, my mother found a type of lotion that I've been using daily. It helps a little, so I can work, type, and play games for a bit but it doesn't last all day. At the very least, it's better than nothing but it's not too great. The condition itself is NOT curable (unless cause is known (certain drugs), but in my case it's not) and can really only be treated. The worst part is I feel my hands are worse mid-2017 than they were mid-2016. Now I'm worried that they could end up worse in 2018.

After a while, I decided to go back to making videos despite feeling the same but not going with a set schedule and just uploading when something is ready. How I'm feeling isn't always consistent. Some days, I feel somewhat okay and other days I wish I wasn't even alive. A statement like the last statement would probably freak some people out, but I'd like to make something clear: I don't intend to kill myself. Ever. If I die, I don't want it to be my own fault. Honestly, I never thought I'd live as long as I have because well I didn't think I'd be prepared to live out in the "real world" but here I am now, a legal adult and I'm not prepared at all. Honestly, if I was ready to move out of my parents' house, I would have packed my shit and left already. Even when I was a kid, I didn't think I'd live as long as I have. For ages, I've had self-esteem issues and it DOES NOT MATTER to anyone I live with. None of them give a shit. Probably because it's their fault.

Honestly, I could give a recap of what else has been bothering me that I've said in past journal entries, but the thing is I don't want to be redundant even though most of those issues are still true. One thing I can update on though, is my loneliness. I've graduated from high school and there are some people I haven't seen since graduation. For some of these people, it's whatever but there were others who I can say were more important to me. Not knowing if I'll ever see them again - knowing it's most likely that I won't, hurts.

What hurts even more is when I can't stop thinking about, especially one specific person I knew. I don't know what they're doing know or if they're ever going to read any of my stuff or watch any of my videos, but if it does happen well, I don't know. Since I've graduated high school and it's now Fall, I'm a colllege student. I've been wanting to move on and try not to worry about the past, but it's hard. There are too many things I can't forget and don't really want to forget. Even so, the memories still hurt. At college, I don't really have anyone talk to - no friends at all. I'm pretty much just a guy in the background. I may have a few acquaintances from high school there (a couple are in one my classes), but they don't really ever acknowledge my presence.

I just show up every day there are classes, not talk to anyone unless I have to for an assignment or something, and then go home. I only have class four days a week, and only a few classes. One of my classes I only have two days a week, leaving me a full hour free. However, since I don't really have anyone talk to, I don't really have anything interesting to do. Most of the time, I end up just walking around campus for a bit. I'm not the greatest I've ever been and there's a chance that I'll feel sad the rest of my life. There's not much I can do about that. Anyways, that's all for now.
  • Listening to: Maroon 5
  • Reading: Definitely Not Books
  • Watching: My Hero Academia
  • Playing: Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
  • Eating: Food Probably
  • Drinking: Water
A visual novel I've been working on since late November 2016 has finally had some details revealed!

Fixing Things (Tentative Title?) [Slice Of Life/Drama]


Image

Amos is disappointed with how his life has been going. Little does he know, someone will enter his life and make him experience something different on his final first day of school. The kind of guy that always looks at the negative parts of life ends up interacting with a cheerful girl which contributes to annoying him. Will he be able to put up with her or will he just end up pushing her away? 

More details to come in the near future. Full version will be available to download for free whenever the heck it's done.

Characters
Image
Cara
Cara is caring, optimistic and cheerful. Her personality always annoys Amos, who’s not used to being cared about.

Image
Arthur
Arthur is Amos’ older brother that happens to be cheerful no matter what. However, he doesn’t understand what others are feeling most of the time and screws around a lot. He also has a habit of making people feel like they’re losing brain cells.

Image
Penny
Penny is Amos’ younger sister who happens to be sad all the time, causing most of the things to come out of her mouth seem very dark. Her behavior ends up concerning Amos and Arthur.

Amos
Amos suffers from depression and feels lonely all the time because of everything that he has been through in his life. This causes him to be agitated about a lot of things especially happy people and anything that has to do with the future.


Backgrounds Used
PumpkinGlitters (CC 4.0: creativecommons.org/licenses/b…
Uncle Mugen 
Auro-Cyanide 

Sprites Used
akareeed [Penny]
pikarei/wonpei [Cara, Arthur] (CC 3.0: creativecommons.org/licenses/b…)

Links
None yet.
  • Listening to: Maroon 5
  • Reading: Notes For My VN
  • Watching: The World God Only Knows
  • Playing: Tomodachi Life
  • Eating: Burgers
  • Drinking: Milk
My second album is set to come out on July 5th this year! Here are the tracks on the album.

1. Choose A Player
2. Walking On The Moon
3. Thinking Under Pressure
4. A Childish Leader
5. Battlefield - Ready To Fight
6. Boss Encounter
7. Drum Beat
8. Snowy Mountain
9. Trash Has Memories
10. Beautiful Dying Self
11. Life Of A Tough Guy
12. The Time That Has Gone By
13. Jingle ~ Ends At A Cliffhanger

Deluxe Edition Bonus Tracks:
14. Circuit OS
15. Sad Dog Story
16. Ace Attorney 7
  • Listening to: My Own Music
  • Reading: Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair
  • Watching: Ouran High School Host Club
  • Playing: Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair
  • Eating: Steak
  • Drinking: Water
Until very recently, I hadn't put a whole lot of thought into it. After being alive for more than eighteen years and having fourteen different best friends at different points in my life, I really started to wonder what makes someone your best friend? I had my own ideas, but I really wanted to know what other people had to say about it and nearly all of them said something that had to do with trust, which can be for many different things. For example, I trust most of my acquaintances enough to not kill me for no reason.

Anyways, obviously, most people would probably trust their friends more than their acquaintances with larger stuff like secrets or holding their stuff. I've definitely trusted my best friends more than I've trusted anyone else. A while back, I made a list of all the best friends I had in the past and only about four of them really ever did anything
that really stuck out to me - things that no one else had done, really. I've also put a lot of thought into what counted as a best friend in my eyes, since I hadn't really been able to think about what made most of my best friends even be best friends in the first place.

No matter what though, the time spent with them is very important, and I usually consider those I'm around the most to be my best friends. How you feel about your friends is also very important. How are they to? How are you to them? One of my best friends actually ended up becoming my friend after I started doing stuff for him (retrieving books and stuff). Later on, he would be the one to listen to me when I was having problems. I don't see or talk to him as much these days, but fortunately, we still get to talk to each other every now and then. Lastly, I strongly believe it helps to have similar interests, which really helps with starting conversations. The fourteen best friends I've had obviously, were different people and each off them liked and disliked different things.

From past experience, I know that it's not always going to be mutual. Most of my best friends, I don't know exactly how they felt about me, but I'm sure some of it was one-sided. Even know, I don't know. Anyways, you may consider someone to be your best friend, but they might not think they same about you. However, that shouldn't change your opinion of them. If they're that important of a friend to you, you should be happy to say that they're YOUR best friend, even if they wouldn't say the same about you. In the end, you really just have to be the best person you can be and maybe they will one day think of you that way. Besides, if that person is your friend in the first place, you should be lucky to even call them a friend.

Best friends can be hard for some people to get, and for some people like myself, to keep. As I said earlier, up to this point in my life, I've had a total of fourteen different best friends, and like their personalities and opinions, their gender wasn't always the same. Best friends really should be the friends that are the most important to you - the friends that you care about the most. What have they done for you? What have you done for them? No matter what, it's important that your best friends have traits you need them to have, whether it be them trusting you, or
them caring, or anything else. Anyways, this is just what I think...
  • Listening to: Red String Of Fate OST
  • Reading: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Spirit of Justice
  • Watching: K-On!!
  • Playing: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Spirit of Justice
  • Eating: Salad
  • Drinking: Water
It's not over. Some days, I honestly wonder why I'm even here. I never asked to be brought into existence and often wonder if it would be best for me to not exist or just never had existed in the first place. My life had a decent start, but it's come to a point where there's not much more I can do. These past few years of my life have really been nothing but hard on me for multiple reasons. Nothing but problems and frustrations have presented themselves for the most part. Lately, I've had a lot of things on my mind which have to do with the future and honestly, I have no idea where the hell I'll be.

There are a few questions about the future that I have including where I'm going to be and what I'll be doing, but I'm also concerned about who still be there - who will still be in my life by that point. I do have a good friend that I worry about the possibility of never seeing again because we don't really have each other's contact information or anything like that. The thing is I just never know what a good time would be or their reaction would be. There are just far too many things I'm uncertain about. Keeping friends a part of my life is something I've always struggled with, especially with the ones most important to me. Up to this point, I've had about fourteen different best friends (some may have been one-sided and I'm not sure on some others) at different points in my life.

I don't really know if this is affected how I'm doing with anything in school, but I do know that I feel as if I have been cursed. I've always been lazy and struggled to actually get myself to actually work on assignments, but I've gotten even worse about it. It's been much harder to actually get myself to do anything and when I do get to work, I'm not very good at making progress. The times I really need to think, I can't even fucking think. Mostly, this has come up with writing assignments and now it just takes far too long to get an idea and get going from that. Once I start actually writing, I keep stopping, unsure of how to continue. When I do write anything, I feel like it's complete shit, which disappointing because I used to be really good at pulling shit out of my ass at the last minute and now I can't even get anywhere in the first.

I don't really know anything about anything anymore. I'm so damn uncertain that the only thing I can be certain about is how uncertain I am about just about everything. Honestly, I truly feel like I've accomplished everything I can in life and like I don't really belong here. I feel trapped on a planet that I can no longer do anything on. I'm truly stuck on everything, which is a huge problem, because I keep trying to do things on my own. I don't know what others think about me, but I'm sure that some people don't think I give a damn about my future. I still don't even know what I'm doing after high school and I only have a semester of it left.

I don't really know what to do. I've been hurt and am still hurting from the many events that occurred these past few years, but now thoughts of the future are hurting me even more. Honestly, I don't think many, if any of my real life friends, actually read these. I truly don't know what they'd think. I have told the good friend I mentioned earlier about these, though. I don't really know what I should be concerned about the most. No matter what, the future is looking terrible. One of my biggest fears is just becoming a lonely guy that lives in the basement of his house that mostly just plays VNs to in an attempt to emulate what he can't have in real life. Talking about how I feel in real life I've always found challenging and somehow, I've found that just writing on the internet works just fine for me.

There are a lot of things I wish just never happened and there are somethings I definitely wish had or would. I honestly sometimes wish I had never broken a bone in my body, but the one wish I have all the time, is my stupid fucking bullshit medical condition: Cutaneous Adherence Syndrome. I've been living more than a year with my hands feeling sticky all the damn time and I've been to a dermatologist once. I was given stuff to use that didn't do shit for me. Honestly, it sort of made my hands actually feel worse. The good news is, these weekend, I'll be going back for another appointment, but I fear it won't do much for me. My life is nothing more than never ending hell and it's made me become an angry, sad, and worthless piece of shit. Sometimes, I want to cry, but recently I realized that somehow, I'm now incapable of doing so. I fear the rest of my life could end up being terrible.
  • Listening to: Red String Of Fate OST
  • Reading: The Great Gatsby
  • Watching: Minecraft Hardcore Season 5
  • Playing: Red String Of Fate
  • Eating: Sheppard's Pie
  • Drinking: Milk
I'm working on re-branding my channel for next year, but mainly because my review series will be starting its next season. I'm very inexperienced with making artwork or anything like that, so I'm asking for some help. Unfortunately, I cannot pay for any of these positions, but to be fair, I'm not making any money off of YouTube. Anyways, if there are any of these that I'm unable to get, so be it. The things I'll need will be listed below.

Show Templates: Superaj3
Avatar: TBD
Opening Theme: YouTube
Intro: Dollarluigi
*End Theme: Dollarluigi
  • Listening to: Maroon 5
  • Reading: Fahrenheit 451
  • Watching: RWBY
  • Playing: My Nintendo Picross: LoZ - Twilight Princess
  • Eating: Taco Salad
  • Drinking: Water
The year is almost over and if I'm completely honest about it, it's been really fucking terrible. At the very least, things have improved slightly near the end. I seem to keep thinking about stuff - specifically how things have changed and continue to change. This includes stuff like the fact that I don't have the same
friends I had a few years ago, and I only talk to a few of the friends that I had last year. I remember walking around the halls at school, alone a few years ago, when I ended up losing these friends and just feeling very distant from everyone I knew at the time.

I came back to school this year, feeling somewhat lonely, not certain how or if I would be okay. No matter what, I end up with new friends every year, but I only know them for so long. They're usually out of my life after a few years. Since nearly every one I've considered to be one of my best friends has gone, lately, I have often wondered what the point to having those kinds of relationships with people is when it just never lasts. No matter what, it just happens again and again though. I've found it weird how I can just stay in one spot in my life and everyone else just comes and goes.

I went into this year, knowing that I'd have to start over for the millionth time. I don't really feel lonely anymore, so things are okay, I'm just a bit worried about who I'm going to see again and who I'm not going to see again after this year. Honestly, I feel like I have even less time left these days. Things are somewhat
okay, now. At the beginning of the year, I really hated everything just hated life, and now I'm just trying to relax telling myself things are going to be fine as everything just continues to fall apart. At least, I've been able to somewhat repair one of the things that fell apart a year ago.

Another issue I've been having is my hands, but I've talked about that I don't know how many times. Anyways, I still have the stupid fucking condition and I fear I may just be stuck with it for the rest of my life. I really wish things would change, but no matter what happens, good luck is very rare in my life, and usually does nothing but give me false hope for the future. I want things to improve in the future, but I don't know if they will, or if ever I'll recover from the damage I've received in 2015 and 2016...
  • Listening to: Lucid9: Inciting Incident OST
  • Reading: Professor Layton and the Unwound Future
  • Watching: RWBY
  • Playing: Professor Layton and the Unwound Future
  • Eating: Pizza
  • Drinking: Water
Back when I was a little kid, I never thought things would get as messed up as they did. I never expected to go through events as painful as the ones I went through, both physically and emotionally. Back in those days, I actually felt happiness, and hell, I kind of actually liked living life back then. Even when I started high school, I still knew this emotion, but as the years went by, it just became more painful to live. Not only did my family get more strict and less understanding of me, but I lost several friends for various reasons.

Some were assholes, and others I just grew apart from. Hell, I've even tried to forgive the assholes only to grow apart in the end, however, I'm not really worried about them anymore. My junior year of high school was when shit hit the fan really hard. I ended up despising my family and questioning a lot of the relationships I had with people. No matter what I did, I felt worthless, and was told my efforts were shit, so that kind of contributed to that. Because of the events from a year ago, I try to talk to my family as little as possible and well, I don't have the same friend group I originally had. Pretty much everyone from the original group I had a few years ago is gone.

For the longest time, I felt alone, like nobody actually gave a shit, until I broke my arm. It felt weird to have people care, but I didn't end up feeling better about myself, because I realized it was really just sympathy. The people I talked to regularly a year ago, I don't even talk to anymore, really. Either they left and there's no way for us to communicate anymore or we just grew apart. Then, there's the best friend I had my first few years of high school. At this point, it's pretty much over. I've tried contacting him, but he has not responded to anything I've sent, so I don't have a best friend.

I wondered if that would change or if it is going to change in the future, but I really don't know. To be honest, I don't even know what got the previous several best friends of mine to even be my best friends, so I don't really know what I have to do now, or if I'm even going to do anything. It's true that I've made new friends, but they're just friends at this point. I've had several best friends in the past - like twelve or thirteen, and they're all gone, and I don't know if I'm going to even have a best friend this year or not.

All I know is that I'm tired of starting over. Every few years, I ended up with a different best friend or two, and the old ones just vanish for the most part. The ones that don't vanish usually become too distant or have way too many differences. When it comes to making new friends, I'm not really that good at it, but I manage to do it every year somehow. In most of my classes, I don't really talk to anyone. With everything that's been going on in my social life for the past couple of months, I've had some questions in my head such as "What does 'close' even mean?" and "What qualifies as normal?"

I've noticed some people seem to have a very different view on the word "close" that I do. To be honest, I believe there is a HUGE difference between friends and close friends, so when someone refers to me as a "close friend", I get confused. As for what I mean by the latter question, well, interesting things have been happening, such as learning the secret to get girls to talk to you, which is apparently doing nothing. Then, there's who I sit with in the cafeteria. I started off alone and then a few people started sitting with me after some time. At the very least, my social life seems to be somewhat improving.

To be honest, I'm more likely to just think than actually come up with an answer for anything. In the past several months, I feel like I've spent more time thinking than actually doing anything else. Occasionally, my mind will go back to the visual novels I played during the summer, and it'll even go back to visual novels I played before then, because I have a habit of thinking about the life lessons taught in most of the visual novels I play. I think about what I have and what I lack, and then I usually stop worrying about it after a few days.

Visual novels often remind me of internal problems I have, but I also have other things to deal with. In November 2015, I ended up with a condition known as palmar hyperhidrosis, which would eventually lead to the cutaneous adherence syndrome I'm dealing with now. If you're wondering, palmar hyperhidrosis is a condition in which one's palms sweat excessively (I still have it, but it's more mild), and cutaneous adherence syndrome is where a part of the body (in this case, my palms) feels very sticky no matter what. So, I suffer from a rare condition that is as far as I know, incurable. It's very disappointing because it's very uncomfortable, which is why I haven't played video games like I used to. It's one thing to use a keyboard or stylus, but holding any kind of controller
is just too uncomfortable for me.

I've already seen a dermatologist, and now I'm supposed to use Drysol every week, but honestly, it doesn't do shit. Speaking of not doing shit, I don't really do shit either. I hardly ever get work done (same for school AND YouTube). I don't really know how long I'll have this rare condition - it could be months, years, or even the rest of my life. I don't know how long I'll have depression either, but as long as I've not fully recovered from the events of last year, I'm going to remain this way.
  • Listening to: Katawa Shoujo OST
  • Reading: Hotel Dusk: Room 215
  • Watching: RWBY
  • Playing: Hotel Dusk: Room 215
  • Eating: Salad
  • Drinking: Water
Life is hard. In a way, it seems that I can never catch a break from anything. In the end, I'm not really happy with anything anymore. I'm alive, but I'm not really sure how to feel about that since all it means is I have to deal with more shit. But anyways, I'm not killing myself for numerous reasons, but I'm still just really fucking tired. I dropped out of some stuff this year, because I wanted to decrease the amount of stress I'd have to deal with, and what a good fucking idea that was... if I hadn't, well, I probably wouldn't have my sanity anymore, or at least, what remains of it.

Summer vacation is over, and I'm disappointed that I couldn't experience the same feelings I felt a summer prior. Back when I changed the direction of my YouTube channel, and started making reviews and stuff, I was actually extremely calm and not really upset about anything. I haven't felt anything like that since then. The more recent summer, I was too worried about medical problems and the school year that was coming up. One of the biggest reasons I couldn't go back to that state I was once in, is a condition I've suffered got worse and I talked about it multiple times. Basically what it is, is my hands always feel sticky no matter what I do. Anyways, I saw a dermatologist recently who told me a lot of things I already knew from research I did.

The condition is rare - that much I already knew, but the problem with that is it makes it really difficult to identify what triggers this condition. There were some things he recommended for me, but apparently, getting the stuff I need for my hands is a little difficult or something. Anyways, I had to go most of my summer dealing with this, and before the summer ended, I found out my best friend would be going to another school. Although, I can't really say I'm surprised since this kind of thing happens to me often. Hell, he's not the only one of my friends that I don't go to school with anymore. Nearly everyone from my usual friend group is gone. Even those that still remain, I don't really talk to much anymore, since I can no longer keep anything going with them, really.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any friends, but I don't talk to the ones I've had for a while as often as I used to. I have met a few people this year, though, so that's something. I even started talking to someone who was my best friend back in Kindergarten again, so that's also something, I guess. When it comes to other people, I often don't really know how I should feel or what I even want to feel. Perhaps it's just because I'm introverted? I'm not the best when it comes to making friends, and a lot of the people I actually talk to have interests very different from mine. There are some similarities here and there, but that's about it. When it comes to my classes, I don't have a lot friends in most of them, to be honest.

The classes themselves aren't that bad, but most I talk to hardly anyone or just about no one. On top of all this though, I got all kinds of shit to worry about. I have tests to study for, for example. I'm also 18 now, so apparently, I'm an adult. Honestly, I don't like it, but perhaps that's just because I'm used to having little to no responsibilities at all. I also don't have a driver's license and was pushed on getting a permit earlier this month, but, it never happened. To be honest, I was never too worried about that in the first place. I just want to somehow get through school with decent grades, and actually have time to figure out what the hell I'm doing when I'm done with it. Honestly, I sometimes feel like things are moving too quickly, and it really bothers me.
  • Listening to: Lucid9: Inciting Incident OST
  • Reading: Ace Attorney Fanfiction
  • Watching: Ace Attorney (Anime)
  • Playing: Kersploosh
  • Eating: Cereal
  • Drinking: Water
    It's certainly been a while since my last update on life and stuff, and with the new school year coming up, I figured now would be a good time, especially since there are definitely going to be some differences. For example, my best friend is going to a different school so I'll be seeing less and less of him. The sad thing is that this kind of thing happens to me all the time, so I'm not really surprised it happened again, but I'm still disappointed.

    As for how I feel in general, well, not too great. A lot of the feelings I left school with last year, I still have. It was quite a stressful time for me. In fact, I know that's where my hyperhidrosis came from, which if you've never heard of it before, is a condition which causes a part of the body to sweat excessively. For me, it's my hands, and because of that, for me, it would be called palmar hyperhidrosis. While my hands don't sweat as much these days, they always feel sticky no matter what, and this is a side-effect caused by hyperhidrosis. Anyways, this condition can be caused by I'm not sure how many things, but I know one of them is stress, so you should know where I'm going with this.

    This condition makes it really hard for me. It becomes really uncomfortable to hold a pencil for handwritten stuff, and I'm way too uncomfortable to hold a controller, so I can't really be the gamer I once was. Typing and using my computer and general is slightly uncomfortable, but I guess I'm able to do it because I'm technically not holding something. Back on the topic of how the condition was caused, I blame my family. If you've been following along with my updates, then you should know exactly what I'm talking about. They've pushed me far too hard and it hasn't gotten anyone anywhere. It just got me to fail and end up with depression.

    I feel like I'm treated like shit a lot of the time, honestly. It really doesn't help that I've had self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember: it's not uncommon for me to call myself useless or an idiot. Ever since I got stuck in my current state though, I've lost interest in what used to be my usual daily activities, felt sadness and emptiness, constantly felt down, had lots of trouble concentrating and making difficult decisions, felt incapable, got less productive and effective, felt a bit of guilt here and there, and I've been stuck worrying about the past a lot. I know that moving on becomes necessary at one point in one's life, but I'm actually stuck here. I want to move on, but I can't if it'll just lead to a shitty present.

    In the past, I know I liked my life a lot more. I wasn't pushed too hard, I never had a problem with any of the relationships I had, and I didn't feel so damn miserable all the time, but time has a way of changing people, I guess. There are many things I had in the past that I wish I still had, which includes some of the friends I had made many years ago, who were arguably the best friends I ever had compared to anyone else who would come in the future. Unfortunately that's just how my life is: friends just come and go, which is probably part of the reason that I don't really feel close to anyone. What's the point of getting close to someone if you're only going to know them for so long?

    The friends I've had in the more recent years, just don't feel very significant. I know it sounds a bit cruel, but it's true. For the most part, they're simply there for idle chatter, and nothing more. The friends I did have didn't always like each other, which was unfortunate. It did bother me a bit, especially when my internet friends ended up being like that too, but I guess there's nothing I can do about it. I don't really think the bad blood these specific friends have with each other is any of my business.

    While I'm still on the topic of friends, I should probably bring the whole new school year situation up again. My best friend from high school isn't the only one of my friends that's leaving, I've got a few others going too. I'm disappointed because in more recent years, I haven't been very good at making friends, at least, friends that aren't internet friends, but I guess that's what happens when you're an introvert. Despite this, I know I'm still going to have to make new friends, and I meet new people every year, so I'm not sure why this year would be any different. With my luck though, it could be.

    So, I'm pretty nervous about school. The classes, I'm sure will be fine for the most part. I'm pretty sure my hardest class will be Pre-Calculus, but that should be a nice change from doing Algebra II three times in a row. So yeah, it's just the social stuff that I'm really worried about. Oh, and the hyperhidrosis too. I'll be seeing a doctor about it pretty soon. As for how I feel about myself and life in general, not much has changed. Depression doesn't seem to be a thing one can easily get rid of, anyways. So, if any of you have any thoughts or advice, I'd appreciate it, and I sure as hell hope you've been living better lives than I have.

  • Listening to: Driftwood OST
  • Reading: Driftwood
  • Watching: An Upcoming Video Of Mine
  • Playing: Driftwood
  • Eating: Chicken
  • Drinking: Water
So, I recently decided to make a visual novel and I'm recycling some old ideas. The thing is, though, I'm definitely going to need some help. I've got the writing mainly covered, but I could probably use somebody to make revisions later on and help improve the writing. I've been told I'm a pretty good writer, so we'll just see how it goes. I know I'll need help with art such as backgrounds, character sprites, and possibly CGs. I also can't really compose music to save my life. Well, I know I've made a few tracks, but I'm so inexperienced that I can't have something specific in mind when I start and never know what the result will be. So I'll need someone better at that. Next would be sound effects; that should be one of the easier things to do, but my mic isn't the best, so I hope somebody with a better quality one can help. I have no idea yet where and how everything will be used in the game, but I'll find out eventually. So, if you want to help, you can...

-Here are the positions-
Writers: Dollarluigi, Vulcan Spear, Crazyjc
Editor*: Flybyty
Background Artist: TBD
Character Artist: TBD
CG Artist*: TBD
Music: AJtheprogrammer
SFX: TBD
Voice Actors*: SandiestComet

*Not Certain
  • Listening to: Sepia Tears OST
  • Reading: My Visual Novel Script As I Write
  • Watching: A Typical Miiverse Relationship
  • Playing: Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney Investigations
  • Eating: Chicken
  • Drinking: Water
This year has been really hard on me and I mean it. I've dealt with all kinds of bull and I don't know how much more I can take. At one point I even felt completely alone, like nobody was on my side. Now, I just occasionally feel lonely, but I know I have supporters. I keep to myself most of the time though, partially because I want to avoid conversation. Hell, I don't really like having others worry about me for some unknown reason. Because of this, I many times throw myself into uncomfortable situations and then I try to find the easy way out, but that never really works most of the time.

There have been many times this year when I've had people that thought they understood or knew what was going on. My mother does not think I'm a very good person anymore, and she does not know the real reason my grades have been suffering. Nearly everyone in my house is too oblivious to even guess that I might have depression, which to me, is both a good and bad thing. My life at school didn't really help either. For the most part, I've  been seemingly non-existent there. People really only noticed me or even cared when I broke my damn arm. The truth is, I believe it to be nothing more than sympathy.

I've been wandering the halls alone a lot this year reflecting on how shitty my life has become and just wonder where the hell it is even going. Of course, I'm less likely to wander the halls alone because I've made a few new friends, but that doesn't change how lonely I always feel the second that I am alone again. I felt like I didn't have many friends at one point and got pissed off at some of my other friends for their insults and other crap and wanted to be away from them. I realized why some of these friends where they way they were, and how I may have even been one of the causes. After that, I stopped caring too much about
that, but these guys still occasionally go too far. One of them says people are shit and should die when he has a different opinion than them, such as a taste in
music. It's just ridiculous.

It just sucks so much when others won't see or admit when they're the ones that fucked up. I mean, when I do something wrong or mess something up, I acknowledge it, unlike some OTHER people in my house. One of my problems is my parents (or at least one of them) keep pushing me in a way that gets me depressed. And every damn time I can't get myself to work on my school work. I'm so fucking distracted these days. It also bothers me that they think taking my stuff away will help, because it's not  gonna do shit. When I have less stuff, I'm still lazy as fuck. I know because I've been there. And I get distracted by the simplest of things. I mean, once I was distracted by my water bottle. One of them likes to use the whole "consequences for your actions" excuse, but what about the consequences for THEIR actions?

My junior year has been shit. I've had all this stress from school, all this fucking drama to deal with, and my parents were too hard on me. Heck, I've even ended up questioning relationships I've had and wondered which people truly were my friends. In the end, I really don't feel that close to anyone, and I just go through the day, feeling lonely a lot and nearly always sad when alone. At the beginning of the year, I felt happier and didn't think there was anything wrong with my friendships, but shit happens. Shit changes.

In my current position, I seem to be set up for failure, and people don't even realize it. If they pushed appropriately, things would be a hell of a lot different. But of course, lots of people on this planet have to be such freaking idiots. When I entered high school for the first time, I never thought things could get as bad as they got. I kind of lost interest in my usual daily activities. For example, I played video games near daily and now I rarely play them. I've felt sadness and emptiness, continually feeling down on myself, having low self-esteem, thinking lots of things I do are terrible (as in things I make aren't very good) I also have trouble concentrating and making decisions. Occasionally, I get irritated or angry easily. Now my I'm very unproductive and don't work on stuff a whole lot (way more than usual) and sometimes try to avoid social activities. Lots of nights, I have trouble
sleeping and I always wake up feeling tired no matter how long I get to sleep. Lastly, sometimes I think about the past, when things were better. Things I used to have that I wish I had, but I know reality. Those are things I'll never see again and I'll just have to live with it.

Back in the fall, I mentioned one of Jimmy Whetzel's blogs that contained a few things that I was also experiencing, so I had to look up the definition for "people pleaser" and was a bit disappointed with what I saw. People pleasers believe they are less than most others on the planet and feel the need to hide this belife from everyone. They feel so low that typically they behave like a doormat and are frequently in situations where they are treated as such. These people will do almost anything to keep others in the dark as to what is going on with in. People pleasers typically tell more lies over the course of a lifetime than most others. For me, a lot of these are actually true and I can say the what's probably the biggest lie I've ever told is "I'm fine."

Eventually, I got pretty curious so I looked up "How I Depressed Am I Survey" on Google and ended up with a survey that would tell its participants what type of depression they have. So, I took the survey and got Dysthymia or Persistent Depressive Disorder and a lot of the symptoms were things I've experienced. They include loss of interest in daily activities, sadness or emptiness and constantly
feeling down, trouble concentrating or making difficult decisions, low self-esteem, feeling incapable, decreased activity, decreased effectiveness, decreased productivity, feelings of guilt, and worries over the past.

These days, I look at everything negatively and I truly do not believe that good things happen anymore. In the end, I do not really give a shit about how many people say that it will get better, because it never does. I've lost confidence, dealt with assholes, dealt with less people paying attention to me, dealt with being terrible at everything, dealt with being pushed far too fucking hard [and worst of all the pushers really think they didn't push hard enough], forced into bullshit that is far from necessary, and people constantly making my blood pressure rise. People have said things to me that don't help at all because I'm depressed like telling me I need to do more schoolwork or they yell at me.

I never fully recovered from this, and I don't know if I ever will. High school has changed me. Negatively, I should add. Lastly, there is nobody on this planet that I actually feel comfortable talking to any of this stuff to and that unfortunately includes my best friend at school. As I said earlier, I don't really feel close to anybody I know, and that includes the people that have a similar or the same mental disorder as me. No life is perfect, but none should have to be a living hell. I guess that's just the way it is. I only have a few days left of school, so let's just hope things will calm the hell down this summer.
  • Listening to: Asagao Academy OST
  • Reading: The Crucible
  • Watching: Red vs. Blue
  • Playing: Gyakuten Kenji 2
  • Eating: Mac and Cheese
  • Drinking: Water
A few weeks ago, I had a bit of a collision with a wall in my P.E. class, which led to me breaking my arm. I was in the hospital for a few days, and then came home to rest. I remained silent on social media for the next couple of days. For a while I couldn't move my arm. Fortunately, I'm getting to a point where I have better control, but I'm still not there yet.

Because I broke my arm, I have been getting everyone in face. Constantly asking stuff like "How's the arm" and "How long are you wearing that sling?"; it can get a little annoying, but I believe I can put up with it. I am slowly recovering and should be getting content [on my Youtube channel] soon. I apologize for being gone, but I don't think that many of you actually cared.
  • Listening to: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney OST
  • Reading: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
  • Watching: Red vs. Blue
  • Playing: Hotel Dusk: Room 215
  • Eating: Hot Pockets
  • Drinking: Water
Nothing much to say here. I just wanted to let you all know, that no matter what I'm going through, I still plan to be here providing content through all of my many accounts that are like everywhere these days. I'll let you know when my battles with depression are over, and that may be far away. Anyways, until then, take care of yourselves.
  • Listening to: Dai Gyakuten Saiban OST
  • Reading: To Kill A Mocking Bird
  • Watching: RWBY
  • Playing: Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney Investigations 2
  • Eating: Pasta
  • Drinking: Milk
First of all, I'd like to make something clear: for the longest time I thought nobody ever gave a s*** but I've been proven wrong. Anyways, earlier this week, some people I knew were asking me some questions about the video and I was... trying to dodge them, I guess. I'm just not good at talking about how I feel and I usually don't like talking about my feelings. I've more than once accidentally thrown myself into uncomfortable situations and each time, I try to find the easy way out, but things don't always work that way.

But enough of that. I think it's about time that I just revealed most of the things that have been bothering me. It's all ongoing. It hasn't stopped and probably won't stop anytime soon. Lately, I've been having a lot of issues with my family... and I honestly think that both of my parents are disappointed in me no matter what I do or how hard I even try. I get no appreciation for my efforts around the house, either, I pretty much only get s*** on.

Another thing I hate is when people think they understand or think they know what's going on. My mother seems to think that I'm not a good person these days and that I'm only failing classes for the sake of causing mischief. Nearly everyone I live with is too oblivious for their own damn good. Most of them don't even know what I've been going through: they're f*****g clueless.

The next of my concerns is that I don't feel as popular as I used to. I've got some classes where I sit alone despite having friends in them. I may not have as many friends as I used to, but I more often feel ignored these days. They're have been many times where I've found myself alone or had to plenty of "partner assignments" on my own. I get that I'm introverted, but it still bothers me.

The next issue is that anything I make isn't really that good (I'm not talking about my YT channel here; I mean my works in general - like stories, essays, and even PC games). Nearly everyone else I've known has been highly capable of producing something far superior to what I make easily. Lots of times, I feel like I'm not good at anything at all and the pressure I've had to go through in school really hasn't helped.

In the video I made like a couple weeks ago, I said something about friends not really being friends. Things are still like that. Truly, I spoke about a certain person without an explicit mention and this person showed some concern later, but a day later was back to the person that I despised. I just f*****g hate the insults that come from this person. Especially the last one, since it reminds me exactly of the kind of s*** that my mother says to me.

Recently, a vlog was posted to Youtube by Jimmy Whetzel on his let's play channel and it was about people-pleasing and saying no. In this video, the problems he discussed are very similar to the ones I've had. Anyways, I had to look up the definition of "people pleaser" myself because I thought I needed more details. According to Urban Dictionary, people pleasers believe that they are less than most others on the planet and feel the need to hide this belief from everyone. They feel so low that they typically behave like a doormat and are frequently put in situations where they're treated as such.

They'll do almost anything to keep others in the dark as to what is going on within. People pleasers typically tell more lies over the course of a lifetime than most others. In my case, a lot of this is true. I really don't like talking about when I feel like s*** and the world is against me and all that. I'm commonly put into situations where I'm "incapable" of saying "no" for whatever reason. Whenever people ask me for help these days, I'm really not doing it to be kind. I'm just doing it because the task was thrown at me.

Anyways, that's all I wanted to get out, but if you have any questions, ask in the comments either here or on my Youtube page. You can even ask me questions about my piece "Beneath the Mask" and I'll see what I feel like answering. Just be warned, if I know IRL I probably WILL NOT want to talk about any of this in person. I've never understood why I operate like this, but I just do.
  • Listening to: VVVVVV OST
  • Reading: Twitter Posts
  • Watching: My Computer Screen
  • Playing: VVVVVV - Level Editor
  • Eating: Chicken
  • Drinking: Milk
...I just don't post anything here often. I've been really tired lately. I just need to get more sleep in my life and do more work as well.
  • Listening to: Hotel Dusk: Room 215 OST
  • Reading: Twitter Posts
  • Watching: My Computer Screen
  • Playing: Apollo Justice: Turnabout Substitution
  • Eating: Soup
  • Drinking: Milk
Not being productive is all I know. I'll come home with a pile of schoolwork and do little to none of it. A week or so later, the pile becomes a mountain and I still don't do it. I have the same laziness problem that I've always had. It's worse than it used to be. It all started in the spring of this year.
 
I did give some details about one of the factors to me ending up far worse in that way, but the journal entry has long been deleted. I just don't feel safe with that kind of information up on any of my accounts anywhere. There's no need to go into further detail about that, though. 

I've even ended up with the same problem for the things I actually want to do. I can't make videos at the moment. I just can't get myself to. I can't sit and play videogames either. It helps that I don't have my 3DS at the moment, but even if I did, things would mostly still be the same. I rarely touch my consoles these days.

I'm too busy screwing around on my social media accounts to actually pay attention to anything. All I can really say is that I'm extremely disappointed in myself. Sadly, I don't really know where to go from here. Here I am, trying to do some last minute homework, but aside from not understanding any of it, I'm too lazy to even try. 

Most of my homework only comes from half of my classes. You'd think it wouldn't be too hard for me, but sadly, it is. There's not much else I can say at the moment, but I'll let you know if anything changes.
  • Listening to: Last Window The Secret of Cape West OST
  • Reading: Professor Layton and the Curious Village
  • Watching: My Computer Screen
  • Playing: Professor Layton and the Curious Village
  • Eating: Cake
  • Drinking: Milk
Yeah, I know. It's the eleventh of September, don't be sensitive! D:
Anyways, as most of you know, I am pretty much never on here because I suck at making art. Whenever I do post something, it's usually a thumbnail for a Youtube video. Don't really know what else to say, other than I've been back in School for a couple weeks now and I haven't been working on my projects much. Luckily, I managed to stay in a good mood during everything.
  • Listening to: Dai Gyakuten Saiban OST
  • Reading: Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney Investigations
  • Watching: Gravity Falls
  • Playing: Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney Investigations
  • Eating: Mac and Cheese
  • Drinking: Milk
Yeah, I know. I don't come here often. I'm sorry. I might change that in the future... or I might not. I can't really say at present. At the time of writing this, I've been busy making sure all of my social media accounts are up to date or at least have something new posted. But that's not important.
I have works coming out in the future, some may be art, but probably not. I'm not good at drawings, but I can somewhat write a good story if I want to. Anyways, I'm starting a review show called "Dollargame" which will be premiering on my Youtube channel on August 14th, 2015. In the mean time, I have filler content coming out on my channel, "Quick Reviews", "Impressions", and "Rants". This stuff won't go away when I start "Dollargame", but some new "shows" will probably appear on my channel after the first episode of "Dollargame" airs. I can't say what, as I can't make any promises.
My Super Mario Bros. X project, Battle For Truth 2 is in beta. I'll either release the beta soon, or release the "final" version later. I am also working on Battle For Truth 1.1, fixing problems the first Battle For Truth had, thanks to desmo360's advice... and Gameactive's too. The third episode has been started as well, and it is planned to be a community project. If you want to submit a level for the project, it must have three stars and be appropriate for all ages (difficulty does not have anything to do with how "appropriate" your level may be). Anyways, it is planned to be a trilogy and I don't plan to make any more after Battle For Truth 3.
Erm, I would say more, but this is about all I have to say at the moment. Hope you look forward to whatever content that I put out in the future.
  • Listening to: Professor Layton Soundtracks
  • Reading: Text in videogames...
  • Watching: Gravity Falls
  • Playing: Super Smash Bros.(N64)
  • Eating: Fried Eggs
  • Drinking: Milk