It was weird, writing again. I often feel the pull of it - I'm sure I always will - but it was strange to actually indulge the notion. What can I say though, I was listening to Hammock and I was moved as I always am by their music. You know, I often wonder how other people think - other writers, artists in general and people with no particular inclination towards art or writing - I wonder what it is like to be in their head and to think their thoughts. How do they occur, how do they flow, how do they feel and form and where does it go? For me, it's a spring or stream of consciousness and is generally inspired by something - strong feeling or moving music most often - but it comes entirely unbidden.
The song in question, by the way, is this one: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORHckB…
For me it started with a sense of loss and the notion of something slipping away - but I felt that the word wasn't right, the word didn't capture what I actually felt because slipping implies an awareness and of having been holding on to this thing... which I was not - holding on to it, that is. In my life so far, I have only ever learned that I have to let go because so much of what I want, what I felt I needed, was so-clearly not meant for me that pursing it (or even these days simply allowing for it) has only ever lead to awful things and a general sense of abuse and neglect. So as appeal as the notion of this heart of mine, this loving sense slipping away, it was not at all accurate, I had to describe it otherwise and that just lead to all kinds of deeper thinking.
I am very, very smart and I only ever pay for this - but the upside is that things often occur to me long before I feel them - the thought precedes the emotion - but for all of our brain power, nearly every human being is a creature of emotion... it's a part of us and I'd say it's far more a part of most people than rational, measured thinking is. There is nothing about myself that I cannot explain - or at the very least, accurately and reasonably postulate about - but even I am, sometimes, lead by my heart - it resist my head and in this resisting, it will lag behind, horribly, of the thought-out conclusions I've arrived at...
but sometimes it beats me there and it always makes it more... real, ironically enough, than the mere thought ever was. It is *never* enough to simply think something, to realize something - you need that epiphany, that emotional core that consumes everything else and makes you *feel* the thing you were thinking, the thing you suspected
the thing you never wanted.
I've always felt like I have a certain mastery over myself - a strangely unusual confluence of thought and emotion that really works - where I am not overpowered one way or another and I can be both measured and emotional - I love it, it's beautiful I think and a wonderful way to be. I think it is a virtue, I think it is a solid principle on which to build one's perspective and existence and it is a choice that can be made. To be like this.
I like that - I like choice, choosing, knowing, deciding - doing. Unfortunately, that is not the way of the world and no one exists in a vacuum - if only it were up to me and my choices, if simply deciding were enough, was all you had to do to reach something... that would be beautiful, wonderful. But, again, it's not...
Some things are done *to* you and that's what this is about.
A long, long time ago I began to suspect that life would go a certain way for me despite anything and everything that I would do. Suspected - I did not believe it, though, and proceeded to conduct myself as best as I could and as honestly as I could and hope for the best. I tried and I failed and I was continually rejected - have been continually rejected - and it has all meant something, all has had an impact and a measure to it. Logic whispered that my initial suspicions were correct because in all of my observing since, I had not yet been given a reason to suspect otherwise - but logic also assured me that there was no way of knowing - you can't know, that's the point, that's what you have to admit and in admitting that you don't actually know, can't know, could know, that you can leave a space for something to get in, to change, no matter what else you know and what life has shown you. This was a notion hammered home by the beautiful lyrics of a beautiful song I love and adore and that has since become... not a mantra, but a truth for me.
"Allow it and you will have it / allow it and love will be" (The Best is Yet to Come, I refer more specifically to a wonderful translation that claims infinitely more accuracy than the official release).
A lot of people get hung up on "knowing" the future - knowing the outcome and all possible outcomes and they not only shoot themselves in the foot, but much worse and, more importantly, the inflict these notions they 'know' on everyone else to ever come and it's all a disservice and all a travesty that can be avoided by admitting something horribly and painfully obvious - that you don't know because you can't know and that you've only given up when you don't allow for a *chance*.
I must still admit this myself, but I cannot lie... today, I felt the thing that I thought years ago and I didn't just know it
I believed it.
It didn't slip away. I didn't lose it. It didn't even die...
It was never there at all.
I never *had* a chance.