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Deviant for 8 Years
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Make an Effort
“If you want things to change,
Efforts must be made.”
So simple as it sounds.
I know it cognitively,
On the tip of my brain
Through the fog, mud, and rain.
I wish I knew effort
I wish I could make change.
It is not so simple
When emotions rule.
On the edge of the world
I sit in turmoil.
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 1 2
Terrors in the Night
Please stop these terrors in the night.
They grip like a vice.
They hold me down in horror.
They are a weight to heavy to bare.
The terror of living like this
And the terror or dying like this.
It all holds and tears into my flesh.
I bleed and bleed from every crevice.
My flesh ripped, bitten, and devoured.
My heart torn out.
My insides exposed.
My mind set on fire.
These terrors in the night.
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 2 0
It calls in the darkness
Whispers and begs
It wants me to take it away
Let the pain go.
It longs for me to fill
Myself with so much more.
It makes me crave
More and more.
The craving won’t stop
The pain is real.
I want it.
I need it.
I hate the way I feel.
I’m afraid of this pull
This shadow in the dark.
I’m afraid to give in
To shatter my heart.
I want it now.
I want it all.
I cannot resist
Its howling call.
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 1 0
A Cry for Help
I am crying for help
Please save me.
I’ve lost control.
I’m under its spell.
It calls to me in the dark.
I wake up to its screams.
I don’t want its embrace.
I don’t want its kiss goodbye.
I want it to go away.
I want to banish it from my mind.
I want to push it back.
I need help.
I don’t have the strength.
I don’t have the power.
I don’t have the stamina.
It haunts my dreams.
It steals my happiness.
It calls to me.
How much longer can I fight?
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 2 3
I Am in Pain
I’m in pain
You did this to me
You left my life
You left a stain.
I an angry with you
You broke all
You left nothing
And you don’t feel it too.
I am in sorrow
An angry rampage
You think it’s a “thing”
But there’s no tomorrow.
You have not cared
It breaks me inside
You never knew
You never dared.
Your love won’t stop
You’re love is gone
You want my love
To just drop.
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 2 0
Love is Unforgiving
You are missed
A lost love from a dream
So long ago
But never forgotten.
My mind dreams of
What was to be;
Holding hands,
Soft kisses on my head,
Being held suspended in time
The comforting bliss.
Love of eternity;
Love beyond love;
Love that lasts a lifetime;
Love that is broken by no boundaries.
Is that kind of love real?
It use to be, a very long time ago.
When people didn’t give up.
When people knew love is not always kind
When forgiveness was true
And with it, love grew.
Now the world is lost.
Love is fleeting and short.
No stamina, patience, tolerance or forgiveness.
Feelings of betrayal, fear, pain, and anger
Ruin it all and love is lost
From self-destruction.
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 1 0
You Ran Away
You ran away
I chased after you
But you ran so far
So fast and so desperately.
I searched the globe
I searched the skies
I searched the seas
You’re lost apparently.
Your very essence
Gone and missing
You broke me
No matter what happened
Will every change that fact.
The pain eats me inside
Piece by piece.
Your emotional absence
My heart emotionally racked.
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 1 1
Love is Stormy
Love is Stormy
Love is like a cloud
High in the air, white and springy
Bouncy, fluffy and peaceful.
But like the clouds
They turn a dark dusty grey
Heavy, flat, dark, and damp.
Rain falls in the tears of pain
Storms range with anger
Lightening flashes with frustration
And intense negativity.
Tornados fall with a fierce swirl
Emotional rage for just a second.
Or a huge hurricane grows slowly
Over the oceans tears
Moving onto a target of destruction.
Hail falls in deep cold tears
Ice and danger
Everywhere you turn.
Blizzards of cold
Create a frozen wasteland
Stopping the day from shivers
And flat layers and layers of cloths for warmth.
The weather comes and goes
But its intensity is strong and true.
Its anger a terror of turmoil
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 1 0
Mirror Feb 2018
Who is being the mirror?
It isn’t me.
My reflection looks
Distorted and dreadful
Full of pain and fears
Full of regrets and tears
The reflection is not me
Or can it be?
Did time change that much?
Did time make me this way?
Did time make me jaded
And hated to stay?
Am I lost in the mirror
And the aged one on the other side
Am I lost being the mirror
For who is really there?
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 1 1
Alice: Falling, Falling
Alice, I’m Falling
Down the hole I go
Again it comes
The brain goes slow
I’m falling.
Just like Alice
In the looking glass
I’m on a chess board
The game will pass.
Falling, falling
Then I swim
From the tears
Pouring within.
I’m losing control
I’ve tried so hard
But it slips away
Like a falling deck of cards.
I’ve lost my head
The queen made sure
Its gone and rolling
So much I’ve endured.
Then I wake
Form the terrible dream
Or is it?
As it seems.
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 1 1
Do you see me?
Or am I alone?
Must we just
Talk on the phone?
It is so impersonal.
Do I exist?
Can we communicate?
Or just exist?
Keep in touch.
Real communication
Not so much.
To talk is difficult
When no one is there
Staring at the screen
No one seems to care.
Where is the person
On the other end.
When will I know?
When they hit send?
Is it the distance?
I am so far away
Time is slipping by
Yet I stay.
What we write is eternal
It never disappears
To the internet
It adheres.
Can someone understand,
What I write?
When staring at the screen
Deep into the night.
Do we all feel alone
Trying to connect
Using something impersonal
That we may regret.
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 3 0
Out of sight
out of mind
It makes me believe
the world is blind
Walking past
No one there
Sitting in the shadow
An invisible stare
Lost in the crowd
Simply blind in
the hustle and bustle
Makes my head spin.
Light that blind
sound so loud
beating of heart
a loud pound
A quiet place
Time to fall
Invisible once more
away from it all.
:icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 1 1
Nov Saipan 2013 125 by dnalrednow-ecila Nov Saipan 2013 125 :icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 4 0 Nov Saipan 2013 102 by dnalrednow-ecila Nov Saipan 2013 102 :icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 2 0 Nov Saipan 2013 086 by dnalrednow-ecila Nov Saipan 2013 086 :icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 3 0 Nov Saipan 2013 005 by dnalrednow-ecila Nov Saipan 2013 005 :icondnalrednow-ecila:dnalrednow-ecila 3 0


Make an Effort

“If you want things to change,
Efforts must be made.”
So simple as it sounds.
I know it cognitively,
On the tip of my brain
Through the fog, mud, and rain.

I wish I knew effort
I wish I could make change.
It is not so simple
When emotions rule.
On the edge of the world
I sit in turmoil.
I've been wondering about some things. My dad went and had neck surgery a few days ago and he's in a lot of physical pain. He's in a rehab hospital to get help. My mom is worried about him and her stress causes her pain. So people support her and ask how she is holding up. He is my father so I am in emotional pain, but is my pain less than theirs? Am I being selfish for asking? 
About a month ago, I tried to kill myself from OD on several medications. Of course I'm still alive now, but I spent 3 weeks in an outpatient facility for those who are mentally ill. I've had my meds changed and they have some really difficult symptoms. My hands shake like I have Parkinsons, which unfortunately if those symptoms from the meds don't stop, I will develop Parkinson's. While I was in the outpatient program, I told only my finacee, his family (because I was living with them), and my daughter & son. I avoided telling my parents because I didn't want them to worry about me because they were worried about too much. I didnt' want to be a burden. So who's pain is worse? Is pain judged like the scale of 1-10 and compared? Does someone "win" on having the worst pain, therefore having the most sympathy? Should I feel badly that I'm thinking of myself at all? Am I selfish because my emotional bullshit disease caused me to almost die? I've always thought of dying as being less than being in constant pain not only for myself, but also for others because people get over someone dying faster than they do when someone is still living but in pain. People can put off the "passing on" because of religion and believe the person who died is just somewhere else. Well, I am Atheist and they are just GONE. I write on here because no one I know IRL is on here anymore to read any of my commentary so I am free to speak my mind and get it out. Otherwise I'd dwell on it even when there are no answers for my questions.


United States
I have been writing poetry since I was 11 yrs old. I love to write in general and wish I had time to write short stories again, but currently most of my writing is taken up in a dissertation and a few blogs.
"My life is a blank piece of paper and I'm the pen, but I can't erase my mistakes and start all over again."

Current Residence: Saipan, Commonwealth of the Northern Marianas Islands (A US territory in the Pacific Ocean)
Favourite genre of music: All kinds
Favourite photographer: my friends
Favourite style of art: writing
Operating System: Windows
MP3 player of choice: IPod
Wallpaper of choice: A forrest
Skin of choice: Green
Favourite cartoon character: Alice in Wonderland
Personal Quote: "Life is a Lemon"

I am an Early Childhood Specialist at the Northern Marianas College of School of Education. I love my job.
There has been a complicated history for me as there is for many people. Over 20 yrs. ago, I fell in love more than once. I was in a crazy "love triangle" of my own making and it hurt those I cared for the most. If anyone reads this, know that I am bipolar and in mania so my writing is going to be all over the map. I just need to get it out before my head explodes. 
In 1994 when I was a young and foolish 20 yr old, a lot happened in my life. In June that year, one of my grandmothers and an uncle died within 2 days of each other. That July, I met a man that I had been talking to online for over a year. He came to meet me in person. We were in love online and when we met, we were even more in love. In August when he had to fly back to the UK where he lived, he asked me to marry him. I didn't take him serious enough. In Sept. I met a local man who became my 2 children's father and my husband later. In Dec. my other grandmother died and I got pregnant with my daughter. But the guy in the UK didn't know what was going on. We kept on chatting and occasionally talking on the phone. Until one day, I had to tell him I was pregnant with a local man's child. It broke him. 
But I went on to marry the man after only knowing him for 6 months. We stayed married for 11 yrs in an emotionally abusive relationship that ended badly with him leaving me and me being so obsessed with him that I couldn't handle it and tried to kill myself. (Luckily, that didn't work.) But also the guy from the UK and I still chatted sometimes for the whole 11 yrs. And then just as my husband was going to leave me and it was almost over, my UK friend stopped talking to me and dropped off the "map" so to speak. No matter what I did to try to find him, I couldn't. And it was like that from July 2006 until 2 days ago. 
I had tried to find my UK love off and on and never could catch wind of him or contact him. No email or message got through. I even sent a hand written letter to him in hopes for a reply, but nothing, until 2 days ago. Why couldn't it had been sooner. My children and I would not have gone through so many years of hell over my bad decisions, one right after the other. What if I had made one change to a decision so long ago? What if I would have found him sooner? God knows I tried. 
So now I am in a relationship of 5 yrs and we decided last October that we were going to get married in a year. The man I am with, I have been madly in love with and I still am. But the "what if" keeps whispering in my mind. Hurt one for another? Dump the for sure for the unknown? Take a 20 yr. old risk? And all of this hits me and my mind after 2 days of chatting with him because talking to him has and is as natural as breathing. I've always been honest with my current fiancee. I don't hold things from him. And although I have talked a lot about my UK friend, I have to not talk about my feelings and confusion. It would tear him to pieces. We've been through too much together. So I wish I had reconnected to my UK love at least 4 yrs. sooner. I'm afraid now and I can't trust myself. I am bipolar and therefore reactive, make decisions without thinking, and acting on impulse. I don't think. And right now my impulse tells me to run and run fast straight to him before I lose him again. But that leaves an innocent, loyal man left in the dust of the unknown and betrayed which started the cycle in the first place. And I'm thinking and writing all of this after 2 days talking with the guy from the UK. He makes me want to write 1000 love poems to him and smother him with virtual kisses. 
My daughter told me that she thinks I am not in love with him anymore but in love with the past him and the idea of loving him. She is likely right. I can't trust myself, not in this state.


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dnalrednow-ecila Featured By Owner May 25, 2014
I've been gone a long time, not even sure when I'll pop back in.
chinagirl99 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You have been tagged! I hope that's okay :3
Effervescent-Dream Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist



WonderfulTyrant Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013
Are you alive?
Nikki-Kitten1213 Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Student General Artist
Thanks for the fav on my Hacker Girl
xXWritingRavenXx Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hello there!

I would just like to thank you for adding me to your watch! :heart: I hope you enjoy the rest of my work~

Many thanks,
tinaaw Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the watch
Ferelwing Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
:huggle: Thanks so very much for :iconfavplz: my work!
Speck2 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks so much for the fav!!
Poetrymann Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks very much for the views and faves.
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