Splinter's List of Rules

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Literature Text

1.Michelangelo is banned from all missions involving cats. Just because you're curious whether a cat really will land on it's feet does not mean you can drop it off the Empire State building. Raphael, Donatello, don't encourage him.

2.No Raphael, it is not funny to attack the NYC police headquarters with paintballs.

3.Whichever one of you stole Splinter's kimono, congratulations on your stealth skills. Now give it back.

4.Whoever stole all of Agent Bishop's underwear to sell on the black market, give it to him. He's paranoid enough without his personal belongings going missing.

5.Raphael is banned from making, buying, touching, and coming within 10 meters of any explosive device. We needed that building.

6.The toaster does not have AIDS. Stop telling people that is does.

7.We don't know why Casey, at the age of 20 you are still incapable of cooking yourself a meal, and nor a we interested, just know you are banned from our kitchen forever.

8.None of you are allowed to sing at all while on guard duty.

9.Inflatable farmyard animals are no longer allowed in the Lair, any sewer tunnels, April's apartment building or the police station. Casey's home however, is fine.

10. Same applies with real farmyard animals.

11. For the last time, you are not Sailor Moon, Venus.

12. Leonardo's ultimate weakness is not porn, and he will fall dead if you continue sending him adult materials as such.

13. Your 'sexy dance' is not appropriate on duty, Michelangelo, even with a theme song.

14. Even if it is left outside on a balcony, you are not allowed to bring home other peoples underwear.

15. There is no 'designated practise dummy' . Stop sticking such notes on each other.

16. Nobody owns anybody's soul.

17. You are not allowed to go on strike.
18. While I recognise the fact that on a rare occasion you can all act collectively like a group of idiots, this does NOT qualify you do write 'An Idiots Guide to Ninja-ing'. Do you know how many civilian have blown themselves up the past week because of you?

19. Live chickens are a don't. Under any circumstances.

20. Condoms are not a good choice for water balloons.

21. I do not care how many bets Donatello may have lost, no more painting his shell neon orange and pink during the night.  

22. Karai is not the Shredder in disguise, and you are not authorised to 'check' with a strip-search. We can't take you to hospital, remember?

23. No matter what Baxter Stockman might think, you are not entitled to maternity leave, Venus.

24. Whilst indeed Leonardo's position as leader may indeed be de-promoted if he has intercourse, you are not to try and accomplish this by locker him in storage rooms/closets with Karai.

25. Do not make crude jokes about females in front of Venus. That is a bad idea.

26. Same goes for you Venus. No crude humour about males in front of your brothers.

27. Itching power on the toilet seat is only funny once.

28. Casey Jones is no an appropriate role model.

29. "Raph did it first," Is not an adequate excuse for anything.

30. Klunk is not 'Sparta'

31.  Growing marijuana is not 'an extra credit project for your online biology class' Donatello.

32. Do not tell Leonardo to his face that he takes himself too seriously.

33. Do not call Raphael 'Sweetie-pie', 'Raphie-poo' or 'Stacey'.

34. If an idea makes you giggle for more than 15 seconds, don't do it. This goes especially for you, Michelangelo.

35. Do not glue your brothers into their beds using rubber cement, Venus. I do not know how you got it, but I suggest you get rid of any you might have left.

36. Paintball is not allowed in the Lair. Ever.

37. You are not allowed to duct-tape any of your siblings to walls or the ceiling.

38. Drinking anything past it's expiry date in the refrigerator is a bad idea. Especially if it wasn't liquid to begin with.

39. You may not have your own private army of robots.

40. Stop telling Leather head alligators taste like chicken.

41. Jesus is not your 'homeboy'.

42. You can't disguise mini-robots as the Gingerbread man to prank your brothers and sister, Donatello. Or claim they work for the Muffin Man. You are not the Muffin Man, you do not know the Muffin Man.

43. There is no such thing as the 'Rhino Rodeo League', and nor are you allowed to start one.

44. Do not try to donate your siblings to city zoo. I do not care how much they may have deserved it-don't.

45. Leonardo, there is no such thing as 'The Touch of Death'; stop threatening your brothers with it.

46. No one is allowed to fake rabies.

47. You are not your own lost twin.

48. 'Non-flammable' is not a challenge.

49. Asking "How do you keep a Purple Dragon is suspense?" before walking away is only funny the first time.

50. Do not claim Casey is suffering from 'blue balls', Raphael. And don't try to prove me wrong by shooting him in the crutch with blue paintball pellets.

51. In the events we come to fight Foot Ninja, nobody is allowed to shout "There can only be ONE"

52. If Michelangelo even looks like he might start singing, "I know a song that gets on everybody's Nerves," All people present are entitled to knock him unconscious.

53. April, you are not Xena-Warrior Princess, and you shall not use war cries to signal your entrance to a room.

54. No one is allowed to offer help to the Shredder in his evil plots in exchange for Canada and Japan.

55. None of you are finding Nemo. Now give the coast guard back their scuba gear.

56. Raphael and Casey, you are not allowed to go out and race the police department's search and rescue boats, or paint them in your favourite teams colours. You are especially not allowed to broadcast the event live on television and take bets over the internet, understand?

57. Venus, do not try and prank your brothers into believing you are pregnant.

58. Vacuums are not meant to be supercharged and raced across the Lair.

59. No one is allowed to work for or towards world domination for any reason.

60. Cupcakes are not from the devil.

61. Do not try and juggle chainsaws.  

62. Tying coconuts to pigeons to prove a theory is frowned upon by the ASPCA.

63. None of the rats in the sewer are Splinter's brothers and sisters. Therefore, you are not allowed out of training because one of  your 'Uncles' said so.

64. No painting polka-dots anywhere in the Lair.

65. The Christmas tree has never eaten anyone, so stop telling people that it has.

66. You will all take time to clean you rooms once in a while.

67. You are not allowed to kidnap and hold yourself hostage for money.

68. No selling your own or someone else's organs on Ebay.

69. No one is ever allowed to go out and really 'Find Wally' and kill him, no matter how much those books annoy you.   

70. If Donatello ever finds schematics for an atomic bomb on Wikipedia, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop him.

71. I don't care how grateful the girls at the club were, no one is allowed to play strip 'Go Fish'.

72. Never let Michelangelo pop the cork off a champagne bottle ever again.

73. The glowing green toxic waste Donatello mixed up will not re-animate the dead, nor will it get you a new sibling or girlfriend. Yes, we've already checked.

74. You are not allowed to train any tiny amount of non-mutated turtles to attack the Foot clan or Purple Dragons, no matter how badly you're convinced they'd never see it coming.

75. No, you boys cannot get the 'Shag Master' number plate for the van, and the same goes for bumper stickers.

76. No one is allowed to dress any of their siblings in suggestive clothes and post pictures on the internet, especially not to online dating sites. Remember what happened last time, Raphael and Michelangelo. I'm sure Venus would do it again.

77. Close encounters of the mammary kind are to be kept private and not broadcast onto youtube.  

78. Leonardo, please stop using Ninja wire to move objects without your brothers and sister seeing you do it. They're becoming convinced the Lair is haunted.

79. Venus, flame-throwers are not an applicable security feature for unauthorised access into your room.

80. Do not wrap sleeping or hung-over people in tinsel and Christmas lights.

81. Do not attempt using Mistletoe at Christmas. Venus and April are sick of the stuff as much as I am.

82. Stop using anti-gravity devices to appear to walk on water; you almost no chance whatsoever at convincing anyone you are Jesus.

83. Silly string is no longer allowed in the Lair, ever.

84. Do not use legos, duct tape, and or rubber bands to create a giant ball so you can re-enact the scene from Indiana Jones.

85. Absolutely no hair removal creams or other products inside the Lair.

86. No flushing 19 litres of gasoline down the toilet to see if it will explode if you throw a lit match into it.

87. Kool-Aid is to be used a drink flavouring only; the mere fact it can dye your siblings skin in a variety of ways is irrelevant.

88. Wasp nests are a don't under any circumstances.

89. On the pain of death, do NOT let Michelangelo near fireworks.

90. No faking amnesia.

91. Sawdust is not a proper substitute for anything, especially cooking flour.

92. Strictly for health reasons, it is not a good idea or advisable to randomly walk up to attractive men/women and kiss their socks off. Even if they thank you for it afterwards.

93. Venus, stop trying to play with bungee cords in the Lair to re-enact the scene from the TOMB RAIDER movie.

94. If you must sing 'I Believe in a thing called Love', do it in the shower. We've already lost 18 glasses thanks to those high notes.

95. Turtle wax is not what you think it is.

96. No, getting braces will not improve you shell cell's reception, so please stop trying to kidnap a dentist.

97. No energy drinks.

98. Racing junk cars in the junkyard is fine. Racing junk cars over ramps into the Hudson River to see who can gets a better air-time is not.

99. No hypnotising anyone. Casey may very well never forgive you for the 'Naked Disco Duck' impersonation, Raphael.

100. Do not even think about trying growth hormones, any of you.

OK, we promise never to break any of these rules, Master,
as long as you promise to never, EVER to that thing with the spoon again.
Love Mikey, Raph, Donny, Leo & Venus.
I got this from FanFiction: [link] OMG THIS IS SO FUNNY!!! I fixed some of the spelling/grammar, shortened it and added Venus. Hope you like it!

Sparta Klunk is compared to: [link]

Drawing by :iconpropimol:
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Soniclifetime's avatar
''3.Whichever one of you stole Splinter's kimono, congratulations on your stealth skills. Now give it back.''