SA Quest: Fear (Roshan)

Roshan went in third.  Naturally, Kalani volunteered to go first and then it was a simple case of goading Mila into going second, which was much easier than it had any right to be.  But it suited Roshan, so they sat back and waited for the others to take their turn and see what came of it.

Roshan was many things - impulsive, brash, cocky - but stupid was not one of them.  They were also very much aware of their tendency to jump into things head first.  However, if their short-lived career as a test-subject for illegal technology had taught them anything, it was don't be the first to volunteer.  That way, you can see what happens to at least one person and acquire some fore-knowledge.

In this instance, they watched as Kalani returned, sweat-soaked and henshin item in hand - so summoned but not used.  Then came Mila who looked emotionally drained, immediately seeking Kalani's proximity - the usual emotional security blanket.

So what could they derive from this?  Whilst both Kalani and Mila both went into the same cave, whatever they found inside differed;  Mila showed no signs of the heat exposure Kalani must have suffered.  But whatever it was, it had pulled strings for both.  Neither was harmed physically, so the obstacles they faced weren't physical - despite the heat of Kalani's encounter.  Which left mentally or emotionally.  Possibly a bit of both.

Roshan had their suspicions but knew the only true way to know for certain was to go through with it themselves.

The journey down the perilous path - seriously, was there not a better option for those unable to fly? - was spent musing over outcomes.  As a child, they'd heard stories of travellers happening upon caves and finding various things inside.  Treasures were the rewards for the good, kind and just.  For everyone else, it depended on what the moral or plot of the story required.  Sometimes it was punishment - death or suffering for those who were cruel.  Sometimes it was something to overcome - the face of an enemy or a personal fear.

Whatever it was they would find in the cave, Roshan was pretty sure it wasn't going to be treasure.

When they reached the cave, Roshan barely spared it a moment's observation before stepping through.  The darkness swamped them faster than physics dictated it should, which opened up the mystic.  They shot a quick prayer up to the family divinity - out of habit more than expectation anything would come from it - and waited for the trial to make itself known.

Not unfamiliar with black-outs, Roshan's heart leapt to their throat when they next thing they knew, they were seated in a very familiar hospital bed in a very familiar hospital room.  For a split second they thought they'd lost time again but pushed that back in favour of the more realistic explanation - this mystical test was putting them back to that moment in time.

Truthfully, seated was a generous descriptor.  They were propped up and whilst Roshan was able to turn their head to take in the familiar features of the room they'd spent several months recuperating in, they could move little else.

Taking a breath to push back the dread that rose within them, Roshan made themselves pause.  "So we've come back to then."

'Then' was the early stages of their recovery - days after their battle with Sailor Atlas, which resulted in the destruction of the Lambda technology they'd been using to gain artificial senshi powers.  The battle and the destruction of the technology had left them paralysed though, fortunately, not permanently.  The first few days after regaining consciousness were the worst; when all they could do was sit or lie there, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to function without assistance.

A knock at the door drew Roshan's attention towards it but was already opening before they could open their mouth to speak.

And rather than greet the man that entered, Roshan clamped their jaw shut.

"Hey, Ro-ro," he greeted with a warm smile, approaching the bed.  He leant forwards and pressed a kiss to the top of Roshan's head and they closed their eyes for a moment.  When they opened them again, he was sitting on the edge of the bed and smoothing creases from his clothes.  He was always trying to look pristine.

"Baba," Roshan greeted softly.

Their father looked at them with a smile.  "Abba is talking with the physicians," he said, hands now folded in his lap.  "There are some discussions that need to happen and decisions that need to be made."

Roshan could remember all too well the last discussion they'd had with their fathers.  It had ended up with them leaving home and spending what money they had on a one-way ticket to Erda, the capital city of a planet in a whole other star system.

"It's been two years since your altercation with Sailor Atlas," their father continued after a short pause.

Roshan resisted the urge to snort at that.  Altercation wasn't exactly the word they'd use and it certainly wasn't the word used by the courts when the case had been examined.  But then the words 'two years' sunk in and they almost choked on the realisation.

They'd been stuck in this bed for two years.

"Whilst you showed some initial improvement, the doctors feel that your recovery has plateaued and is unlikely to progress any further.  There is talk about seeking referrals to specialist healers but the waiting lists for those are very long - years in non-urgent cases such as yours."

"What are you saying?" Roshan asked, trying to move, trying to sit up, trying to do something.

Their father sighed.  "We talked about this before," he said and Roshan was very much inclined to disagree.  This was not a conversation that had happened in their memory.  "The realistic truth is that you could be like this for the rest of your life."

Roshan shook their head.  "No.  I'm not.  This isn't real.  I can walk.  I can move.  This isn't real.  I'm a senshi and I live on Ambrosia in Erda and you and Abba don't talk to me and I can move!"

He looked at them with sad eyes.  "We talked about this as well, Ro-ro," he said softly.  "The meds you're on give you very strong dreams.  They might seem realistic but they're not."

"That's not true!" Roshan objected.  "It's real.  My life on Ambrosia is real."

"Roshan..."

"I got better!" Roshan shouted, not caring that he flinched but powering on.  "I went home and you kicked me out and I went to Erda and I stayed with friends.  I am a senshi and I took part in the War Games and I..."

They trailed off when he put a hand on their cheek.  With their attention, he began to list off a series of drugs and Roshan's heart clenched at the implications.  They knew the side effects of those drugs and the implications of that particular cocktail.  Vivid dreams were a given and a distorted perception of what's real or not wasn't unheard of.  They were lucky they weren't actively hallucinating.

"It's the medication," he said softly.  "I would love nothing more than for it to be true - even the parts where we are apparently estranged, if it meant you were well - but it's not.  I will see if there are other medications you can try - or maybe a lower dose would work."

Roshan fought against tears.  Crying wouldn't get them anywhere and they wouldn't even be able to wipe their eyes.  They blamed the drugs - mood swings were another side effect.
"I'll go see where Abba is up to."

Roshan closed their eyes rather than watch their father walk out of the room.

Was it really all just in their head?  Had they imagined everything?  Made up elaborate stories and adventures to make up for never being able to walk again?

Or had they never really left that cave?

"Is this what you do?" Roshan asked, opening their eyes to stare at the opposite wall.  "Is this your gimmick?  Show me my lowest point?  The thing I'm most terrified of reliving?"  They paused.  "But that's not right.  This isn't me reliving it.  This is making it worse.  You're exacerbating the fear.  For what purpose?  I know my fears.  Do you need me to acknowledge them?  To face them?

"Fine.  I'm scared of being paralysed again.  I've never been more terrified in my life.  I'm scared of being stuck, unable to do anything.  I don't do being helpless.  I don't.  And yes, the idea that I might wake up one day and find out that I dreamt the last two years haunts me.  But that doesn't stop me from going to sleep at night.  It doesn't stop me from going out there and fighting.  And if you can look in my head and see my fears, then you can see all that too.

"So what do you want from me?"

And for the longest moment, nothing happened.  Had they been able to, they would have clenched their hands into fists.  As it was, they could do nothing but lie there and wait.

I want you to learn, a voice like darkness whispered straight into their mind.  With it, a blunt force slammed into Roshan's chest and a moment later they were stumbling backwards from the cave.

Lifting one hand to the spot where the force had hit, Roshan rubbed it gently as they stared into the opening of the cave.  Taking a moment to enjoy being able to feel and move again, they muttered under their breath, "Bloody local spirits."

Taking one last look at the cave, they headed back up the winding path.