Who is this man before me, whys he act the way he does?
why can't he stay himself? He is obviously loved.
why can't he keep it together? why can't he keep it straight?
why does he feel he always has, so much on his plate?
Tryin to break though but can't seem to break out,
speakin in jibberish, but no real words seem to come out.
tryin this mind on for size, can't seem to find my way.
all these negative memories are always in the way.
I cant seem to run from it, i cannot try to hide,
all these feelings keep piling up inside.
Tryin to be the man that i've always wanted to be,
afraid of what you think you saw, and also what you see.
Never can i measure up to who i want to be.
Never will i be anything more than what you see.
I am what I am, I am not who I choose to be,
if i chose who i wanted to be, i wouldnt choose me.
Its so rough, and its so rocky, and i always, always, try.
when its rocky, when its rough, all i can do is sigh.
My problem is i love this girl but my mind is never right,
when i feel depressed all i want is to hold her tight.
she's so far my arms too short, i can never seem to reach,
if theres any easier way to handle this, i will let you teach.
Teach me the ways of organizing my mind,
teach me the ways of rearranging what is mine.
My mind is scattered, thoughts so thick, i think i'm about to choke,
if my sanity was measured in money, i'd always be broke.
I'm tired of the thoughts, i'm tired of the pain,
i'm tired of this blood, i'm tired of it running through my veins,
tired of my heart, tired of its pumping, i'm jealous of the deceased,
i dont want to feel this pain, i want it to release.
My pain and my fears, i want all of them to die,
i'm tired of making mistakes, tired of making them cry.
i'm tired of my imperfection getting in the way,
i wish the person i am when i'm sane, would come, and stay.
i want a sanity level that'll get me through more than just one day.
God help me.
This isnt written very well, but it helped me release some of my thoughts. I go through this cycle of depression, my memories seem to haunt me. The so called 'demons' never seem to leave me. It causes me to act in ill-rational ways, in which i wouldnt normally act. I hate it. I hate that i can't control that aspect of myself. I hate that I cant be positive all the time. I hate that i break down. I hate being trapped in what is; my human nature. I wish i could be what I want to be. But I can't. Because of that thing called the human condition.
Alicia I love you.
Alicia I love you.