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Darkness devours the soul
36 Watchers11.7K Page Views91 Deviations
Artist // Hobbyist // Literature
  • Jan 5
  • United States
  • Deviant for 14 years
  • She / Her
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Super Llama: Llamas are awesome! (31)
My Bio
Current Residence: I come from my house
Favourite genre of music: Rock, melotic metal, euro pop
Favourite cartoon character: Where do you want me to start?
Personal Quote: Look! It's the fat and the furious!

Favourite Movies
V for Vendetta, American Beauty
Favourite TV Shows
Haven,
Favourite Bands / Musical Artists
10 Years, Halestorm, Brentalfloss
Favourite Books
The Skulduggery Pleasant series,
Favourite Writers
Anne Rice
Favourite Games
Legend of Dragoon, Luminous Arc
Tools of the Trade
pencils...that's all I got
Other Interests
Reading, writing, drawing, last and most loved yaoi

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Deviations91
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Watching54
Favourites315
Comments Made1.2K
Comments Received235

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Llama: Llamas are awesome! (1)
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Llama: Llamas are awesome!
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Comments

Ooooooh and the plot thickens deliciously. It's interesting to see that Oak has been behind the scenes orchestrating what was going to happen to Zanas just to try to make him go home. And the twist with Team Rock *Cough* I mean The Red Army was definitely awesome. Very ominous and threatening. I can't wait to see what this means for Zanas. Great job ^^
bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wik... Lol yep, I'm sure ;P

And no worries, I know editing is always a butt and seems never ending, but there's always those few things that sneak on by.
Dun dun duuuun well, that was unexpected and thrilling. You're right, now there's tons more questions about Zanas and I can't wait to find out what all this is about. That little bit about Red at the end was definitely tantalizing ^^ Man, and hopefully Babe is okay. She had it rough this chapter. If this is just the first Gym, I'm sure the others will be even more intense.

Now onto helpful things. I've noticed sometimes you put peoples dialogue with other people's actions in the same paragraph. What I mean by that is say Zanas speaks, but then Prince does an action right after, which can get confusing. Here's an example:

"As the Jaws came down in one swift motion, Zanas shouted the first thing that came to his mind, a reaction that he would question later.

"Kick it!" Babe complied, too stunned to think on her own, reacting on command and instinct as she spun her body around and threw her right leg into the roof of the beast's mouth, using as much force as she could muster in such a short burst."

It should be-

"As the Jaws came down in one swift motion, Zanas shouted the first thing that came to his mind, a reaction that he would question later.

"Kick it!" 

Babe complied, too stunned to think on her own, reacting on command and instinct as she spun her body around and threw her right leg into the roof of the beast's mouth, using as much force as she could muster in such a short burst."

It helps keep it straight who is talking and such. Just always think that when someone does/speaks you start a paragraph and when someone new does/speaks you make a new paragraph. Hopefully that's helpful. Great chapter ^^
Whoo and the Gym Battle commences! Though, I guess it's not really a Gym Battle. So The League doesn't exist anymore? Interesting. I'm really hoping that's explained further as to why O_o 

My favorite parts to the chapter were how the Geodudes came out of the building and especially the Onix. That was just epic. Though, I really suggest going back and proof reading again because there were several spelling mistakes and there were a couple of sentences that were...awkwardly written, I guess would be the word?

"maybe more unsettling than the shaking fit building back up in the trainer's hands again."

"laying on hiss to much with his tail laid across his back, past his face in a comedic fashion."

With the former I understand what it's saying, but its wording confused me at first and I had to read it a couple times to get it. And with the latter I'm sure it's just a simple case of a word being left out or something. 

Other than that great chapter and I can't wait to see how this ends!

P.S Oh and it's "Metapod" not "Medapod" btw :P
Hehe I hope you like the Gym battle! And, yes, Jazz wanted to make sure they were good and trained!