BEAR IN MIND that a "bad comic" is not a denomination I give away freely. This won't be another essay where someone complains about the Liefeld bad sort of stuff (mainly because I belong to the category of people that never got this fascination the comic boards have with Rob Liefeld. Why ? Because Liefeld's stuff to me is about as significant as a speck of dandruffs , simple as that...)
NO. A bad comic experience needs to be something that finally gets to anger me whether because it is horrendous, yet for some ungodly reason, praised or because it could have been SO MUCH BETTER than the shit they've done ... Or because I'd eviscerate it were it an alive organism , ruthlessly and unspeakably !
And I am a rather forgiving comic fan, I believe that some stories can be re-written stronger and better. I do believe in change and evolution but there is a huge distinction between pushing the enveloppe and bullshitting me or passing hackjobs as good work . We will cover it in 2 parts, starting with Marvel and I picked the ones that make me fc01.deviantart.net/fs35/f/200…
So what time is it, kids ?
And I advice you to read this in Anthony DeMartino's voice if you intend to do so out loud. (yes, it requires that you yell the words in capital letters.).
000 THE TWELVE 000
I should actually call it "Alan Davis's X-men run " because I found it about as agreable as walking with your bare feet on a sharp nail. It was seriously the time where the satellite books were not only far more worth reading than the core books, but it is a trend that would continue from that point and on .
So what is this ? Aside from showing Davis's inadequacy from handling some characters (if you want to see the total opposite, see how Kurt Busiek handled the Avengers ! He should have been given this story instead !) , it goes like this:
After more than a decade from the first mention of the fabled Twelve (way back in the late 80's, I guess the creative that preceeded could have found something better, but what do you know ? ALL their plot points got conveniently forgotten !), their story is finally (and very poorly ) told. It is revealed the legend of the Twelve is actually the grand design of Apocalypse, who started the rumors himself long ago. They are in fact twelve powerful mutants that Apocalypse wants to lure together, as he needs them to ascend to godhood. His master plan is to take their powers, combine them and transfer them into his body. After doing so he will be omnipotent...
Now it does not seem that bad, right ? Hell even the poster looks awesome comicbook.com/wp-content/uploa… , right ? But the execution was not even fucking worth the paper it was printed on.
Maybe Joe Casey at the time should not have left Cable (his run was rather good BTW, and he knew how to handle Apocalypse...), I was actually curious to see what he would have planned out ! It can only be better than this shit !
First off, it is boring , it is clearly the work of someone who wrote a bunch of ideas and concepts and put it on one single
A4 sheet of paper and gave it to the editors .
Then, it is way too contrived : There is no way in hell Apoc could include Nate Grey in a millenia-old plan (because Nate is a freaking anomaly ! He is a complete outsider cosmically speaking ! There is no way in hell anyone would have predicted that guy's appearance in this world !), no way in hell he could have brought back Bishop (he imprinted Bishop DNA or something like that, so that he could bring him back from any dimension on a drop of a dime when the time was necessary...NO ! He is my favorite x-men villain but even he has limits and knows it ! What kind of ass-pull is this !), Wolverine as a skrull but really the horseman Death (.. to be fair that had some nice moments when Warren , Kitty, Bettsy and Jubes try to stop him... But that's about it !)
Finally, and the main reason THIS story makes me go 1-media-cdn.foolz.us/ffuuka/bo… ... THE PURE WASTED POTENTIAL !
Let me point out that I love Cable. I daresay he's the character that made me get into the X-books, and stick around. But the guy was never given his rightful place while his evolution as a character is fascinating (but more on that another day...). They have been building up this final face-off against the big-A. All of those issues, timejumps, training, etc...and for what ? Apocalypse possesses Cyclops and Cable disperses his essence...WHAT ? Really? That's the epic battle? just for that? What a rip-off ! Seriously, were they THAT creatively bankrupt ?
I have to say that the X-men 4-parter "Beyond Good and Evil" would have, with the proper editing and slight changes, have been the PERFECT send-off for Apocalypse (besides, he would not have the restraints of censorship so some scenes could be more tastefully sadistic, something they don't get away with in the cartoon ! ). In those episodes, his plot to use the world's greatest psychics to recreate the universe in his own image from his headquarters in the Axis of Time is top notch. If THAT were the last we see of Apocalypse , I would have been happy ! At least he'd go away ceremoniously ! And that cartoon was from 1995 so there's no fucking excuse ! YOU HEAR ME , NO.... FUCKING ... EXCUSE to botch it !
And as a last note, X-Men Legends II , a VIDEO GAME, did everything that should be in an Apocalypse related-story RIGHT (If not having all the stuff I love about the X-franchise... why isn't this an anime already ?) ! So shame on you Comic ! SHAME ON YOU !
000 ORIGINS 000
I admit, I'm not the biggest Wolverine fan around here. You're gonna tell me that he was influential in the creation of a new breed of anti-heroes like Gambit,Deadpool, Cable or Bishop but as a matter of fact, these guys are superior characters.(Why ? I will get to that another day...).They proved that they can work on their own as well as parts of teams without taking all the glory for themselves, leaving also cool moments for their teammates... not to mention that their trials are tougher than his.
Logan ? He lost that characteristic when his fans became writers.
While I do like the 80's/90's/ Evolution Logan (the bone claws that unnerve a lot of people so much did not go in the way of likeability nor did they make me disrespect him. In fact, the bone clawed Logan is at least fucking heroic and fighting against his limitations. They could of kept on going in that direction and eventually had him ride off into the sunset and retire the character for at least a few years so that his return would be a big fucking deal...), I was far more fascinated by the characters around him (Jubilee made me interested in reading about him for starters), his enemies (Sabretooth simply surpasses him when you pay attention to how he was refined through the years...) or the organization behind his suffering that has only been well used once.
I won't lie though ,most Wolvie comics I kept are entertaining and he does make for good action and suspense. So of course, THIS is the book that will lead to his doom. THIS is a big factor in the overexposure that will erase Logan (and any sign of likability he had ), replacing by a cipher of a character that is so ubiquitous he'll try your patience. A character so invincible that he can survive a bomb blasting him to the bones ( and I am not joking here: EVEN DEADPOOL CALLED BULLSHIT ON THAT !) and so beloved by the Marvel regime that he'll be put in a fuckload of books every damn month.
Now why do I single out this story ? Well I don't have the time nor the volition to go through all the stuff he's been (mis)used in, so shooting the source would be the wisest move.
What is it about ?
A sickly boy named James Howlett in the late 1800s who gets riled up after some family intrigue with the farmhands (named Logan) and questionable parentage and finally pops his claws to reveal himself as you know who, killing his "true" father in the process.We get to spend five more issues with James on the run with playmate Rose through the lazy scenario meant to draw parallels with his current mythos... oh and he apparantly has a brother as an enemy, how innovative.
So if this story isn't Wolverine , then what is it ?
Well it is about Joe Quesada and Bill Jemas's failure that part of the whole character was the 'mystery' factor.
'Weapon X' is the only 'origin' of Wolverine that we really needed. Apart from the fact that it is an uncomparably better story, it told you all you really needed to know about why Logan is the way he is, how his brain got all scrambled, and how he got the adamantium. The mysterious past on top of all that is what made him worth reading, as well as an interesting contrast with the more regular folks he interacts with.
This on the other hand is just uneventful and boring tripe.
I do have to hand it to Andy Kubert and Richard Isanove for their efforts on the artwork... that is what I call wasting good art on something completely undeserving of it !
This is the book that ended up having a snowball effect on Wolverine. The very last time I found him to be a TRUE character , was back in Greg Rucka's run. Right after that, the "new Wolverine" you'll find in most comics nowadays is a walking cliche, and a despicable one at that.
No more is he a man who has constantly fought for his humanity and slipped because of circumstance--nope, The New one would kill at the bat of an eye. Instead of being independent and mysterious, everything he's ever done has been controlled by an external source. Instead of being a victim to Weapon X's or his personal enemies cruelty, his actions and hypocrisy make the whole ordeal something he deserves. But don't you DARE show him smoking a cigar! That would be morally and socially irresponsible!
'Kay I've been mildly annoyed till now... Let's crank up the rage , mmmmhhh... mikaelasptjallden.se/cp/donald…
You expected me to talk about this ! Come on, this is like my favorite thorn on the side, the duck season sign to my Daffy, the neighbor Jones to my Donald , the Brutus to my Caesar, the dog pound to my Sylvester , The ... well you get the point.
Now, many critics, sites and fans call it an exercise in greatness , literally praising every drawing, every line and every page of this book . They say it innovated EVERYTHING and is grand, intelligent story-telling and the characters have been given depth or growth thanks to Grant Morrison . Which is hilarious because :
a)it is neither intelligent nor innovative in its execution despite having 2 good concepts it never actually uses ...
b) there are few actual characters to speak of and certainly NONE of them are the established X-men . In fact they are either plot devices or cardboard cutouts that have as much dimensions as slasher flicks victims or pieces of the writer's drug-addled ego (though to be fair, he admitted that he was only doing the X-Men for the money and didn't care about the characters or the fans... Okay I took that factor into account .). And development ? Don't you make me fucking laugh.
Before we get to the burning sodomy that are the storylines, I feel compelled to argument and elaborate why these main characters have nothing to do with the x-men I've read about in previous runs (I got into comics rather late so I got to read different iterations around the same time. I am not motivated by nostalgia in the least if that's what you think...) and to do so I have this short guide, detailing the differences you will find between the TRUE x-man or x-woman and the "superior" Morrisonian counterpart... in the loosest sense of the word counterpart. Also I only selected the main characters or else we'd be here all year ...
90's Version: An authoritarian lawgiver who has trouble relaxing ( But when he does , he goes fighting dinosaurs in jungles !), but is reasonable and mature enough to do what's best for the group and is heroic when it counts. Has a son twice his age and also loves to play "n'golo n'golo dans la case" with Jean for more than 15 years . Hates mutated geneticists.
Morrison Version: Basically, to put it nicely, a worthless sack of shit. Pretty much no redeeming qualities whatsoever.Just in case you try to find one let me add that as a straight male, this "character" seems like an insult towards us (though no gender or orientation will be spared in this run I assure you...). There is no realistic , conceivable or logical way the team could have functioned under his command based on how whiny and amoral of a jerk he is and the incompetence he displays during his fights. Also lets bloodthirsty killers walk free despite interacting with them a second ago. Has no qualms with adultery or kissing hookers in front of his wife'grave whose corpse is not even cold.
90's Version: Everyone's favorite blue-furred intellectual ! Henry McCoy is impossible to dislike due to how balanced his qualities are. He even is part of the Avengers due to how great his power of kicking ass is ! Loves to socialize , please the ladies, read, quote Tennison and has "fascinating!" as a catch-phrase . Also hates evil counterparts from another reality.
Morrison Version: A supposed genius whose inadequacy and competence makes me even doubt that he knows how to even cook fucking beans. Designed to illustrate the author's rampaging cat fetish and to be as effective in combat as a blind amoeba.Takes the brunt of the creative team's unhealthy sadism. Becomes gay at the drop of a hat (because it is shocking ? or horribly insulting ? you pick !) and makes jokes around still fresh and wet corpses of innocent people that got burnt to the bone. Cosplays as Apocalypse in the future because he snorted too much drugs that made him possessed by sapient bacteria ...
# Jean Grey
90's Version: A kind, competent yet Donald Duck-tempered redhead who is the first feminine member the team ever had. Has 2 kids from clones or alternate future homologues,a clone whose life is a greek tragedy, yet remains down-to-earth despite that. Fights against mengeleesque scientists, supershapeshifting darwinists, scheming high-society people & teachers. Loves to play the "Hidden Banana" game with Scott . Hates immortal space chicken.
Morrison Version: A dead meat Plot Device. Take all the development of 16 years ago and throw it to the garbage cold turkey. The whole relationship is a sham because the foundation of good writing is to ignore whatever happened in said character history . Has the power of a goddess, can survive in the sun but is killed by the equivalent of putting her fingers in the wall plug. Dies like Kenny McCormick and showcases how wives are nothing but restraints to their husbands. Succeeds in ripping off "One More Day" 4 years before it was written !
90's version: The most gregarious loner of all comics. An old amnesiac with balls of adamantium and a reasonable healing factor (so yes, he can actually die and get hurt ...). Solved his rivalry with Scott Summers long ago but still loathes long-clawed cyborgs, coil-wielding soldiers and lecteresque psychopaths. Tends to form father/uncle-like bonds with teenage girls.
Morrison version: A non-entity. Just thrown around to make jokes around beer and dick sizes... that's about it. Actually does the same mistake the first moron I mentioned did: Letting murderous psychos walk around as if they did not matter. Has an ugly as sin face in sooo many panels !
# Emma Frost
90's version: White Queen of the Hellfire Club and self-made pragmatic business-woman. Reformed due to the loss of the Hellions and became one of the core mentors of Generation X. A telepath who burnt the asylum where she was locked during her young years. About as harmless and gentle as Sofiya Pavlovena. Has actual blond hair.Shoots to kill.
Morrison version : Lady Mary Sue. Morrison's biggest mouthpiece character in a run filled with mouthpieces and cardboards! Has even less redeeming traits than his version of Summers if that's even possible and the subtlety of a Friday the 13th victim (unfortunately does not die even smashed to itsy bitsy pieces...). Spouts vapid comments and jokes in a british accent (because all british are, of course, unbearably snooty... ) with the wit of a spoiled teenager as seen in MTV's sweet sixteen . Does multiply like genital crabs, had plastic surgery (because that is supposedly only for shallow people...) , turns into diamond for some reason (secondary mutation ? My scrotum !) and promotes adultery because ... it's hip and edgy I guess ?
# Professor X
90's version: Founder of the x-men. Should have died at the end of Onslaught due to outliving his usefulness as a character and to spare at least 40% of this bullshit... Seriously , think about it !Not to say I dislike Professor X personally, but post-Onslaught, he will become such a giant scapegoat that the character will be completely void of any value ...
Morrison Version : Same here. Even made worse by the fact that we have to see him naked more times than necessary (and the needed amount for Xavier being naked for me is 0 or a negative number !)
Now to see the plots and storylines themselves . You could not believe that good stories could be made with such a loathsome cast... well you're right, there aren't ! Think I am unfair? Allow me to discuss each arc then (I will try not to be too mean ...):
- The X-Men are NOT superheroes! All the decades where they have been wearing costumes and battling everybody from Doom to Magneto to Count Nefaria etc... Well, these do not count. Why ? Because the "hip" and "edgy" writer said so...
- Genosha gets blown away in 2 pages by sentinels (despite having more powerful mutants than the sentinels.Where are those ? Fuck if I know !). Of course this is used to pointlessly retcon Polaris as Magneto's daughter, because having similar powers MUST mean that you are related ... Idiots.
- The secret cabal of scheming mutants known as the Hellfire Club from is now just an average strip club but with mutants where you get a waiter who tries to pass as Sebatian Shaw but ends up as imposing and threatening as Jake Shears.Of course , Not!Cyke does not show the least bit of antagonism towards the guy...
- The X-corps basically hires ANYONE. So even if you're an unstable psychopath like Feral, you get your membership card no questions asked only because you're a mutant...Just think about it...
- Being ugly is now a requirement for every student at the Xavier institute. That would be fine and dandy (I don't mind the grotesque) but we have to get the "oh so subtle" social commentary on how teens are drug-snorting and destructive monsters in a plot that seems like a re-hash of the last arc of the GTO manga . Also, one student only speaks in fart jokes and we get a fly and a chicken getting jiggy with it...
- The X in the weapon X project actually stands for the roman numerial ten meaning that there were multiple "weapons" both before and after Wolverine.ACTUALLY a good idea, which won't be taken the least bit advantage of (except in Tieri's Weapon X run...). Also it is fair to note that Fantomex ( Charles Cluster ) makes for the only fucking decent person in this donkey's anus of a run... Yep, the cyborg that is supposed to weird me out is possibly the most grounded character in this whole BS. what are the fucking odds !
- Cassandra Nova. JUST Cassandra Nova. This is the proof that LSD is bad for you ! So apparantly she is the unknown twin sister of Charles Xavier (because being his father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate made too much sense I guess.) who was stillborn at birth and spent 40 years clinging to a sewer (yeah, hospitals do not cremate fetuses, it's a dying art !) until her body and intellect could grow to menace the X-men (... Don't look at me ! I did not come up with that !). Eventually she mind-hops a few times (because fetuses can do that !), dupes the Shi'ar (with the passing mention that she banged Lillandra... How sweet...), and ends up trapped in a large slug due to Paris Hilton's cunning. All in all , this made much more sense when it was a Ren and Stimpy episode ...
- Magneto (who REALLY needs a fucking re-imagining or a retirement since Fatal Attractions...) is revealed as the big villain who was disguised as Xorn (why him ? Seriously, why Magneto ? Aren't there more logical villains up to this task ?). Because the most credible disguise ever is a mutant who has a star for brain and can dupe powerful telepaths ... HOW DOES THIS FUCKING TWIST EVEN MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE !
" I impersonate some chinese prisonner all this time to fool the x-men on my asteroid on which I spent time & money god knows where it came from. Then I build a fearsome group with a fly woman, a chicken, a piece of cum dumpster jailbait, an old woman who'll rebel by saying genocide isn't IN anymore (true, tell that to dictators...) & a brain in a jar! Who needs Frenzy, Exodus, Fourarm, Scanner, Amelia, Unuscione, Chrome or Byron when I have that army! Then I kill Jean in phoenix mode because the plot said so & then Logan can behead me (& you didn't shove a metal pipe up his ass because...) .MWAHAHAAHAA, now where's my cocaine?"
- Finally in the future ... Clawed hairball leads the resistance against Not!Beast. Not!Beast is possessed by Sublime (due to drug overdose),sullies the name of Apocalypse (who really needs to sue his ass...), wants to take the Phoenix egg for himself (Okay , to whoever okayed this concept farm4.static.flickr.com/3124/2… ), orders the killing of the last whale, produces Not!Nightcrawlers and is decapitated, after being cured by Space Chicken with Boobies, by ... Deadpool's uglier cousin ?
And we wrap all this by having a kissing scene about as tasteful as "A Serbian Film". If this were Hellraiser, imagine Frank Cotton getting away with Julia at the end without any repercussion or punishment whatsoever.
Now, did I make myself clear ? If this is what you call intelligent , groundbreaking comics, then I am a living God. Because I did not fabricate a single thing, I gave it to you as IT IS ! So much for "brilliance" ...
000 UNCANNY X-MEN/ X-MEN ( Chuck Austen ) 000
Come on, I cannot deny Austen his medal ! I mean, he did not officially work WITH Morrison and yet they both managed to create something that could probably be the result of team-effort ! All hail the right time such geniuses worked together.
Both had the same quality of ignominy . They are so close that I cannot select a winner: colon cancer is not a nice alternative to sodomised with a heated metal stick...
I can do nothing but admire their consistency & the fact that successors like Milligan & Brubaker followed into making the heroes ... well... nothing like heroes really. But we will get to this in another paragraph...
Austen was a novice who should've been writing Ultimate X-Men (His Gambit 2-parter in that book was fucking excellent ! In fact, if Gambit had to be introduced in a new animated series, that would be a neat inspiration) or Exiles (Except his X-over with the main earth that I ignore, his other issues on the book are great !).
But here ?! Oh lord ! I have been warned this was bad ...but damn if it isn't imaginatively dreadful. Then again he does have a tool in common with Morrison when it comes to writing : NOT doing any research when it comes to characterization (and I really mean NO research , because this quality of wretchedness is quite an effort !). Now let's discuss some of his ideas...
- The church of Humanity ,run by a nun (disguised as a man), uses Kurt Wagner (who I think gets the silver medal in taking the most damages in this run... Thank God for Sacasa's solo !) to reenact a scene from Protestant mythos, to scare Catholics away from the Catholic church. With exploding communion wafers.But , that is not the worst PART in this rubbish ...
-The Draco. Just the Draco ! Nightcrawler's father is revealed to be a devil ( Now a less cliche idea would be that Kurt's dad was Dark Helmet from Spaceballs but it was unfortunately nixed... what a shame...). But wait ! He is not a devil but actually an ancient mutant (Somewhere , Apocalypse and Selene are yelling in rage !) who the "character" of Satan was based on (Now Mephisto is cursing !). It is also revealed that Kurt has about 20 half-brothers and sisters who have similar blue fur... You know what ? This is how the damn conversation should if Kurt was in character ...
Azz " Yes Kurt, I AM YOUR FATHER ! " (thunder strikes)
Kurt "Really ? I thought it was that german baron guy ... but hey, with Mystique I may never know."
Azz " No! I am!"
Kurt "alright alright. Let's discuss it calmly..."
Azz " wait? Aren't you even surprised ? That your father is a DEMON!"
Kurt " I am a long time x-man ,professional explorer & president of the Errol Flynn fanclub. I have been in Excalibur & seen a nazi alternate self I had to fight. I have the patience to STAND Brian Braddock .See as an escrime teacher/ priest/ sexy arche kicker ... a demon as a father , that's small potatoes. And clearly , your plan is not that logical "father".
Azz " don't you badmouth me boy! I know what I'm doing!"
Kurt " ... Indeed you do. A breeding portal? Who are you ? Rocco Siffredi ?"
Azz " Hey ! at least my plan isn't as ridiculous as Xorn's !
Kurt " aha! you got a point here !"
-Annie, the new nurse of Xavier's school, is afraid of mutants while her son is a mutant and she took a job at a fucking mutant school ... Just reread this concept. There you go ! Also Chuck thought brilliant to make Havok his semi-author avatar
(though I won't discuss the way he revived Iceman ... it disturbs me when I think too much about it . animationreview.files.wordpres… )
-Today, Polaris's part will be played by your average psychotic girlfriend... also she's Magneto's daughter for some fucking reason.
-The Juggernaut becomes a team member... Okay. That is not a bad idea at all ! (Thunderbolts would have been the best choice for him and Venom . Well for him, I hear it was done , so better late than never. For Venom ? Too late ...). The problem is that seeing how wretched the "X-men" are in this run, it is kind of a waste.But it is true that Cain Marko was actually set to be reformed a long time ago, so this is not problematic.
He forms a fraternal relationship with Sammy the Squid Boy... who unfortunately gets killed by the end of Chuck's run.
Way to go and kill the one likable character you made ! That's edgy writing , isn't it ?
-Archangel becomes Angel again with the secondary mutation of healing factor (How original...), and gets in a romance with... You know what ? Fuck it. THIS is it ! The gold medal for getting unspeakably raped in this run goe to Generation X ! This is what they mean to me devilkais.deviantart.com/art/G… , so I won't dvelve into what happens here for not getting too vulgar or offensive. If I have to sum it up; While Young Justice got the Chironex fleckeri treatment, Generation got sarin-gassed... 2.bp.blogspot.com/-9FYjqgZG6Fo…
- Gambit gets blinded , as in eyes get blown-up, and no one gives a damn. I guess sympathy is for losers, no wonder I don't give a fuck about the current "mainstream" iterations ...
-The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants strikes again ! Because they are such a fresh fucking concept, aren't they ? This group includes the Mojo tree...errr... I mean Black Tom, Mammomax (whose power is to be a litteral elephant-man), Nocturne (Idiotorial mandate , don't ask...), Sabretooth (who just left a book that got cancelled and was much fucking better... and wouldn't you know ? He is misused ...horribly.) and Exodus (... Yep... Exodus... as in "a powerhouse that necessitates an entire team to be defeated or at least hurt ! A guy who has some of the most devastating psi-blasts and a seasoned telepath . He gets misused tenfold ... Okay, at this point , 3 words : go fuck yourself .)
Also exactly one story prior to this, Xorn's twin brother is here... well I guess Morrison's ideas are like warts , they do keep coming back (personal experience speaking here ...). Then Xorn gets killed...or not... who cares ! It was a shit idea in the original , it is a shit idea to bring it back. So sorry guys, but I guess this puts hacks at the same plane of awfulness here...
-The Juggernaut and She-Hulk get jiggy with it until they get interrupted by an evil Juggernaut. At the end of this titanic confrontation, we discover that it was just a kid in a Juggernaut armor... What ?
So there you got it. The 2 runs that immolated the core books. But after those , I focused on the Spin-off books, and you know what ? Exiles, Cable & Deadpool , Gambit, District X , Nightcrawler, Mystique, Weapon X, Jubilee ranked from entertaining to pretty damn great ! But they are mere spin-offs and minis, jeesh I wonder when the cerebral damage will be fatal OH wait for it ...
000 AVENGERS DISASSEMBLED 000
Austen got to write the Avengers ... it was also dreadful. Bendis is next and manages to make it both dreadful and BORING !
In fact , I think I will have to put this one down bullet points style ...
- Janet jokes about Wanda not having kids. I could spend the night saying why I find these 2 characters awesome (my favorite Avengers actually...), but then again I remember that Bendis is as good with the Avengers as Morrison is with the X-men. The difference is that the cardboards list would be too fucking long to write and would be repetitive .
But as for the point at hand, WHO SPEAKS LIGHTLY OF SUBJECTS LIKE THIS ? And no, Wanda KNOWS that.... but hackery trumps over consistency .
- Weird stuff happens and kills D-listers (because good writing works that way !):
- Jack of Hearts (who actually died in a far better story..) detonates, killing Ant-Man (Scott Lang) destroying half of the mansion.
- The Vision crashes a Quinjet onto the site, only to attack the survivors of the explosion with a small army of Ultron robots. During this attack, She-Hulk goes into a frenzy, resulting in her tearing Vision apart.(well like in every good characterization butchery,always go for their loved ones !)
- Tony Stark starts acting drunk and threatens to kill the Latverian ambassador (Cliche ? Naaah...)
- Wasp is still small wean and in a coma, so the doctors do not know what to do with her... www.prosportstickers.com/produ…
- BUT THE MYSTERY IS REVEALED, my friends ! Doctor Strange , of all people , appears out of nowhere to provide the answers our heroes were apparantly too dumb to figure out... What is it ? Wanda did it ! Why ? Because she didn't earn or can ever learn how to control her powers. Just a moment ... www.reactiongifs.com/wp-conten…
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ? Agatha Harkness trained Wanda to control her powers. And furthermore , SHE IS BORN with hex powers (it is her mutation).
- Doctor Strange manages to stop Wanda by placing her in a trance with the Eye of Agamotto, she is subsequently taken away by her father Magneto, who acknowledges the mistakes he made in raising her.
I repeat : she is subsequently taken away by her father MAGNETO ... 25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m76… You mean the same guy she and her brother deny as being their father ? The man she called a tyrant and a murderer ? And the Avengers let them go... So that Bendis can get his wet dreams in glorifying Luke Cage , adding Spider-man and Wolverine in the team ( like a fanfic anyone would write actually...) and killing any character he does not care about (quality writing...).
... Oh well , 2 last fucking steps...
Well, we've been through a lot... Let's take a break first! 31.media.tumblr.com/d61dc68369…
So, after the Avengers got replaced by a deus ex Machina and incompetent clods , they decide to arrange a meeting of the Avengers, the X-Men and several lone heroes to Avengers Towers to decide the fate of Wanda Maximoff ( in shape only though , all the substance her character had was gone a long time ago. And if any of you is gonna tell me about Young Avengers, well , it was good but it definitely was not worth this abominable farce ! ).
Paris Hilton says that killing Wanda is the only way to end her destructive magic while Captain America argues that the group should find another way. The "X-Men" argue that if word gets out that a mutant with the ability to change reality went insane (errr... no she doesn't have THAT ability. That is an ass-pull.), it would "send human-mutant relations back to the stone-age."... That is their biggest concern ? Not the innocents that could get killed in the process ?What I'd give to see Stryfe appear out of nowhere and dice them then put their heads on pikes ...
Professor X asked Doctor Strange to help Wanda, but unfortunately neither was strong enough to combat her magic (then call Dr Orpheus, at least it'd be funny...). Wolverine speaks up, saying that there is no other way—Wanda must be killed. The rest of the group, however, decides that they must talk to Wanda in person before making their decision.( Verbose ! The secret of exciting story-telling !)
Back in Genosha, Quicksilver rushes to Magneto and reveals that he was just in New York where he heard that the X-Men and Avengers are planning on killing Wanda....
Quicksilver ...runs .... TO MAGNETO... 25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m76… . ANYHOW...
Magneto replies that he does not know what to do (at least that is consistent !).
Xavier takes the two groups to Genosha, only to discover that Wanda is missing. Suddenly,everything becomes engulfed by a white light ! Dun dun DUMB !
A new reality is created ! Apparantly they confused Wanda's abilities with the fucking infinity gauntlet ! Go figure.
So apparantly in this new universe, everyone has their hearts desires granted ... well maybe not everyone , Captain America is a decrepit old mummy but Magneto is the fucking law ! Oh, Of all the mutants only Wolverine is able to recall the events of the "alternate reality"... No explanation as to WHY !
So he goes with the writer's pet character...err I mean Luke Cage and McGuffin ..err... Layla Mil... no , on second thought Plot Device is appropriate ! Plot Device makes everyone remember the original reality whenever they meet her gaze. Everyone is pissed off so they go to take down Magneto who will be supposed to feel sorry for at the end of the story ... 1.bp.blogspot.com/_mJ4lc_Q9Q6k…
At the end, it is revealed that Quicksilver was responsible, Magneto kills him , Wanda revives him and then yells NO MORE MUTANTS ! so that everything returns to normal... v005o.popscreen.com/eGpsNjU5MT…
Is it an emotional tear jerker ? A tragedy ? NO IT IS NOT !
You know what it really is ? Well ,because Quesada wanted less mutants, we have this ridden piece of trash comic. HoM raped ,violated then threw vitriol at the Scarlet Witch's character and reputation to carry out an editorial mandate for them to "shake up" the Marvel Universe.
The consequences ?
- Milligan's garbage of a run
- Brubaker's garbage of a run (Seriously ? you people want me to acknowledge Vulcan ?)
- Hawkeye is resurrected ... somehow I can't cheer, and I like Clint Barton... but I just can't.
- Wolverine's total recall of his past (convolution and contrivance Hurray !)
- Exiles gets its neck snapped ... I lost interest after THIS crap infected it...
- The disappearance of Meggan and return of Captain Britain to the United Kingdom as a result of preventing the destruction of all realities from the strain of the House of M rewriting the Earth-616 reality... errr I don't care so whatever.
- Illyana Rasputin was reborn as Darkchylde... why ?
- The entire "x-men" purpose is re-written : Now we have to cheer we have for the worst. Not!Cyclops is our supposed hero and he and his whore will take all the spotlight for themselves. And we have the greatest excuse ever to invalidate any accusation towards this "great" leader: "I'm trying to save our race". Blow me ! This just is not Cyclops, not by any stretch of imagination. People praise THIS "iteration"... no idea why ! Maybe because he has busty Barbie with him and the rest of the team is just wall painting. I mean for god sake , when the writers are trying to set up "Cyclops" as the hero for the mutant "race", what does that say about them ?
This book also touches on one of my major gripes with Magneto.
Other big baddies are devalued to make him look good. You really expect me to buy that Dr Doom and Apocalypse would bow to him ? HORSESHIT !
Doom NEVER bows to anyone ! EVER ! He is pure narcissism, pride, pettiness and viciousness under amounts of genius. And as for Apocalypse ... am I the only one who remembers what the young En Sabah Nur told Rama-Tut ? And he was unnarmed at that moment. Apoc is the kind that prefers death to submission, his mantra also applies to himself.
Also, for all the good stories there are about him or the praises he got , Magneto is less polyvalent than a truckload of villains, including the 2 I've mentionned !
OKay ... Now , Who's up for desserts ? Cause We still have the Avengers to bury !
One of the worst excuses for storytelling I've ever read, but the unfortunately logical follow-up to the previous garbage. This is one of those stories whose execution is so contrived that the best reaction should be `Oh, come ON! No-one in the WORLD is so easily manipulated!'.
Anyone who knows the Marvel universe in general will tell you this story is COMPLETELY INCOMPATIBLE with the world it is set in, making the whole premise pretty flimsy. Why ? Because in a world where THESE guys devilkais.deviantart.com/art/M… make for the 'typical' criminals, superhero "registration " should be priority # 56482185 . Trying to make it "realistic" or so hamfistedly politically relevant dooms the suspension of disbelief.
Not to mention that I saw far superior stories with bigger disasters ,plots not depending on everyone being an asshat and heroes manage to act.. well... heroic ! But that's for another day...
So what happens here ?
After the supervillain Nitro explodes, 600 people are killed in Stamford (with the New Warriors and Speedball's personality... Fun? What is this "fun" you speak of ?). Somehow, the superheroes are at fault ( Just a quick check guys, Why the fuck was Nitro free ? You know this could happen right ? So what is he doing in the suburbs ? Anyone ...). Tony Stark feels more guilt-tripped than ever and decides to be the government's lapdog and put in jail whoever refuses to register. The same Iron Man who had trouble with the same government who wanted the secrets of his armor ? And that he willingly OPPOSED ? I don't think so.
Captain America is chased for not wanting to sign this registration ... Why would he ? The governement fucking CREATED him ! how could they forget that shit ?
Then , just for a mere hors-d'oeuvre before the abysmal cretinism of the main course: Spider-Man UNMASKS HIMSELF IN FRONT OF NEW-YORK ! That sentence on its own feels wrong ... Actually Spidey's entire character is buttfucked in this trash . It's funny how a seasoned superhero like him who survives the Goblins, Doc Ock , the Sinister Six, Venom, Carnage and Morlun is spanked by fucking Jack O'Lantern and the Jester ! I guess this is where it's the end for him...
BUT the Bullshit ladies and gentlemen , starts with the FIRST BIG fight between heroes ... In fact let's see the teams:
- Team Cap
Wolverine (who isn't fucking here !)
Nextwave (who TRULY are in a much better book !)
The Young Avengers (to fill the cameos ...)
Cable (who will be destroyed prior to the Messiah BS with Nicieza's departure to DC, but is also the voice of reason in the fucking TIE-IN !)
Cloak and Dagger... Okay , actually every second stringer in the Marvel Universe who gets NO respect .
- Iron Man's
A Thor clone
The Sentry (.. Fuck you Bendis...)
Ms. Marvel The original Captain Marvel (the one they swore NEVER to resurrect)
Deadpool (did not fight... but see Cable above, Wade was far more reasonable than the "heroic" jackasses in this crap !)
Hank Pym (character development ? What's that ?)
Bishop (oh come on Lucas ! What the fuck are you doing here ? Isn't your motto to protect and serve ?!)
Janet Van Dyne
Most heavy weights...
Jeesh, I wonder who's gonna win ?
Needless to say, characters who have fought side-by-side for decades as friends and teammates immediately begin assaulting each other using all the deadly force at their disposal (Yay for heroism I guess...). The book however DIES litterally when Goliath DIES , shot in the heart by Robothor...
Instead of reacting like how stable humans do in front of a fucking First degree HOMOCIDE ( BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT OF DESIGNING THIS FUCKING THING THAT WAY !), like stop fighting and at the very least saying that this shit REALLY went too far... Nope . The main reaction is : Bah, he's a D-lister who cares ? I am not even kidding ! Not a shred of regret is shown when their fucking friend has a bleeding hole in the heart that THEY CAUSED .And no, 2 panels of sad faces do not fucking COUNT !
At this point on, everyone acts like a dickhole . Mark Millar himself said in an interview "It's basically an Iron Man story." but I heavily disagree. Michelinie , Kaminski or Busiek's takes on Tony show him as a guy who a) TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS b) Cares about the people around him ! Shit like this story makes me think this was written for a less likable version of Obadiah Stane !
There is no point continuing...you guys know the drill: Not!Tony wins through heavy-handed political commentary, Not!Steve cries and gives up and the Initiative takes place making you wish for Kang, Ultron , Annihilus or Apocalypse to come back and destroy this goddamn place already !
In fact, the final battle made me wish this gentleman upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia… appeared and started butchering the out-of-character shells out of our misery while this plays in the background www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYMBOy… . Why ? Because that'd be called mercy killing at this point !
BTW, One More day was nothing more but the logical result of this debacle. In fact, Otto Octavius was far more deserving of the protagonist throne than the Not!Peter that has been insultingly shoved down our throats since Brand New Day (and when your foes are far worthier than you, it is indeed time to bail out!).
So this concludes our little tale ... You have now seen the Marvel stories that did anger me and why I stick to the stuff I enjoy from them... Which has for the most part vanished , but on the bright side Selection is easier XD . There are other stories that I really dislike, but I had to pick the bitterest of biles , the cream of loathing , what really angers me !
I promise next thing I will post should be more joyful, but filled with cockroaches and necrophagic insects ! See ya 4.bp.blogspot.com/-NVkNFrNDQLA… !
How to achieve Peace...
Speedreading on KOF...
Honestly, I think Bendis should stick to writing penny dreadful-type novels since he clearly doesn't get the superhero genre, tends to write characters who talk and act like they came from an R-rated C-list television production...
That's another annoying trend of his. Everyone has the same goddamn voice ! Now, I hear his Daredevil run did not suffer too much from that but, errr, there are plenty of other runs I'd check before his, like Chiechester's or Nocenti's...
At what level specifically?
- Mid-Low(Heal only up to scars)?
- High-Low(Heal only up to severed fingers)?
- or Low-Mid(Heal only up to severed limbs)?
The Crossing: Ok, this one I was tempted to add but everything was fixed and solved away by the time Busiek was rocking the Avengers... EVEN SO, I find it damn sad because I do LOVE the Harras/Epting Avengers run and the excellent Kaminski Iron Man which to this day has not been properly collected ! It stands to reason that heroin is not a good writing tool. A shame Century disappeared after this, I do like the guy ...
Ultimate Iron Man and Ultimate Armor Wars: Between us, I REALLY don't like the Ultimate marvel imprint. In fact, the only character I did love was Gambit... and that's because the core of the classic version is INTACT with that re-interpretation. The rest ? Hey, let's make Wolverine a pedophilic rapist I am sure that's what jibes with the young people today ! As for Iron Man... you know what I think of Mark Millar and THAT should've been the fucking ALARM as to what'd happen. Ultimate Armor Wars ? Ellis wrote it ? lemme guess, he scripted it between 2 beers and while taking a leak ?
One More Day: see Civil War...
Sins Past ; I actually riffed this one if you're interested XD Sins Past : The Re-Sorta-view
Ultimatum: It's trash BUT there's one silver lining 2.bp.blogspot.com/_4irVuZamOhA… Granted I wish 90's Cyclops (the best cyclops) got to do it but I'll take what I can get...
Marvel Now Spider-Man: No opinion there...
Superior Iron Man, International Iron Man : I left with Fraction and it seems I made the right move...
X-Men Blue, Gold, Red : Those are measle compared to the colon cancer that is Morrison's New X-men...
Tony Stark: Iron Man ... yup definitely a good decision on my part to get off the bus.
With that said, I wouldn't like to appear as some negative nancy (heaven knows the internet is fucking infested with those...) so here are nice things Favorite Marvel Events
"Marvel Now Spider-Man: No opinion there..."
I think he's talking about Superior Spider-Man...or Avenging Spider-Man once Otto took over as the lead there before it became Superior Spider-Man Team-Up...or maybe he's referring to the post-Superior Amazing Spider-Man.
You were however wrong about one thing:
" The "X-Men" argue that if word gets out that a mutant with the ability to change reality went insane (errr... no she doesn't have THAT ability. That is an ass-pull.),"
This was actually established in John Byrne's run on the West Coast Avengers. Now while I generally like Byrne's work I did not in fact like the idea of changing ("discovering") that Wanda's hex powers were actually a form of reality manipulation. On top of that Byrne turned her into a short-lived baddie soon after that who wanted nothing but to please her father Magneto...WTF? Everything got set right pretty soon but before that happened its implied that Wanda did something very rapey to Wonder Man. Much as I generally like Byrne as a writer he has a fucking misogynistic streak a mile wide. In a heartbeat he can go from making you love She Hulk for instance to dumping her into the most disrespectful of situations.
And when it comes to X-men , here's one of the few that was doing the proper job of helping others whether mutants or not during the 00's Nathan in mind and body... So it makes sense to completely ostracize him.
Here is the thing about Wanda; even if it were "Reality Manipulation", it was a really small scale in the Byrne arcs (though kudos to Roy Thomas for concluding that story in a very satisfying fashion ! Didn't see Immortus' involvement go that way.). Hell, it was negligible compared to what The Mandarin pulled with the Thuviskaroth of Cathaphylaxis, or Arcadia Deville's breakdown or Thanos' Infinity Gauntlet. But Bendis, asswipe that he is , shat all over it and made her do stuff Mxyzptlk would call haxxed !
I would say Byrne has a sexist streak than a mysoginistic one (mysoginy is an outright LOATHING of women and to that definition, I felt Morrison or Quesada rubbed closer to that far as I was concerned ... "all I ever did was dying on you"... because these guys never counted Trio Of BOSSES... you know ?)
I am gglad you enjoyed this essay, if you want more controversial content , there you go XD Days Of Fair To Middling Past...
Since I took a wrong turn somewhere I might as well give my own two cents.
THE TWELVE: sadly, I have read this, at the time when I was still trying to figure the whole X-Men lore out. I think I read it because after seeing the 90s cartoon I wanted to read a story with Apocalypse in it. Didn’t know I had already seen the better version in “Beyond Good and Evil”.
ORIGINS: never read this one but I did see the movie and if this is the one responsible for the whole James Howlett stuff then I didn’t miss out.
NEW X-MEN: there must be a god that I found your works before I had time to read this. Now I can’t even imagine trying to go through this.
After Generation X I don’t think I could handle this Emma.
UNCANNY X-MEN/X-MEN: haven’t read these but if this is where the whole Juggernaut/She-Hulk happened then no thank you.
AVENGERS DISASSEMBLED: this one I knew about since I had read what follows. And I suppose it had to be Scarlet Witch who was the villain here. I mean it’s not like Marvel had any other mutant with astonishing reality altering powers that she couldn’t quite control yet that they could use here. *cough*arcadiadevillequeenofthestarswords*cough*
HOUSE OF M: this I did read around the time I was trying to figure out what is good stuff. It wasn’t this. And yes, it frustrates me now to remember that in this story both the Big A and Doctor freaking Doom were used as minor villains.
CIVIL WAR: never read it, don’t need to.
Once again your rants are fun to read, no matter if they praise or curse stuff.
* ... actually it is UNGODLY uneventful. Seriously, there is even a Sabretooth knock-off that is supposedly Wolvie's brother...yup, you see what was the source for that shitty movie...
* If you ever read it out of curiosity, grab a paper and out an X every time a character is unrecognizable/something completely stupid happens.
* And Gen X gets crucified...
* Well it had to be, Wanda is a gipsy ! So I suppose this automatically makes her an evil character... and yes the Avengers hand her over to Magneto...
* See ! When Apocalypse is in charge , characters and readers bENEFIT from it ! With Magneto in charge you get this shit...
* Reading the summary is all you need to disbelieve its bottomless stupidity...
Why thanks, there will be another rant veeeery soon ! And it's about a very (undeservedly) praised run...
Let's say I like to use Apocalypse's "get 12 mutants to be a god" plan, but I want it to be good, in fact, so good that the original story is blown off tge face of the earth.
I have a couple of ideas of how to make it good and give us a AoA bad future. But I would like to hear your thoughts.
now the second half of the season (after the X-Men took down the Facility (aka Weapon X) consists entirely of the mutants fighting the cult members all the while they are being kidnapped one or two at a time, starting with Xavier and Jean Grey, two telepaths, to blind the X-Men. And instead of Bishop (who in my version his present day version is a teenage mutant living in M-Town New York.) The representivie of Time could be filled in by Kiden Nixon, who does not know the full extent of her powers. (And before you ask, no, X-23 does not become a prostitute in my world, but she did move to Queens with the Kinneys and up with Spider-Man.) It continues onwards until Cable arrives to warn the X-Men about how the Age of Apocalypse is coming. Afterwards Cable, (since you had issues with it originally) meets present day ENB and the two brawled in this epic one v one battle worthy of Samurai Jack, but before Cable could finish it, ENB told Cable the twelth mutant is him and ZAP! It was a trap. Amd now with all 12 pieces in place, ENB is ready to ascend into "godhood."
((I really suck at descriptions ))
Now Apoc infiltrating Weapon X is a nice concept. Personally, the BEST status quo would be Nur and Essex locked into sort of a Cold war. Apoc wants to achieve deity and make the world a better place (as he sees it) while Essex wants to acquire this technology for conducting experiments at a faster or more productive rate.
Kiden Nixon... why not ? That´s not a bad idea. I´d leave Bishop as an adult. I mean, he´s always been kind of a constant in the equation..
´s long as Laura is friends with Jubes and Gen-X, you have my blessing.
The X-men taking down the facility would be amazing: the sacrifice of Agent Zero, Wade showing that he has redeemable traits by saving Vanessa, Marrow playing all sides to confront Creed, Creed having his own agenda.... Yeah, the sky´s the limit !
Cable VS Apocalypse as you describe it... yeah I dig it.
Something weird I´ll have to confess, I imagine the characters with these looks devilkais.deviantart.com/art/X… .
As for that Nur and Essex cold war, I imagined Essex as this modern day social dawinist scientis who recently met Nur and was intriqued with what he ofered but down the line Essex found out that Nur is not the right answer to the equation
As the prophecy said "time and space" Nixon controls time and Rasputin controls space.
Deadpool would later kill Ajax before Logan could interrogate him about who is Romulus. (Again, I want to take certain characters people hate, find out why people hate them and make them better then the comics version, that's my goal.) and while the X-Men is doing that, Laura is in Spider-Man's show teamin up when Kimura kidnapping the stronger mutants in M-Town (resulting in Laura stating she is not a number and drowns Kimura cause y'know, healing factor needs oxygen to work. Yes I like the All New Wolverine comic especially with Johnathan, an actual Wolverine.) Plus making Bishop a teen is a more logical choice for me since by the time of Days of Future's Past he would be in his 30s and 40s.
Another thing about Cable, when the Age of Apocalypse future is averted, I plan to have Cable to have actual cyborg parts to replace his liquid metal parts since the virus was made in the AoA timeline. This whole "Status Quo is God" philosophy to me is stupid, these are living timelines i'm making the characters live and die like people.