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© 2017 - 2019 DestinyBlue

Hello, I'm suicidal.

The thin ice has cracked, and I've slipped through, into freezing water.

I'm drowning. Fighting for breath, for hope. For a future.

Trapped in a Void; an emptiness which envelops everything, yet offers nothing. A absence with such weight I can feel it's pressure on the backs of my eyes, as it rips out my breath, starves me of hope, and numbs all nurturing thoughts.

But this isn't the kind of drowning that kills you, this is the kind of drowning that is so agonising it makes you want to kill yourself.

Yet I know it sounds absurd, ludicrous even, to those not in the Void: to -want- to die. I know, because often I feel 'normal' too. Nourished and enriched by lifes lush labyrinth.

But this is the reality of mental illness. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't have to; It isn't neat or rational.  If it's confusing for you, think how it feels to us, who live it.

I tell you I'm suicidal not because I don't feel shame (I do) but because I shouldn't. Everyone should be able to feel safe and supported when opening up about these issues.

But unfortunately I don't, I feel stupid and worthless, weak and selfish, not only because this is what society labels us as, but because this is what the illness tells me I am, it's a double edged sword which makes it so difficult. 

People throw words like 'depressed' 'psychotic' and 'bipolar' around like they're some cute accessory. They're not; the are the freezing waters that suffocate me.

So I'm speaking out, partly because I know I'm not the only one to go through this, but also because I know there is a glimmer of hope even though I can't feel it; a hope which comes though connections with people. So here I am, connecting.
For those feeling rough: You're not alone. For those who don't understand: This is what it's like. And for those with compassion: Thank You.

Overall I'm proud of how for I've come this last year. I've worked hard on building stable foundations.

Feeling suicidal at the moment isn't a sign things have gone backwards overall: it's almost exciting to be able to recognise it and know I need to seek help. Almost. 

I imagine this episode will be shorter than the last, and I'm much better equipped to deal with the psychotic features. It's just so hard right now.

We should talk about this stuff more.

So Hi. My names Blue and I'm suicidal. How are you?

Peace, Love and Speaking Up,

~Blue x

[I'm currently waiting for an appointment to be admitted to psychiatric hospital. So I can be safe, and not do anything I wont live to regret]

If you are struggling too, consider calling someone :www.suicide.org/international-… there are people waiting to listen to you.

Update:  Feeling Better by DestinyBlue spent three weeks in hospital and am doing better now :)

Suicide hotlines: If you are in a position like me, there are people waiting to listen to you.

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Comments (1050)
DarkUnknow's avatar
DarkUnknow|Hobbyist Digital Artist
I know this feeling. It drives you crazy. 
It effects in such a way you lose your self- confidence and your significant in life. In a word, Depression washes away like water your feelings, emotions and the importance of life. I do understand.  I'm going through this. Almost every night. It's painful. It hurts pretty bad. It feels like some punching you and shooting in your heart. No, It feeling like some one holding your breath tightly. 

And I'm really disgusted and hate some comments here. I mean, humans can't understand other people's pain. This is human culture. 
Humans are made like this. They can't understand someone's pain if they don't go through it by themselves.  That's why losing hope in humanity is better to me. 
I mean, one can have mental illness or disorders. Someone can feel hopeless or helplessness in life.
Why do people share vents?
Maybe because they don't have anyone to share their problems with. Or maybe because they're alone and want someone to help them. 
I'm sure someone who could share depression or vents just for attention could have been caught before than the ones are doing right now. 
And people who just want attention are easy to catch. 
Bur some one who need serious help or support need to be helped. Especially you. You need our support and encouragement. You deserve to feel better.
You need our help.

A normal being can tell you aren't doing this for attention. I know you're not those kind of people.

And the people who are making fun of you, please ignore them. They're just selfish devils trying to be cool here. 

All I wanted to say is, I really love you. I want you to be happy and get our support. I want to help you. We all want to be here for you.
Life will always have a good side and a bad side. Sometimes I also start being numb and dead inside. I feel dead too. I also share vents or my personal problems with others. I don't have anyone to say that. That's why.
So, remember we love you. ♡
Reply  ·  
Gloryas's avatar
I really hate some of the comments here... Even though many people cry out for help, many people do not take them seriously. I know there are people that are always and only seeking attention in a wrong way, but do never ignore a cry for help please <3 
Reply  ·  1
MrFrigginSuspenders's avatar
so basically, you're half of the internet as of right now
Reply  ·  1
DarkUnknow's avatar
DarkUnknow|Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yo. Mind your own business 
Reply  ·  
peachboyy's avatar
peachboyy|Hobbyist Digital Artist
Reply  ·  1
MrFrigginSuspenders's avatar
at least i don't post ms paint furry art
Reply  ·  1
peachboyy's avatar
peachboyy|Hobbyist Digital Artist
i dont make fun of people who are dealing with heavy shit :/
Reply  ·  1
Swedenball's avatar
Swedenball|Hobbyist General Artist
I must say. Your painting is a example for art.
Reply  ·  
N0b1eRebe1's avatar
N0b1eRebe1|Student General Artist
I'n sorry, but this picture just makes me laugh.
Reply  ·  
MintCrow's avatar
umm.... why????
Reply  ·  
N0b1eRebe1's avatar
N0b1eRebe1|Student General Artist
It's just so blunt. Hello! I'm SUICIDAL.
Reply  ·  
VoidTheBlackWolf's avatar
*Sticks you in my fur* Now you're in a different Void.
Reply  ·  
Cachemirine's avatar
Cachemirine|Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for opening up your experience with others— you put it into words so well. Thought provoking piece.
Reply  ·  
JoseMiguelMcAllen's avatar
You are not alone you had others that cared about you and love you no matter what Hug.

i hope my words are heard by the bottom of your heart Heart 

thank you
Reply  ·  
Farelle's avatar
Farelle|Hobbyist General Artist
some days these kind of thoughts are overwhelming me, today is one of them. I know I don't want to die, but my head is spinning and screaming at me, that I need hope, that I wished everything would just stop, just be silent for a bit, that I need hope that it can get better and that otherwise...I don't know how I would be able to continue living, when I feel like I'm suffering every day and night....

I found your art many years ago and quite often I found your style themed around very dark topics, soothing....it's like someone takes off the blanket of deception that probably a lot of us go through...to make a "nice smile" to a rather broken heart....or soul even...if that's a thing...

...thank you for sharing your dark times like this.
Reply  ·  
TheNightOwls's avatar
TheNightOwls|Hobbyist Traditional Artist
if you need to talk to someone I'm here note me and I can help.
Reply  ·  
whovianfangirl23's avatar
is not just me?
Reply  ·  
tron1112's avatar
Hello, I stumbled across this picture years ago, maybe 3-4? Not sure but I've seen people relate to it.
Someone I knew took it a bit to far. That shook me a lot.
So I found distractions, work, games, other people. I just didn't want to end up a mess and start going down the same path.

Eventually, after pulling out his memory. I managed to make peace with and here I am.
I'm happy to say finding your art and many others like it gave me something to focus on and contemplate.
Thank you.
Reply  ·  
CreationGenius's avatar
Thank You for this picture and it's words.
Reply  ·  
Joker-of-Gallifrey's avatar
Joker-of-Gallifrey|Hobbyist General Artist
This speaks to me on a very personal level. I too often feel like i am drowning.
Reply  ·  
anonymous's avatar
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