Hello, I'm suicidal.
The thin ice has cracked, and I've slipped through, into freezing water.
I'm drowning. Fighting for breath, for hope. For a future.
Trapped in a Void; an emptiness which envelops everything, yet offers nothing. A absence with such weight I can feel it's pressure on the backs of my eyes, as it rips out my breath, starves me of hope, and numbs all nurturing thoughts.
But this isn't the kind of drowning that kills you, this is the kind of drowning that is so agonising it makes you want to kill yourself.
Yet I know it sounds absurd, ludicrous even, to those not in the Void: to -want- to die. I know, because often I feel 'normal' too. Nourished and enriched by lifes lush labyrinth.
But this is the reality of mental illness. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't have to; It isn't neat or rational. If it's confusing for you, think how it feels to us, who live it.
I tell you I'm suicidal not because I don't feel shame (I do) but because I shouldn't. Everyone should be able to feel safe and supported when opening up about these issues.
But unfortunately I don't, I feel stupid and worthless, weak and selfish, not only because this is what society labels us as, but because this is what the illness tells me I am, it's a double edged sword which makes it so difficult.
People throw words like 'depressed' 'psychotic' and 'bipolar' around like they're some cute accessory. They're not; the are the freezing waters that suffocate me.
Overall I'm proud of how for I've come this last year. I've worked hard on building stable foundations.
Feeling suicidal at the moment isn't a sign things have gone backwards overall: it's almost exciting to be able to recognise it and know I need to seek help. Almost.
I imagine this episode will be shorter than the last, and I'm much better equipped to deal with the psychotic features. It's just so hard right now.
We should talk about this stuff more.
Peace, Love and Speaking Up,