So I do procrastinate. Quite a bit. Daydreaming time away, and with digital art it's all too easy to slip online and get caught in the web.
I finished this drawing a week ago. That was before I knew.
When you go to the doctors about mental health issues, they do tests, make sure it's nothing physical. Okay, they told me, nothing else is wrong, you have a mental issue.
Then I went to the doctors about my difficult physical health. They did tests. Told me it was all in my head.
I went back and again, 'it's psychological' they said.
A few days ago I find out that isn't entirely true. They missed something, and my charts have not been read correctly.
It's my blood. It's not working properly, hasn't been for a year at least; not transporting the energy I need. Leaving me feeling dizzy, faint and fatigued. I knew I was tired, knew some days I could't move properly. But I thought, I was told, it was in my head.
It wasn't. It isn't... not all of it anyway.
If mental health is a black dog, I have a grey dog too. One on either side of me. This last year I have been getting better at taming the black beast, but the grey one has been clawing, biting my heals as I sort out the black.
The good news is that I will probably be able to overcome this physical thing more easily than the mental. I'm undergoing tests with a different doctor, which should root out the cause, and when that's found, there are treatment pathways. Sit, Stay, Roll Over.
I've felt a little like life has passed me by in the last year, like I have tried my hardest to connect, but I can't get in the house, just push myself against the cold windows and look in. Occasionally I can stand on the doorstep while the door is open, smell the cooking inside, hear voices talking excitedly, and I want to go in so badly, but can't quite get past the boundary.
Depression disconnects, and exhaustion obstructs. My two dark dogs have not made this year easy. But still, I ran a marathon, exhibited at conventions worldwide, but most importantly I survived.
I've been quiet online this year, as I've had a lot to deal with. I hope to make more noise soon 😊
It's looked a lot like I've been procrastinating. But it's mostly been resting. I drew this as catharsis, only to find things are different than I thought. And that's okay, this difference turned out to be good 😊
I will get better. My blood will work again. My brain will work again, and I will work again.
Peace, Love and Second Opinions,