I'm just going to sit here and pretend to look busy...
So I do procrastinate. Quite a bit. Daydreaming time away, and with digital art it's all too easy to slip online and get caught in the web.
I finished this drawing a week ago. That was before I knew.
When you go to the doctors about mental health issues, they do tests, make sure it's nothing physical. Okay, they told me, nothing else is wrong, you have a mental issue.
Then I went to the doctors about my difficult physical health. They did tests. Told me it was all in my head.
I went back and again, 'it's psychological' they said.
A few days ago I find out that isn't entirely true. They missed something, and my charts have not been read correctly.
It's my blood. It's not working properly, hasn't been for a year at least; not transporting the energy I need. Leaving me feeling dizzy, faint and fatigued. I knew I was tired, knew some days I could't move properly. But I thought, I was told, it was in my head.
It wasn't. It isn't... not all of it anyway.
If mental health is a black dog, I have a grey dog too. One on either side of me. This last year I have been getting better at taming the black beast, but the grey one has been clawing, biting my heals as I sort out the black.
The good news is that I will probably be able to overcome this physical thing more easily than the mental. I'm undergoing tests with a different doctor, which should root out the cause, and when that's found, there are treatment pathways. Sit, Stay, Roll Over.
I've felt a little like life has passed me by in the last year, like I have tried my hardest to connect, but I can't get in the house, just push myself against the cold windows and look in. Occasionally I can stand on the doorstep while the door is open, smell the cooking inside, hear voices talking excitedly, and I want to go in so badly, but can't quite get past the boundary.
Depression disconnects, and exhaustion obstructs. My two dark dogs have not made this year easy. But still, I ran a marathon, exhibited at conventions worldwide, but most importantly I survived.
I've been quiet online this year, as I've had a lot to deal with. I hope to make more noise soon 😊
It's looked a lot like I've been procrastinating. But it's mostly been resting. I drew this as catharsis, only to find things are different than I thought. And that's okay, this difference turned out to be good 😊
I will get better. My blood will work again. My brain will work again, and I will work again.
Peace, Love and Second Opinions,
I hope your health improves soon because you're super great and deserve nice things
i pray u and the dogs will get along soon
Hope to see more from you soon. Cant believe im not watching you already... Now i do
Don't we all?
Sometimes I catch myself staring out of the window for I don't know how long, thinking deep thoughts, or maybe no thoughts at all, while my pencil hovers over my drawingpaper.
I wish you well, I wish you peace of mind, I wish you much creativity, I truly wish that you can more noise and enjoy it!
Your bright drawing reflects something bright in your soul, and I believe this brightness will eventually outshadow anything black or grey.
Stay strong, and don't forget we believe in you.
..doing better now..!! [ with a smile ]
..gonna do digital again hoping soon..!
However, I am sorry to hear about your blood. I had a similar problem not too long ago; I had been telling the doctors about physical pains I had been experiencing for months. However, because I have a history of anxiety and panic attacks they just kept telling me it's all in my head, so they wouldn't even give me a thorough examination to look into it.
Recently though, I went to another doctor and he checked me out and said it sounded like neuropathy. He was going to refer me to the neurologist, but instead he just gave me the pills for it. I can't tell if that's because he was just trying to silence my "hypochondriac" needs or because he's a know it all who thinks I don't need to be thoroughly examined because his guess is right.
But... the pills have been working, and neuropathy was honestly what I had been suspecting for a while. Still, I need to kniw the cause of it, so I will ask to be seen by the neurologist. But when you have things like "Major Depressive Disorder" and "Panic Disorder" attached to you, it makes it difficult to get anyone to believe you. So that's why, above all, believe in yourself. I will pray for you ❤
I'm glad you finally got that figured out Blue, and I'm wishing the best for you getting your energy back in the future.
As for feeling kinda bad about all of it, I feel like you're discounting some of the strides you've been able to make. Sure this year wasn't easy, but from what I've seen it looks like you've been able to deepen your understanding for all of this a lot. You may not feel like you've done much, and believe me I can understand that feeling, but I believe you've actually done a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for. And in terms of connection, I don't know if you really want to focus on connections with people you can actually go and physically meet up with, but if you would be willing to try to make a friend online I would love to try and be friends with you. I've wanted to for a long time, and I admit I'm not all that great with new people, but I want to try and I'd love if you'd give me that chance.
Lots of love,
This piece is so very amazing! And so very different from other works I've seen from you. I do, however, seem to love nearly everything you post. The one or 2 pieces I don't 'love', I really like, so you are amazing.
The challenge going forward will be determining when you feel a bit, which dog is it? That's the difficulty of grey dogs, of which I've seen a few (not all mine).
You'll be okay though. Anyone who has the strength to put their struggle in the open has the strength to overcome!