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Depression by DestinyBlue Depression by DestinyBlue
Hi I'm Blue, and I struggle with mental illness.

Some of you will dismiss me, some of you will be scared of me, some of you will blame me, but a surprising amount of you will understand me, because 1 in 4 people experience mental health issues. Considering so many people experience it, we hear so little about it; it's the family secret you can't tell anyone, the fake smile so know one knows, the calling in sick but blaming food poisoning. It's hard for me to write about, but I write this hoping it makes it easier for the next person to speak about it.

I am going to tell you my story, of my path with mental illness. I don't know if it has a happy ending yet...

It began with a tough situation at home, which triggered the anxiety. It's hard to explain the exact feeling. It's kind of like where you're leaning back on your chair, and go that bit too far and you just about to fall back. That sudden jolt of panic inside your chest, that half second  spike that makes you fling your hands forward and grab the desk infront of you to steady yourself. That 'oh shit' moment. It's that. Only it didn't last for half a second, for even a minute, it lasted years. I thought I'd just have to live with it until the situations improved, but even when it did anxiety still clung to me like a scarf of live electricity. That feeling could come when I was alone in a room, sitting comfortably, with nothing to do and a clear day ahead. The world would spin and tumble, and I'd want to put my hands out to grab the desk and steady myself, but there was nothing there. Nothing to grab onto. Over and over.

And so, through anxiety's hot trickery depressions cold crept in, it sat at the back of my mind and laughed at me. "Why are you even trying? It's useless anyway" and when you're fighting a non-existent force from a chair you're not even really sitting on it's hard to argue with that. And this feeling spread.

It wasn't that I couldn't feel happy, and it wasn't total sadness per-se, I did feel sad, but the harshness of depression is that it makes the process of living excruciating. It's like walking through thick treacle, every movement pushed against and held back by sticky tar. Suffocating and exhausting. Even when there's no energy left you still have to walk. This same tar is in your brain, slowing your thoughts, numbing your feelings, even when there's no energy left, you can never stop thinking. Then everything feels overwhelming. Even the small things, one task in particular for me, washing my clothes, was a mountain, even to think about it required so much energy, I could wash my clothes, but then I'd have to pick up the dirty clothes, taken them to the washer, open the washer, put the clothes in the washer, close the door, open the detergent bottle, put the detergent in. It was just too much. So the clothes sat there. And you know it's absurd, everyone else can do it no trouble, so, I thought, maybe I'm just lazy, I should push on, I'm a strong person, so I pushed. Now you can push yourself do enough to look like your functioning normally, but it doesn't get rid of the tar, the sticky molasses in your veins, on the outside I was normal enough, inside I was decaying. My mind was ablaze trying to grab a desk and my soul was swallowed in the bitter treacle. The worst thing, was that I never felt at peace, however still I sat, however beautiful the morning, however hard it was searched for, no peace arrived. It was torture, and my own mind was the torturer.

I didn't -want- to kill myself, that's messy, and probably involved going out of the house, a body, sad friends. I just wanted to be dead. My brain fantasized about it. That sweet release of deep restful unexistence, it seemed so much better than existing like this. If only, I thought, there weren't people who loved me. It's a sick twisted logic you don't have control over; to you it all makes sense. I didn't even know I was depressed, I thought what I was feeling was justified, life -was- meaningless, I -would- be better off dead. It had been a slow decline into darkness, the light wasn't just switched off, I had no 'oh shit it's dark' moment, I didn't even realise I couldn't see properly, my eyes had adjusted to the dark as the light faded, my mind replacing reality with it's own twisted night vision, of strange shadows and dark half logic.

Yeah, I won't go out today, no I don't need to do my essay yet, it can wait, they probably don't want to hang around with me anyway, It's not worth it, I'm not worth it, I'm worthless.

So I hurt myself. Mostly to feel better, or to feel something, I'm not sure, but it proved a point. When I saw what I had done to my own skin, I had a thought: "This is what sick people do" The thought turned over a few times in my head and twisted into a lump in my throat "Am -I- sick?" That was the first time I really realised. Despite crippling depression, despite feeling suicidal, being unable to properly care for myself, I had barely thought I was ill, I'd just thought I was lazy, or sad, or worthless. But I looked at the blood, and the damage I'd done, and knew I needed help.

So I went to the doctor, and yes, I was sick, and the slow process began. Full of relapse and recovery. It's not over, and it may never be for me, it's more complicated than I can say here. But now I can recognise the signs and know what to look out for and I have learned how to manage my condition. I took a break at the start of this year, and didn't do any conventions, just focused on getting better and giving myself a steady foundation to stand on for the rest of this year. At the moment I am doing well, and I appreciate the peace in my head so much more now I've known such darkness. But life is worth living, and I try and do it with vitality :)

Depression is so disgusting because it erodes the you-ness of you, the qualities you like in yourself are taken over, even the things you enjoy doing you have to do in the tar. It is not your fault, though it can feel like it is, and others may think it is. I hate that some people think it shows weakness. It shows no more weakness than walking up a mountain with a broken leg shows weakness. Your brain's broken and you must get on -despite- that, doing the washing can be a huge victory, higher than climbing a mountain with a broken leg, and a lot more sensible. People congratulate me for creating a piece of art, or running my own business. No one congratulated me when I did my washing. But really, in my darkest time, it was one of my greatest achievements. And, on some future day where I'm feeling bad, putting another load of washing on will be a big achievement again.

I juts wanted to let you guys know that you were a small light in the huge darkness. Thank you so much for all your comments and notes, I treasure each one of you. Thank you for always being there for me. It's a wonderful feeling to know I can reach out and so many people would grab my hand to help. I know many of you are suffering with the same thing I did. Please reach out, and for those of you willing to, please offer a hand to someone when they reach out, they probably need it more than you know, they might even need it more than they know <3

Today is my birthday, and if I have a birthday wish, it's for this message to be shared :)

Peace, love, and mental well-being,

Blue x

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Daily Deviation

Given 2015-12-29
Depression by DestinyBlue ( Suggested by OfOneSoul and Featured by cinyu )
:iconbrammackerel:
BramMackerel Featured By Owner 2 days ago
im okn't
Reply
:iconsessmike:
Sessmike Featured By Owner 4 days ago
This, in my honest opinion, is Deviantart's greatest piece ever.
Reply
:icondoombox195:
Doombox195 Featured By Owner 6 days ago
Relatable 
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:iconkaleidechse:
Kaleidechse Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
The painting is beautifully done, and I can really identify with the message.

I've been suffering from depression for several years now, and for a lot of that time I was torn between either letting my exhaustion and frustration show or putting on a brave face in order to function. Eventually, the latter meant locking myself in my office and crying for an hour, then hoping that nobody at work would notice or pretend it was caused by allergies. In the end even my hobbies were feeling like a chore - I never wanted to be dead or hurt myself, but I felt like living - surviving - in this world had become impossible.

Like you, I didn't realize that this was an actual illness, I just chalked it up to being lazy, incompetent and unworthy. Sadly, that's the view of present society - it's infuriating to hear things like "just look on the bright side" or "just pull yourself together" and being compared to people who are coping much better with the same kind of stress. I am NOT those other people, I'm an individual with my own personality, own background, own experience, own brain chemistry. Nobody would tell a person in a wheelchair "just get up and use your legs, everyone else can do it too" - but they have this expectation of depressed people whose serotonin reserves have been depleted and need to be refilled via medication. Which only makes the latter feel worse than they already do.

Thank you for sharing your story, it really helps people like us to know we're not alone. I'm happy that you found support and ways to deal with your depression, and wish you all the best for your future!
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:iconfr00n:
fr00n Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
i cant unsee the memes
Reply
:iconmissingecho:
missingecho Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2018  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
You live is always worth living. Even when things look really bad, it will always get better, I promise.
Reply
:iconchatfisho:
chatfisho Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2018
Sorry for the long post, also I'm not a native english speaker so excuse me for any mistakes.

Depression is really a nasty thing, it not only makes you wish you were dead, it makes it so everything become such a labour, that at one point you won't be able to go on, and so you think even more about being dead, like life is not something you deserve, nor something you ever wanted in the first place.

And it is really hard to go better, as first as you said, you need to know this is an illness, which isn't simple as it's the way it always worked, or so it seems, and also, you need to call for help, and there it can also be really hard to do, because in this state, sometimes, you don't even want to go better, why would you want life to be more enjoyable when you cannot really stand being alive. well that's for me, everyone that has a mental illness will not react the same way.

It's an horrible, slow, torture, yet it seems "so comfortable" sometimes. It can go far (even beyond the thought of killing yourself) and makes it even harder to think straight, it's kinda like being cursed, no matter what you do, you won't be happy, nor you'd actually want to in some cases, the brain just does not react correctly to what is happening.

As for myself in this state, it was like every bad thing happening around me, I should have done something about, every single mistake, I should have always avoided, everytime I breathed, I was making the situation last longer, each time I wanted to kill myself but could not or would not do it, It was all my fault if I felt bad, and good things? Not worth it, just a waste of energy and an illusion before the next bad news.

However it can go better, it isn't easy but it is doable, and while it does take time and energy, it's worth it, I can't say I'm enjoying the fact I'm living yet, but it is not a torture anymore to wake up, and I'm not wishing every night that I would never open my eyes again, and I'm not crying when I do. Keep in mind it is an illness, it is not just the way of thinking, it's like missing a part of yourself, except you can grow it back, it is doable.

I hope I did not make people feel bad by writing this post, that is not the goal.
Reply
:iconmilagoso:
milagoso Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2018  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
Time to get the world to start talking...
Reply
:iconcolourval:
Colourval Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
But what if I spell it like OK?
Reply
:iconcharlievigil54:
charlievigil54 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2018  Hobbyist Photographer
I remember back when I had depression, I used to be the same way. Often I was deeply sad and I was afraid to express it. I saw a counselor, but, it didn't do much. But I overcame it. I want others to do the same. After a suicide attempt I decided I didn't want depression and anxiety in my life anymore. I looked at all the things that were troubling me. I either improved the situation, or simply shunned them out of my life. I'm a better person because of it. I want others to let go of their sadness and embrace something.  
Reply
:iconmyhloka:
MyhLoka Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Many people do that.
Reply
:iconcobaltcrimson:
cobaltcrimson Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
This one is fitting. We tend to keep the truth hidden from others around the corner because we don't want to admit we're not well or don't want to be judged. Sadly there comes a point when someone either goes around the corner and sees it or you just can't hide it or hide from it anymore.
Reply
:iconrollerghost:
RollerGhost Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
Me. In a nutshell
Reply
:icontealover1987:
TeaLover1987 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2018  Hobbyist Artist
I'm going to be honest here, you are my favorite devaint on this whole website. Every artwork I've looked at one your page hit me so hard and I understand each and everyone. Please do keep up the great work, I look forward to seeing more. 
Yoosung Mystic Messenger 7 
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:iconbennobrehm:
BennoBrehm Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2018
Thats a clever picture! 
Reply
:iconsuperbikerbaz:
SuperBikerBaz Featured By Owner Edited Jul 12, 2018
Damn, got me straight at the heart...

Thankfully, I have autism, I don't have depression.
Reply
:icongoodbye888:
Goodbye888 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2018
BKjGRRp by Goodbye888  
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:iconsonicunderground316:
SonicUnderground316 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Very creative and powerful!
Reply
:iconmysteriouswarrior123:
MysteriousWarrior123 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Everyone every time
Reply
:iconannaisnotcool:
AnnaisNotCool Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2018
Not ay
Reply
:iconjaykorna:
JayKorna Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm okn't
Reply
:iconspringtrap-mask:
SpringtraP-MasK Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Same ;-;
Reply
:iconnuenue17:
Nuenue17 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy birthday!! Hope it was amazing. I deal with bipolar depression and anxiety. I've been doing a lot better lately. But i can relate to most of what you've said. Hope you continue to feep better and stay strong. 😊💓
Reply
:iconnuenue17:
Nuenue17 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Feel*
Reply
:iconalexadina:
AlexAdina Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
Also have to say. Beautiful work you have ❤️ and Thank you for being strong when its hard to be. 😊
Reply
:iconalexadina:
AlexAdina Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
Wow... The message was beautiful.. I relate, but the help part is iffy.. I don't tell the whole problem when it comes to help. They only know that I "get sad" cut they don't know I cut or get suicidal very frequently. Another reason I don't tell my whole problem because I don't know where they'll send me if k tell them about my split personalities.. I want to be able to still talk to the person I trust and love. I want to be able to keep calm. If they know about it, we'll consider there's no point in holding back. If I get hopeless enough I know I'd let Alex take over this stupid mortal flesh of mine. S/he's unstable, masochistic, sadistic, insane, horrible, a monster, but a "person", just a twisted one. When Alex laughs it hurts and suffocates my lungs cause my body can't stop laughing and I get weak. S/he gets through abut anything so s/he could cut me if she wanted while I'm in that state. Then I dispoint the one I love and it.. -hurts- with the broken promises. I say I won't but I cut eventually and I'm not clean anymore and it hurts that I feel too weak to keep that promise most times. I need help. But I have a couple factors why I feel i can't get that help. My mom would for certain take me to a Catholic Therapist who'll again tell me " God will fix every thing" "just pray then your sad" "look up to god and offer your pain" like WTF how the hell is this fuxking help. I hear it all the time in this stupid house that's not home for me with a religious freak mom who doesn't appreciate or pretend to like my drawings. She'd always tell me "Why do you drawing these ugly things" when I'm drawing in anime style. I'm sorry. I'll shut up about the ranting but idk how I can get help. It hurts and i'll get it eventually but as long as I live in this stupid house, I can't get help. Catholic freak mom, want to move forward with career somehow, want a job, I need that one person I trust. I cant.
Reply
:iconravenpawdraws7:
ravenpawdraws7 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  New Deviant Student Digital Artist
Aww that's sad but such great power in ur art
Reply
:iconlemon1999:
lemon1999 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018
If that's the full agreement why would you photographer take a picture of the front wall, also why would she right it literally on the worst spot of the wall to right that message on. It's not like the rest of the wall was taken up.
Reply
:iconlemon1999:
lemon1999 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018
This is no meant to be taken seriously, as the spelling errors
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:iconsonofbatmandamian:
SonOfBatmanDamian Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
stay strong, ight. love your art. amazing message.
Reply
:iconhazamadas:
hazamadas Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018
i'm ok
[camera turns]
i'm okay with you drinking my ginger ale randy but holy fucking hell you drank it all while i was at work and now i have to go back to target and buy like 3 more packs of it i swear to god if you keep this shit up i'm going to
kick you out and tell our shit landlord eric about your cat you keep in the laundry room

(before ya'll get on my ass i got a whole slew of brain problems i take meds for.)
Reply
:iconpadfootthegreat:
PadfootTheGreat Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
This is such an amazing powerful message that I'm sure will help so many people. Thank you so much for speaking out about it.
congrats on doing another load of washing c:
Reply
:icondestinyblue:
DestinyBlue Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Professional
Thank you for both your kindness and understanding <3
Reply
:iconpadfootthegreat:
PadfootTheGreat Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Of course, I hope you find a way though it all <3
Reply
:iconyassoprower:
YassoPrower Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Professional Traditional Artist
All I can say is wow
Reply
:iconkaminari666:
kaminari666 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Great one! 
Reply
:iconcookiecatt55:
Cookiecatt55 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2018  New Deviant Hobbyist Artist
STOP BEING EGEY
Reply
:iconnorthernkitty:
Northernkitty Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
"Edgy" you mean? Also, ever heard of the term mental illness? The artist is going through a hard time, battling with depression and she is expressing her emotion through this illustration. I know you may be young but please be more considerate and think before you comment disrespectful things like that. Thank you.
Reply
:iconphantomplayzit:
PhantomPlayzIt Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Welp you just got baited
Reply
:iconnorthernkitty:
Northernkitty Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
I do not care, just wanted to point out how disrespectful that was even if it was just a meme
Reply
:iconphantomplayzit:
PhantomPlayzIt Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Okay? But the thing is that it wasn't a meme or a joke, it was a troll comment looking to get a reaction
Reply
:iconalexadina:
AlexAdina Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
Oof. But was your "yoi just got baited" comment even necessary. XD
Reply
:iconphantomplayzit:
PhantomPlayzIt Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Idk maybe, maybe not who knows? Probably wasn't tho
Reply
:iconalexadina:
AlexAdina Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2018  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
*you
Reply
:iconthewhiteshark:
TheWhiteShark Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
This is me
Reply
:iconpbuckley:
Pbuckley Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2018  Student General Artist
Their is a melancholy beauty to this.

You have a wonderful talent, I hope you continue to create.
Reply
:iconaruneshwarasingh:
AruneshwarASingh Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2018
Love this. Just not enough words to convey my thoughts. perfect.
Reply
:iconrazerxaya:
razerxaya Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
I like this it's so creative! ^^
Reply
:iconconquirer:
Conquirer Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2018
Im
Ok


Im
Oklahoma
Reply
:iconsenfgas:
Senfgas Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2018
whoa you should totally start a soundcloud rap career.

don't forget to tattoo dicks on your face and also beat up your pregnant girlfriend to ensure that everybody pays attention and understands that you're like the Joker from the 2016 cult classic "Suicide Squad" by David Ayer. 
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