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Depression by DestinyBlue Depression by DestinyBlue
Hi I'm Blue, and I struggle with mental illness.

Some of you will dismiss me, some of you will be scared of me, some of you will blame me, but a surprising amount of you will understand me, because 1 in 4 people experience mental health issues. Considering so many people experience it, we hear so little about it; it's the family secret you can't tell anyone, the fake smile so know one knows, the calling in sick but blaming food poisoning. It's hard for me to write about, but I write this hoping it makes it easier for the next person to speak about it.

I am going to tell you my story, of my path with mental illness. I don't know if it has a happy ending yet...

It began with a tough situation at home, which triggered the anxiety. It's hard to explain the exact feeling. It's kind of like where you're leaning back on your chair, and go that bit too far and you just about to fall back. That sudden jolt of panic inside your chest, that half second  spike that makes you fling your hands forward and grab the desk infront of you to steady yourself. That 'oh shit' moment. It's that. Only it didn't last for half a second, for even a minute, it lasted years. I thought I'd just have to live with it until the situations improved, but even when it did anxiety still clung to me like a scarf of live electricity. That feeling could come when I was alone in a room, sitting comfortably, with nothing to do and a clear day ahead. The world would spin and tumble, and I'd want to put my hands out to grab the desk and steady myself, but there was nothing there. Nothing to grab onto. Over and over.

And so, through anxiety's hot trickery depressions cold crept in, it sat at the back of my mind and laughed at me. "Why are you even trying? It's useless anyway" and when you're fighting a non-existent force from a chair you're not even really sitting on it's hard to argue with that. And this feeling spread.

It wasn't that I couldn't feel happy, and it wasn't total sadness per-se, I did feel sad, but the harshness of depression is that it makes the process of living excruciating. It's like walking through thick treacle, every movement pushed against and held back by sticky tar. Suffocating and exhausting. Even when there's no energy left you still have to walk. This same tar is in your brain, slowing your thoughts, numbing your feelings, even when there's no energy left, you can never stop thinking. Then everything feels overwhelming. Even the small things, one task in particular for me, washing my clothes, was a mountain, even to think about it required so much energy, I could wash my clothes, but then I'd have to pick up the dirty clothes, taken them to the washer, open the washer, put the clothes in the washer, close the door, open the detergent bottle, put the detergent in. It was just too much. So the clothes sat there. And you know it's absurd, everyone else can do it no trouble, so, I thought, maybe I'm just lazy, I should push on, I'm a strong person, so I pushed. Now you can push yourself do enough to look like your functioning normally, but it doesn't get rid of the tar, the sticky molasses in your veins, on the outside I was normal enough, inside I was decaying. My mind was ablaze trying to grab a desk and my soul was swallowed in the bitter treacle. The worst thing, was that I never felt at peace, however still I sat, however beautiful the morning, however hard it was searched for, no peace arrived. It was torture, and my own mind was the torturer.

I didn't -want- to kill myself, that's messy, and probably involved going out of the house, a body, sad friends. I just wanted to be dead. My brain fantasized about it. That sweet release of deep restful unexistence, it seemed so much better than existing like this. If only, I thought, there weren't people who loved me. It's a sick twisted logic you don't have control over; to you it all makes sense. I didn't even know I was depressed, I thought what I was feeling was justified, life -was- meaningless, I -would- be better off dead. It had been a slow decline into darkness, the light wasn't just switched off, I had no 'oh shit it's dark' moment, I didn't even realise I couldn't see properly, my eyes had adjusted to the dark as the light faded, my mind replacing reality with it's own twisted night vision, of strange shadows and dark half logic.

Yeah, I won't go out today, no I don't need to do my essay yet, it can wait, they probably don't want to hang around with me anyway, It's not worth it, I'm not worth it, I'm worthless.

So I hurt myself. Mostly to feel better, or to feel something, I'm not sure, but it proved a point. When I saw what I had done to my own skin, I had a thought: "This is what sick people do" The thought turned over a few times in my head and twisted into a lump in my throat "Am -I- sick?" That was the first time I really realised. Despite crippling depression, despite feeling suicidal, being unable to properly care for myself, I had barely thought I was ill, I'd just thought I was lazy, or sad, or worthless. But I looked at the blood, and the damage I'd done, and knew I needed help.

So I went to the doctor, and yes, I was sick, and the slow process began. Full of relapse and recovery. It's not over, and it may never be for me, it's more complicated than I can say here. But now I can recognise the signs and know what to look out for and I have learned how to manage my condition. I took a break at the start of this year, and didn't do any conventions, just focused on getting better and giving myself a steady foundation to stand on for the rest of this year. At the moment I am doing well, and I appreciate the peace in my head so much more now I've known such darkness. But life is worth living, and I try and do it with vitality :)

Depression is so disgusting because it erodes the you-ness of you, the qualities you like in yourself are taken over, even the things you enjoy doing you have to do in the tar. It is not your fault, though it can feel like it is, and others may think it is. I hate that some people think it shows weakness. It shows no more weakness than walking up a mountain with a broken leg shows weakness. Your brain's broken and you must get on -despite- that, doing the washing can be a huge victory, higher than climbing a mountain with a broken leg, and a lot more sensible. People congratulate me for creating a piece of art, or running my own business. No one congratulated me when I did my washing. But really, in my darkest time, it was one of my greatest achievements. And, on some future day where I'm feeling bad, putting another load of washing on will be a big achievement again.

I juts wanted to let you guys know that you were a small light in the huge darkness. Thank you so much for all your comments and notes, I treasure each one of you. Thank you for always being there for me. It's a wonderful feeling to know I can reach out and so many people would grab my hand to help. I know many of you are suffering with the same thing I did. Please reach out, and for those of you willing to, please offer a hand to someone when they reach out, they probably need it more than you know, they might even need it more than they know <3

Today is my birthday, and if I have a birthday wish, it's for this message to be shared :)

Peace, love, and mental well-being,

Blue x

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Daily Deviation

Given 2015-12-29
Depression by DestinyBlue ( Suggested by OfOneSoul and Featured by cinyu )
DarkKaiju63 Featured By Owner 16 hours ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
why elsa sad
Shaezo Featured By Owner 3 days ago  New Deviant
14 y/old girls be like:
Junkguy14 Featured By Owner May 12, 2019
shut the fuck up
shadowag92 Featured By Owner 5 days ago
With all the places you can end up on DA, why go out of your way to be an ****ole? Maybe you should see a therapist for whatever's making you such a terrible person.
Ahjaybello03 Featured By Owner May 2, 2019  New Deviant Hobbyist Digital Artist
Eh cute
The-Chosen-Juan Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2019
b r u h moment
alqattansuliman Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2019
im oklahoma
tamramsy24 Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2019  New Deviant
dan2paul Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2019
Yeah this is unironically heartwrenching. Funny how you predated the "Sbeve" thing by about 3 years though.
female logic 

Jk dont get offended
CrazyHermine Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm here from the "I'm last in Mario Kart" memes and I can't help but laugh at this drawing, I'm so sorry
SuperMario10088 Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2019  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
XxFoxAngelxX Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2019   Digital Artist
I can relate 
Axic0n Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
That feeling when you are rushing about these positions many times in a day!!! I don't have a diagnosis but someday I shall have.
kuunt Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2019
Wow edgy
ArtSkepticBot015 Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2019
Or maybe she's an MCR fan?
Super-Weirdo Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2019  Hobbyist
Happy birthday!
I understand plenty about the anxiety, its an evil thing. I myself have hightened anxiety. Your message is very enlightening for someone who has no idea what depression is like.
Your art is very cool, i hope you have a nice day :)
TexasPanda Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
mikuplier Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
▬▬▬.◙.▬▬▬ ═▂▄▄▓▄▄▂ ◢◤ █▀▀████▄▄▄▄◢◤ █▄ █ █▄ ███▀▀▀▀▀▀▀╬ ◥█████◤ ══╩══╩═
just dropped down to say
i'm here because of the memes
╬═╬/ \
Vader2222 Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2019
I’m last at mario kart
johncuckold Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2019
What a strong and powerful message.  I'm glad that I stumbled across your post.  You have just picked another person who loves you!
Jaxsepticeyes Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2019  New Deviant
Wow, this really spoke to me!!!! Inspiring 👏🏻👏🏻 
You should change your username to BlueSky because you are better than your depression and I feel there is more to you than just one word xx
be safe, stay happy.
much love 💖 
ashbasher22 Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2019  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy Birthday to you. (Hope it did not pass)

I know what it's like because I have been there and still fighting it, I have minor Autism spectrum in me and on the outside, it does not seem as though there is any kind of challenge, but the inside is a completely different story.

I am a guy who struggles a lot with basic stuff, art, acting, writing stories and creative work I strive at, willing to get better. But the basic stuff is such a struggle, washing clothes, cooking meals and even doing the washing up.

I try my best to get away from those duties and only contribute mostly cutting up the veg. (I live with my mum by the way) I always try my best though from lifting heavy stuff, shopping, picking up our dog's poop, feeding him and giving him treats. I can do all that.

I have major anxiety issues that makes me like an uncontrollable ticking bomb in my chest, I worry about stuff around me that has no affect, I try my best to donate money to charity but my mum says that I should save it.

As I love my mum, I take these advises to heart and I always love her for it. But deep down I think I have caused so much trouble only thinking about myself.

I am from the UK, I heard reports of young people getting stabbed in London, awful. Innocent Animals such as foxes and badgers get hunted illegally by the rich scumbags who only think of themselves, barbaric. The trees being chopped down to have ugly lifeless buildings around me. God awful. Deep down, I wanted a change, I wanted to cause a revolution, I wanted to cause changes that would make the innocent being hurt no more, whether animals or humans.

People always say to me "It's apart of life, there is nothing you can do. It's just human nature." I wanted to accept it but the truth never set me free, I want to join the Sabs, be a rebel against our foul government traitors we have in power, proving them wrong without violence to be the better people, wanting everyone to stand up, no matter what ethnicity, gender, age, race they are.

We are humans and stand together, judge based on the content of the character like what Martin Luther King Jr wanted, to help the innocent wildlife and people that suffer but I never want to break my family's hearts so that is why I stay with them because I do love them so dearly much.

I am doing fine though I wish all that could be solved, I am doing okay, I will try my best. My family, college and even acting groups are helping me and I am grateful for it.

Sorry for the long message, I had to write what I think and hope you understand, please take care.
Lucifer7829 Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2019  New Deviant
Hello, i’m Honestly so glad to read this. I also have a minor form of autism spectrum and I felt like I was the only one who had these struggles. I’m really glad to see that i’m not the only one.
Girl-Sans2005 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
Is it okay if I add this to a vent favorite folder?

((Last time an artist got mad at me so that's why I'm asking))
The-Kabra Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2019  New Deviant Student Interface Designer
AngusMcTavish Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2019
This being from four years ago, I hope things have been going well for you since then.

OttoTheTwistedOwl Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2019  Hobbyist Artist
I understand. I constantly hide behind stupid puns and crappy jokes, pretending to be “normal” to be “happy” but I can’t remember the last time I felt anything other than blind rage or absolute misery, I constantly have nightmares. So I draw them. I make them my friends. I make them misunderstood.

J U S T  L I K E  M E.
StuermerDrM Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2019
I hate that double moral. But...
We need it?

I know about Psychlogic Problems and Reality loosing. Thats why i Hate that all so much. It makes me sad, that i could not create so meaningfull Works.
It could help?

Iam sorry *hug*
OttoTheTwistedOwl Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2019  Hobbyist Artist
I know I have already lost reality, What with all the hallucinations, both visual and auditory.
StuermerDrM Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2019
The „real“ Reality irony...?

But many is obly in our heads :/
Some Problems to fix.
OttoTheTwistedOwl Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2019  Hobbyist Artist
In my head is a nightmare I can never awaken from. I see death every time I sleep, and I can’t stop Him from tearing them apart. He has made me realize how worthless we are.
StuermerDrM Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2019
The nightmares aren't funny, could you stand against it? You habe no choice :/

Have you think about God? Could help? Read the bibel...

Thats the meaning why we are here, to give our meaning a reason.
voifont Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2019  New Deviant  Digital Artist
not ay
Nienna-and-Figwit Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for sharing.  As someone who has loved ones who struggle with depression, but not having experienced it myself (thankfully), the insights from stories like yours help me better understand and hopefully support the people around me.
beyondthedeep Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
happy birthday <3 
TheEyebrow Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2019  Student General Artist
i'm not ok...
i promise (sorry had to i'm emo)
RenBlackwidow Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2019  New Deviant
Jotzibunni Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2019  Student Digital Artist
This perfectly captures the emotion of depression. It's trying to act like everything is fine but when you are alone the pain sets in. 
enygma98 Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2019
This picture reached in and grabbed me by the soul. I have never seen what I feel to be my life so well represented in a picture. I hope to be able to see more of your artwork for years to come.
GameyGemi Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2019  Hobbyist Artist
I saw this pic on a bunch of dumb "We live in a society" posts on Instagram
Devonien Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2019
I have a friend. He had a life before. He is young and had dreams. Married with two amazing children, a nice job with challenges, no money trouble or something...And one day, a little trouble brang him to the hospital --> Relentless Pancreas cancer. He will maybe live for about one or two months.

We are thinking about our little everydays troubles, our next holidays, home bills, friends or family quarrels,...He is always thinking about his cancer with hope he will see his children at the incoming morning.

-DestinyBlue- your message according to your drawing is beautiful. You are ill, you got trouble, you need help, but are Nothing in comparison with some others...Think about that.

DaRealNicole Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2019   Digital Artist
Sad how people make memes of a drawing that isn't meant to be funny, nor a meme. Depression is not a joke.
derpface313baby Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2019  Student Artist
meme are not funny sometime klike
RegularNetherCat Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2019  Student Digital Artist
T20---Sora Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2019
Thank you for making this picture, and writing what you did. It means a lot to know that there are other people who understand.
derpface313baby Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2019  Student Artist
Ok, is normally about her Depression, but thank your art that is now a meme.

to a point where I use your art without your permission and turn it to a meme.

I'm ok so by derpface313  

Infreezy Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
XueDec Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2018
Hmm. It creeps ever so slowly.

Like an overcast shadow.

Drains all your passion and life but leaves the person alive, unable to do anything.

Like a vampire it creeps forward and strikes when the sun sets and the person is alone.

One is left all alone unable or perhaps unwilling to seek help.

Who would believe them?

Would the victim want to bring more victims?

That is what depression is to me.
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