Daily Deviation
DestinyBlue's avatar

Depression

By DestinyBlue
39K Favourites
4K Comments
498K Views
Hi I'm Blue, and I struggle with mental illness.

Some of you will dismiss me, some of you will be scared of me, some of you will blame me, but a surprising amount of you will understand me, because 1 in 4 people experience mental health issues. Considering so many people experience it, we hear so little about it; it's the family secret you can't tell anyone, the fake smile so know one knows, the calling in sick but blaming food poisoning. It's hard for me to write about, but I write this hoping it makes it easier for the next person to speak about it.

I am going to tell you my story, of my path with mental illness. I don't know if it has a happy ending yet...

It began with a tough situation at home, which triggered the anxiety. It's hard to explain the exact feeling. It's kind of like where you're leaning back on your chair, and go that bit too far and you just about to fall back. That sudden jolt of panic inside your chest, that half second  spike that makes you fling your hands forward and grab the desk infront of you to steady yourself. That 'oh shit' moment. It's that. Only it didn't last for half a second, for even a minute, it lasted years. I thought I'd just have to live with it until the situations improved, but even when it did anxiety still clung to me like a scarf of live electricity. That feeling could come when I was alone in a room, sitting comfortably, with nothing to do and a clear day ahead. The world would spin and tumble, and I'd want to put my hands out to grab the desk and steady myself, but there was nothing there. Nothing to grab onto. Over and over.

And so, through anxiety's hot trickery depressions cold crept in, it sat at the back of my mind and laughed at me. "Why are you even trying? It's useless anyway" and when you're fighting a non-existent force from a chair you're not even really sitting on it's hard to argue with that. And this feeling spread.

It wasn't that I couldn't feel happy, and it wasn't total sadness per-se, I did feel sad, but the harshness of depression is that it makes the process of living excruciating. It's like walking through thick treacle, every movement pushed against and held back by sticky tar. Suffocating and exhausting. Even when there's no energy left you still have to walk. This same tar is in your brain, slowing your thoughts, numbing your feelings, even when there's no energy left, you can never stop thinking. Then everything feels overwhelming. Even the small things, one task in particular for me, washing my clothes, was a mountain, even to think about it required so much energy, I could wash my clothes, but then I'd have to pick up the dirty clothes, taken them to the washer, open the washer, put the clothes in the washer, close the door, open the detergent bottle, put the detergent in. It was just too much. So the clothes sat there. And you know it's absurd, everyone else can do it no trouble, so, I thought, maybe I'm just lazy, I should push on, I'm a strong person, so I pushed. Now you can push yourself do enough to look like your functioning normally, but it doesn't get rid of the tar, the sticky molasses in your veins, on the outside I was normal enough, inside I was decaying. My mind was ablaze trying to grab a desk and my soul was swallowed in the bitter treacle. The worst thing, was that I never felt at peace, however still I sat, however beautiful the morning, however hard it was searched for, no peace arrived. It was torture, and my own mind was the torturer.

I didn't -want- to kill myself, that's messy, and probably involved going out of the house, a body, sad friends. I just wanted to be dead. My brain fantasized about it. That sweet release of deep restful unexistence, it seemed so much better than existing like this. If only, I thought, there weren't people who loved me. It's a sick twisted logic you don't have control over; to you it all makes sense. I didn't even know I was depressed, I thought what I was feeling was justified, life -was- meaningless, I -would- be better off dead. It had been a slow decline into darkness, the light wasn't just switched off, I had no 'oh shit it's dark' moment, I didn't even realise I couldn't see properly, my eyes had adjusted to the dark as the light faded, my mind replacing reality with it's own twisted night vision, of strange shadows and dark half logic.

Yeah, I won't go out today, no I don't need to do my essay yet, it can wait, they probably don't want to hang around with me anyway, It's not worth it, I'm not worth it, I'm worthless.

So I hurt myself. Mostly to feel better, or to feel something, I'm not sure, but it proved a point. When I saw what I had done to my own skin, I had a thought: "This is what sick people do" The thought turned over a few times in my head and twisted into a lump in my throat "Am -I- sick?" That was the first time I really realised. Despite crippling depression, despite feeling suicidal, being unable to properly care for myself, I had barely thought I was ill, I'd just thought I was lazy, or sad, or worthless. But I looked at the blood, and the damage I'd done, and knew I needed help.

So I went to the doctor, and yes, I was sick, and the slow process began. Full of relapse and recovery. It's not over, and it may never be for me, it's more complicated than I can say here. But now I can recognise the signs and know what to look out for and I have learned how to manage my condition. I took a break at the start of this year, and didn't do any conventions, just focused on getting better and giving myself a steady foundation to stand on for the rest of this year. At the moment I am doing well, and I appreciate the peace in my head so much more now I've known such darkness. But life is worth living, and I try and do it with vitality :)

Depression is so disgusting because it erodes the you-ness of you, the qualities you like in yourself are taken over, even the things you enjoy doing you have to do in the tar. It is not your fault, though it can feel like it is, and others may think it is. I hate that some people think it shows weakness. It shows no more weakness than walking up a mountain with a broken leg shows weakness. Your brain's broken and you must get on -despite- that, doing the washing can be a huge victory, higher than climbing a mountain with a broken leg, and a lot more sensible. People congratulate me for creating a piece of art, or running my own business. No one congratulated me when I did my washing. But really, in my darkest time, it was one of my greatest achievements. And, on some future day where I'm feeling bad, putting another load of washing on will be a big achievement again.

I juts wanted to let you guys know that you were a small light in the huge darkness. Thank you so much for all your comments and notes, I treasure each one of you. Thank you for always being there for me. It's a wonderful feeling to know I can reach out and so many people would grab my hand to help. I know many of you are suffering with the same thing I did. Please reach out, and for those of you willing to, please offer a hand to someone when they reach out, they probably need it more than you know, they might even need it more than they know <3

Today is my birthday, and if I have a birthday wish, it's for this message to be shared :)

Peace, love, and mental well-being,

Blue x

IMAGE DETAILS
Image size
1145x900px 1.49 MB
Published:
© 2015 - 2020 DestinyBlue
Comments3937
anonymous's avatar
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Fantasia-7's avatar

This drawing has such a deep meaning to it...Often people only look on the outside...They only see the smile...They only hear the words: 'I'm fine.' They don't look any deeper than that...If only they could see past the: 'I'm_ok_' And see the: 'I'm not okay'

You are such a talented artist Blue. It takes a big heart and a lot of talent to be able to illustrate such complex emotions. I'm praying for you... :huggle:

LostWarrior967's avatar
LostWarrior967New Deviant

I’m only 12 and I already have major anxiety depressio and ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and it’s too hard. I can’t even use suicide hotlines. I might say goodbye soon.

TheCoasterBrony's avatar

I'm Oklahoma

StrawberryCreamUwU's avatar
StrawberryCreamUwUHobbyist Digital Artist

I know that this is used in memes alot, but this is very beautiful & gives a very strong message even if some people may not realize it. I too also have moments when I struggle with my mental health so I know how it feels.

I don't know if you'll ever have the time to read this but I just wanna let you know that it doesn't hurt forever. You just gotta get back up even if it may hurt.

& never be afraid to ask for help.


I just hope you're doing fine right now, hun.

& here's a hug if you need it. ^^

:hug:

SkullTrumpet's avatar
SkullTrumpetHobbyist Artist

I'm ok go

Jazbfox's avatar
JazbfoxStudent Digital Artist

the memes are funny, but this is actually pretty good! i love the colors and the lineart!

JooRooLoo's avatar
JooRooLooHobbyist Digital Artist

agreed

cotinswabin's avatar
cotinswabinNew Deviant

you have no idea how much this is used in memes

NotAVerySmartCookieh's avatar
NotAVerySmartCookiehHobbyist Digital Artist

Dang.

Pandaman744's avatar

Damnit, I'm in last place in mario kart.

PitZagafull's avatar
PitZagafullHobbyist Traditional Artist
E05
JooRooLoo's avatar
JooRooLooHobbyist Digital Artist

Now this would make a nice meme template.

Avah-arts's avatar
Avah-artsNew Deviant

I hope you find things that make you happy, I hope you know that 136.8k+ people care about you, I hope you find someone to talk to, I hope your story gets a happy ending 💜

mantisngo2468's avatar
mantisngo2468Professional Photographer

Beautiful!

Pixelator5Art's avatar

(I'm) awesome at Mari(o K)art

JeSuisGrenouille's avatar
JeSuisGrenouilleHobbyist Photographer

Happy birthday!

EikonicGirl's avatar

holy crap is this the original?

cotinswabin's avatar
cotinswabinNew Deviant

maby but it will be my original meme template

mar1ey1ove's avatar
mar1ey1oveNew Deviant

i love it

silosio's avatar
silosioNew Deviant

wow th(i)s i(s)- lo(l) so d(eep)


i sleep

LieutenantSnooker's avatar
LieutenantSnookerStudent Digital Artist

(I promise)

cotinswabin's avatar
cotinswabinNew Deviant

(im prostitute)

quackimback's avatar
quackimbackHobbyist Traditional Artist

I am Oklahoma

H-E-N-R-1's avatar
H-E-N-R-1Hobbyist Traditional Artist
“I’m ok”
I’m from
Oklahoma, we ain’t got shit here”
anonymous's avatar
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In