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(3/5) Suicidal Ideation by DestinyBlue (3/5) Suicidal Ideation by DestinyBlue
[Content Warning] I speak candidly about: depression, psychosis, self harm, suicide, and other unpleasant reason I ended up in psychiatric hospital.
(1/5) Psychotic Depression and (2/5) Losing Reality ~ Previous chapters in brief: Depression and psychosis for months.

It is the last day of January 2016.

Hope and light have not arrived. In fact it's got darker and colder. Pitch black to sub zero. 

My fire is almost out and reality is hazy. I've done all the things that were supposed to make me feel better. So why do I feel worse? I feel wretched. Wrecked beyond repair.

My brain is like a car crash. High velocity. All mangled and twisted on the tarmac. Good for nothing but scrap. But unlike a car, I can't escape the wreckage, I am the wreckage. I can't get out of my broken brain, it's all the transport I have.

So I try and 'get on with it', push thorough. 

Except for anxiety's sharp spikes, my emotions flat-line. I look in the mirror at my vacant face, and smile, to try and bring something back, some joy, some pleasure, but it's gone. I don't have those to fortify me, no light to stop the darkness creeping in. My thoughts are thickened with murky ink, which blurs the world, and permeates to every part of me. There's nothing left untouched. The light in my eyes is gone.
I realise others can't see the crash, it's in my head, they see the smile and think I'm fine. I don't have the words or the strength to explain: I'm ruined.

They don't see what I'm left with. Charred Debris. No thought big enough to make a coherent sentence. No piece of humanity big enough even feel human. I cannot make sense of living, of life, of this experience. A huge wave of sadness crashes and ebbs through me, as pure terror takes it's place, the panic of being a shell and having to exist within a world which I can't comprehend. My spirit split into a thousand unfamiliar shreds. I try to pull the pieces back together, but I've got prit-stick when I needed a welding torch. There is so little of me left. Whats going on? What's everything? Whats -anything-? How do I make this stop? 

End it here and now, on my terms. Death will make it stop.

What's left, when it feels like there's nothing inside you?

There's nothing even to live for you see. If I've explained it right, you'll see. If I haven't well. Imagine. There's nothing. You are not you. You are a shell. A shell who has to live in the echo of you. You have to act like you're supposed to, everyone has expectations of you, they all expect you to drive, because they can't see the crash, they don't see the pieces. 

Somewhere tucked deep within, you have a memory of being the old you, the happy you, but when you recall this, it only serves to make you feel more detached, so different are you now. The pain is so much you think even your loved ones would understand. Would want you out of it. Love is an abstract concept anyway. You can't feel it.

Living like this is torture. My depression and psychosis combine to face the most horrible monster I've ever encountered: Myself. 

My need to die. 

The soft fantasy of existence hardens into a concrete plan.

I think how I'll do it. Research. Perhaps it will hurt. I should test. So I take my dressing gown cord and tie a makeshift noose, put it over a hook on my bedroom door and the sling noose round my neck, and let myself be cradled by it, all my weight for a few seconds. It doesn't break, my head feels fat and dizzy. It's viable. It almost feels like hope.

Self hatred sweeps into me. I don't think I deserve to die peacefully.

I find a safety razor, brake it open, and cut.

Some small part of me understands I need help, as I'm wrenched from reality again. The cuts start forming words. Not real alphabet words. Words I think Angels can understand, their writing is spoken on skin, in pain and blood. I write to the Angels on my leg. I ask them for help. Spilling tears and blood as I carve their angular letters from my ankle to my hip. Warm red seeps through the messages for help. Without even reality as an ally, my last hope is someone will answer.

No-one comes. I need the message to be clearer. I'll write on my face, so the Angels will certainly see, I stand up and look in the mirror. It makes my leg bleed more, I look down, see how many cuts there are, though not deep, and something stirs in me, perhaps it's the endorphins kicking in, but some reality returns with a punch to my chest of fear and confusion. What am I doing?

I call to my partner downstairs, he runs up, sees me standing there with the blade and the blood. He gently takes the blade from me, as I tell him I'm talking to angels. We agree that the hospital is the place where I have to ask for help from now.


Covered only in setri-strips and a hospital issue nightgown, I sit on my bed in the psychiatric ward.

Weeks inside this time. That's next episode.

This was the hardest  part to write. After it happened I thought I literally would never tell anyone, ever, about any of it, so ashamed and stupid I felt. But, I realise now, that's exactly why I should write about it. I have nothing to be ashamed about, I was ill, very ill.

I'm sorry, I know it's hard to read, but I wanted to do my best to put you there. So you might know what the experience of the illness is like. I'm not condoning, glorifying, or advocating suicide or self-harm. It's a horrific things to go through (as I hope my writing conveys) It's so rare to see first hand accounts of experiences like this, so I thought it important to share mine.

I am proud to say I survived. There is a reality, far too close to this one, where Blue is no longer here. I have made great improvements since the start of the year, thanks to doctors, medication, therapy and perseverance. I am not suicidal now, and I am well out of this episode, which is my I can open up about it like I am.

If you are feeling suicidal, please reach out for help, a good way to start is to call a suicide listening-line like the Samaritans. You can find the phone number for your country here:… Even though it may feel like there is no one there for you. There literally is someone waiting for your call at the end of that phone. Please do tell someone, you are not alone, we are all together.

I don't usually ask this, but please do share this if you think it's important.

Peace, Love and Life,
~Blue x

Next chapter:  (4/5) Psychiatric Hospital by DestinyBlue

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She's brOKen by DestinyBlue Anxiety by DestinyBlue All Wrong by DestinyBlue I'm Complicated by DestinyBlue Depression by DestinyBlue

Add a Comment:
UncleSunday Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2019
Much relate.
cobaltcrimson Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
You wouldn't think that asking for help would be the hardest part of the battle but admitting that we're not well and need help are almost as hard to admit as it is to fight off all the dark thoughts that swirl around. In my case I didn't really have a choice as I literally just basically shut down and stopped functioning. That said I still finding myself fighting to talk to others about the issues even though I've somehow managed to surround myself with friends who have similar issues. We need to stop seeing asking for help or admitting we're ill as a weakness or we'll never be able to help others in our positions. Everyone always calls suicide the easy way out yet it's not, it's damned hard  and the fact that things get to the point that someone can override every built in survival instinct speaks volumes on how bad the place they're in mentally is. The lack of mental health care is almost as criminal as the stigma attached to those of us who are ill.
StuermerDrM Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2019
Blood-Huntress Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2018  Student General Artist
Reading this, this feels like it's something I wrote myself... Though unlike you who went to doctors and stuff... Which helped you, I also have been there, and honestly I can say, going there, talking about it, all that stuff... Just doesn't work for me... I'm at a point where absolutely nothing matters anymore... I feel beyond dead... There is nothing... And I can feel nothing... Not even fear... I just completely died inside... Thank you though for sharing this... :heart:
ENIMINEMOE Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Love how the cloud form into her wings to help her fly when she let go of the rails. Great job :D 
FidgetTheFurry Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2018  Hobbyist Artist
i can relate to your depression. it's gotten to the point where I just want to die...
Siarhon Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2018
glad you're still with us.  hope it's a "better" experience in the UK than in the states. working on mine right now with my therapist.    
kiwikikiBOA1 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i fit in this
the52-hertz-atma Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
 i like reading other experiences fighting mental illnesses because it always give me hope. some sort of security and bravery. even though ill get choked up during reading because i understand the horror, i manage to pull myself together again when i read some of the comments below. thanks for sharing your story :)
SarahShirabuki8000 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2018  Hobbyist Artist
Are you taking requests? 
Connaroy Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
help me.
Narwhalscandraw Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i hate that a bunch of people are not taking this seriously 
HikadaTheo Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I thought that was a butt
zackosletacos Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
aw please stay strong... im begging you and i wish the best for you
EvilCharcoal Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i'm so close to finding a bridge. i cant find no job anywhere, i am scared of driving on the road, my family doesn't like anyone anymore. it feels like i'm useless even if i find a gf. who wants a guy who can't drive nor find work anywhere? uhh... no one duh!
Medral Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist…

Nobody is useless! Don't give up, you deserve to be happy!
Kiborg-Graph Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Join the club, dude. If you lived anywhere near me, I'd buy you a beer. :iconiknowthatfeelplz:
cptlinebeck Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2017  Professional Writer
Stay strong my friend.
CripplyDepressedOcs Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2017  Student Artist
I hope you feel better and never have to go through it again
fuck-mylife Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2017  Professional Photographer
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own...

mooniiblu Featured By Owner May 26, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
fuck-mylife Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2018  Professional Photographer
Ohgodhenny Ohgodhenny 
EndlessMind12 Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2017
Gör en volt
EricVonSchweetz Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
kinety Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
This post hits to real for me. I struggle to even draw these days. So beautiful in how difficult it is. 
The-Last-Phantom Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Awesome art!!

Awesome series!!

I'm ready to jump, let's go together!!

*Free Icon/Emote* Toothless (Love it!) 
DyingFeather Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I can understand you completely on this. I recognize every word you write. I just hope you you can make it through this. I'm cheering for you. Life is worth living as long as you make it through. Stay strong Blue <3 
Gravesiderose Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Okay, I have struggled with cutting and being suicidal and your paragraph about your cuts being words to angels speaks so directly to how I felt it stoped me in my tracks. I have a digital peice that I wasn't going to post that I now will about this excact thing. (I am a beginner though, just getting into digital art. 😅☝)
eliyxanne Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
same, I got over cutting and searched help. it will get better, I'm feeling the best I've ever felt right now!
morningstarskid Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
Know many of my friends who have and tried.. Lost a major one..the rest are ok now.. One in VA hospital ptsd...Hes going tp be ok hes a warrior.. Great series of Works you have done here!!✌😎
papercrownprincess Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2017  Professional General Artist
This is for all the girls and boys all over the world
Whatever you been told
You're worth more than gold
Foreign-Grid Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
papercrownprincess Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2018  Professional General Artist
lilfixit Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
I am sometimes on this step. It's strange because I get better so fast and I get worse so fast. 
I'm in a better stage right now so I don't really want to spend money on getting a therapist, but I probably should. If I'm in this stage again I will get help.
Thank you for your art.
NightshadesRemedy23 Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2017  Student Artisan Crafter
I don't really think it's necessary for me to comment. I don't mean that in a bad way, not at all. I think everyone has already said what I wanted to say and I would just be repeating their words ^_^ But, yes I have been there and I am still there. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about suicide.

I have had more than five suicide attempts in my life. Just last year I was in the hospital near death for ten days for an overdose of sixty risperidone pills. One year I even had to spend christmas in the hospital. And the thing is that I regret nothing, only that I am still here. I have no friends, no money, a job, a car, or a life. I'm 23 and I can't get along with my family. Even as I'm writing this I'm thinking of suicide. I could keep going, but that's not what this post is about. You have a reason to keep going. 458 comments that's amazing ^_^  

Your story may even help others who struggle with depression, maybe even inspire them, maybe even save lives. As a stranger I'm happy for you. As for me it's already too late. I think I'm far beyond repair. I honestly don't know if i should submit this comment, haha. I just wanted to say that you are not alone, I guess it just turned into a venting comment. Sorry about that 😅
DoctorSenpye Featured By Owner May 22, 2017  Student General Artist
If you are still alive, listen: there is no such thing as "too late." Many have died from the demon known as Depression, but know this: you are not alone. I used to feel alone until I found Blue. Her story should be an inspiration to you. She almost hung herself, and she cut herself so bad that she nearly needed to be hospitalized medically, but look where she is now. She has outran the demon for now, so she has time to prepare. And when the time comes, I know Blue will kill the demon that has haunted her for so long.

Let her story be an inspiration to all those who read this. He says that he is beyond repair. Well, for a time, I'll bet Blue thought so too, but  how far she has come since tells me how much a person can endure. And for that, she is my hero because she is also her own hero, and you can be too.

Best wishes to Blue and everyone else who has this demon,

lilfixit Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
It's hard. I hope that you found the hope you needed and continue to find it every day.
Ambaan Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2017
I see you.

Never give up. Never give in.

Reading this series - all of it - my eyes glaze over with nostalgia (and the voice in the back of my head asks how nearly every little detail could be the exact same). It's then I realize what I faced, before getting better. I can't tell you this is gonna be an easy fight. It's not, and you deserve better than that lie. What I can say is... *it is worth it*
NightshadesRemedy23 Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2017  Student Artisan Crafter
Thank you for your truly inspiring words. It isn't easy and honestly I  don't see myself living very long or even past 30 sometimes. But, this one comment makes me realize that someone notices me. That someone cares and I'm not invisible to the world.

Thank you again. You have given me some hope to fight on.
GingerCat96 Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2017   Artist
hey, I don't know if you are still here but please don't do anything to yourself. I know what it's like to feel like there is no going back or way to fix yourself. It's a battle most people struggle with, know that it will take time but if you keep trying I promise it will get better. Wishing you the best.
Halegav Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
Your comment was very relevant stay safe bro. 
UltimateLazerbot Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2017   Digital Artist
I'm short on words, that's my first take of this episode. not the first time I've been near suicide or been around people with it but it always takes the words out of my mouth when it hits me or when i see it hit someone else.

I'm shocked, surprised by the tales and a i find it fascinating, for me pain has been my foe, my friend, my teacher, and my decease and my cure. A contradiction and that's due to the bad sides taring me apart and the good sides of me trying to rely a message like you did, using it to create something memorable.

I crave too touch people's lives like this but also doing so, working slowly through it. Making it all this chaos we all deal with in one form or another into something more, It's like shining a light on the shadows to create silhouettes, you grab a shadow and shine a light on it and you create beauty. To use that dark into something more then just to run from, for the rest of our lives.

We craft these demons of our lives into pillars to continue our path. Ironically those things were originally the things that crashed and destroyed our pillars. Though in this state of depressing sadness, we can't feel or see what heart and light we have but I've found that the soul in this state, always oozing out to the point that you not only see this person's pain, You come to understand more then you ever could before.

That i feel is the beauty of it. Our pain we cannot see the emotions and light from, makes us show others a whole new universe, for people to stare at in ow. They are raveled into someone they didn't believe existed but not only that, parts of the soul we didn't know we had before climb to the surface, hidden pieces. The rain of sadness and the gloominess of having to live in the midst of hell gives birth to something new and somehow finding or creating light in a place that we believe no longer had it. We create it some how, against all odds.
WereRen Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Suicidal ideation is something I struggle with (along with depression which I have had since age 7), among other things. You worded it so very well- thank you. You worded it much better than I ever could. Here I've thought for the longest time I was stupid, alone, crazy, something.
rae-makes-art Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I saw some of your newest work in my Watch list, and I went to a couple, and then found this series you have done. Needless to say, with how the past while has been going (six months? Two years? Twenty two years?), I really needed to not only read about someone being able to recover and get better from a mindset like this, but be reminded that I'm not alone. I'm terrified of the thoughts I've been having, and I'm just really grateful to you and proud of you for putting your experience in words to help others and show us and yourself that you made it, and you're okay.

I hope that made sense. Anyway, thank you for making me remember I'm not alone. I needed to hear it.
hellogonzo Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2016
I don't know your problem, for what you're going through but I just
hope you are doing okay.
rae-makes-art Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm okay. Thank you. 
AwkwardAquariusGirl Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
First of all, I love your writing. I really showed how passionate you are about this. Second of all, I used to self-harm. I was able to make myself bleed using a paperclip. One of my friends made me stop and I've been clean for months now. My point is, I know some of what you've been going through and if you ever need to talk to anybody, I'll be there for you. We all love you and we'll all be there for you. Stay strongHeart ! ~Aqua
SpyHunter29 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Over the past 365 days or more, I have been internally paralysed with fear over the possibility that Donald Trump may be elected president of my country in just a couple days' time.  Everything he has publicly declared goes against everything I believe in, and the fact that his words have found favour with so many are eating away at my faith in my fellow man.  My mind has wandered to many a dark place off and on over the course of the past year.  And I am nervous to admit this, but I have thought about... no that's not the right word... more like imagined committing suicide so I wouldn't have to live in such a world.

These weren't quite serious thoughts, since I've managed to talk myself out of it every time.  Among my reasons: 1) I'm actually kinda squeamish.  I certainly wouldn't cut myself to do so, I can tell you that much.  2) Rationally, I tell myself it would not accomplish anything.  3) I would hate to put my family through the turmoil of losing me.  And of course, 4) Reading your story was, for lack of another word, inspirational.  Deep down, I know my troubles are nowhere as bad as what you have gone through.  But I just don't know... I can take nothing for granted.
hellogonzo Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2016
The joy of being in a democracy is that one man never has all the power.
SpyHunter29 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Dear hellogonzo,

Thank you for replying to my comment.  Please forgive the lateness of my response, but this has not been an easy subject to talk about. First off, I'm still alive, obviously. I have still not so much as attempted suicide since my last post. The fantasies still pop up here and there, although less often than before.  As to why I've had them in the first place...

I do not quite share your optimism that the rule of president He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named won't be so bad because 1) congress also has a Republican majority, and 2) he can still do stuff without going through congress.  In fact, some of the stuff I was most afraid of him doing, he did directly through executive action. I won't go into detail now because, not only do I hate you-know-who... I actually fear him.  It could be my imagination making up situations even worse, it could be shellshock from the election, the point is, I'm still not over it.

I shy away from anything having to do with him, such as not watching or reading the news for that reason, but what bad news does get through does its damage. And because I'm so afraid, I don't talk about my fears with anyone.  That, and I know just talking about the issue won't solve the thing itself, so I don't bother, but all that does is grow the problem within my mind.  In the end, I don't know what reaching out now will accomplish, but I don't care. I just want to let someone know that I'm both okay and not okay at the same time, if that makes any sense.

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