The first chapter (1/5) Psychotic Depression in brief: Depression brought with it psychosis, losing contact with reality.
21st of December 2015.
It does't just feel like I'm broken (I know all too well I am) it feels like the whole universe is broken. Like someone threw sand in the gears, and then a wrench, and then put all the gears in the wrong places, and then burned the whole place down.
I'm so empty yet so full, my thoughts try hard to surface, drowning, struggling for that next sweet breath.
I'm down the rabbit hole, and it's turned out to be a chasm as deep as the universe is wide. I'm lost, trapped, trying to climb up, climb out, trying to get a firm hold on my thoughts so I could move hand over hand and ascend out of this wretched place. But I just keep slipping further down.
I am sitting on my bed in my childhood room when reality snaps. I'm falling fast and suddenly, and theres nothing to grab onto. Panic. I try to look inside myself, to me, to who I am for something to ground me, for a floor, however fragile, to place some of my mind on. I find Nothing, the last few month depression and psychosis have done their best as eroding it.
Then out of the darkness creeps a thing with spider legs.
He is part of the broken universe. He has been let out, the spider-legged man, he can move through the shadows of time and space. I see him, in the corner of my room as his shadowy legs propel him into the darkness beside my wardrobe. He's here. And he wants something from me. And I know all the terrible things he can do. He smiles from the darkness.
"Lie on your back"
He instructs. His gravely voice scrapes into my mind.
"no" I think. And shake my head.
"Lie on your back" He repeats.
He repeats and repeats, louder and louder. The roughness of his voice scratching at my soft mind. I need him to stop talking, to get out of my head. But he wants to hurt me, I know it, I can -feel- it. I know I will be at less harm if I do what he says, so I lie down. As I lie there and look at the dark crease of shadows above my wardrobe where I know he now is, he comes closer, to a shadow directly above my head. Hes teasing me. His presence is dense and dripping with hate. A black hole of hatred ontop of my cupboard, I can see his glinting eyes, and I know he is not staring at me, but through me, straight into my mind. He can read my thoughts, he speaks to me, to prove it, telling me what I'm thinking, then teases me by taking all my thoughts away, so I have nothing. Robbed of everything. He tells me I'm worthless. My eyes are fixed on the shadow above me, my heart beating so fast, I need to escape his stare, get out of this, so I scrunch my eyes closed.
Seared into the back of my eyelids are words. Words from the spider-legged man. Messages made for me. I tried to escape him, now he's angry. So he put the words where I couldn't help but see. Terrified, I snap open my eyes and blink but the words remain. Like light has burned them on, only hate has burned them on. I can't escape. I know I am not safe from this entity which can permeate time and space and manipulate every part of me.
I'm told by my partner that he ran in to see me scratching at my eyes. I don't remember. I'm thankful I have little memory after that. The next thing my mind lets me recall is sitting on my bed in the psychiatric hospital terrified that the spider-legged man had traveled through the dark places to find me in my new, clinically bare room.
I spent 4 days in hospital and was released Christmas day.
Wish I could report it's up from here, but the next chapter is perhaps darker still...
Side note: I'm not scared of spiders.
Peace, Love and Arachnids,
I feel like this personally speaks to me as to what I have been feeling for the past few months.Like there is this part of me that I just can't share with others .And I lose faith in the real world to just give up on life . But I really like how it emphasizes this dark past that she's trying to block out the reality which really emphasizes the shadow effect of that dark figure .
I have seen today your artworks the first time. They're all really beautiful, but you can feel the sadness in the artworks of the time you spent in hospital. I have similar feelings in my youth and make at this time some artworks of it. It was the time where I drawed a lot. Your artworks remind me of the time and make a yourney of the feelings I had at this time in my head...my nowadays artworks I show on deviantArt have other themes...but it's nice that one, who has this feelings inside had made his way as an succesfull artist and use this theme in his artworks. And it's nice that there are shown the beautiful moments in your life, too.
There are a lot of hope in your artworks.