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(2/5) Losing Reality by DestinyBlue (2/5) Losing Reality by DestinyBlue
[Content Warning] I speak candidly about: depression, psychosis, self harm, suicide, and other unpleasant reason I ended up in psychiatric hospital. (This episode is mostly deals with psychosis)

The first chapter (1/5) Psychotic Depression in brief: Depression brought with it psychosis, losing contact with reality.


~

21st of December 2015.

It does't just feel like I'm broken (I know all too well I am) it feels like the whole universe is broken. Like someone threw sand in the gears, and then a wrench, and then put all the gears in the wrong places, and then burned the whole place down.

I'm so empty yet so full, my thoughts try hard to surface, drowning, struggling for that next sweet breath.

I'm down the rabbit hole, and it's turned out to be a chasm as deep as the universe is wide. I'm lost, trapped, trying to climb up, climb out, trying to get a firm hold on my thoughts so I could move hand over hand and ascend out of this wretched place. But I just keep slipping further down.

I am sitting on my bed in my childhood room when reality snaps. I'm falling fast and suddenly, and theres nothing to grab onto. Panic. I try to look inside myself, to me, to who I am for something to ground me, for a floor, however fragile, to place some of my mind on. I find Nothing, the last few month depression and psychosis have done their best as eroding it.
Then out of the darkness creeps a thing with spider legs.

He is part of the broken universe. He has been let out, the spider-legged man, he can move through the shadows of time and space. I see him, in the corner of my room as his shadowy legs propel him into the darkness beside my wardrobe. He's here. And he wants something from me. And I know all the terrible things he can do. He smiles from the darkness.

"Lie on your back"


He instructs. His gravely voice scrapes into my mind.

"no" I think. And shake my head.

"Lie on your back" He repeats.

I don't.

He repeats and repeats, louder and louder. The roughness of his voice scratching at my soft mind. I need him to stop talking, to get out of my head. But he wants to hurt me, I know it, I can -feel- it. I know I will be at less harm if I do what he says, so I lie down. As I lie there and look at the dark crease of shadows above my wardrobe where I know he now is, he comes closer, to a shadow directly above my head. Hes teasing me. His presence is dense and dripping with hate. A black hole of hatred ontop of my cupboard, I can see his glinting eyes, and I know he is not staring at me, but through me, straight into my mind. He can read my thoughts, he speaks to me, to prove it, telling me what I'm thinking, then teases me by taking all my thoughts away, so I have nothing. Robbed of everything. He tells me I'm worthless. My eyes are fixed on the shadow above me, my heart  beating so fast, I need to escape his stare, get out of this, so I scrunch my eyes closed.

Bad move.

Seared into the back of my eyelids are words. Words from the spider-legged man. Messages made for me. I tried to escape him, now he's angry. So he put the words where I couldn't help but see. Terrified, I snap open my eyes and blink but the words remain. Like light has burned them on, only hate has burned them on. I can't escape. I know I am not safe  from this entity which can permeate time and space and manipulate every part of me.

I scream.



I'm told by my partner that he ran in to see me scratching at my eyes. I don't remember.  I'm thankful I have little memory after that. The next thing my mind lets me recall is sitting on my bed in the psychiatric hospital terrified that the spider-legged man had traveled through the dark places to find me in my new, clinically bare room.

I spent 4 days in hospital and was released Christmas day.

Wish I could report it's up from here, but the next chapter is perhaps darker still...

Side note: I'm not scared of spiders.


Peace, Love and Arachnids, 
Blue xx




Chapter 3:  (3/5) Suicidal Ideation by DestinyBlue 




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~Featured Artwork~


Depression by DestinyBlue She's brOKen by DestinyBlue Last Piece by DestinyBlue Anxiety by DestinyBlue
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:iconnoir2blanc:
Noir2Blanc Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2018  New Deviant Hobbyist Photographer
j'adore    ..
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:iconbraveheart2000:
Braveheart2000 Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2018  Student Traditional Artist
I occasionally come back to look through your earlier artwork and I can relate very well to this one. I also have a monster... he doesn't hang around as much anymore, thankfully.
Reply
:iconsnowiikitty:
SnowiiKitty Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2018  Student General Artist
This happens to me
Reply
:iconvitalsines1981:
VitalSines1981 Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2018
<3
Reply
:iconphotoedfade:
photoedfade Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
honestly the spider man design looks cool.
but he is evil how dare he hurt you like that!
Reply
:iconhikadatheo:
HikadaTheo Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That ones cool
Reply
:iconjojomojogo:
jojomojogo Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2017
i lost my girlfriend because i didnt understand her depression, i saw her not wanting to talk to me but being okay talking to other guys friends as infidelity becasue in a long distance relationship communication is all you have, and when we did talk she was never like how she used to be, i wish i had seen your art at the time and maybe i would have had more insight into it. She was and still is the greatest person i know but unfortunately i will probably never speak to her again. Your art is a gift though youre truly blessed
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:iconmeiiiiiiii:
Meiiiiiiii Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow. And I thought being called an absent minded genius by my english teacher was sad..
Reply
:iconmorningstarskid:
morningstarskid Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
Its true for those 9f us who have MDD BP 1 or 2 this is oir reality when we split from reality.. I have been in Crisis 5 times past 3 yrs..i think they finally got my meds right... I havent been to crisis this year and i feel great!!✌😎
Reply
:iconmsmeowtakittyclaws:
MsMeowtaKittyClaws Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I like your artwork and I like how your art conveys the pain and things you went through.   I am afraid of spiders. >^.^<  
Reply
:icondoctorsenpye:
DoctorSenpye Featured By Owner May 21, 2017  Student Digital Artist
Only their faces terrify me. Even through the pages of a book or a monitor, those beady black, soulless eyes are a gateway into anyone's soul. I jest, they don't, even though as a kid I thought so. But they are cute when put on memes. 
Reply
:iconmsmeowtakittyclaws:
MsMeowtaKittyClaws Featured By Owner May 21, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
hehehe Happy 
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:iconflipflop1979:
FlipFlop1979 Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello DestinyBlue,
I have seen today your artworks the first time. They're all really beautiful, but you can feel the sadness in the artworks of the time you spent in hospital. I have similar feelings in my youth and make at this time some artworks of it. It was the time where I drawed a lot. Your artworks remind me of the time and make a yourney of the feelings I had at this time in my head...my nowadays artworks I show on deviantArt have other themes...but it's nice that one, who has this feelings inside had made his way as an succesfull artist and use this theme in his artworks. And it's nice that there are shown the beautiful moments in your life, too.

There are a lot of hope in your artworks.

Well done.
Reply
:iconjohnnyandme:
JohnnyandMe Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2017  Hobbyist
I lose touch with reality all the,time. At less that's what people say. I'm not delusional.   I am the protector no one can change that 
Reply
:icongoroderickgo93:
GoRoderickGo93 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Man thats what i had. Lol
Reply
:iconmalezjuszka:
Malezjuszka Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2017  Student Digital Artist
I really admire the fact you had power to tell the stpry and to draw the "monster". I have a "deamon" hounting me from time to time and I am afraid of putting him down on paper because he could get more real. But after seeing and reading this maybe I will...
Thanks
Reply
:iconkanoro-studio:
Kanoro-Studio Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Wow after reading ur experience I feel a lot less lonely now, thank u for sharing :D I also have had some moments with psychosis, also including spiders surprisingly except mine had human faces. Tho the main hallucination I would have was This fellow named zuzannei who had dark blue skin and weared a business suit. He was part of this organisation that wanted to experiment on me. Oh that's enough about me. Anyways I really love ur art, keep it up :D
Reply
:iconanimegirl513:
AnimeGirl513 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2016
Deeply moving. I love the casting of the shadow of the spider as he is reaching for the girl. Very perceptive, and I love how it captures the feeling of uncertainty when it comes to hallucinations. Excellent work. 
Reply
:iconreverdefaire:
Reverdefaire Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2016  Professional Artisan Crafter
I went to the hospital when I was 17, diagnosis schizophrenia. This one really hits home because I had an "absense seizure" and it felt like a spider web was being woven across my face. I just sat there deep in depression doing nothing but feeling it because I didn't care. Suddenly I realized I was surrounded by nurses working on me and trying to get my attention, the webs were gone. I'm better now because I've learned to manage it on my own at 34 years old. I will never forget that feeling and even though I have coping mechanisms it's still pretty hard to watch people hurt those who don't. Using your art to communicate to the world is helping so many people who have had mental illness to not feel alone and you are also helping us to be understood. Thank you.
Reply
:iconjeremax:
JeremAx Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2016
This is amazing I want to see what you can do next
Reply
:iconwhite-wolf-13:
White-Wolf-13 Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I passed the first step and now I'm in this one... though, I doubt that will ever change.
Reply
:iconbluemoonart2000:
BlueMoonArt2000 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2016  Professional Traditional Artist
Pretty bad and really scary! I'd freak if I saw that because I'm afraid of spiders! My most frequent hallucination was seeing snakes crawling out of my bedroom walls. Fun. Hope you're "spiderman" free now!
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:iconsarahheavenbird:
SarahHeavenBird Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2016  Student General Artist
Yes
Reply
:icondare-la-styx:
dare-la-styx Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2016
When your own subconscious fights your consciousness vs reality.....sometimes you need change just the tiniest detail for it to all become more clear/ positive
Reply
:iconforgotteneverything:
ForgottenEverything Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
I really hate what's happening to you, and I really hope it never gets worse than this. I don't have that bad of depression, but I kinda used to, so I can relate a tiny bit on how this effects you and your mental health.
I wish the best for you! I really do. 
Reply
:icondestinyblue:
DestinyBlue Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2016  Professional
It has got a lot better now thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconforgotteneverything:
ForgottenEverything Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!
Reply
:icon1crumblycookie:
1CrumblyCookie Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
*reads the part about the Spider legged man*
*hears a noise*
*freaks out*
*thinks to myself* OK! Stay lying on your tummy! Do not look up and DO NO CLOSE YOUR EYES!!!
Reply
:iconshembre:
Shembre Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2016  Professional General Artist
I remember that those days in December last year were pretty anxiety-filled for me, too, but my situation was not as serious as yours. This is a wonderful project, so thank you for sharing. :hug: :hug:
Reply
:icondestinyblue:
DestinyBlue Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2016  Professional
Hope things have improved a lot for you since December :huggle:
Reply
:iconshembre:
Shembre Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2016  Professional General Artist
Indeed they have! :D I hope you're doing well, too! :hug:
Reply
:iconprojectholy1:
projectholy1 Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
i thought it was slenderman at first
Reply
:icondestinyblue:
DestinyBlue Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2016  Professional
I didn't make any connection with slenderman at the time... but looking back it's a similar figure...
Reply
:iconlathcves:
lathcves Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
oh my, my depressions were nothing against that.
I am so sorry that you and maybe so much more people have to go through this....
Reply
:iconyilleo:
Yilleo Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I can relate to this.
Reply
:iconsketchun:
Sketchun Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Here. I send more love. <3
Reply
:iconmonochrome645:
monochrome645 Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This reminds me of a game. It's called Limbo. It's pretty dark. There's a level where you have to fight this giant spider.

For your sake, I suggest you not look it up.Scared - Another 
Reply
:icondestinyblue:
DestinyBlue Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2016  Professional
I have played it! XD
Reply
:icontanyasimpson:
TanyaSimpson Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2016
Fuuuuck. This is powerful stuff. Not just the picture but what you wrote...god, it's raw, it's painful to read and you're courageous for sharing it. I don't feel like there's anything I can say about this that will be meaningful enough, but I wanted to say something. You tell your story with such eloquence. Keep writing :heart:
Reply
:icondestinyblue:
DestinyBlue Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2016  Professional
Thank you so much for listening :heart:
Reply
:iconbunnyrush2112:
BunnyRush2112 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Mental illness runs in my family. I admire you so much for sharing your story and your art, thank you and please feel better!
Reply
:iconernestabacus:
ErnestAbacus Featured By Owner May 31, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
The experience you wrote down is one of something from far away dominating you, but the image you created is one of a shadow that can't quite reach its caster, and is crouched to stay out of even the softest light. It's also interesting that you (or she/you, it's hard to say with images like this) are reaching for a real spider. The creature from which the delusion borrowed its form.

The fact that you are are casually reaching for a small, fragile spider, while the shadow reaches for you is not lost on me either. There's a cycle of inspiration, dominance, and implied intent. Most importantly there is need in the shadow's eyes.

Hmm... I wonder how I'd interpret it if I hadn't read the description first.

Cool
Reply
:icondestinyblue:
DestinyBlue Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2016  Professional
Loved reading your words about my drawing and writing. Very thoughtful and vivid :)
Reply
:iconernestabacus:
ErnestAbacus Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

There is so much concrete and so much open to interpretation in this series, it's hard not to respond.
Reply
:iconfairydusteverywhere:
FairyDustEveryWhere Featured By Owner May 30, 2016
Your artwork is wonderful. It is inspiring and it speaks of it's intended subject very well. I go to see you've updated and almost every artwork I look at is beautiful. I have to stop myself from favouriting it all! I'm so very thankful you've choosen to share things like this with us.
Reply
:iconlive-love-forgive:
live-love-forgive Featured By Owner May 30, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for sharing your story, Blue. I have no idea how difficult it may have been to write these, or how painful. But thank you for being strong and courageous and for trying to educate people about the reality of anxiety, depression, and other illnesses like them. You are an amazing person to have made it through this.
Reply
:iconanime1999:
anime1999 Featured By Owner May 30, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Fabulous
Reply
:iconsanitrance:
sanitrance Featured By Owner May 29, 2016   General Artist
Do you have Bipolar Disorder by chance?
Reply
:icondestinyblue:
DestinyBlue Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2016  Professional
No formal diagnosis :)
Reply
:iconpscared:
pscared Featured By Owner May 28, 2016  Student Digital Artist
these pieces of art feel really attention seeking
Reply
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Submitted on
May 23, 2016
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