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(2/5) Losing Reality

[Content Warning] I speak candidly about: depression, psychosis, self harm, suicide, and other unpleasant reason I ended up in psychiatric hospital. (This episode is mostly deals with psychosis)

The first chapter (1/5) Psychotic Depression in brief: Depression brought with it psychosis, losing contact with reality.


21st of December 2015.

It does't just feel like I'm broken (I know all too well I am) it feels like the whole universe is broken. Like someone threw sand in the gears, and then a wrench, and then put all the gears in the wrong places, and then burned the whole place down.

I'm so empty yet so full, my thoughts try hard to surface, drowning, struggling for that next sweet breath.

I'm down the rabbit hole, and it's turned out to be a chasm as deep as the universe is wide. I'm lost, trapped, trying to climb up, climb out, trying to get a firm hold on my thoughts so I could move hand over hand and ascend out of this wretched place. But I just keep slipping further down.

I am sitting on my bed in my childhood room when reality snaps. I'm falling fast and suddenly, and theres nothing to grab onto. Panic. I try to look inside myself, to me, to who I am for something to ground me, for a floor, however fragile, to place some of my mind on. I find Nothing, the last few month depression and psychosis have done their best as eroding it.
Then out of the darkness creeps a thing with spider legs.

He is part of the broken universe. He has been let out, the spider-legged man, he can move through the shadows of time and space. I see him, in the corner of my room as his shadowy legs propel him into the darkness beside my wardrobe. He's here. And he wants something from me. And I know all the terrible things he can do. He smiles from the darkness.

"Lie on your back"

He instructs. His gravely voice scrapes into my mind.

"no" I think. And shake my head.

"Lie on your back" He repeats.

I don't.

He repeats and repeats, louder and louder. The roughness of his voice scratching at my soft mind. I need him to stop talking, to get out of my head. But he wants to hurt me, I know it, I can -feel- it. I know I will be at less harm if I do what he says, so I lie down. As I lie there and look at the dark crease of shadows above my wardrobe where I know he now is, he comes closer, to a shadow directly above my head. Hes teasing me. His presence is dense and dripping with hate. A black hole of hatred ontop of my cupboard, I can see his glinting eyes, and I know he is not staring at me, but through me, straight into my mind. He can read my thoughts, he speaks to me, to prove it, telling me what I'm thinking, then teases me by taking all my thoughts away, so I have nothing. Robbed of everything. He tells me I'm worthless. My eyes are fixed on the shadow above me, my heart  beating so fast, I need to escape his stare, get out of this, so I scrunch my eyes closed.

Bad move.

Seared into the back of my eyelids are words. Words from the spider-legged man. Messages made for me. I tried to escape him, now he's angry. So he put the words where I couldn't help but see. Terrified, I snap open my eyes and blink but the words remain. Like light has burned them on, only hate has burned them on. I can't escape. I know I am not safe  from this entity which can permeate time and space and manipulate every part of me.

I scream.

I'm told by my partner that he ran in to see me scratching at my eyes. I don't remember.  I'm thankful I have little memory after that. The next thing my mind lets me recall is sitting on my bed in the psychiatric hospital terrified that the spider-legged man had traveled through the dark places to find me in my new, clinically bare room.

I spent 4 days in hospital and was released Christmas day.

Wish I could report it's up from here, but the next chapter is perhaps darker still...

Side note: I'm not scared of spiders.

Peace, Love and Arachnids, 
Blue xx

Chapter 3:  (3/5) Suicidal Ideation by DestinyBlue 

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~Featured Artwork~

Depression by DestinyBlue She's brOKen by DestinyBlue Last Piece by DestinyBlue Anxiety by DestinyBlue
Image details
Image size
1208x922px 1.64 MB
Shutter Speed
1/640 second
Focal Length
35 mm
ISO Speed
Date Taken
May 20, 2016, 10:13:16 AM
© 2016 - 2021 DestinyBlue
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I feel like this personally speaks to me as to what I have been feeling for the past few months.Like there is this part of me that I just can't share with others .And I lose faith in the real world to just give up on life . But I really like how it emphasizes this dark past that she's trying to block out the reality which really emphasizes the shadow effect of that dark figure .

Nicholas300's avatar
This reminds me of an apology gift I made for my half-sister, Regret don't ask why.
MrFrigginSuspenders's avatar
is this dead space 4?
Noir2Blanc's avatar
j'adore    ..
Braveheart2000's avatar
I occasionally come back to look through your earlier artwork and I can relate very well to this one. I also have a monster... he doesn't hang around as much anymore, thankfully.
SnowiiKitty's avatar
This happens to me
photoedfade's avatar
honestly the spider man design looks cool.
but he is evil how dare he hurt you like that!
HikadaTheo's avatar
i lost my girlfriend because i didnt understand her depression, i saw her not wanting to talk to me but being okay talking to other guys friends as infidelity becasue in a long distance relationship communication is all you have, and when we did talk she was never like how she used to be, i wish i had seen your art at the time and maybe i would have had more insight into it. She was and still is the greatest person i know but unfortunately i will probably never speak to her again. Your art is a gift though youre truly blessed
Meiiiiiiii's avatar
Wow. And I thought being called an absent minded genius by my english teacher was sad..
morningstarskid's avatar
Its true for those 9f us who have MDD BP 1 or 2 this is oir reality when we split from reality.. I have been in Crisis 5 times past 3 yrs..i think they finally got my meds right... I havent been to crisis this year and i feel great!!✌😎
MsMeowtaKittyClaws's avatar
I like your artwork and I like how your art conveys the pain and things you went through.   I am afraid of spiders. >^.^<  
DoctorSenpye's avatar
Only their faces terrify me. Even through the pages of a book or a monitor, those beady black, soulless eyes are a gateway into anyone's soul. I jest, they don't, even though as a kid I thought so. But they are cute when put on memes. 
FlipFlop1979's avatar
Hello DestinyBlue,
I have seen today your artworks the first time. They're all really beautiful, but you can feel the sadness in the artworks of the time you spent in hospital. I have similar feelings in my youth and make at this time some artworks of it. It was the time where I drawed a lot. Your artworks remind me of the time and make a yourney of the feelings I had at this time in my nowadays artworks I show on deviantArt have other themes...but it's nice that one, who has this feelings inside had made his way as an succesfull artist and use this theme in his artworks. And it's nice that there are shown the beautiful moments in your life, too.

There are a lot of hope in your artworks.

Well done.
JohnnyandMe's avatar
I lose touch with reality all the,time. At less that's what people say. I'm not delusional.   I am the protector no one can change that 
GoRoderickGo93's avatar
Man thats what i had. Lol
Malezjuszka's avatar
I really admire the fact you had power to tell the stpry and to draw the "monster". I have a "deamon" hounting me from time to time and I am afraid of putting him down on paper because he could get more real. But after seeing and reading this maybe I will...
Kanoro-Studio's avatar
Wow after reading ur experience I feel a lot less lonely now, thank u for sharing :D I also have had some moments with psychosis, also including spiders surprisingly except mine had human faces. Tho the main hallucination I would have was This fellow named zuzannei who had dark blue skin and weared a business suit. He was part of this organisation that wanted to experiment on me. Oh that's enough about me. Anyways I really love ur art, keep it up :D
AnimeGirl513's avatar
Deeply moving. I love the casting of the shadow of the spider as he is reaching for the girl. Very perceptive, and I love how it captures the feeling of uncertainty when it comes to hallucinations. Excellent work. 
Reverdefaire's avatar
I went to the hospital when I was 17, diagnosis schizophrenia. This one really hits home because I had an "absense seizure" and it felt like a spider web was being woven across my face. I just sat there deep in depression doing nothing but feeling it because I didn't care. Suddenly I realized I was surrounded by nurses working on me and trying to get my attention, the webs were gone. I'm better now because I've learned to manage it on my own at 34 years old. I will never forget that feeling and even though I have coping mechanisms it's still pretty hard to watch people hurt those who don't. Using your art to communicate to the world is helping so many people who have had mental illness to not feel alone and you are also helping us to be understood. Thank you.
JeremAx's avatar
This is amazing I want to see what you can do next
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