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(1/5) Psychotic Depression by DestinyBlue (1/5) Psychotic Depression by DestinyBlue
[Content Warning: I speak candidly and viscerally about: depression, psychosis, self harm, suicide, and other unpleasant reason I ended up in psychiatric hospital]

It's November 2015. Time off. My job as an artist has taken me to to 5 different countries on 3 continents and I've organised and exhibited at over 20 shows this year. It's been wonderful and I'm ready to relax and savoir the fruits of my hard work.

But I am full of a strange pain. Not a pain from the presence of something, but from the absence of it. It feel like a part of me has left, walked out in the night. So I am no longer whole. With it, to took joy, stole hope, and ripped apart peace and tranquility. It is a cold, bitter pain it's left, of strained violin notes on scratched records.

It makes the world seems black and white. This autumns fires and golds stir nothing in me. There is a dullness where my fire once was, an ache... This hole inside me blurs the edges of the world, everything is echos, diluted and dulled. There is little nourishment in living. I do all the things I usually love to do, regardless. seeing friends, exploring, walking, drawing. But they do not fill me, sate me, like they should. They are water pouring into me, I used to have a bucket, now I have a sieve.

But I have fought this beast before.

Depression

I know the self help and the slow remedies.

Though this time it feels different. But I can't put my finger on it.

Then the faces start. The mass and scramble of leaves turn into eyes, a man with hollow features stares at me out of the shrubbery. Watching. He's there again in my curtains, looking so real I can almost feel his breath. Not just him, others too, all so interested in my life they've squeezed their way into anything, bin liners, wood grain, coffee stains, just so they can look at me. Often they make me jump, when I notice them, casually staring at me through the folds of my dressing gown. A few seconds longer and I know they are an illusion. I feel uneasy anyway. Like I'm being watched, constantly.

I carry on.

The world starts being stitched together in different places. New connections, meanings burrow into things once mundane. The universal language, mathematics, glistens to me. The random numbers of everyday life call out to me as I pass by, begging to be listened too, to be understood. They hold secrets you see, if you only listen. Numbers are code. There are messages in numbers. Sentences written in digits. They are telling me things. The universe is talking to me in numbers.

I stare as cars wizz past, loaded with numbers.

The white rabbit. It's a thing which pulls you in, beckons you to follow, irresistibly. As it jumps away down the tunnel, you're at the entrance, and it's sunny outside, and the tunnel is dark and long, but big enough for you to fit. As white fur bounds away, and you're worried you'll lose it. Follow the white rabbit. You're supposed to follow. Right? Why wouldn't you follow? Who wouldn't follow? Someone who knows the white rabbit is no good, is not real, and leads only to ruin, that's who. I didn't know.

I followed.

Numberplates! Yes, the perfect place to hide a code. Cars speed by me as I try and work out what the message is. These messages are important, they are from the universe you see, written so people can read, but only if people realise they are there, and I realsied. Clever me. If only I can decipher what it's trying to tell me... okay..okay... three plus seven, well that's obvious, but with another 3, turns the meaning, a counter-balance to the cadence - Yes! I got it! It's telling me to go to a field a mile from my house. Where, at 13, I had my first kiss. I know the next piece of this puzzle must be there.

The rabbit jumps away to the right, I follow excitedly.

I walk fast to the field. Focused on the rabbit, scared it will get away.
I'm here. Standing right in the middle of the grassy patch, flanked by trees on either side, looking desperately around for the rabbit as my breath rips out of me. I can't see it, no trail to follow, no numbers, nothing. I wait. An hour passes. Darkness creeps in bringing with it my senses. I start to feel foolish, what was I thinking would be here? Where did I think this would lead? My heart sinks with the fading winter sun. I realise this is a fools errand, and take the bus home.

More numberplates... . The rabbit hops forward, beckoning, and I wonder if it's so wise to follow, it's so cold down here. It's showing me another place to go. But I'm not too far from the entrance of the tunnel, I think. I'll wander back. Don't follow the white rabbit.

As I arrive home, and there is a piece of litter waiting for me on my front path: Chocolate 'HIT' Biscuits. Oh god. I know what this means: It's a marker. Someones put a hit on me. I know strongly in this instant there is a sniper trained on me in the house opposite. I cover my head, fling myself inside my font door and run and hide in a room where the windows don't face anything. My heart a thunder drum in my chest, pushing my blood in screams past my ears, so loud I think the sniper will hear from the other house. I hold my breath. What feels like an eternity passes before I am calm enough to rationalise, tell myself it's unlikely. Who would put a hit on me? But the litter. I know what it means. It's hours before I come out of the room. I am empty hungry and my nerves are ragged. I keep telling myself there isn't a sniper, but I avoid the windows anyway.

I carry on.

I am alone in this dark hole, wandering the tunnel complex, undirected, deeper in the warren than I realise. So many white rabbits, jumping over my feet, at every juncture. Sometimes I follow, mostly I don't. White rabbits come in every guise; some benign some sublime, some have sharp teeth. I get better at spotting them, and I try not to follow. December is the toughest month of my life so far, it's exhausting: Constantly having to pull myself back to reality. Check whats real, check what needs deep thought and what should just be ignored. Combine this with the everyday grind of low mood from depression, and life is tricky. I am functioning just well enough, Just on the right side of 'crazy'. I cut out my social interaction, so I don't act 'mad' around anyone. I know it's not 'normal', but I think the white rabbits will pass, and it's my fault anyway for following them..

A white rabbit looks at me disappointedly, as I don't follow. It hops away into the darkness. And I am alone in the dark, with only half of me left.





So, yeah, welcome to part 1 of 5 of the full, true story of my experience with mental illness over this November-March period. 

Next Chapter:  (2/5) Losing Reality by DestinyBlue

Thank you everyone. Today is my Birthday, if I have a birthday wish, it's for my story to be shared.

Peace, Love and Tunnels,
Blue xx




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~Featured Artwork~


Depression by DestinyBlue She's brOKen by DestinyBlue Anxiety by DestinyBlue I'm Complicated by DestinyBlue
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:iconivhoo:
IvHoo Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm coming through this now... It feels better when U know U not only one.
Reply
:iconchris27wjoyn:
chris27wjoyn Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2018  Student Digital Artist
This is an interesting view of what depression is like. Something that can help with depression, is learning about alternative treatments from Dr William Walsh. A google search of 'depression walsh protocol' might reveal some treatments that can help with depression.
Reply
:iconjasonwolfe:
JasonWolfe Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2018
I've helped my wife through various boughts of depression and anxiety.
Reply
:iconuselessedge:
uselessedge Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Ah that is beautiful! I’ve seen your art everywhere
Reply
:iconmajinbros:
MajinBros Featured By Owner Edited Feb 3, 2018  Student Digital Artist
Maybe depression is 1/5

But the drawing is 5/5 :D
Reply
:iconconnaroy:
Connaroy Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i relate im sorry
Reply
:iconkatesart2004:
KatesArt2004 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2018  Professional Digital Artist
As summon who suffers from depression induced psychosis I wish you all the best with being healthy in mind and body. Your never alone!
Reply
:iconcheesy-doodles:
Cheesy-Doodles Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2018  Student Digital Artist
Sometimes I can't tell what is real or fake. People make fun of me if I talk about it, So I'd rather not mention it.

But It's kinda nice to know I'm not the only person that goes through this crap. I've felt very lonely for a along time because I didn't know others had the same issues. I wish you best of luck love. I saw your latest one of these, I'm happy you're better! ❤.
Reply
:iconvirdgil:
virdgil Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2018
Screenshot 1 by virdgil  
Reply
:iconcheesy-doodles:
Cheesy-Doodles Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2018  Student Digital Artist
Pretty eyes? 😂
Reply
:iconvirdgil:
virdgil Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2018
Personal space
Reply
:iconangie0531:
Angie0531 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow
Reply
:iconindigowizard:
IndigoWizard Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
looks like OFF
Reply
:iconvareb:
Vareb Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
is that napstablook in the window*Here comes Napstablook. 
Reply
:iconindigowizard:
IndigoWizard Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Spectre LeftMore like the Spectres from OFF 
Reply
:iconscubacide:
scubacide Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2018  Professional Digital Artist
it doesnt get better
Reply
:iconindigowizard:
IndigoWizard Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I hop you're just joking *nervous laughter*
Reply
:iconumiiru:
umiiru Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2018
Probably trolling more than joking. Don't worry, it does get better!
Reply
:iconindigowizard:
IndigoWizard Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I was just worried for his sake
Reply
:iconumiiru:
umiiru Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2018
Ah okay, I get ya!
Reply
:iconumiiru:
umiiru Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2018
This may be true for you, but certainly not for everyone. I spent seven years addicted to self harming, and now I am almost completely better. I live my life without therapy, no help besides myself. Please don't say things like this and dash other people's hope just because you aren't improving.

It does get better.
Reply
:iconcheesy-doodles:
Cheesy-Doodles Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2018  Student Digital Artist
congrats on almost stopping self harming! I know that takes alot to do <3.
Reply
:iconumiiru:
umiiru Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2018
Thankyou!! I've been clean for two years now, but I'm still working on the urges and such! ♥️♥️
Reply
:iconcheesy-doodles:
Cheesy-Doodles Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2018  Student Digital Artist
You're just a ray of sunshine aren't you? Lol.
Reply
:iconangusmctavish:
AngusMcTavish Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2018
You've been through so much... I sure hope things have been looking up for you since then.

:hug:
Reply
:iconsjoticanhasv:
SjoticanhasV Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I am currently taking some, what i assume to be, "light" meds for my functioning depression. Some days it feels like it may be my last, but i get thu it. you can do it, yes you can.
Reply
:iconphotoedfade:
photoedfade Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i used to too!
Reply
:iconsjoticanhasv:
SjoticanhasV Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
used to?
Reply
:iconphotoedfade:
photoedfade Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I so not take it anymore because the therapist said that I was fine or something. Still feel depressed on a common bases but I show it less, which should mean that it is kinda affecting me less
Reply
:iconsjoticanhasv:
SjoticanhasV Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thanks for clarified
Reply
:icontinyhuge2:
tinyhuge2 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2018  Student Digital Artist
It's not often I see written experiences with psychosis. I'm glad you are sharing this with us; I know it certainly helps me know I'm not alone!
Reply
:iconblackbloodhyabsi4386:
BlackbloodHyabsi4386 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2017
This seems like your experience was just more than depression and mental illness of sorts. The animals of any sort seen with white fur means they were visitors or spirits lost and some are trying to help you.
 I'm not going to say much more besides this can be seen as a gift or a curse 
Reply
:iconblupropaganda:
BLUPROPAGANDA Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
"are you gonna finish that?" "can we have some?" "do you have any tea?" "can we come in?"

"F.N. ghost neighbors!"
Reply
:iconredlucks:
Redlucks Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2017  Student Traditional Artist
I can't wait to see the last part of this, and I hope you feel better now! 😊
Reply
:iconsurdy78:
Surdy78 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2017
Looks like Susan Ashworth's kind of depression :D
Reply
:iconjohnnyandme:
JohnnyandMe Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2017  Hobbyist
To best describe my psychosis is watch supernatural season 5 episode 11. It's where they are in a mental hospital for hunting demons. I hunt demons and protect people from them.  With the help of angels. I have psychotic disorder nos and borderline personality disorder and depression and anxiety and ednos and dissociative identify disorder 
Reply
:iconruby2sh0es:
ruby2sh0es Featured By Owner May 1, 2017
I had ednos that developed into anorexia nervous and now I'm recovering & overweight but alive surprisingly got so close to dying enough times and had enough tubes down my nose and organ probs to get my fill of the ed crap but if it weren't for God I'd have died for sure or would be back on my way to death anyway just letting you know you're not alone and I feel for ya
Reply
:iconjohnnyandme:
JohnnyandMe Featured By Owner May 2, 2017  Hobbyist
Oh I see. Well I'm glad you are doing better. I'm overweight too and for now in away I don't care. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Reply
:iconruby2sh0es:
ruby2sh0es Featured By Owner May 2, 2017
Yeah idc anymore either and same lol like um is this a depression symptom because I've gone numb again or am I finally getting better💁🏼
Reply
:iconjohnnyandme:
JohnnyandMe Featured By Owner May 2, 2017  Hobbyist
That o don't know but let's think positive and say we're getting better
Reply
:iconruby2sh0es:
ruby2sh0es Featured By Owner May 2, 2017
I know I'm wayyyy better than I used to be thanks be to God I might not be where I need to be but I'm not where I was
Reply
:iconjohnnyandme:
JohnnyandMe Featured By Owner May 3, 2017  Hobbyist
I agree. I have been doing a lot better since the change of my meds
Reply
:iconruby2sh0es:
ruby2sh0es Featured By Owner May 3, 2017
Yeah that's good sometimes it just takes awhile for them to get the regimen right
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconzacharyzarr:
ZacharyZarr Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2017  Student Artist
🙄😊😊😅😆😍
Reply
:iconzacharyzarr:
ZacharyZarr Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2017  Student Artist
Hi
Reply
:iconxx-bekki-xx:
Xx-bekki-xX Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2017  Student General Artist
I know how you feel....... hopefully you feel better
Reply
:icondwya:
DWYA Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Depression is a dark companion. It's ebb and tide is relentless and ever-present. There seems to be no other emotionless emotion. Solitude is a crowded room of memories that never happened, and being amongst a crowd of two there is emptiness so vast one's heart shrivels like a raisin.
A depressed heart can swell without warning, flooding the void with the pain of loss - the loss of emptiness and...
Reply
:iconkatnissluv:
katnissluv Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
NICE JOB!!!!!! sometimes i feel suicidal too. and this pic is AMAZING!!!!!!!
Reply
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