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Art thou shakespearienced?

With explanatory footnotes

Act I, scene I
Two scholars in front of William Shakespeare's grave *

— Cheers!
— Bottoms up! To Will, or not to Will.
— To William, who ever you might be!
— To Shakspeare or however it was wrote **
— A Frances or a Bacon ***or just some other scribbler.
— One Looney (J.T.)*** said he was Edward (de Vere).*****
— Was he, or was he not?
— Many scholars had their say.
— Some say he was a cunning spy. ******
— Many others were. So what.
— (Was that a question?)
— He left his words to the world.
— Yet blotted out himself. So few traces,
but alas so many leads. Not a draft,
not a shoestring, just five suspicious signatures.
— We know his face; the balding bard,
— But is that really him, I beg to differ!
— These portraits were all done when he,
    Whoever who, was dead and gone.
— So rise up, dead or not, ghost or fathom
Play thy part once more! Tell us who you are!
What you ate! What you dreamt! What breeches you wore!
How you combed your hair? No, strike that out, my words were out of line! Just speak!
— Ssh, shut up, keep still, something.....this way comes.
— Who's there!?
— Who? Me?
— Yes! You Sir!
— Call me what you will. An apparition fine as any. Don't be alarmed
I am "nothing but a flux of varying perceptions", ******can't stay long, my time is overdue.
You scoundrels woke me up with your insistent empty chitty chatter. What airs, what wind,
The furnaced brains of yours produce nothing, but heated air! But God, what fumes of stink.
You reek from all you fabrications, too much beef, too much bacon. Too many dusty books.
— But Sir....
— Of course, I can do better than this, been out of practice for many dark years.
My extemporization, is not,  I do admit, not up to it, not up to my ordinary willful wit.
And sadly, I can't remember my lines. To be or.....I surely was, was I not? an actor,
once, I knew my lines by heart. The rest is............Let the curtain fall,
you are a most obnoxious company of fools. Your beliefs, your disbeliefs,
what a sorry lot you are.  You are what you is, ******* in all respects flatulent and bloated.
— I beg your pardon, we only want to.....
— Pish! I had my share of puffed up scholars, dimwits, idiots, jesters, clowns,
putrid plumbers, slimy sleuths etcetera. So for my sake, my sanity, the little I have left,
I must take my leave, or you mine. Bugger of will you, no?!, then I better flee!

(The bard retreats and disintegrates into the London fog)

— Please do not go so hastily into the night, dear Sir. Just one more, question....Sir?!
— Stop, you knave. He spoke his soul, he had his say, old Will.
— Which William?
— Any will you want. Let him be, whoever is, was, were, and always will. Long live Bill!
— You are right he am, I mean he were, many, is, in our bard we must trust. Long live Bill.
— And we are not getting any younger, your bard, I mean I am all drunk and gibberish tonight,
your beard, is getting grey. To be senile or not to be.....
— What was the question? Let's have one more drink instead, to clear our heads, and live!
—, diem ******* well, what ever! Cheers!
— All is well that ends well!

* "William Shakespeare is buried in the Holy Trinity Church, Stratford-on-Avon, Warwickshire, England. The church stands on the banks of the River Avon in a charming location."…
** More than eighty spellings of Shakespeare’s name have been recorded, from “Shappere” to “Shaxberd.” (It is perhaps worth noting that the spelling we all use is not the one endorsed by the Oxford English Dictionary, which prefers “Shakspere.” Bill Bryson, The World a Stage
** Francis Bacon, philosopher, is suggested to have written Shakespeare's plays. Shakespeare's humble background, the wealth and diversity of his knowledge suggests that someone of a better education and of another station should be the real writer, or the ghostwriter and the actor William Shakespeare just a front.
**** The scholar John Thomas Looney
***** Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford
****** "Yes he was a spy theres documents to prove that, he wrote plays to pass on info."…
******* "Shakespeare’s Philosophy —Discovering the Meaning Behind the Plays", Colin McGinn
*******  Frank Zappa, song title
******** He mixes it all up. Not the car, I presume. Fiat means in Latin  "let it be done". The scholar must be drunk!
In honor of the ever young William Shakespeare 

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Submitted on
April 28, 2016