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(Note- watch the video to get the idea to who Clerkenwell Kid is, Warning! It's PG-13
youtu.be/p2NPfU5QARc,
If you wanna rp this..thats fine
image from photobucket.com/images/tuesday… )

You had herd a song or two of this Clerkenwell guy.He had always caught your heart like the other girls. You had also bought a ticket to his live performance of the song Kix, you loved the concert.
One day while working at the café, you saw him, Clerkenwell Kid, the other girls in the cafė where either not fans or trying to act 'cool'.
You where lucky to, you where his waiter! You gave him a fresh new menu, he ordered a coffee and some bacon and eggs for brekfast.
But before you left, he asked you to wait a minute," You have such lovely eyes of the finest gems~." he said to you making you blush thanking him before you left.
You made sure that the chief made his breakfast perfectly, he was a star after all. You gave him his breakfast and he said it was like the Mona Lisa  of cooking.' It's normal..' you told yourself that you know he does that to be nice.
when you gave him his check, he gave 60 dollars. " Sir-err...Mr. Clerkenwell Kid..you don't have to pay that much!" you told him, where does he get that much money?!
" Ahh,but for a fine chief and a pretty lady its worth every penny," he said to you. You sighed and said that he can pay half of what he gave, he smiled. He then leaned in and slide a card across the table ." Call me,we can do lunch, or dinner." he said to you flirty.
A date already? with the most famous singer in idaho?! Wait till Carol hears about this!

TO BE CONTINUED
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:iconhatchet-girl2010:
Hatchet-Girl2010 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
oh such a heart racer!!! :) made me blush even.
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:icondementionalart:
DementionalArt Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
aw thx
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:iconhatchet-girl2010:
Hatchet-Girl2010 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Your very welcome. I just love reading this type of stuff all time. I am even a writer too. I write on Fanfiction.net even too. I may write something too about Clerkenwell kid. I have a strange obsession with him lately. I guess hypnotized by his singing and his handsome looks. 
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:icondementionalart:
DementionalArt Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
i know! me to!
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:iconhatchet-girl2010:
Hatchet-Girl2010 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
hes just so so sexy. I dont know why but I just think he is and how he is soooooo mysterious. There is a guy on tumblr that almost sounds like him even too. I wonder if that is really him?
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:iconmadremonte:
Madremonte Featured By Owner May 19, 2017  Student General Artist
Hello, I see potential in this story and I am curious how it will further develop, but I also notice several errors that need to be corrected for a better readability. Would you like to receive constructive criticism and severals tips for improvement? :)
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:icondementionalart:
DementionalArt Featured By Owner May 19, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
i took your advice and fixed this...let me know though if there are mistakes still
dementionalart.deviantart.com/…
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:icondementionalart:
DementionalArt Featured By Owner May 19, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
um..sure?
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:iconmadremonte:
Madremonte Featured By Owner May 19, 2017  Student General Artist
Okay. I can tell you are a beginner and I only want to help you. It may look a bit overwhelming when I'm done, but I promise it is just a lot of technical advice for editing your piece to be more readable.  It is okay if you disagree with my tips. :)

I'd first like to recommend you to proofread your work before you submit a chapter. I notice a lot of misspellings, I shall list them for you.
cafe - café
brekfast - breakfast
jems - gems
makeing - making
shure - sure
monalesa - Mona Lisa

I also recommend you to capitalise the first letter whenever you start a new sentence/paragraph. Next I want to advise you to keep your verb tenses consistent, it's a very common mistake among beginner writers and it will become less common over time and experience. :)
You have seen a song or two of this clerkenwell guy...he had always caught your heart like the other girls. You had also bought a ticket to his live performance for the song ' kix'... you loved the concert.
You *had seen a song or two of this Clerkenwell Guy. He had always caught your heart like the other girls. You had also bought a ticket to his live performance of the song **Kix, you loved the concert.
*I'd recommend you to change it to 'had heard' rather than 'had seen'
**Song titles identified by name are set in italics

"Ahh...but for a fine chief and a pretty lady..its worth every penny~" he said to you. You sigh and say that he can pay half of what he gave, he smiled and gave you a small card with his number.
Sigh and say are present but should be past (sighed and said) to maintain consistency within the time frame.
"Ah, but for a fine chef and a pretty lady it's worth every penny," he said to you. You sighed and said that he could pay half of what he gave, he smiled and gave you a small card with his number. "Call me, we can have lunch, or dinner."

Here are several guides on punctuation. I hope they will be of use to you.
www.thepunctuationguide.com/in…
www.thebalance.com/punctuating…

I also notice you tell his flirtatious behaviour rather than show it. Now to your defense, it is very common for beginners to tell rather than show. I'd recommend you to rely less on dialogue tag and try to insert an action beat. For example show the character's flirtatious through his body language.
He leaned in, and he slid a card across the table. "Call me, we can have lunch, or dinner."
Here the character displays another signal through his action (body language) that he is interested in the reader character, and the context of his dialogue shows through it, therefore preventing unnecessary repetition.

Now there a few contextual questions I'd like to pose. You first established the reader characters works as a waitress, yet later it is revealed that she is a chef too. This is not possible, she cannot be both a waitress and a chef as both these jobs are very demanding. Wouldn't it make more sense if she was given her high tip for her service?
Another note, you established the crooner is a popular singer yet the reader character questions why he has so much money. Admittedly, I do not know how high the income of musicians were in the 1920s/1930s but from what I have read musicians who were popular did receive a fair income. I'd recommend you to make the reader character question why he gave so much money, it would make more sense for her to be suspicious of the high tip but then pass it off as generosity. :)

As I said before, I see potential in this story and I am curious to see how it will develop. I like how you put contextual clues to make us suspicious of the crooner and I also like his characterization. The premise whether the reader will be in a toxic relationship also piques my interest.
In summation, from the point of technique this story shows a good basis. There were notable technical errors but those can easily be corrected. Keep in mind this critique was written to let you know of several pitfalls. Keep continuing, improving, and foremost, enjoying writing. :)
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:icondementionalart:
DementionalArt Featured By Owner May 19, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
Ok thx
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