literature

Much Too Precious To Die.

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Literature Text

Hollow screams whispered in his head.  
He could not ignore the voices of the dead.
Wolves cried out in despair for the blood that was to be shed.

 For the soul beyond my eyes was too precious to let die.
I was much too selfish of beauty to see him fly.
Fly into the skies to the angels who would cry.
Cry and bow at the beauty of his face.  

 Much too precious to die..

 The marvelous human running before me continues to run,
Through the forest to the sound of my smoking gun.
 As I sprinted after, my voice filled with laughter.
“Why do you run, run to the sound of this smoking gun?”

 My head filled with thought of selfish acts as we played our game,
 'I must have him to myself, him I must tame.'
 Tame I must do, to the human who lie.

 Much too precious to die..

 “Miss, please slow!” He shouted in a plead,
  For his life was in danger, very much in need.
  I sneered at his voice, so hoarse and dry and I snarled,
 “Do not defy! For you told your lie!”
 
  Much too precious to die..

As his feet began to stutter, my heart thumped with a flutter.
 Soon I could have him all to my eager eyes.  
 Then, in the distance we both heard cries.
Cries of the friends of the one who told a lie.

 He screamed with a roar, trying to find a sore chance,
 A chance to make it out alive.

 Much too precious to die..

 As I caught up to him he started doubting,
 And cried out in fear as he was shouting,
“God, why hath thou chosen me?!”

 He tripped on a root that mother earth built for me,
 Built for me from the beauty of a solid oak tree.
There he laid on the ground, rolling over on his back to lie.

 Much too precious to die..

The wind howled in the darkness of the shadows,
Blending with the midnight blackness of the moonlit night.
The man was shocked, in a severe panic and fright.

 “Matthew,” I whispered softly in his ear,
“Thou has had his final fight. For you are far too near.”
 He struggled to speak. His body was weak with a burning, terror filled fear.

 “Liar..” He croaked, “You are wrong!,
You are drenched in evil, darkness and deceit!
You are in a murderous rage! You are soaked![with evil]”

My voice arose with a cackle, for he I did then shackle.
 “ I am no liar!” I  roared, “For THOU are the one who told the lie!”
 He fought against the chains that did then crackle with a bright with fire,
A beautiful burst that rose from in flames with passion and desire.

His flesh did scorn, melting as his arms dropped into thorns.
 The thorns of mother earth's hold. She has helped as she foretold.
 My eyes gleamed with joy, for him I did decoy.
 Decoy the burning body before my eyes..  

 Much too precious to die..

 As the life before me began to suffocate from smoke,
I put out the flames and unwrapped the chains,
 For he would not stop his invoke.
 He would not stop his plead.
 Plead for the silent creed before Death.

 He started groaning at the feeling of his limbs,
Moaning at the sight of his flesh burned and scorched.
“Does thou's skull[brain] not appreciate the help that has been given?”
His tone filled with rage, for the devil inside he did not cage,
 “Have thou have no soul?! You are wretched, not divine!”

 “Thou, Mistress, are Death! Thou does not help!”
  He paused, for he could not take in a breath.
 I began to show a sly smirk, giving his head a gentle jerk.
  For he was so cute. He shall not be able to fly..

 Much too precious to die..

I laid my hand over his slowing heart,
“It was like feeling the most beautiful piece of art.
  “Why have thou forsaken me..?”

Even as a shining beam of light broke through the weary sky,
 Giving me his soul to keep safe and never to let him tell his broken lie,
 I whispered, “You are much too precious to die..”
AND HELLO THERE, MY DEAR FRIENDS. :dummy:

 So, for the first time in forever, I have written some poetry.

( Death, who is the predator, is pursuing Matthew (Matt), because of his "lie". No one knows who the lies is except for Death, and her evil mind. Matthew has no recall of doing something terribly wrong, but he did.

So in Death's eyes, even after the lie happened, thought Matthew was the most beautiful thing to walk the earth. So, she stole his soul. Just for fun, she did torture him a bit. :33)
Lord knows, I need help.

Matt (c) himself.

THIS IS WRITING OF DEATHREVERENCE6661. DO NOT STEAL. THANK YOU, AND ENJOY~ Soft Pink Hearts -FreeToUse Meow-thank You Excited 
© 2014 - 2021 DeathReverence6661
Comments6
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MagicalJoey's avatar

I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of

:icongrammarnazicritiques:

 

Firstly, thank you for your patience in dealing with us. There has been such a poetry folder backlog, and I know this piece was submitted in 2014 (roughly three years ago) and your writing style may have changed since then.

 

Now, the crit:


:bulletred: ST = Stanza

:bulletred: L = Line


 

I like the theme in this and that it tells a story. However, your rhyme is somewhat scattered about the piece and it looks as though some words were chosen simply for their ability to rhyme and not for their ability to contribute to the piece itself, be it in tone or diction or juxtaposition. Writing rhyming poetry is exceptionally hard, as you need to pick not only words that rhyme with each other but words that make sense within the context of the stanza and overall story itself. In some instances you have managed this, but some instances just read as if you've pick the word solely for its ability to rhyme.

 

You also sometimes have lines which don't rhyme at all within the stanza or your refrain (the line repeated over and over again). These lines, in some places, detract from the overall meaning of the piece as they are jarring and discordant. There is no flow or syllabic fluidity.

 

Rhyming poetry is hard, but you have managed it well for the most part. As mentioned, some places it just doesn't work.

 

Another thing I would revise is the punctuation. While it is punctuated, and well for the most part, there are some places where you have placed periods that would do better as commas or even as enjambment (run on lines) in order to help the flow of the piece when it's read.

 

Overall, a good piece that could do with some work in certain areas.

 

Hope this helps,

J

DeathReverence6661's avatar
Thank you! I completely forgot I have ever asked for a critique, but it's nice to see. 

You're correct about my writing style having changed a lot since then, but like I said, it's nice to see you took the time to still write this. Thank you again and have a wonderful day. :heart: 
Angel-Eyed-Vengeance's avatar
This is amazing. Good work, hun. :heart:
DeathReverence6661's avatar
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