Weak. Useless. Failure. Freak.
A chant. A mantra. My own mind, torturing me,
bullying me. Brainwashing myself and I can’t help it.
Freak. Stupid. You don’t belong.
Everything is my fault. Mom was my fault. Every stupid mistake
on a hunt is made by me. Dad and Dean, they hate me. They
don’t say it, but it’s in their eyes. Somehow that’s worse than
them just telling me.
Pain. Pain. It’ll help. Distract.
The idea makes me sick. I’ve always heard peoples’ stories, and
seen their scars. I didn’t ever wanna be one of them. But now
I’m scared I am, or am becoming…it keeps being so tempting…
Release. Open. Punishment.
I’m shaking; I’m crying. I want to scream; curl up in a corner
and just disappear. I don’t know why. I’m drowning.
Make it stop.
Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.
No. I won’t.
I’m stronger than that. It’s just crashing over me, l