Donald Trump Interviewed on Fox News; Lovecraftian Holocaust Ensues
Thursday, May 18, 2017
New York, New York (Dis-Associated Press) — Bankrupt real estate tycoon and American reality TV President, Donald J. Trump is not shy about shocking the public with his over-the-top antics, but no one expected that a routine network interview with him would result in ten slain Secret Servicemen and several wounded studio technicians late Thursday afternoon.
When asked to comment upon his most recent Tweet during an interview with Fox News pundit and immigration expert, Lou Dobbs - a Tweet which accused the entire staff of the EPA of covertly being on the North Korean payroll - Trump diverted the subject towards his plans to re-develop Innsmouth Harbour, Massachusetts into an exclusive, gated enclave for the privileged élite, rechristened Trump Harbour:
“You know, a major magazine called me a world-class businessman, and it’s true - I am world-class in every way imaginable. It’s all about competence. It’s all about leadership. I’m so competent, Lou, it’s scary. And vision? I have incredible vision. Using my superb negotiating skills, I cut an amazing deal with the Essex County Chamber of Commerce and zoning commission. There’s going be lots of condos, big condos, all the best condos . . . . and I mean ‘condos’ in the finest sense of the word, Lou. The Esoteric Order of Dagon Hall? Gone. That eyesore will be torn down and replaced with the world’s tallest concrete parking garage designed by non-Euclidean architect, Frank Gehry - one hundred storeys tall with a full-service Starbucks concession stand and Trump Harbour souvenir shop inside the payment booth, which is going to be so amazing. And an incredible eighteen hole golf course - not like the lousy ones in Scotland that have a spoiled view. As you know, Lou, I’m all about creating great job opportunities for the locals. I did a hostile take-over of the Marsh Refinery, which is now making limited edition Trump cufflinks and keychains that will only be available in my souvenir shop. It’s going to be very exclusive - no foreigners will be allowed to come near Trump Harbour, of course . . . . except for the servants, who live in the surrounding area and whose paycheques have a weekly fee deducted from them for the honour of associating with the Trump brand - which is a fantastic deal for people like this. I have tremendous love and respect for these people - you know me, Lou, I get along so well with everyone in Innsmouth - but they desperately need exposure to my great personality and brilliant business strategies to raise their game. I released my financials - they were very impressed. But a lot of these people have major personality disorders - they were very disrespectful towards me, very jealous of how handsome and successful I am . . . . which can be expected when you look like a cross between Barney Fife and Creature From the Black Lagoon, breed like a guppy and smell like the wharf at low tide. So, we did them a big favor: we rounded up all the undocumented Innsmouth residents with bad attitudes and locked them up in an off-shore prison ship. Of course, they want to rape our women, who are all very top-class, very desirable - and I should know because I’ve satisfied so many of them. We found out - and I have some incredible sources, Lou, really top-level stuff - these ungrateful losers were also plotting to out-breed us, take our jobs and poison all our best people with the contaminated fish they were planning to sell to my new exclusive seafood restaurant called ‘Trump’s’ - which is a fantastic success, by the way - all the best celebrities are raving about it. Kim Khardashian was just saying the other day that the fugu putanesca was so incredible that it made her clitoris go numb - which is a pretty amazing thing for someone like Kim. Many of the Innsmouth people we didn’t arrest, deport or relocate couldn’t be considered ‘real’ Americans, anyway. Most aren’t even human - which amounts to the same thing - and that’s why we’ll be selling them off to medical research labs and aquariums. I have such a great relationship with these people - the only reason I’m holding off right now is because they’re paying me rent at a very special rate in our worker dormitories. I have such tremendous compassion for these people - I really do - but you don’t have to be a genius to figure out what needs to be done - and I really am a genius, you know. My people - who are the very best in the business, believe me, Lou - are crunching the numbers to see which option will be more profitable this quarter. We’re going to make Innsmouth so great again!”
When asked about the alarming rate at which the Antarctic ice caps are melting, Mr. Trump waxed enthusiastic: “It happens all the time, Lou: ice cubes . . . . continents . . . . whatever - stuff melts because of the sun . . . . and without any help from Chinese alternative facts about global warming! But unlike those commie-retards over at the EPA, the real winners like me are seizing this as a great business opportunity. I’m already buying up big tracts of Antarctic coastline for a song. What we did to Innsmouth is nothing compared to our plans to develop Antarctica as a major tourist destination!”
At that point in the interview, a swarm of Elder Things broke into the Fox News studio, skinned and vivisected commentator Lou Dobbs, sodomized Fox Chairman and CEO Roger Ailes with a microphone stand and abducted Mr. Trump, who was then dropped from a great height into the Atlantic Ocean, whereupon he was pulled apart like warm bread by a horde of angry shoggoths. Portions of his body are expected to wash up on the New Jersey shoreline with the other trash sometime next week.
Copyright 2017 © Curt C. Chiarelli