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LIFE: version 3.1...

Journal Entry: Thu Nov 5, 2009, 10:14 AM


When I married my wife Laura, I inherited an entire extended family. A new mom and dad, grandmother, and dozens of brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles.

My family? Mom and Dad, all the granparents, are dead. My sister is an awful person I don't associate with. My daughter and son in law are wonderful people, and I have a close relationship with them and my 4 grandkids. But that's it.

So anways, since my surgeries, Laura and I are poor. We get by, but we struggle, financially, all the time. Not complaining. It is what it is. But the "family" knows it. So, grandma Jeannie is 91 years old. She needs someone to live with her all the time to help her in little ways. She has plenty of money, and a big nice house, but no help. Apparently key family members have been talking to her for months now, and we were recently called and asked to move in with Jeannie as her permemnent care providers. It will allow Laura and I to catch up, save money, make plans, even if she only lives a few more years. It will obviously help Jeannie.

So, right as my band is coming together, and our life here in Texas is starting to be really happy (despite the lack of money), we have been asked to move back to Florida and move in with Jeannie. And turning this down would likely cause friction between Laura and I and many in the family.

Right now we are thinking we will likely move back in February or March. We just can't decide yet if it's a good move or not. We both miss Florida, but we are prospering in Texas, and have many good freinds that mean a great deal to us.

What would you do?

  • Listening to: Working on my originals on guitar
  • Reading: everything I can find by R.A. Salvatore
  • Watching: True Blood and diggin the crap out of it
  • Playing: every chance I get
  • Eating: at least once a day
  • Drinking: now and then. But only in moderation
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:iconikeroyo:
ikeroyo Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2009
Bufff, what a question. And what happens to your current job?
The issue looks too complicated to me to even suggest something, but I think that anything that you both finally decide will be the rigth decision, despite the circumstances. I wish you luck :thumbsup:
Reply
:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
We thank you for the kind words. We know the final decision is ours, ultimately. But everyone's gentle advice and kind encouragement has helped more than you guys may realize. We really appreciate it.
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:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
We thank you for the kind words. We know the final decision is ours, ultimately. But everyone's gentle advice and kind encouragement has helped more than you guys may realize. We really appreciate it.
Reply
:icondojang:
Dojang Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2009
aw, man. rough one.

but surely having the choice is better than just being stuck with the situation you're in by default?

i have this bad habit of automatically refusing kindnesses from people, even if it's just the offer of a cold drink when i drop in for a visit...but honestly, i don't think i could tell you what i'd do unless i was actually in your shoes, with all the rammifications and consequences hovering over my head.

my family's pretty tight knit. there's a big 'ol clan on my mother's side, but they all live interstate (over a strait), and we don't hear from them often. i have a little brother, and we get on okay.

my gf's family is a clan though, and it's always a little daunting going to their place for christmas or easter.

back to the point though, i really don't think anyone with grandkids of their own should have to feel obligated to act as a old-age carer. my mum's in that kind of field, and i've heard such STORIES.
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:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
:)...we'll get through it...:)
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:icondojang:
Dojang Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2009
good luck, man. let us know how it goes.
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:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
:)
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:iconroxettethefox:
roxettethefox Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2009  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well, it's really up to you, and you like you would choose the good path. I hope you luck :).
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:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
:)
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:iconcatwalksymphony:
Catwalksymphony Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2009
It almost feels like an obligation and not a gift. It would depend, to me... on whether this gift came with strings attached. Of course you would help take care of Gramma, but living in someone else's home is NEVER easy... especially as an adult. I couldn't imagine, and I'm only 21, of living with my mother again. Talk about an invasion of privacy. But it seems like Gramma is feeling a little entitled... like she "knows" you're not in a good spot so it doesn't feel as genuine. She feels obligated to help you and get something out of it, and as such you feel obligated to oblige her and do it to appease family.

I'm probably a cynical person to ask about this, because I have a HORRIBLE Mother in law, I tend to see manipulation everywhere.
Reply
:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
Even so, I appreciate your opinion, and that you took the time to respond. Laura and I know we ultimately have to make the decision ourselves, but all the kind advice you guys offer helps us to work out our own feelings on the issue.

Thanks a bunch, Cat.
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:iconcatwalksymphony:
Catwalksymphony Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2009
Anytime. What else are friends for?
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:iconcatwalksymphony:
Catwalksymphony Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2009
I will say one thing though that I've learned something in dealing with my inlaws that could help. If they're asking you to risk your happiness to appease them there's usually more in it for them than you. You've lived too long and been through too many hardships to risk everything you've worked for to appease people who don't have your best interest at heart.
Reply
:iconeriatarka23:
Eriatarka23 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2009  Student Digital Artist
That is indeed a toughy.
I guess you could always ask your wife what she thinks, and go from there yeah?
I don't have much experience in this kinda thing, but if it's one thing I always heard my mom saying is "We're always right" haha
Hope everything works out for ya man
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:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
I ask Laura about everything. We've been talking about this off and on for a couple weeks now.
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:iconlsdrake:
LSDrake Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009
That certainly is a pickle you're in. Trusting your gut helps, if it feels wrong then most likely it is. Though, your life experience trumps mine, so I'm quite sure you'll make the right decision when the time comes. :thumbsup:
Reply
:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
I hope so. Laura and Iare really thining it out. So far, we can't really decide which way is the clear best way to go. Do we risk our own happiness, or risk the family's anger and disappointment?

Oh well. We'll work it out by the time we have to.

People always do, somehow.
Reply
:iconlucas-jeeves:
Lucas-Jeeves Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009
It's really in my opinion whatever has the best long term benefits for you. Oh and I love R.A. Salvatore, well atleast his Star Wars stuff :D
Reply
:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
Damn. I didn't even know he did Star Wars stuff. Now I have more books to buy and read....
>sigh<...:)
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:iconlucas-jeeves:
Lucas-Jeeves Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2009
Haha, he had a whole series I think, plus one or two in different series. Great writer in my opinion.
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:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
NO doubt
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:icondon4:
don4 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Student
how is your sister an awful person might the nosy little fuck ask?
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:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
Awful to my mom and dad when she was a kid. A whore in highschool that got me in fights for 3 years trying to protect her fucking awful reputation. A liar, a user. 5 marriages, all ended badly with the men ruined after. 8 abortions, 4 adopted kids, 7 kids she had an raised who are all fucked up, with the exception of one whose father fought her in court to keep her away from. Selfish and evil with no moral conscience what-so-ever.
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:icondon4:
don4 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Student
sound like one of my friends aunts
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:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
I think all big families have one meber like this, often. I hate mine. I have had no relationship with my sister what so ever since my dad passed in 1997.
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:icondon4:
don4 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Student
yeah, we have a couple of shitheads in my family, and one of them live with us and he been a pain in my ass over the summer
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:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
:|
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:icontavenlee:
Tavenlee Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009
There is no easy answer, here. I think that instead of making the offer as obviously as it was on Jeannie's part, it should have been more hinted at so as not to pressure either side. While the offer is extremely generous sounding, it also puts you in a hard place, because to say no would be to come across as ungrateful and also uncaring of your extended family. I think that by hinting at it, there wouldn't have been that pressure, and it would have allowed you to make a decision and hint back on the way you were leaning, so no one was put in a bad situation.

Well, clearly that didn't happen so you're in a hard spot. Your band seems to mean a lot to you, so giving that up would be hard. Would not moving make friction between Larua and you or just you two and the rest of the family? Even if it's the latter, I'm not sure there's really a good way out. It's not that you would necessarily want to not take up the offer, but the way it was presented it comes across to me as informing you of what's happening rather then offering, because there isn't a polite way to turn it down, even if you wished to.

Something that should be talked about in all this is what happens if Jeannie does die. It's not going to be a popular subject, but if you have to move down there and then when she dies are left without any soultions to things and would end up moving back to Texas, then it's really not fair to you. Even that conversation will be awkward, because if it's done wrong it will come across as you two clamoring for her inheritance, and cause more family friction. Proceed with caution!

Good luck with everything, I hope my comment is even a little helpful, although it certainly doesn't solve the problem.

--Taven
Reply
:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
That's a big part of it, I admit. I think Laura and I would be positively inclined towards this if we didn't feel like the family is "assuming" we'll agree.
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:iconnarkya:
Narkya Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Hobbyist Photographer
Ah, this is a hard question to decide on. As I've been always moving around, leaving friends behind I know how hard it is. But I also know how important family is.

So, figuring out whether it is a good move or a bad move lies alone in your hands. But I wish you good luck and that you're happy with whatever decision you come to in the end.
Reply
:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
I hope we are happy with it as well...:)
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:iconnarkya:
Narkya Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Hobbyist Photographer
I'm sure you'll be in the end.
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:icondarkmir:
Darkmir Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
:)
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