It has been a while, quite a while actually.
Despite me being on vacation, sick, ill or working, I've never actually went away, just been doing nonsense behind the screen.
Point is, I need to make sort of a deplorable rant, get some shit off my chest and all.
Since somewhere in vapid time of June I started questioning my approach to things, the trade I do specifically. Thing is, I doubt I'm on the right track and while 2017 so far has been a fantastic year, heck even 2016, despite morons complaining about some movie personalities keeling over or political discourse about which form of authoritarianism will "serve" humanity better, was an absolutely gorgeous year. At the end of 2016 I was in a dire financial situation, on top of that, I needed more of a balance in my life and getting a job, even an unrelated to my trade, was extremely beneficial. Things like health, weight, looks started improving dramatically, I guess my parents saying that when I'm a grown-up life will put me into place was actually accurate, who would've guessed that an older person would have life experience while a young whiny ass would have no idea how to have a balanced life. Even despite my careless control of money, I got savings now and am living a pretty decent life albeit in a shitty British suburb (Seriously, housing in uk is less than sub-par, especially in the north).
"So what's the issue here, mate?" You might be asking.
That's a fucking good question.
Well the issue isn't really an issue that's solvable here, at least not in terms of "just do it" -Shia LaDouche. I got what I want to have, I wish I had more, but I'm content and that feeling is putting me in a place I'd describe as a personality quicksand. One thing I need above all else, is progress (no, not the progressive progress god help me), personal improvement, getting better or being a better individual, confidence, intelligence, skills, assertiveness. I need a life where I can follow the example I've set for myself, but.. well the problem is that my personality (at least what I can analyze of it) is diametrically opposite of that example. I realistically, don't give a damn about my improvements, I'm happy where I am right now. I can't call myself lazy either, a lazy person wouldn't be constantly cleaning, have good hygiene, exercise, or try to learn new skills for that matter. So what's the damn issue here, how come, me understanding every step how to achieve the "success" I imagine, still can't to focus on what needs to be done. I really shouldn't categorize myself into personality types or any of those "tests", but god forbid Kant from trying that himself, some of them describe me extremely well. What comes first is you then your description, all the results do is put things into plain text for you to understand and so 2017 hasn't been a year where "I become something I wish", but more of a "I'm trying to understand myself" one.
So we move to the question Who is this INTP faggot who calls himself by 5 different personas online, which don't even reflect his own true self (ha.. I'll leave now)
Well.. I seriously can't answer this question without devaluing myself or spending 2 hours explaining why my nature side gives no fucks about my nurture side ambitions. Best way I can describe myself is an idiot who values individual growth higher than any group effort, has no respect for authority who tells people what's good or bad, who doesn't show much emotion yet is assertive to a degree that you'd confuse him for some extrovert faggot. I'm stubborn, yet very relaxed, I'm more often lost in my mind than care what's going around me, I like exploring ideas and their variations, but can never see things through to the end (This makes me more angry than anything else). I set a standard for myself I know I can never achieve and when I get praised for something I feel guilt and embarrassment. More importantly, some of my traits are opposite to my goals I can't find an answer how to deal with them; I hate people, they piss me off, yet I want to be a person who helps others to be better; I want to be famous, yet I don't want to expose my stupidity to people; I want to make awesome stuff for you, yet I never feel like I have the skills to do so; I am most alive around chaos and conflict, yet I improve the most when there's order and structure to everything (fuck, I've cut myself on the edge there). I want to make stories, games, art, whatever, yet I never feel like doing so anymore.
I feel like I'm always living in a perpetual cycle of opposing viewpoints and I don't want to make the step, I'm not ready, I'm dying here, I need food, I need work, I need pressure, I need to use the letter I less.
And finally we move to the question "What am I going to do about this?"
Excellent.. Finally I can answer something.
I got no fucking idea. I've neglected my trade this year to such a degree that I might as well drop it all. My job chews out more than 2/3 of my day, motivation for doing stuff is low after a whole day of doing the same thing a few hundred times. BUT.. There are couple months left in this year and hope is not all lost. I'll be trying to exploit them as much as possible to get at least somewhat related job in the game industry. And here's how I'm going to go about it.
I'll sort out all my artwork, separate it all into good and bad chunks, categorize them into which work area is it in, 2D, 3D, sculpts, paintings, drawings, etc.
I'll spend few days cleaning up few unfinished projects and close the chapters on them, even if they're not ready (Iteration over magnum opus).
I'll sort out a portfolio for job application with a workable domain name. (Will hopefully be running next friday due to payday)
I'll start to advertise more for commissions on different platforms.
I'll start looking for a job asap.
I'll start a personal research blog (like putting shit I find interesting, or how I came to conclusions in my work, philosophy, math, physics and other things)
I'll start doing art again.. About fucking time.
There's still time for my last year resolution to be fulfilled. What a wonderful clusterfuck of a year 2017 was. I love this.
Now there is a thing I can ask the community to help me with.
Give me work. Not a job, but work, it's going to be THE best incentive for me to get back to crafting shit.
Commission me to make stuff for you.
Courtesy is given, respect is earned.
I'll see ya around.
God I'm gonna regret posting this shit.
TL;DR Too much of ego issues, not enough of work.