Telling the truth about myself

Telling the truth about myself.

I am a pedophile, I started out young.

I was touched by an adult female teacher who had no right to touch me. She placed her hand on my knee and rubbed and squeezed it. I never talk about it with anyone until much later in life. Nor did I mention that it was wrong, She never had the right to come near me like that and I should have screamed about it then, or at the very least talked about it with my parents instead of keeping it bottled up. I talked about it online but didn't mention how she shouldn't have done that to me or anyone. I talked with my parents about it far to late in life. There were also other times as well where I was touched by male grown ups as well in my late teens and adult life. I mentioned the time that a doctor put his thumb inappropriately between my butt while he was examining me. My father rather than wanting to do anything about it, just told me to not bother doing anything about it rather than creating trouble. I was hurt, and nothing was done about it.

I remember being a baby sitter once for two neighboring girls. The first time I remembered not wanted the younger sister to get hurt while me and the older sister ran away from her to the attic. The older sister wanted to close the door on her younger sister, but I said that she might get hurt. So I opened the door to let her in.

I wish I had stayed in the mental way of thinking, but I do remember one time playing I think tag with her and unfortunately being stupid and pulling on her hair to catch her. She cried and I apologized for it. I'm sorry for how poorly I acted then.

 and in my teens ( mid high school ) I was caught by my father looking at soft-core porn. At that time I decided myself to try and stay away from it, though I kept reading manga that featured incest and underage characters. I know that my genes are bad. I've mentioned it to my brother as well. Though I only ever really told my older Brother about being a pedophile. I do keep to myself a lot. I push people away so that I don't hurt them. Or be hurt myself.

My older Brother has schizophrenia, I wish that I could have been better about, but I do remember mentioning that he's been dead for a while now.

I laugh at stupid racist jokes sometimes. I'm sorry. I have read manga where a female places a male character in positions of being abused by other males. I have accepted female characters that were drawn as male characters. I did see it as just them having a penis added on. But I didn't care much for what others viewed their work as being. I'm sorry. I have fantasized about incest with my cousin, but I never wanted to go and hurt her or others. Fantasy is one thing, but reality is another.

I do get angry a lot and lose control I hurt my father when he makes me angry sometimes.

I've told a therapist once that I sometimes wanted to take a metal ruler and hit people with it. Though I kept from telling him anything else about myself. I said it was because I saw him as a friend, but really it was to protect myself. I'm sorry.

I started out voting for a republican presidents because my father told me to do so. I just did what he asked with out thinking about it, The first time that I voted was for George Bush. Unfortunately the second time I voted for him was out of fear because of 9/11. After that I never voted for another republican again. But that's not a better way of voting. All people are different. There are good republicans and good democrats, and as well bad ones as well. We're all different. I know that there are republicans that will be heroic when the time comes to be regardless of who needs help.

I was told once in a hotel room that Ale Garza said something racist to Keron Grant. At the time though I did not hear him correctly as to the name he spoke. But I figured it only years later thinking about it, I should have asked him to clarify it. But I don't know if I would have acted better or not. I still sold Ale's Bat-girl prints. I don't know if I would have not if I had heard clearly. Though me being me, I probably wouldn't have done anything differently. I think I also favorite a piece of Ales that feature some racist elements as well. I'm sorry. I know that this was a test now.

I also remember pretending not to speak English, when someone who was an African American in the subway was asking me a question. I just looked at him puzzled and he mentioned something about me not being able to speak English. I was just happy to be left alone.

Another time I was being asked by another African American man who said he was an ex-convict if I could help him out with some money. I was going to miss my train ride if I had stayed, But I did give him some money via giving it to a close by restaurant and telling them to give him what ever he wanted. I rushed out of there glad that I didn't miss my train ride.

I don't remember everything about my life but I'm sure that others do and I will be shown it soon I hope.

Please Enslave me now I wont interrupt the process, I just want to move Forward now. Please I beg you. I will do as I'm told. And make up for being this way. I want to change. I want to be better. It's just so difficult doing so with genes like this. I need your help. Please.  Start it up again.