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#It's Wacky! It's Fun! It's Crazy! It's Outrageous!
Fun House, it's a whole lotta fun, prizes to be won!
It's a real crazy show where everything goes!
Fun House, It's a quiz, it's a race, a real wacky place!
Use your body and your brain if you want to play the game!#

Dan: Yes, it's time for Fun House! Wacky contestants, Messy Games! The Fun Kart Grand Prix race and a crazy chase to win lots of prizes! Now let's give a big
        welcome to the guy who puts the fun into Fun House, PAT SHARP!!!

#Fun House, it's a whole lot of fun, prizes to be won...FUN HOUSE!#

Audience: (claps and cheers.)

Pat Sharp: Excellent: Hello, and welcome to this special edition of the FUN HOUSE!

(Sparks fly.)

#Fun House, it's a whole lot of fun, prizes to be won...FUN HOUSE!#

Audience: (cheers)

Pat: Melanie and Martina aren't here. They're on a day out at Alton Towers. So, here are my assistants for today...

(Lights on Dan and Liam)

Liam: (Waves)

Dan: (Does the same)

Audience: (Cheers)

Pat: I hope you remember the rules. 2 teams, 3 messy games, 3 questions, 1 key game. Then the Grand Prix, and finally the chance for grabbing prizes in the Fun
        House, including our Power Prize!

Audience: Oooooh!

Pat: We won't tell you what it is...yet. Let's bring on our contestants who are going to play FUN HOUSE!

Liam: (Brings out Pickle and Majida)

Dan: (Brings out Julius Scaramonger and Sly Hands)

Audience: (Cheering)

Pat: So, Dan. Who do you have on your team?

Dan: Well, Pat, these are Julius Scaramonger, the merchant, and Sly Hands, Lord Fear's Lackey. And they're representing the Opposition!

Audience: (Cheering)

Pat: And Liam, your team please!

Liam: Yes sir, Pat, we have Pickle the Elf and Majida the djonn, and they are the powers that be


Pat: Well, welcome teams. Are you ready to play?

(Both teams nod)

Pat: Good. Let's get on with it. Majida and Sly Hands, you go off and get ready for the first game.

(Majida and Sly head off for the first game)

Pat: Ok, so we all know about Knightmare's life force clock puzzle. Well, we're going to play a very funny game now and it's called Life Farce! Let's go!

Audience: (Cheering)

(We go to a stage where the life force is broken up into different piece resembling the life force, which are in the three layers.)

Pat: OK teams. What you got to do here, is to put the life force clock back together starting with the skull, then the skin, then the helmet. But, the pieces are directly
        above you, and as you take a piece a jet of gunge will fall from it.

Majida and Sly: Okay

Pat: Good idea with the goggles, don't want to obscure your view. OK, Majida, you're playing in red, and Sly in yellow. The team with the most parts at the end of 1:00  
        wins 25 points. On your marks, get set, it's gonna get messy...GO!

(Majida and Sly then get as many pieces down as quick as possible, getting slimed and gunged, but Sly is quicker getting the skull pieces down before Majida)


(Sly and Majida slip over)

Majida: Oomph...!

(Gets back up and fits the skull pieces in with ease. As for Sly, he just goes for the pieces and getting slimed as he does and begins to build the lifeforce up)


(Sly has built the skull layer up, but is wiping the slime off his googles)


(Majida has the skin layer ready to be built.)

(Sly builds up half of skin layer)


(Majida has the skin layer built.)

(Sly has skin layer complete)


Audience: Five, Four, Three...

(Both get to the helmet, however majida is one piece further ahead.)

Audience:...two one!


Pat: Whoa, stop! Stop! What a mess!

(Majida and Sly take of their goggles.)

Pat From the look of it, you've done really well. Liam, how well did you do?

Liam: Well Pat, Majida...(slips on a little gunge.)...whoops! Got to the first layer, and has the left half of the helmet nearly complete!

Pat: So, 7 + 7+ 3 = 17 pieces altogether!

Liam: Indeed!


Pat: And Dan?

Dan: Only 16 pieces, I'm afraid.

Audience: Aww!

Pat: 16. So the Red's are ahead. Let's re-run the life force fun!

(A montage of the game with Majida and Sly slipping and the smile falling down.)

Pat: So a good start for the reds. 25 points!

(A screen shows 25 points on the right and 0 on the left.)

Pat: Yellows, don't worry, this is early days yet. Here's the first question. Sly, Majida. The game you just played was Life Farce. What was the life force in Series 8?

(Sly buzzes in.)

Pat: Sly?

Sly: Ooo, it was a pie!

Pat: It was indeed a pie. Well done, and it's dead level. 25 points apiece! Well done!

Audience: (cheers)

Pat: Yes. pretty good so far. OK, Julius and Pickle, your turn for a game, off you go and get ready. Well, our contestants think Fun House is a piece of cake so  
        far...even though they got slimed. Well there's a whole lot more to come as we play Corridor of Slime!

(Pickle and Julius are wearing foam helmets and a knap sack)

Pat: All right there, guys? Now this is the Corridor of Slime. The aim of the game is to run up and down either end of the corridor to collect pieces of this rather tasty    
       looking large cake...urgh, it's plastic! Oh, and watch out for the SLIME! It's pretty nasty!

Audience: Uuurgh!

(Woop! WOOP!! WOOP!!!)

Pat: Oh, it's a Key Game. So the runners up get points too. So, on your marks, set...CAKE! Go, go, go!

(Pickle and Julius run down to their first piece of cake, pull it down and soon some slime comes down, but the both miss it.)


(Pickle gets ahead slightly as Julius falls over and lands on the pads behind him.)


(Pickle grabs the second piece, but as he does so, slime lands on his head!)

(Julius goes ahead of Pickle, slightly)


(Pickle runs back to the start and puts the cake pieces into the box. So does Julius)


(More gunge falls. Some goes down Pickle's neck)

Pickle: Ooh-eeh-ooh, Nasty!

(Both collect another piece)


(Pickle runs down to the next piece. Unfortunately, it drops out of his hand and out of bounds!)

Pickle: Oh, root and fen!


(Pickle runs to the next piece, and Julius collects another piece.)


(More gunge falls right into their faces)

Julius: Aaargh!

Pickle: Good Goblins!

(Both wipe gunge off their faces)

(Pickle grabs the 6th out of 7 pieces, (his fifth), and so does Julius, (His sixth).)


(Both slip on the gunge down the top end of the corridor and slide back down)


(Both go for their last pieces, but slip again!)


(Julius and Pickle try to get up again but slip...yet again!)


Audience: Five...Four...Three...Two!

(Pickle tries to get the last piece and leaps for it)


Pat: Whoa, and stop right there.

(Pickle has his last piece in his hands)

Pat: I'm afraid that doesn't count as it's not in the basket, or that one Julius. So, Liam, how well did you do?

Liam: Well, sadly our team only got 5


Pickle: Ah, well. (Shrugs)

Pat: And Dan?

Dan: We got 6!


(Liam claps for the opponents.)

(Pickle and Jullius shake hands.)

Pat: So it's max points for the Yellows. Good sportsmanship, guys! Let's re-run the hakey-cakey fun!

(The rerun shows two cameras of Pickle and Julius running and even a slow-mo shot of Pickle leaping for the last piece.)

Pat: That was a key game, so 5 points to the reds, and 25 to the yellows, well done!

(Yellows: 50, Reds: 30)


(Pickle and Julius have a towel around them)

Pat: OK, the second question, Pickle and Julius. The game was Corridor of Slime. What is the name of the deadliest corridor of Knightmare Castle?

(Pickle buzzes in.)

Pat: Pickle!

Pickle: Corridor of Blades

Pat: Yeh-heh-hesss!

Audience: (Cheers)

Pat: So it's Yellows: 50 and the Reds, back in the lead with 55!

Audience: (Cheers)

Pat: Ok, it's our final game before the Fun Kart Grand Prix, and it includes all of you this time!

(All go off to prepare for the final game.)

Pat: Off they go. OK, the teams have dealt with Life Force, they've dealt with Corridors and now they have to deal with Lord Fear's Pool!

Audience: Ooooh!

Pat: Muahahahaha! (coughs) Sorry 'bout that! I overdid it there! OK, Lord Fear's Pool. What you've got to do here teams is to collect these foam swords, shields, cups
       and crowns, as many as you can, and put them in these big treasure chests back here. Trouble is, two of you have to dive for them as they're in your half. You dive
       to the bottom, collect your team coloured item, throw it to your teammate, who then throws it into their treasure chest. Oh, and be warned. There's a nasty storm
       brewing. Watch out for the gunge. It's gonna get really mucky and wet. So I'll just go over here out of harms way, and 3-2-1, GO!!!

(Pickle and Sly go into the pool and shiver a little but begin to dive in and grab there coloured treasure.)

(Gunge bombs start appearing)


(Pickle throws up a red sword and sheild, and Majida catches them and thows them into the red chest)

(Sly throws a yellow sword, shield and crown and Julius catches them and throws them into yellow chest)


(Pickle treads water, gathering oxygen)

(Sly dives under and collects another sword, crown and cup, throws to Julius and Sly bangs his head)

(Julius throws the items into the chest, as does Majida)


(Pickle pulls out a red sheild crown and sword.)

(Throws to Majida)

(Sly throws another 2 swords to Julius)


(Pickle dives down, picks up a yellow sword and throws it to Majida, who catches it)


(Pickle goes for the other red items and accidently knocks heads with Sly.)

(Sly dives and collects another 3 shields. Throws to Julius, who catches the items)

Sly: Ooh! Me breakfast!


(Pickle dives for the other items, but he comes back up with another yellow in a red batch, so he discards the yellow item.)

(Sly dives and gets another crown, throws to Julius and puts in the chest)


(Pickle gets a red sword and throws to Majida. Sly gets a yellow shield, crown and cup, throws to Julius, and gets knocked again.)

(This time, some stars appear over both their heads)


(More gunge falls in water. The water and gunge mix makes it harder to find the items)

(Pickle accidentally swallows the gungewater)

Pickle: Gyuck!!!

(Sly picks up red sword, and throws it aside)


(Both collect 2 crowns each)


(Both clunk their heads one more time)

(More gunge falls!)

(Both pick up a sword and throw them to their teammates.)


(Pickle gets another sword, and Sly gets another crown)

Audience: Five, Four, Three, Two

(Pickle dives in and gets a crown, but as soon as he comes up the horn sounds.)


Pat: And that's that! Wow! Those chests are almost bursting! How many there, Liam?

(Pickle and Sly get out of the pool.)

Liam: Well, we have 23

Pat: 23, and Dan?

Dan: We also have 23!

Audience: YAY!

Pat: So it's even Stevens! Let's re-run the fun!

(The re-run shows the players throwing the items and even the mess ups and heads banging.)

Pat: So, high scores, big bangs on the head, but equal scores, 25 points apiece!

Audience: (Cheering)

(Pickle and Sly are rubbing their heads a little)

(Yellows: 75, Reds: 80)

Pat: OK, Majida and Sly. Now, the last game was Lord Fears Pool. What or where was the original home of Lord Fear?

(Majida buzzes in.)

Pat: Majida?

Majida: Marblehead

Pat: (Inhales) Ooh, no, no, no.

Majida: Eh?

(Sly buzzes in.)

Pat: Sly?

Sly: Mount Fear.

Pat: It was Mount Fear. Marblehead wasn't until Series 8, Majida.

Majida: Oh yeah...silly me! (Slaps forehead)

Pat: So, 25 points to the yellows. Reds 80, Yellows 100 points!


Pat: Join us after the break where we'll be doing the Fun Kart Grand Prix, and we'll find out who will be going through the Fun House. See you after the break!


(Fun House logo.)

#Use your body and your brain if you wanna play the game, FUN HOUSE!#

      (End of part 1)

(Part 2)

#Fun House!#

Pat: Welcome back to Fun House, and you join us for the Fun Kart Grand Prix, let's go!


(Dan and Liam bring on the karts)


Liam: Here you go, Pat!

Pat: Whoa, what an entry. Thanks Liam! OK, the rules. First lap, 10 point plungers. Second lap, 25 point plungers, third lap, go for gold. Who's going first?

(Majida raises her hand for her team.)

(Julius raises hand for the yellows.)

Pat: So, Majida for the Reds, and Julius for the Yellows, to your cars please.

(They both do so and put on their hemlets.)

Pat: And don't forget to high five your teammates when you switch. OK, audience are you ready?

All: YES!!!!

Pat: Then get ready to count down with me. In 6...

All: 5.....4!...3!...2!...1!

Pat: GO!


(Both cars screech off! Julius hits his first 10, then his second 10. Majida gets her first 10, but drops the second. They both drive into the tunnel. Julius emerges then
its third 10, and drops fourth 10. Majida hits both her third and fourth 10 plungers. Julius arrives at start, gets out, high fives Sly, swaps over and Sly gets into kart and
drives off, as does Majida and Pickle. Sly and Pickle gets first and second 25 plungers. They both drive into the tunnel. Pickle is now slightly ahead of Sly. They both
get their third and fourth 25s. Sly drives up to the start/finish line, slightly behind Pickle. Pickle and Majida swap places and Majida drives off. Sly and Julius swap, and
Julius floors it behind Majida. Soon, he's neck-and-neck with Majida, and they cross the line at the same time.)



Pat: Wow! They crossed the line at the same time! Let's see a replay of it! Come on!

(The teams go back to their podiums. The replay shows that both teams crossed the line simultaneously.)

Pat: It's yet another dead heat! Tell you what, since I'm feeling generous, I'll give you 25 points apiece!


Pat: OK, Reds. You're currently behind on 105. When I press this buzzer, the lights will come!

(Hits the button)

(10 x 3, 25 x 4)

Liam: Wow..

Pat: Interesting. 3x10, 4x25, 235 points! Well done!


Pat: OK, Yellows. You have 125 at the moment. Let's see how well you do, Sly and Julius!

(Hits button)

(10 x 3, 25 x 4)

Pat: Absolutely identical result, but you have...255! Yellows, you're going into the Fun House!

(Majida and Pickle shake their opponents hands, congratulating them.)

Pat: Reds, you don't go away empty handed. Take a look at Liam, and he'll show you the prizes you have got for coming second!

Liam: Of course, Pat. Both of you get yourselves this special one of a kind Fun House jacket and cap.

Pat: And we're also going to throw in a CD player as well. Let's give it up for the Reds!


Pat: Right Yellows, it's time to go through the Fun House. While Liam and Dan kit you up with your cameras, Hordriss is gonna go through the prizes. As for you lot,
       come and join us!

(The Audience surrounds the Fun House itself.)

Hordriss: Entering the Wild Slide will land you with a selection of video games.Go down the Slip 'N' Slide for a year Supply of Chocolate! On the Flying Fox, you could  
              win a novelty alarm clock! Traverse though the Ball Run for the Mystery Prize! Going down the Fireman's Pole will give you a Mountain Bike. Through the  
              Crawl Tube, you can discover a Camcorder! Enter the Balloon Tunnel for a Chocolate Fountain and Fondue Set. Mingling with the Monsters in the Maze will
              give you a Fun House goody bag! Ride in the bobsleigh, and you could get a selection of Board Games. On the Danger Net, you could get your mitts on an
              R/C Helicopter. In the Angular Triangular, are some Tickets to Liam and Dan's next gameshow. Be brave with the Snake in a Box and you could get a Pool
              Table! Go over the A-Frame and you could win some Go-Kart Lessons. A Knightmare Goody Bag is up for grabs on the Cargo Net and on the Giant Steps, a
              Novelty Mug is waiting for you!


Pat: A great selection of prizes! But the greatest prize of all is the Power Prize. What is it, Hordriss?

Hordriss: Today's Power Prize is a holiday to New York in the United States! Gaze in wonder at the landmarks and buildings which have made this city famous the world

All: Whooo!!!

Pat: (American Accent) A holiday in New York, New York! (Normal voice) OK, what you are looking for are these tags. This is an example. Every time you grab one, the
       corresponding prize will double up so you get one each. You need to get three at a time in 2 minutes, there's a total of 15. For the benefit of the viewers at home,
       this is where the power prize is...

(The camera zooms into the Slip 'N' Slide.)

Pat: OK, the watchers know. The only way you will know is when you grab the tag which makes this noise!

(Chicken crows)

Pat: Yes siree! OK, Sly. Julius. Who's going to go first?

Julius: I'll go first, Pat.

Pat: OK, Julius. Prepare yourself...

(Rollers start to rotate)

Pat: Remember, three tags at a time. There's the camera there. Get ready to cheer the team on, everyone, go absolutely bananas! And best of luck, Julius, remember to
       high five or tag your teammate...GOOOOO!



(Julius goes in and heads for the A-frame first)


(He gets to the top and grabs the tag. Then he goes towards the Slip 'N' Slide. He grabs the tag...)

(Chicken crows)

(Next, he goes to Monster Maze...)


(...and gets the prize tag. He then goes back and tags Sly.)


(Sly first goes to the Balloon Tunnel.)


(Balloons burst as Sly goes further in, but climbs through getting the tag and heads towards the Fireman's Pole.)


(Sly gets the tag from the pole and then goes to the Ball Run.The balls slow Sly down, but he grabs the tag never-the-less.)


(Sly returns to Julius and tags him. Julius cuts through the Balloon Tunnel to get to the Bobsleigh.)


(He gets the tag for it, then goes back up, and to the Crawl Tube.)


(Then, Julius gets to the Wild Slide and grabs the tag, then slides down to get to Sly.)


(Audience chants and cheers the team on)

(Julius tags Sly, who re-enters the Fun House. Sly then goes up the Climbing Frame to get to the Danger Net.)


(He grabs the tag, and goes to the Angular Triangular)


(He gets the tag from the Angular Triangular and goes back the way he came to the Snake in the Box. He then opens the lids and pulls out the tag in the third lid)


(Sly returns to Julius so that he can go and get the last tags. Sly tags Julius and they switch.)


(Julius goes to the Giant Steps and gets the tag.)


(Rushes to the Flying Fox, grabs the tag, then swings on it)


(Julius heads for the last tag.)

Audience: 5...

(Julius is close to the final tag.)


(Julius goes down the helter skelter with the last tag.)


(Julius lands in the ball pit.)



Pat: Whoa!

(Julius comes out through the space with the three tags on him)

Pat: Thank you. I make that a clean sweep! Come round, that's it. Let's see what you won. You have got...A SELECTION OF VIDEO GAMES.

Audience: Woo!


Audience: Woo!


(Julius and Sly are kinda exhausted, and look on in disbelief.)


(More 'Wooing')

       (Inhales) A POOL TABLE each...

(Julius is in disbelief on getting a full sweep)

Pat: ...GO-KART LESSONS for each of you! A KNIGHTMARE GOODY BAG! And a NOVELTY MUG! As I say, a clean sweep! Give them a round of applause!

Audience: (Cheering)

Pat: And I heard a chicken crow on the Slip 'N' Slide, so bring on the Power Prize question!

(More cheering and the lights go down)

Pat: Now, it's serious. 10 seconds to answer this question. Please confer with each other, the time doesn't start until I've asked the question, and I must accept your first
       answer. The New York holiday is at stake. Good Luck. Name three characters played by Mark Knight in Knightmare.

Julius: Lord Fear, Ah Wok and Sir Hugh de Witless!

Pat: Yes!


(Julius and Sly both high five and jump about)

Pat: They're off to the USA, they have 15 prizes each! What a way to end. Dan and Liam will be back in a new game show soon! For now, thanks for watching us on Fun  
       House! Goodbye!!!

(They all wave off.)

(Cheering and Applause)

#It's Wacky! It's Fun! It's Crazy! It's Outrageous!
Fun House, it's a whole lotta fun, prizes to be won!
It's a real crazy show where everything goes!
Fun House, It's a quiz, it's a race, a real wacky place
Use your body and your brain if you want to play the game! FUN HOUSE!!!#
One of Mine and Natter45's recent fan game show scripts. This time, it's one of the CITV classics - Fun House!

Fun House (C) CITV, Scottish Television 1989-99

Knightmare characters (C) Anglia Television 1987-94

Script (C) Dan-the-Countdowner, Natter45, 2010
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